Krystal's Diary

Well, maybe when you're on a budget you'll eat less...wishful thinking isnt it?

Well good luck. You can still keep up the exercise and at least watch the portions.
 
Fresh mushrooms, mixed berries, and water for breakfast. Man I will feel SO much better about everything when the weather warms up, and Scott and I can go walk every night again.
 
Krystal said:
Fresh mushrooms, mixed berries, and water for breakfast. Man I will feel SO much better about everything when the weather warms up, and Scott and I can go walk every night again.
Click to expand...

Mushrooms and berries? Ahhh, fungi and fruit, the breakfast of champions!!

So whatcha doing today Biatch? Besides fantasizing about me nekkid?
 
This morning (after multiple hours of picturing Amy naked) I ate some raspberries and blueberries for breakfast. Then I had a spring mix salad, with cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms, and 15 calories worth of that salad spritzer dressing. I also ate like 4 or 5 of those stupid mini-reeces peanut butter cups while I was on the phone with my mother...force of habit. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I'm currently enjoying my lunch time can of tuna and olive oil, without salt...yay me!
 
Berry filled crepes this morning for breakfast. I got the recipe from the Biggest Loser website. It wasn't too bad...I think I'll have to experiment with the kinds of berries I put in, because it was a little bit tart for me so early in the morning. Lunch is some tuna and avocado, possibly followed by some nanners or mushrooms if I'm still feeling munchy.
Scott and I are going to join the YMCA this year, so that no matter what the weather, we have a place to work out, or swim, and we won't have "it's cold" as an excuse not to do it. We are both the worst enablers for each other...I'm not sure what to do about that yet. I'm hoping that forking over the $70 a month for the YMCA will be a big motivator for both of us to get our asses in there to work out.
I really don't want to go thru another year being fat. Not just for vanity's sake, but because it's really starting to take it's toll on me. When I'm on the phone, I can't converse and mill around the house doing things like I used to, because I get short of breath. It's embarrassing. Getting dressed is a battle because everything clings, rides up, squeezes, pinches...you name it. And let me tell you that when you're a fat girl anyway, and PMS pays it's monthly bloating visit...it's not pretty.
I literally feel as if I'm in someone else's skin. This body is like a big overstuffed coat that belongs to someone else. I'm so ready to get out of it. I feel like the true me is hidden underneath all these layers.
I have to stop making excuses. Unless I get off of my fat ass and MOVE, the weight isn't going to come off. I can't expect the food to do the work for me. I can't expect that eating veggies and fruit and fish is going to change everything all at once. I do feel MUCH better because of the change in diet, but I'm not going to lose weight if I don't get my ass up out of my chair and DO something.
I hope joining the YMCA is the motivation I need.

I think it might be time to revisit my old councilor. I have known for a long time that food is more than just food for me. It's a comfort. It's something that I literally obsess over sometimes. At breakfast I'm thinking about lunch. At lunch I'm thinking about dinner...you get the picture. It's one thing for which I honestly can't pinpoint the "why." I'm humiliated by it, because I know it must seem like the most disgusting, pathetic thing to an outsider. "Just stop eating, fatass..."
What if an alcoholic had to have three drinks a day for the rest of his life? What if a coke addict had to snort at least three lines every day? But not OVERdo it...
Meh...I need a therapist who is a personal trainer. Someone who can ask me how I feel about that while they're spanking my ass on the stair-master. :D
 
Krystal, im addicted to sugar, flour and wheat, if I eat it, I AM like an alcoholic looking for the BIG FIX...

trouble is, its completely legal and easier to get than drugs or alcohol...and you dont even have to get out of your car (drive thrus)

im on my fourth day of avoiding this stuff, im feeling better, I PRAY I can keep it up....
 
Hang in there! Have you figured out any tricks that work to help you stay away from the "bad" stuff?
 
having a plan helps and sticking to it works really good... weird thing is, when I dont have it, i'm fine....normal, if you will....

but once I do that "Fuck it" and have something I shouldn't...im done

oh, I hate those Fuck it moments!!:reddevil:

new goal: dont succumb to the Fuck its!
(am I allowed to say that here???)
 
