Just read Breezy's year in review and thought I would like to harken back in time. When I began my life's biggest challenge I was 30 and I weighed 130 pounds. I was a runner. I was running to get strong enough to leave my ten year marriage. The marriage, which took place in a Krishna temple, wasn't actually that bad, but during it I was extremely repressed and screaming inside my head. I blamed him. It was me. I went from years of being scattered in all directions to a descent in to madness that began two years after the divorce. The day I left the husband I moved in with the boyfriend. Two polar opposites. Partied all night long, full time landscaping school, evenings waitressing, disrupted sleep for two years, how long could I go on without sleep?
Cracked ribs, pleurisy, decompensation, mania, delirium, to the emergency ward for inhalers and woke up in the psych ward. Many lengthy hospital stays. Mania, pain, hallucinations. Employment problems.
The new man? I always knew there was something wrong with his perfect life and I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, even though it was staring me in the face. Marajuana. While I was the educated one, with him I had the stigma of mental illness, and the lost pride of having once been married to a very very smart man. I was the one in the hospital gown. I kept getting worse and worse and after many work interruptions my working life ended at age 37.
I have gone from the void of no work, no one, no incoming phonecalls, interminable hours in the day. I remember my mom taking me to the pool and I would just sit in the kiddy pool, physically there, but unable to enjoy, and the biggest thing was just staring at the seconds pass on the clock on the wall. Time moved at a glacial pace and nothing ever happened to me.
I have rebuilt a life from zero. Did the work without any reward. (Did I just say that? )
Fast forward to now, where I feel privileged to have this great luxury, time. I have friends and acquaintances. I am admired. I have healed my aching loneliness. I have learned to thrive while living alone. My relationship with my two sons, now 18 and 14, keeps getting better all the time. They have gone from peripheral to my world when they were small and I was ill, to central to my daily and future happiness.
I am secretly guilty. My life is completely stress free and time flies. I think the most attractive thing about my appearance is the softness and lack of tension in my face. Its nice to have the time of day.
My highest weight, 220 was reached when I gained 30 pounds in 30 days on a drug called Olanzapine. I ate a lot. I used to wake up with food on my comforter, date squares, slices of cheese, and cooking pasta to eat in the middle of the night.
And after seven years on lithium I began to wet the bed every night for three months, I think. I was maxed out on medication and still having real problems. I fired my old psychiatrist and got a new one who is just like my favourite aunt. God bless her. She added schizoaffective disorder to my diagnosis of bipolar and added the requisite antipsychotic medication which has led to my recovery. I have had so much therapy I feel qualified myself.
So at 220, with chaffed thighs and unable to do up my shoes, I began at Curves. Even the money for this was provided by the mental health clinic because of my problems with weight gain. I had a LOT of help. Started moving a little. Later I somehow lost twenty pounds. Don't ask me how.
I ask myself why I've stayed at this weight for five years. I've needed more time. Have been afraid to be thin (manic) again. Oh to be more comfortable physically and mentally. What would be next???
And here I am. I am on a new course with my eating habits and I have awesome support to continue. That is great news.
I wish this were in my first diary entry.
Anyone still awake?
To finish off the questions, I plan to lose twenty pounds by eating less by counting Weight Watchers poiints at home, drinking 2+ litres of herbal tea/water a day and walking. I have given myself 84 days, but I am okay if it takes a little longer. As long as I see a little progress each time I weigh myself. I may step on the scale once a week but I'm going to focus on the two week measurement.
I am also going to learn to use Fitday to better track how much I'm eating.
I'm going to take a good walk and hustle it most days, 2-3 miles to start.
I need to walk because the rest of my day is fairly inactive - I live in a small condo and don't work. Fitday is helping me to realize that I will need to move more.
I have already started, I'm in to my second week. I think the first week was the hardest because that was when I was heaviest.
I was so hungry at 5 a.m. today I ate crackers and two slices of cheese. Will count that in today's portions, will put off breakfast until I feel hungry.
A couple of other tactics will be to really focus on my internal cue to eat (hunger) and also learn when I'm vulnerable to external cues - friends offering me chocolate, etc., a bag of Doritos on the counter, boredom, listless, down.
I also like to stay close to home to better control portions.
I am going to enjoy healthier beverages which will hopefully take away the craving for high calorie foods, like cream in my coffee and Doritos on the table (I was a slave to Doritos and potato chips).
I am going to make sure I satisfy my taste buds.
I am going to trust that the portion will satisfy me until the next meal.
If I feel a need for chips I will at least make sure I have a meal and a jug of water in me before I take a portion and try to savour each one. And then brush my teeth!
And hugely important, I will look for inspiration on-line and at this forum.
I will also write to continue on the path to self-discovery which will strengthen my resolve. I will not postpone feeling amazing.
