Kristindiva's diary

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kristindiva

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I'm hoping things are really different when I look back on this sometime in the future.

Today is the official start of my new diet and exercise program. After battling with a chronic illness for two years, I find myself in a better place in almost every way except for being 67 pounds overweight. I am determined to let the couch get some air and get out there. I'm a single 35 year old woman and I don't want to be trapped in a body I hate and feeling poorly about myself for the rest of my life. I'm tired of feeling like the biggest person in the room and completely invisible to men. I'm a fun-loving, big-hearted and all-around great person to be around and it would be nice to get back out there and date.

I'm trying to drink a lot of water and eat about 1200 calories a day. I'm also looking for recipes to cook healthier meals I can eat on for the week so I don't have an excuse to pick up something on the way home from work. I wish I could eat things I really like in moderation like some people but if I see it, I will eat it. I had visitors recently and they left a 1/2 gallon of low-fat ice cream in the fridge. I've already made it through half of it. I need to just throw it away but I don't feel good about wasting food like that.

I find it incredibly hard to make it to the gym. I used to be a gym rat, always working out and looking amazing. I don't know if it's depression or what but I'll get motivated to go and then lose momentum within minutes. I don't know if it's that I'm so overwhelmed with the concept of how much I want to lose that or if I'm intimidated to be there with all those incredibly thin, beautiful people. I know people look at me when I go there and it makes me really self-conscious.

I've also got to get out of my own head. I've become really self-conscious since gaining the weight - to the point of avoiding mirrors and reflective surfaces. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I used to be a vibrant, thin, really attractive person. Where did I go? How do I ever get back there? I'm really overwhelmed and sort of scared but I know that I have to push forward or I'll never get to where I want to go.

Anyway, any and all support is very welcome. I feel like this starts a whole new chapter in my life, one I hope will be filled with self-respect, love and a better, wonderful, healthy me.
 
Hey, another Diva in the house! We can never have too many of those!

Welcome here! You need encouragement, this is the place:)

I had visitors recently and they left a 1/2 gallon of low-fat ice cream in the fridge. I've already made it through half of it. I need to just throw it away but I don't feel good about wasting food like that
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It IS a waste if it's making you feel bad :( Don't let it! It's just food; you didn't even pay for it. I'd rather feel guilty for throwing it away, than feel guilty for eating it... You are more important, and deserve better than that!
 
thank you

I appreciate the words of encouragement. That ice cream is going out the door tonight!

Divas must stick together! Thanks very much and hang in there! I choose not to fail as well!
 
Hey diva! Welcome to the forum.

I just wanted to say that not everyone at the gym is skinny...and not everyone who's there has always been skinny. You are 35, if you want to go to the gym--go and who gives a rats butt what anyone else says or thinks. This is about you not them. If you want to do something just do it---push your way through, claw to the top and don't let anyone stop you.
 
go and who gives a rats butt what anyone else says or thinks. This is about you not them. If you want to do something just do it---push your way through, claw to the top and don't let anyone stop you.
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Love the attitude Kaitie! And she's right...the one's who have felt the way you do will understand, and the one's that haven't, screw 'em!:D
 
You can do it, and we can help :)

You get that mind dialed in and the body will follow ;)

If the return to gym is neggie right now, blow it off. I'd hate to see you fail for not going to a place you don't have be at anyway. Work on anything you feel comfy with at home until you return to the gym.

I'm sure many of us avoid the gym for the same reason and many of us are doing so well without it that we may never set foot inside of gym - so let's cross that off the list of things we don't have to do and start on your list of things you need and want to do.

Now, let's get started shall we !?!?!
 
shin splints

Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. I decided to leave work early yesterday and go for a really long power walk, which felt amazing except for the shin splints I got about 1/2 through. I remembered kaitie's comment about powering through and clawing my way to the top and the whole time I was practically limping back to my apartment I kept telling myself to look forward, not backward, that this like all things too shall pass. I'm so determined to get this weight off....

