Lena's diary

Lena, when I was reading your Q&A, I remembered that you're missing something:

you said:
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
- by disciplining myself and accepting the fact that i am changing not only the food but my life style in general
and this i will do by:
- focusing on learning how to eat in quality and not quantity only
-excersizing
-using this forum for all the support i can get

What about your mindset in regards to self esteem? I remember a long time ago you wondered if your self-worth was weak enough to cause you to sabotage your own efforts--am I wrong? SO many people on here struggle with that, and I think Mal has waxed eloquent on the subject before: you can have all the determination in the world, but if you don't KNOW you deserve the positive change....

Do you have lots of supportive, wonderful girl friends? My girl friends have saved my sanity so much, I can't even count them. You're a wonderful, sweet person and you're beautiful and deserve to be 135 lbs someday, and happy, and healthy, and HOT and ready to pump out a baby ;) I'd recommend what I do some mornings when I remember: "positive affirmations." When I wake up and go straight to my altar, and hold my gift that Tatiana gave me, this stone EGG that is supposed to be some kind of manifestation tool, and tell myself positive things that sound embarrassingly cheesy but since it's just me, it doesn't matter. And it really DOES make my day! I dunno, this is just a tool you might consider trying--it works better than you might imagine. Just saying something "I am wonderful, I am deserving, I am beautiful" makes it so, sometimes. Plant the seed!

HUGS! :hug2:
 
cinderelly said:
I sweety, glad to see your back into things and working on it:)Ive missed ya around.
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thanx cerelly :) and i see you're doing great with the boot camp. you go girl!! :D
Curvie Girlie said:
Lena, when I was reading your Q&A, I remembered that you're missing something:

you said:
-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
- by disciplining myself and accepting the fact that i am changing not only the food but my life style in general
and this i will do by:
- focusing on learning how to eat in quality and not quantity only
-excersizing
-using this forum for all the support i can get

What about your mindset in regards to self esteem? I remember a long time ago you wondered if your self-worth was weak enough to cause you to sabotage your own efforts--am I wrong? SO many people on here struggle with that, and I think Mal has waxed eloquent on the subject before: you can have all the determination in the world, but if you don't KNOW you deserve the positive change....

Do you have lots of supportive, wonderful girl friends? My girl friends have saved my sanity so much, I can't even count them. You're a wonderful, sweet person and you're beautiful and deserve to be 135 lbs someday, and happy, and healthy, and HOT and ready to pump out a baby ;) I'd recommend what I do some mornings when I remember: "positive affirmations." When I wake up and go straight to my altar, and hold my gift that Tatiana gave me, this stone EGG that is supposed to be some kind of manifestation tool, and tell myself positive things that sound embarrassingly cheesy but since it's just me, it doesn't matter. And it really DOES make my day! I dunno, this is just a tool you might consider trying--it works better than you might imagine. Just saying something "I am wonderful, I am deserving, I am beautiful" makes it so, sometimes. Plant the seed!

HUGS! :hug2:
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oh val thank you soooo much. i needed this. yes, my problem is my self-esteem and yes rationally i know that i am worthy of being wonderful and sexy and beautiful and thin and hot but you're right, subconsciously i don't really believe it. i try to, but so many times i just give in to that person inside that is so scared.
today i tried telling myself that i deserve to be all those things just before i had lunch. as a result i didn't overeat, i craved for more, but i didn't eat more than i was supposed to. the interesting part was, when i was telling myself this, i could actually hear a voice inside of me saying: oh shut up...you know you don't deserve it. i think i'm going to have some scary arguments with myself for a while, but i'm going to try this. it can't go bad. it can only do good.

as for my friends. they are really great and supportive, although i don't talk to them about my weight loss journey very much. i used to, but i stopped. but i will have to tell them that my self-esteem is very low lately and that i need some help in getting it up. i need a little bit of pampering hehe :)

so my food for today:
breakfast: mixed rice and millet puffs with plain yogurt
snacks: fruit/whole grain bar, nescafe chocolate cappucino
small ham and cheese toast
lunch: integral rice with chicken breast fillet
snack: fruit yogurt, 2 small tangerines
dinner: 1 tomato, few bites of feta cheese, 2 slices of mortadella, 1 piece of toast
 
lena410 said:
oh val thank you soooo much. i needed this. yes, my problem is my self-esteem and yes rationally i know that i am worthy of being wonderful and sexy and beautiful and thin and hot but you're right, subconsciously i don't really believe it.
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You're welcome, and there has GOT to be a way of overcoming your inner critic/inner hater! Maybe try reading one of those books Alta was recommending.....let me see....here, I never read it but I trust Alta :

lena410 said:
i think i'm going to have some scary arguments with myself for a while, but i'm going to try this. it can't go bad. it can only do good.

but i will have to tell them that my self-esteem is very low lately and that i need some help in getting it up. i need a little bit of pampering hehe :)
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Fight the urge to diss yourself! Know it's not good, practically--use your common sense as a weapon against your defeated emotions! :boxing:

Never be sheepish about asking for help--I told myself a long time ago that we ALL NEED HELP sometimes, so when I need it, I ask for it--and my friends, whether WLF buddies or oldtime chums, are always willing to pick me up! :grouphug:
 
I use to do affirmations as well.You can do them at night in bed too...:)

As far as boot camp goes, it is hard on me, my body isnt happy...LOL, I guess it is a little bit of everything all rolled up into one!
 
