Khammer's Diary

[khammer]

I'm 17.
My 18th birthday is February 1.
I just had my third anniversary with my boyfriend this past weekend.
And the drunken photos of that night are enough to make me want a change.
I feel terrible, I can barely sleep, and when I do, I oversleep.
I haven't been to a full week of school yet and it's already second term.
One of my life long dreams is to be a Suicide Girl and I don't think that could ever be possible in the shape I am in.
I am five feet, four inches, and I weigh 167 pounds. I am currently at my highest weight.
In the past I have lost weight through starvation and over exercising and lost about 30 in a month and half, not a good thing. I've gained it all back plus four more.
I've giving up smoking marijuana because it just makes me feel so much worse about myself, I'm suddenly ultra conscious of how I look and what's jiggling and I hate it.
I do drink, but only occassionally. I get drunk maybe twice a month, if that.
I smoke cigarettes. Bad, bad I know.
I need to get into a healthier lifestyle.
When I stumbled over this forum I was so surprised by all the success stories, especially the women, because I just relate to them so much more. Girls bigger than me, my size, they've all been able to kick the bad habits and become strong, lean women.
I'm a lacto-ovo vegetarian for a year now and am very interested in becoming vegan.

So here I am.
Ready for change.
Tomorrow after school I will come home, get on my stationary bike, and do 45 minutes.
I will eat all my meals.
I am going to wake up on time even if I didn't get enough sleep.
And I'm just going to eat what I know is good for me.

My goals for the future are
1 month - do cardio more days of the week than not, wake up on time
3 months - quit smoking
6 months - weigh 135 lbs
1 year - weigh 115 pounds, become vegan, send in a set for SG

Any support or tips would be appreciated.

 

[khammer]

This is exactly why I need to lose weight, and become healthier.
I stayed home, all day. I really did feel like crap, but it was more emotional than physical.
I ate an ENTIRE medium primo vegetarian pizza. That's eight pieces. I was full after like three. Why did I finish it all? What did I accomplish? Now I REALLY feel like crap.
I was cleaning my room tonight and came across some old photos of myself from when I was like 12. In elementary school I was "fat". Looking at these photos I was gorgeous. I must have been about 40 or maybe even 50 pounds lighter. My face was beautiful even without makeup. My legs were long and lean, I had no boobs, I had a little butt going on, I was pretty thin. I was about 115 - 125 pounds and about 5 feet, but I was also pretty muscular. I can't believe I let myself think that I was fat. For so long I hated myself, and now hate myself even more for wasting my time hating myself.
How did I get this far? That's an easy question to answer, but seriously, how do we get this way? Why don't we listen to what's good for us?

This ends now.
I am waking up at 6 in the morning and doing 45 minutes on the stationary bike, empty stomach. I am going to eat a nutritious breakfast and it will be my biggest meal. I will have my snacks and meals at appropriate times.
I didn't think I even had before photos but this has certainly proved me wrong.
In 3 months, I want to be 20 pounds lighter for my birthday.
I can't keep going on like this, eating and sitting and smoking and gaining.
There has to be a happy ending out there.