I had another "OMG, I can't do this" fit yesterday. I went for a bike ride. It was my normal Monday/Tuesday hill ride that I've been doing for three weeks or so. Usually I come out of it feeling refreshed and wanting to ride more (at least until I cool down and stiffen up). I'd planned 25 miles. I've ridden the first half of this route before, and was just extending my distance before I turn around and retrace my steps.
There's one major hill early on, and it kicked my butt the last time I rode it. I barely made it up, my stomach was cramping, my legs were burning and jelly-like, and I had to stop, walk around to cool down at the little market at the top, and eat a candy bar. Then I went on to have a great ride.
Yesterday the hill was easier. I still felt like I was going to puke, but my breathing was better, I was a little less slow, and a little less jelly-like. I had to stop 3/4 of the way up to strip off my cycling tights and jacket because I was too hot, and I hate a handful of raisinettes. Then I was freezing (all that trapped sweat) and didn't feel like I needed to stop at the store. I stopped and refilled my water, and went on. I was so slow. I started getting a pain in my ankle on each pedal stroke, so I turned around and headed for home, which is mostly downhill.
I was having problems with tunnel-vision, and at one point, slid my left foot so far forward on the pedal that it rolled forward on a stroke and the top of the toe of my shoe dragged across the pavement, nearly pitching my over the handlebars downhill. Then the muscle spasms in my hip flexors started.
It was a -bad- ride. In retrospect, it was a bad ride in part because I need more carbs (and more salt to make up for the sweating in my tights and jacket). I should have stopped at the market, wandered around and found something that sounded good to eat. I didn't because I'd packed a lunch to eat at one of the scenic stops along the way. I also think that I was feeling "superior" about going up the hill with just five raisinettes to refuel. After all, I was trying to lose weight, so less is better than more!
After I got home, ate some real food, took a hot shower and got my brain working again, I spent the afternoon saying "I can't do this." I wanted to gorge on junk food. Particularly I wanted the pumpkin ice cream that's in the freezer. And chocolate. We were planning chili for dinner, over butternut squash, and I just rebelled at the idea.
I stuck to rule #1 though. Eat when you're hungry, don't eat when you're not hungry. My post-ride lunch had left me full, so I reminded myself I could have pumpkin ice cream after dinner if I saved room in my stomach for it. I also reminded myself that I have about 60 years ahead of me. One day of food, regardless of what it is, is error factor.
Dinner ended up being chili over corn chips. With grated jack cheese, sour cream and avocado. It was utterly delicious and indulgent. I broke up a handful of chips (maybe an ounce, maybe a little less) in the bottom of my bowl and topped it with chili (grass-fed beef that we drained the fat from, lots of dried chilies, tomatoes, pinto beans, onion and garlic, probably with a little olive oil for the veggies, lots of cilantro), then came toppings. I had chips left in the bottom of my bowl when I was finished the chili off the top, and was still hungry, so more chili and toppings. I got a third serving, and two bites in realized I was full, so I stopped. No room in my tummy for pumpkin ice cream.
All the way until bedtime I waited for there to be room in my stomach for pumpkin ice cream. No dice, and after dinner, pumpkin ice cream didn't sound so good anyway.
I was a little high in bad-fats (chips and dairy fat), and a little low in fruits and veg (6 servings instead of 9), but the day wasn't that bad. This morning, the scale said the same thing it said yesterday.
Why is my head so screwy about the occasional indulgence?