I hope we're allowed to say it here, since I'm sure I drop an f-bomb now and then!
It's not necessarily the quality of the food that is kicking my ass, but the quantity. We keep good things in the house...salad greens, nuts, berries, fresh fruit and veg, some cheeses and lots of tuna and chicken...but I can literally eat from sun up to sun down. By the time I go to bed, I'm so full that you can physically see it. It is a very conscious effort NOT to eat constantly. I have to literally think to myself "don't eat right now, it's not time to eat, only 2 more hours until lunch, you don't need it, you don't need it..." It's sickening.
And being fat is humiliating enough for me, without the added humiliation of being fat because I eat like a hog.
I'm like a bulimic who doesn't puke. I go on these binges where I can literally put away enough food for three days.
Example...
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Lindt milk chocolate bars. They're so delectable and perfect. So now and then I think I deserve one, since I've gone so long without one. I'll pick one up, and then think, well, I might as well get a few more and I'll just have one each day this week. So I'll walk out of the store with four. They are GONE by the next day!! String cheese is another bad one. I've killed an entire pack of 12 string cheeses in a day before. I give myself a little slack tho, because I eat nothing else when I do that. But HOW is that normal? LOL...that's why I say I need to get back into counseling for it. I know that things like this tend to get worse over time, and when I think back to how it used to be, it really has gotten worse.
Ugh...I'm sitting here daydreaming about chocolate and cheese now. Pitiful:D
 
I think we might go over to the YMCA this evening and get ourselves signed up as members. I think that will be a huge motivator for us, since we hardly get ANY exercise. My diet is still in need of some serious tweaking...I do prefer natural, healthy foods, but there is still that part of me that isn't willing to give up the greasy fast food, and the Lindt truffles. I think that part of me needs her fat ass kicked...
I'm hoping that working out and swimming at the YMCA will take the place of being bored and deciding to go out shopping or to a fast food place...it's something that will keep my mind off of the migraines, (shopping does that now, and it's not good for the budget!) and something that will be very healthy for us at the same time.
Our poor children need someone to set a decent example for them. I'm so relieved that they aren't overweight, but I know that eventually they might pick up the bad habits too...I never want to see that. Time to kick it into gear.
 
Hang in there, Krystal! don't give up before the MIRACLE!!! xoxox
 
Well, we made it over the first hurdle. We went down to the Y and signed up!! Woohoo!
Then we went to walmart to buy some decent workout clothing and shoes for the both of us. Of course I ended up in tears because I couldn't find a fucking shirt that was long enough to cover my belly and hide my hips. Like I want a shirt riding up and showing off my problem areas...sure. I ended up picking out a 5X, because it was the only thing long enough, that didn't get caught up on my hips when I raised my arms. The damn thing looks like I'm wearing a hospital gown that's 4 sizes too big, but I'll be damned if I'm going to go into that place feeling like my clothes are clinging to me and making me self conscious. Scott was so supportive, and just tried to be patient while I had my mini-breakdown. And he reminded me that we've taken an important step towards me not having to buy all these frumpy things anymore..."Just think about all the cute clothes that you'll be able to buy thanks to all the exercise." Thank God for him. Not many men would put up with the ridonkulous behavior I exhibit from time to time:)
I picked up some caesar salad mix and some tuna for lunches this week. I've also found that I LOVE avocado on my pita sandwiches, instead of mayo. So yay for me actually making a change. And BOTH of us were dying for some chocolate this evening, but we resisted. One day at a time I guess:D
 
Hey Krystal,

I just read through your posts and I can truly, totally relate. I'm the same way--I'll eat so good for a couple of weeks, work out really hard.. then one day I'll tell myself I deserve to have a cookie or some snacks, and then I overdo it completely to where I've consumed thousands of calories worth of shit. I'd been eating right and working out since the day after Christmas and on superbowl Sunday I got off track and gained back 4 pounds since. It sucks and I get mad at myself for ever getting off track. How are you doing with your diet? How often will you and your husband be going to the Y? My fiance and I are getting married August 23, 2008 and I'm trying to lose 10 lbs before then.. ideally 15 but 10 is my goal. It's hard work but its good to know there are people out there that I can relate to. Good luck!
 
Good morning Bride:)
We're planning on going every afternoon. We typically have trouble staying "in" and we always wind up eating fast food, or spending too much money going shopping. We're hoping that the Y will give us something to do that is actually GOOD for us for a change. We're both terrible enablers for one another, and we have to change it before we wind up killing each other. LOL
Breakfast this morning was a banana with peanut butter,and think I'm having another Caesar salad for lunch. I get the "kit" at walmart that comes with everything already in the bag. That way I don't have to rely on myself to use an "acceptable" amount of dressing and cheese and all that, since it's already pre-measured. I keep lots of tuna, avocados, and fruit around for snacking. And I think I have some nuts too. If can stick to those kinds of foods, I really don't beat myself up about my 'binges.' It's when I tank up on string cheese and bullshit foods that I really get down on myself. I know there's probably some issue there, but until I get back into counciling I'm not going to know how to deal with that...
 