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thank you girls :) i just spok with one of my friends on the phone and told her i was a bit low on my self-esteem.. she said:lena if it takes for me to tell you 10 times a day that i love you i will :D hehe she was so cute.
its a bit hard for meto ask for help...usually its the other way around. i'm the one people usually come to. changing roles are hard but i'm learning to rely on my friends more. you're right we all need help and there's no reason not to ask.

cerella i did some form of boot camp, well except for running part. what we usually did was 20 minutes cardio, 40 minutes strength training. first few weeks i couldn't finish a class. few months later i was barely sweating. so don't worry you'll get there :) just go by your own pace and think about pushing your limits every time. sometimes you'll be too tired to do it, but try.

so let me write it here to. seeing is believing right? lol:

i deserve to be loved
i deserve to be happy
i deserve to be healthy
i deserve to be satisfied with my body and lose weight
i deserve to have prosperity
i deserve to follow my dreams and make them a reality

because i'm a strong, intelligent, wonderful, beautiful woman who has worth and deserves to shine :)

(and the inner hater said: now you need to convince me)

my reply: I WILL DAMN YOU. SHUT UP YOU DAMN THING INSIDE OF ME!!!!!:rant:
ah much better


:sifone:
 
Nice! :hurray: You have good girl friends! :)

Dammit I know Mal has written some stuff on here about getting the right mentality for losing weight......grrrr I dunno where!
 
oooh yes i read that but at that time when it was written.i forgot about it. thanx for finding it again. i also read steve's article about his friend jared. it really helped. today is so much an eye opener for me.
 
Hi lena! Thank you for stopping by to see me. I can see that you have a newfound enthusiasm for making your way to your goal as well! I love your affirmations too!
 
Good affirmations...I use to say most of the same ones:)

I have no probs doing boot camp, I just struggle with cramps.I rarelly sweat lol but get a great work out, i really enjoy it.We did a 3k run today.We walked and ran, like did the walk a cl mins and then run and then walk.My whole body hurts, this work out has been the harshest yet.

I drank gater aid today, half of one before class and i wore long johns, this seemed to help. I got sore but didnt actually crap:)We are thinking too I might need new runners.I do know that I need inserts or at least i was told so...
 
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i already started feeling much better...i feel the old mindset coming towards the surface. i eat right for the past three days and i exercise. so far so good. i'm going to keep that up.
i also started the exercise steve told me. man they're difficult...but i won't rest until i've done all of them in a satisfactory way. so mini goals at hand.
yesterday my food was:

breakfast: three slices whole grain toast with chicken pate and 1 yogurt
snack: muesli bar, nescafe cappucino
lunch: 1/4 plate potato-onions salad(no mayo, just a bit of olive oil and white vinegar), 1/4 plate bean salad (mixed beans with green pepper and olives), 2 hard boiled eggs and 4 small turkey sausages (hot dogs), and 1 slice of white bread
snack: 1 fruit yogurt
dinner: three small tangerines

exercise:
cleaning lol
1. elliptical 10 minutes (i kept the average of 20 kph, but every 2 minutes i would speed up to 32 kph which really helped my heart rate go up)
2. whole body squats - 15
3. ball roll-outs - 15 upper body, 15 lower body (phew these were difficult)
4. shelcs - i have to study better this one. i saw some videos and doing it like that i only managed to do 2 of them
5. pushups - 15 (but after every 5 i had to rest for 20 secs)
6. plank - did 2 managed to hold each for about 25 secs

felt really good afterwards. sweated alot. however i really liked the fact that i have to focus on each and every part of my body to do them. me like it :D
 
oh and i almost forgot. i went through my first diary and all the posts and it made me remember. and i reread the essay that i wrote for one contest and it just came back.

the last few sentences were:

I didn’t start with the lifestyle change immediately. It took me some time to understand and accept the fact that some things are not my fault and that I can’t influence them. Even if the guilt part comes up every so often, I’m not giving up. For me this journey is not about losing weight, even if it is an essential part. It is about revealing myself and that scares me more than you know. Just when I think about it I feel panic.

However, I won’t give in to fear, even if it does keep me up at night. Some may find this funny or even strange…but yes, thought of shedding these walls I created is keeping me up at nights. Through this journey I need it to convince that little girl inside of me that she has become much stronger than she ever thought she might be.

Now I’m ready to see the world. I won’t let anything hold me back. Now I know who I want to be.

and i do :D hehe i just managed to inspire myself.
 