I'm trying to figure if I should go on some kind of specialized diet or just try to eat right and exercise. My mom suggested keeping a food journal and writing down everything I eat all day. Does that really help?
 
I LOVE keeping a food journal... it keeps me on track, and it makes me think before I put something in my mouth - I KNOW that i will have to write it down - and I promise myself that I will just write everything- no holding back.

It also helps to really see what you are putting in your body, and you can get some great advice from others who can suggest ways of just switching things up a bit. I totally encourage you to post your food intake =)

I'm excited that you're doing the halloween challenge and that we'll be in a group together... let's keep each other motivated!!!
 
Progress report - 9/18/06

Thanks for the comment on the food diary. I've been doing it and it's really been helping. The more I'm accountable for what I put into my mouth the better choices I've been making. Thanks for that.

So, got on the scale this weekend and I'm down another three pounds. Man, those were some serious pounds to lose but I'm so happy over this victory I did a little dance in my apartment. I'm officially below 200, which was a huge victory for me.

To celebrate, I went out to the mall and decided to get some new jeans since my 18s are too big. Grabbed a couple different sizes and went to the dissing room - er, dressing room. I have to tell you, the mirror and I are not friends. At my maximum weight, the only time I would look in a mirror was to put on makeup and even then it was neck-up only. I grabbed a pair of size 14 jeans and held my breath as I put them on and THEY CLOSED! YES! I think everyone in that dressing room heard me screaming and crying. I walked out and was smiling so big I think the dressing room attendant must have thought I was on something. I've never been so happy to purchase clothing in my life.

I've decided to set little cash and prizes goals for myself as I go and I'm tying them to the Halloween weight loss challenge so I stick to my goals and lose this weight. I'm tying them to self-esteem builders, like new lipstick, perfume, stuff like that. If I reach my twenty pound goal at the end of this Halloween challenge, I'm buying this pair of boots I really want because my legs will have gone down enough for me to purchase them (one hopes).

I'm really looking forward to dating again. I might just be one of the best kept secrets here and I really miss being out with a fun guy. I think in about twenty pounds I'll have the self-confidence back to be able to really delve into dating and not feel self-conscious about my body.

All in all, things are finally on an uphill swing and I just need to keep them there. New job is going well and soon I'll have a great new body and life to go with it!
 
Not so fast

I think I officially lost my mind last night. I got out of my doctor's appointment and had some bad news. Went to this restaurant I love and just proceeded to undo all the good work I've been doing. I started out ok with a salad but then I had a specialty dish and a couple of beers. I'm so sad. I have been especially good today but I keep thinking of what I did to my diet last night and it makes me so depressed.

I'm so sad right now. I want this weight off so badly and I can't afford screw ups like that.
:mad:
 
Girl, don't beat yourself up. I know the feeling. A couple of weeks ago I had an "incident" with my ex that I'm still in love with and that continues to toy with my heart....but that's another thread. After this "incident" I went into a chocolate binge and then felt horrible, physicallly and emotionally.

It happens to the best of us. Shake off the dust and get back on the horse. We're only human and each experience is a lesson learned. *big hug*
 
Thanks, Daye! I've brushed myself off and am back in the saddle, more determined than ever. Thanks for the words of encouragement, though! *HUG*:)
 
I didn't even get a chance to answer all these wonderful questions:


-- How much weight do you want to lose?
I want to lose a total of 67 lbs. That gets me down from 216 (which is what I weighed at the beginning of the month) to 145 (target weight where I feel amazing and look super cute in all my clothes.)

-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
I'd like to be at 170 by Thanksgiving and then be at 145 by Valentine's Day.

-- How do you want to accomplish your goal?
1. Utilize my YMCA membership and attend a minimum of four classes/workouts a week.
2. Don't eat or snack three hours before bedtime.
3. Drink 12 glasses of water every day.
4. Keep calories at or below 1400 per day.

-- How realistic is your goal?
I think it's very realistic and achievable as long as I stick to the workouts, which are the hardest thing to stick to in this program.

-- When will you start?
I've already started all four goals. Wish me luck!
 