What's up chica! Don't be too hard on yourself and just remember that too much of a good thing can be bad also. I could eat the hell out of almonds and they are loaded with good fats but too many will pack on the lbs.

Where's my krystal that dropped 35lbs like it was nothing last year? You remember how much I hated you for it? Lol! You did it in no time so I know you can do it again. Your Pa dying added alot of stress I know but today is a new day and time to start over and do this. "We" can do this!

I will be up there next month so you'd better get your ass in gear so I can take you shopping for some new workout clothing that work for ya. This will be my birthday gift to you this year instead of a basket full of Lindt chocolates. I know, I'm a bad friend! Bad Amy!! Naughty naughty!
 
Well, we did it. Here's the blog I posted on myspace when we got home from our first workout last night...enjoy:D:D

"Soooo, we did it. We joined a facility that contains equipment for "exercise."
It was only mildly horrifying...not nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be. I'm pretty sure the emotional scars of my fledgling visit this evening will be gone within a few hours...
We started off by taking Kelsey to the child care area. There were plenty of windows, and I could see her at all times, so I got over the uncomfortable feeling pretty quickly. Tyler and Scott made their way to the pool, and I waddled myself out onto the fitness floor where all the torture devices...er...workout equipment was kept.
My first stop was a stationary bike with what looked like a TV monitor on the front of it. I immediately thought that was what I wanted, and sat down to have a nice leisurely ride and watch some cartoons. Those of you who are gym-savvy probably already know it wasn't a TV monitor. It was an animated bike marathon of some sort, and helped keep track of your miles and your calories and your speed and all that good crap. Well, fine, I can live with that. Well I quickly realized that there was absolutely no resistance on the damn thing, because it was BROKEN, and I probably looked like a total tard sitting there on a broken bike with a big red sticker on the screen that pretty much said THIS FUCKING THING IS BROKEN AND YOU'RE A DIPSHIT IF YOU DON'T GET UP NOW! Well not to be made a fool of by a machine, I sat there for a good five minutes and pedaled the damn thing.
Moving on. I found a stationary bike at the corner of the room with no TV monitor, and decided maybe that was what I needed. I sat down and fumbled with the buttons on it, trying to figure it out...finally I just said 'fuckit' and started pedaling. Well evidently, pedaling is the 'on' button on these things, and it lit up like a Christmas tree. I figured out where it registered my time and decided to set a goal of 20 minutes...realistic enough, right? WRONG. Three minutes into my god awful ride, I was wheezing and puffing like an idiot, and I began to realize that the sun was coming in the widow, straight into my eyes. Nice. I stay for another 10 minutes tho, because I can't let the 160 year old man next to me out-do me! I distracted myself by watching the butt-jiggle of the girl on the treadmill, and I try to match pace with the ripples. Then I realize I'm staring at a butt and that's probably not good gym etiquette, and I avert my eyes to the thigh jiggle of the guy next to her. Now when I say 'jiggle' I mean, 'rippling, well toned, obviously absurdly physically fit movement.' Not the kind of fat, sloppy jiggle I've become accustomed to. Moving on.
At that point I looked up at the tall, well defined man walking in front of me. Oh shit. Is that...it is. The football jock I went to high school with...the asshole...the one I had a crush on, but who treated me like a peon...UGH. And it gets worse...he's wearing the uniform of a person who WORKS here. Yeah, it doesn't get any better than that, does it.
Sooooo at this point I'm thinking 'what the motherfuck have we signed up for' and I take a stroll to the pool where Scott and Tyler are giggling and splashing and playing...the fuckers...and I let Scott in on my little secret hell. He just reminded me that it will get easier. He decided to come and do some working out with me, so he went to get changed. We walked back out onto the floor, and took a little half-lap to see what machines were available. Along the way we see a man I've known since I was a child, who is probably in his 50's. He's trucking away on the treadmill, and says hello without even a hint of being winded. The fucker. I come to what I think is called an elliptical, and I climb up on it. Not so bad...I think I can do this one. Once I get the rhythm down, it's not so hard.
A few things, at this point...
1. There are television screens across the front of the room, and most of them are on different stations. Lucky me, I just happen to be in front of the one where Rachel Ray is cooking up some sort of whipped cream, chocolate, lard pie of some sort. Cruel.
2. The butt jiggle-staring is actually very motivating. I found myself scanning the room, comparing all the different levels of jiggle. The firmer the bod, the quicker the jiggle 'completes' itself.
3. I suddenly realized I was THE fattest girl in the room. That was a moment of agony and I almost gave up and left...until I was distracted by number 4...
4. How does one deal with the urge to fart while on a workout machine? If anyone has the answer, I'd be interested...
Just FYI, I let it rip and hoped for a non-stinker. Lucked out on that one.