Good for you Lena:)!I hate the plank, we do it every class at boot camp.And in the beginning for the fitness test we had to hold it for 2 mins:SI held it for 1min 20 secs in prob position and then on my knees for the rest.Im glad your reinspired adn doing this!Keep up the great work!
 
You're awesome, Lena--your picked yourself off the ground and are now flying toward your goal! Like I said in the rep--life is bloody difficult. No matter how hard or impossible or HOPELESS it may seem to lose weight, every little thing you do gets you closer to the inevitable VICTORY :hurray: It's a mind-fuck. Don't let it slip you up. Patience and hard work are underrated--when things don't happen fast enough and your hard work doesn't show up right away (and these things will happen), BRAINWASH yourself into keeping faith that you will eventually succeed. Because if you start to doubt yourself, then you slip into believing the nagging little sabotaging voice that should be mute by now :) When the going gets tough, the tough buckles down and keeps exercising and eating right!!!! :gnorsi:
 
cinderelly said:
Good for you Lena:)!I hate the plank, we do it every class at boot camp.And in the beginning for the fitness test we had to hold it for 2 mins:SI held it for 1min 20 secs in prob position and then on my knees for the rest.Im glad your reinspired adn doing this!Keep up the great work!
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thanx cerella for support :) as for planks i know its weird but i actually like it, it makes me use the entire body, and i want to do it correctly. bit by bit hehe :)

Curvie Girlie said:
You're awesome, Lena--your picked yourself off the ground and are now flying toward your goal! Like I said in the rep--life is bloody difficult. No matter how hard or impossible or HOPELESS it may seem to lose weight, every little thing you do gets you closer to the inevitable VICTORY :hurray: It's a mind-fuck. Don't let it slip you up. Patience and hard work are underrated--when things don't happen fast enough and your hard work doesn't show up right away (and these things will happen), BRAINWASH yourself into keeping faith that you will eventually succeed. Because if you start to doubt yourself, then you slip into believing the nagging little sabotaging voice that should be mute by now :) When the going gets tough, the tough buckles down and keeps exercising and eating right!!!! :gnorsi:
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:)thanx val your support really means a lot. today i feel like i found the old me and it is such a relief. and somehow i have a feeling i won't let me get me lost again.

today's food:

breakfast: three slces of whole wheat bread withpate and 1 yogurt
snack: 1 muesli bar, 1 nescafe
lunch: beef stew with veggies
snack: small sandwich
dinner: three tangerines and 1 fruit yogurt-

in case i start feeling really hungry i'll have a bite or two of salami without the bread.

exercise:
i scrubbed the entire carpet with one large brush, then vacuumed doing lunges (i'm just crazy like that lol)
now i'm trying to pump the bed with a pump for pilates ball. the bf is on his way and will come in the morning ;) but i don't have a double bed. i do have this this thing you inflate, which is the size of a double bed. so i figure that will take me at least an hour to inflate. speak about exercise and using energy. anyway i'm tired now.
 
Wow, vacuuming makes me SWEAT like a MoFo, and your ass is doing lunges??? :D No wonder you're tired! HEY, enjoy your time with the BF, bow chicka bow wow!!! :drool5:
 
Have fun with the b/f.Im glad you two are still going strong and he was serious about all and so were you:)

As for the blanks.I will tell you on the exercise we do with the blanks.When you are holding the blank position, turn your arms out to the outside and lower your body into a push up, lol.
 
the BF came :) yaaaay
i am at work and had to leave the wonderfully warm hug int he morning. shame.
but we had a great weekend, he came on saturday morning, and we spent most of the day in bed lol and the evening, watched a movie and stuff hehe, yesterday we were walking around for about 3 hours and returned to bed lol. let me tell ya... i feel a lot calmer now hahaha

he leaves on wednesday evening and i'll see him right after christmas, so at least i'll see him in a month or so.
and boy did i feel loved these past two days. he was very affectionate and we were talking about our future and all. hopefully in 3-4 months i'll have my financial situation improved and we'll move in :)

anyway, gotta work. here's my food for yesterday:

breakfast: smaller sandwich and crackers with cheese spread and turkey ham
lunch: 3 sarmas and 1 slice of bread (sarma is mixed minced meat and rice wrapped in leafs of sauerkraut)
dinner: 2 sarmas and some sauerkraut on the side and 1 slice of bread
snack: 2 tangerines

it was a bit higher on calories i suppose, but it was just so yummy :)

exercise:
3 hour lighter walk

ok see ya all tomorrow...will try to catch up on diaries a bit. hugs
 
:hurray: What a wonderful time with your loved one :beating:

I sort of know a little about it--just last week I started seeing the Long Term Fuck Buddy for whom I made an alias: Thomas. It was nice to cuddle and kiss (and other stuff, haha) after not being touched at all for over 2 months. HAHA!

Hey, enjoy your time together!!!! Hope it works out so you can move in!
 
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