9/20/06

Breakfast:
1 pack peanut butter crackers (190)

Lunch:
1 lean cuisine entree (240)

Snack
1 Smart Ones entree (260)

Dinner
2 glasses of white wine (200)
1 bowl chicken with cashew nuts (I have no idea so we'll credit the small portion I had with about 400 cals)

Total: 1290 cals
Total water: 100 oz.

I went to the gym last night and was doing this abdominal class which led into the craziest step class I've ever seen. I used to be able to do these classes with one arm tied behind my back. Now I'm struggling to get through them with all these people. No one seems to be as lost as I am so I know I look foolish. I found myself getting really embarassed but I had to put it out of my head. I have jeans to get back into, people.

Today I'm going to try and work a really long walk into my workout program and do some Pilates on DVD this evening. I love the Pilates classes and what they're doing for my muscle tone. If anyone has a chance to do the mat-based classes at the gym, I highly recommend them. I also recommend yoga. I did yoga about five times a week when I lived in New York City and I was in the best shape of my life with a metabolism that wouldn't quit.

Well, tomorrow's the weigh in. Wish me luck!
 
kristindiva said:
I am determined to let the couch get some air and get out there.
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I love this line! It's a great attitude and quite funny to boot!

I noticed you're eating a few prepared foods, and I've heard that some of the frozen dinners have a lot of sodium in them, which if I remember right can make you retain water. Somewhere on this forum there's a thread about sodium; if I can find it, I'll link to it! (And just ignore this if the sodium content of those meals is low. :))

I'm glad you were able to put the awkward feeling out of your mind during the step class--- "I have jeans to get back into, people", another classic line! ---and kept on going. With a mindset like that, you'll shed these pounds in no time!

Thanks for writing in my journal, I'll make sure to bookmark this one and keep checking up. :) Go Freddies!!

Sifen
 
Realistic goals.
Great attitude.

I know you will get there.

Don't beat yourself up for the bad days. Start fresh from where you are. I sit at the same weight for weeks (and sometimes months), and sometimes even go up a little, but I never give up. I keep pushing on.

We can't let the fat win!!!!
 
Thanks for that. Yeah, this morning's weigh in for the Halloween challenge was a bit disappointing, but I think I know why it turned out that way.

I'm up three pounds. However, it was pointed out to me by Sifen (thanks, sweetie!) that I eat a lot of pre-packaged diet foods like Lean Cuisine, SmartOnes and stuff like that for lunch. I have noticed since I've been eating these every day that I've been swelling a bit around my mid-section. Come to look at the back of these things. One box has 880 mg of sodium. WHAT THE...?!?!? NO WONDER I've gained three pounds - it's probably nothing but water weight! I've been taking in (most likely) five times the amount of sodium I'm supposed to in a day. So, you live and you learn. I'll hit the grocery store this weekend and buy all fresh things to pack and carry with me for lunch and for breakfast. Combine that with going to the gym five times a week and look out next weigh-in!

I'm still drinking all this water, though. Maybe that'll help flush all this nastiness out of my system.

I'm disappointed but it's a process. I can't let my wanting to win the challenge and lose 20 lbs by Halloween get me down. It'll all work out, I'm sure.
 
kristindiva said:
So, you live and you learn. I'll hit the grocery store this weekend and buy all fresh things to pack and carry with me for lunch and for breakfast. Combine that with going to the gym five times a week and look out next weigh-in!

I'm still drinking all this water, though. Maybe that'll help flush all this nastiness out of my system.
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You have such a wonderful spirit! I'm glad you checked out the sodium in those meals. It's so misleading when they present themselves as healthful (and probably really are, in all other respects).

I already posted it over with the Freddies, but you're doing great, and don't let something as minor as water weight get you down. Especially now that you're going to pick up some fresh foods! Definitely next week I'm sure you will rock this challenge hard!

Have a great day!

Sifen
 
Thanks for the support and the warning shot about the sodium-laced nastiness I've been eating. I wanted to call Poison Control after looking at the ingredients list on all these things. Ugh.

Next week, baby! Next week!
 
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