So, all in all it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Of course I wish I was walking into the situation about a thousand pounds lighter, but at least I have made the effort. And I'm actually looking forward to going back tomorrow.
That's all"
 
Last night I got hubby up on an elliptical machine right next to me. I was really surprised at how many times he wanted to quit. In the beginning he did quit, because it hurt his knees. I told him that it hurt mine too, but that I knew I had to keep going. He settled on a stationary bike at that point, so I didn't push it. When I finally got him back on it, I really had to beg him to stay. "If you give up, I'M going to want to give up too. I need you to do this." He stayed, although I don't know if it was because of me or because of the hot girl who climbed up on the machine next to him. Eventually, we were making a race out of it, to see who could get in the most strides in our 15 minute session. I won...but he burned more calories. It felt good.

But there's a problem. As soon as we left, the cravings started. Not even a really bad one, but we gave into it. Fucking 1200 calories worth of Arby's curly fries, a BLT and a Dr. Pepper. And that's not all. A bag of Lindt truffles.
WHY do I do that?!
Later on at home I just sat in the chair and started crying. I felt sick to my stomach from all the chocolate, but I knew that if there was another bag, I'd eat those too. I know there is some emotional issue behind the way I eat. Even if it's 'healthy' food, I still put away enough for three people. I told Scott, "I know exactly WHEN and WHY I started to get fat. I know what issues is behind it, I just don't know what to do about it!" We vowed to stop eating in restaurants, and to save the money for something else...but I know that's only a small chip off of a very big iceberg. Something real is behind this, and I don't know how to fix it. No amount of working out is going to change the fact that I still stuff myself unreasonably full, and don't know why.
What a stupid, lazy and humiliating thing to be addicted to. I almost wish I was a crack addict instead. At least then I could just stop buying the fucking crack.:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
 
Hello

Hi. I've read a couple of your entries and I know how you feel. When I'm hungry or am eating a certain food, sometimes it's insatiable. My stomach can hurt but I'll still keep going, as if to fill up some kind of void. You just have to either stop yourself when you've had enough of something or completely avoid it all together. Maybe you should make up some kind of point system and only reward yourself when you reach a certain goal- like "I'll only have 4 squares of dark chocolate if I do 30 mins of exercise without stopping." Things are only going to change when you put your foot down and say, "I'm not going to allow junk food in the house" or "I'm only going to eat fast food once or twice a month."
Also, when it comes to the gym, you just have to remember that no one is there to judge you, everyone is there to work on their own selves and their own "problem" areas. Sometimes I get self conscious if I wear a tank top to the gym or if I'm really sweaty, and then I kick myself because that's what a gym is for! It's not a beauty or fitness competition even though it might sometimes feel like it!
Anywho, I have to get ready for work, but keep up the good work and take a look at my journal if you want, it's called ~*125 By Summer*~
Take care and remember, it's a long road we're on but it's not a race, and each day of being healthy will improve your life so just stick with it!
 
Hello there my beautiful ex-sister-in-law. Don't feel guilty about it, we ALL have personal issues that we are dealing with that we aren't proud of. The first step is admitting there is a problem and you have done that. The next step is to figure out a way to fix it or deal with it in a healthier manner.

I love you girl!
 
Only at 735 calories so far today! Woohoo me! I ate my nanners and berries for breakfast, and a turkey sammich for lunch, followed by half an avocado. I haven't even made it thru the avocado yet, and I'm already full.
We figured out the schedule at the gym, and it's actually much more flexible than we originally thought. Should be just about perfect, in fact.
AND, we're going to pick up a couple of MP3 players tonight. I've never had one before. I've got an awesome song list to add to it, and it will be a much better distraction for me than those stupid TV's that always seem to be on the fucking food network. Whose idea of a sick joke is that, anyway?
Last night I did THIRTY minutes on the elliptical. I was so proud of myself I even went back for five more after I cooled down a bit. I'm really excited that I might have found what I needed to stick with it this time.
I'm still concerned with the amount of food I eat, and the fact that I slip into unhealthy habits so easily. But one step at a time, I suppose.
As for today, it feels like a good day. I've worked out for three straight days, and I haven't worried about the fibromyalgia even once...I'd say that's a sign of something:)
 
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