Journey to Knowing

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Long day. Not much time to over eat. Drove 2.3 hours to volunteer at the sanctuary. Ended up I was the only one in the kitchen. Four hours but I got breakfast, lunch, and dinner prepared for 43 chimps plus I filled 49 tennis balls with chickpeas and sunflower seeds. I'm exhausted. But I realized I can make a long drive even when I'm incredibly tired. I haven't trusted myself to do that for years.

Peri is eating less and less. Jasmine will only eat freezedried food with no water. Oy.
 
Took supplies to my parents yesterday. They refuse to leave even though the power won't be restored for weeks. The next few days will be difficult to find water and gas so took down 25gallons of each. The five extra cans will help Dad do less trips to get fuel for the generator at least. Driving out of there I realized I would be perfectly fine if I never saw them again.

Eating yesterday wasn't horrible but wasn't great. Pretty good for a 16 hour road trip.

The devastation I saw was insane. I can't imagine what the coastal areas are like.
 
16-hour road trip? Wow! Good for you doing that for your parents, even if they didn't seem appreciative.
 
My mother is horrible. Won't go into it but it's not hyperbole. It's truth.

First day back on if. Choices suck but I'm stepping back into taking care of myself. No one else will.

Decided that my cat jasmine will go kayaking with me. Saw tiny life preservers yesterday. She loves water. I think it's possible. I can't wait to get to the lake. It's a step up for me in my way of living. Doing good stuff and taking care.

In the past I went to concerts and show multiple times a month. Don't do that anymore but I'm going to a play about Nina Simone Thursday. Very excited. Can't wear what I planned as I've gained back too much weight (which isn't a lot since I was barely fitting into the outfit) but I'll figure it out.
 
Almost made it to bedtime but ate cereal. I'm getting good at morning. Do it tomorrow. At least today I cooked a small meal. It's not feeling impossible again. Wonder if that complete helplessness will ever permanently disappear.

Doubled up on frequency of Peri's meds. Ella has a dental next Tuesday. Hoping I can get peri a dental and ultrasound before we move. Budgetwise I don't think it will be possible.

I'm going to get my condo painted, vents replaced, and thinking of pulling up carpeting completely so buyers can see the concrete damage. It's not as bad as it seems with the carpet.

I have been getting 3-4 hours of sleep. I wake up when I go to bed. So many changes. I also went off in email to the woman training me today. Hope I deal better once moved.
 
Sitting in front of the convenience store choosing not to go in to buy rootbeer and candy. I took out the garbage (heavy bags so I drove) and then proceeded to drive here. Halfway here i was like wth? Where am i going?

This reminds me of stuff I've read about alcoholism. Crazy.

After seeing the house again yesterday I realized I need to downsize even more than I have. So other than books, I've unpacked all my boxes stored at the condo and gone through them. I have two empty boxes. Well actually three but one is full of stuff for my 'estate sale' on November 3. God help me! I'm putting all the stuff I'm taking in the spare bedroom and then I'll stick the cats in there too on the day of the sale. Whatever is left, I'll donate. Have that scheduled for dec 8 but may move it up. I went ahead and paid another month's rent on the storage unit and I'll move everything out of there this coming week and go through all of that too.

I've had soup and cereal today. I guess that is enough. Going home.

This weekend it's unpacking repacking and my great uncle's 99th birthday. I may sleep in tomorrow.
 
Had to do the no money eating plan for the next two weeks. One can of soup. One box macaroni. One bowl cereal. With tuna salad next weekend instead of either soup or pasta. Not the best but mostly stays within macros and fits my budget. A friend is coming through Thursday so may get a hamburger that night. And I cancelled my volunteer stuff because it takes $20 gas to go and come. The pre-lease money was a little more than expected and I need to get a leak under my sink fixed and Ella is having a dental Tuesday. All that makes for no extra. I'll actually be at a deficit.
 
The podiatrist last week wanted to give me cortisone shots. Said that was the only thing that will help. I declined and found a doctor who says he treats the condition with exercise. And he accepts my insurance so going to see him Tuesday. And today I received an email about a program through insurance. I was bored so I enrolled wo understanding what it is. Turns out I have 10 months free weight watchers and they'll give me a fitbit if I attend groups for three months. It's rekindled my motivation. I don't feel totally alone. I won't follow ww's plan but I hugely benefit from the group stuff. Connection wo actually connecting.

My hoa was going charge me a $300 fee for an estate sale so I'm slowly selling small stuff on fb and craigslist. I've got 35 days to get rid of everything. I'm pretty much packed. Condo won't go on market until probably January. Not sure how I'll meet all my bills if this doesn't sell quickly. I'm also getting nervous as my landlords haven't sent me my copy of the lease yet. But I'm sure it's fine.
 
I was away when you posted last & missed the post about the lump on your foot. I have one on top of my left foot. It's from Arthritis & it varies how big it is & how much it hurts. I can't take any anti-inflammatories.
Good news about being eligible for the ww program & a Fitbit. I love mine & must get back into walking more.
All the best with your move xo
 
Went to my first WW meeting. Such a different experience from 15 years ago. Then I felt completely superior to everyone. I didn't feel like I belonged. Tonight I simply soaked in the fun vibes and I totally didn't feel like I knew everything even though most of what was discussed is familiar.

Getting a new tire tomorrow. I hit a curb Saturday night. Also found out not being able to balance on a bike anymore is just another in the long tic Mark's of MS that I meet. May be time to get that looked at. Nothing would change though. Diet. Exercise. Sleep. All would be the same.
 
Lots of activity yesterday. The podiatrist was awesome. First time in three months I had no pain. I wanted $100 on water, coffee, and donuts to take to polls. Lines were gone by the time I got there. I dropped the coffee and donuts at the police precinct. And I got two new tires yesterday. After all that I waved signs at a polling precinct for three hours. Results for my state are disappointing but nationwide was a fantastic day. 100 more women in the Congress. Minorities, millennials, GenZ, gay, transgender, all represented in the wins. That women's march wasn't a moment. It is a movement.

Talked to a painter. Collecting bids for the condo.
 
Quote to paint came in at $4k. I'll get a few other quotes but looks like my eclectic orange, green, blue, and tan are staying on the walls.

Peri has been doing great but today she stopped eating. I gave her fluids. I've lost the bag of needles for the fluid bags. I used a tiny needle from a syringe and didn't get much at all in her but it definitely helped.

Going to the office tomorrow. The woman training me told me my boss was doing everything possible to get an employee of another agency over to take over the program. I called and asked him because that would mean I won't get the promotion. He said none of that is true and my coworker pulls stuff out of her ass. I think he may finally understand the degree to which she is going to undermine and sabotage me. Hoping so anyway. Things will be easier when she's gone.
 
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