Journey to Knowing

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A lawyer finally came in and talked to me. I didn't get answers to one question and had totally forgot to insist bc I got overwhelmed. But might have already found a real estate agent and getting loan application processed Thursday.

Can't believe this is coming to fruition.

F*cked up eating again but I'm getting back slowly. Those root beers man. I gave myself 18 months on the weightloss wager to allow for these adjustments and growth to new patterns. I have 14 months to go. Doable.

Peri is eating less and less. Funny thing is she seems so happy and content. Lots to learn from these tiny wise beings.

Work is getting more demanding.
 
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Fingers & toes crossed for you that you get a place that you like :)
 
Getting back in gear. Adjusting to Peri's illness and what's ahead. Talked with my former psychiatrist last night. She gifted me with some natural remedies to help her and we sat and talked last night. She shared some personal stuff which is way foriegn bc while boundaries have been not normal, they've always been strong about her not sharing personal information. With all other transitions, this relationship change is at least positive. And she said she would be here when the time comes to help Peri transition.

Last night was scary with Peri. She couldn't lift her head or tail. I didn't know what to do. Since my vet was stopping by this morning, I just slept next to her. This morning she ate a full kibble breakfast and was so cheeky. Even being doped up, she dashed everywhere when the vet arrived. Hopefully the antibiotic will help. I don't like using them but sometimes an antibiotic is a life saver.

I took the garbage out this morning and stopped myself going to the convenience store for a rootbeer. Yay me. Small victories. Cooked breakfast as well.

Might have to rent for six to twelve months before buying. I'm okay with that. There's not much up where I want to be but I'll be closer and can get familiar with the longer drive into work. Might be the best route to see if it's worth being so far away from work. I already know it is....but, you know.

I have little left in the fridge that should be eaten. Might try the cabbage soup. It's been a week since I cooked it. Tomorrow I go to the sanctuary for a meeting. 4 hour drive, 2 hour meeting. The 10 new chimps are settling in really well. They're such beautiful creatures.
 
*hugs* re Peri xo
Yay- re the root beer.
Renting where you think you want to live sounds like a good idea to me, just in case the travel is too much.
Have a good weekend CrowFeather :)
 
Long day. Crap eating but I did better. Heel is cramping majorly. I panic sometimes and go to the diagnosis I had thirteen years ago of early onset MS. Trauma therapy ended almost all symptoms and scans never showed anything. But when I have these ongoing issues and my macronutrients are good, I get scared. It was so painful that I didn't go on the tour hike to view the chimps.

Ordered moving boxes and reserved a storage unit. Trying to make my condo look more appealing to buyers. This is a cat wall that they'll need to replace the drywall when it's removed.

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That cost me a pretty penny but with the trio's arthritis they only sleep in the cubes these days.

Figure I can keep just the necessities in here. My father is pissed but then he doesn't think mold has negative effects on immune systems.

Starting IF tomorrow again. Welcomed change.
 
Former psychiatrist stopped by for what I thought was a short visit. 90 minutes later she left. Good visit but that much intense conversation really got me into panic mode. Bought a rootbeer and nachos and discovered mint oreos. Omg. Like the grasshopper cocktail wo alcohol and in cookie form.

Pick up boxes tomorrow as they were too busy today and I couldn't wait. Gotta vacuum or wash things as I pack and then again when I unpack. Found local papers for the mountain towns have more rentals. So feeling more positive.

Peri ate a full meal at lunch! First in weeks.

After feeding the cats I'll was their litter robots and then head to bed. I'm hoping to pick up boxes at 7 in the morning and start packing.
 
Packing! I so love moving. It's the core of my core skills. Been moving since I was two months old lol. There's something about putting stuff in boxes. The potential of new beginnings everything is possible kind of feeling.

Mortgage broker sent approval letter but said I need court papers before final approval. Lawyer said I need bank final approval before court will look at it. Blah! Sent lawyer all my questions.

And I'm trying to stage my rooms. Ha! That's a funny thought. I've no style sense.
 
Fired the mortgage broker at the suggestion of the lawyer. Gonna talk to another one tomorrow.

Working downtown all week and didn't pack food. That's working out well....ha.

Peri ate well for the pet sitter. Grateful.

Waiting for my agent to arrange a viewing of that little home.

Need to cook cabbage soup tonight.
 
I've spent two days in meetings listening to how the world will end next year when I take over a major contract after two coworkers retire. It really beat up my confidence. But finally last night, after 2lbs of chef boyardee raviolis, I got fing pissed at how one coworker is undermining any confidence our customers have in me. Now that I understand what is happening I can handle it. But damn. Why can't people simply be kind?

This more than anything has affected my eating recently. I'm now feeling capable to continue on my weight loss journey. Hiccup over.
 
Stepping on the scale again for the first time in a while. Hoping I finally have a handle on things.

Trying to get things packed. Upped the amount of rent amount. Again hoping....hoping I find a place. I'll have to use the money from the condo sell to meet the monthly but what the hell.

Adjusting to work and Peri's condition.
 
Not as horrible as expected on the scale today. Only 2.5 lbs up from weight since I stopped tracking daily - down a lb from last Sunday - and only 6.1lbs up from my lowest. Considering I've had Ben & Jerry's almost every day plus rootbeer, I'll take it with no sadness.
 
I'll be able to transport just about everything to the storage unit in three loads in my car. Still have about three more loads to pack but I'm good with how this is progressing. I am taking the anti-inflammatory pills that raise my bp because otherwise I wouldn't be able to carry everything down the stairs. I'll have just the bare minimum of my books (because they look good on the bookcase),a few towels, minimum kitchen items, clothes, and furniture. I'll end up hiring movers for the main move to the mountains. I've upped my rent budget by $600. Crazy expensive. I don't know how single parents or lower wage workers do it. There's something seriously wrong in my country. I'm simply grateful I qualify for the higher rent - at least on paper. My profit from the condo will go into reserve to cover my monthly deficit. Maybe I'll win that promotion next year. That'll bring me to a net monthly budget...unless the trustee takes more money.

I'm determined no ben & Jerry's or rootbeer today. I have dinner plans so IF will be off a little.

I'm still a little off kilter with the change of relationship with my former psychiatrist. How do I move from thinking of her as a healer to a friend? Or do I? It's strangely muddled. What I do know is stopping treatment was a good decision. I seem capable of managing life (even with 12 days of settling) and choosing not to delve into the past and choosing not to constantly evaluate my body's reaction to everything has been liberating.

Peri wouldn't eat breakfast but I got her to eat a third of her normal for lunch. I guess I can't really say her normal intake anymore since not eating is her new normal. I gave her fluids yesterday. Didn't ask the vet. I did text her after the fact.

Big thing so far today? I inflated my bike tires.
 
Long absence. Lots of eating. Basically a crash and burn. But I'm still here and starting over.

I have found a cabin in the mountains to rent. I look at it on the 16th. I've got everything set to list my condo. Agent wants us out of here before putting it on the market. I moved a ton of stuff to a storage unit anticipating showing while we still lived here so now I've got to move everything back...and up the stairs. Yay me. Maybe I'll just pay the $50.

I was hoping to get a tiny cabin but the four cats were too many for the owner. I planned to do an estate sale and take only a few things with me.

Peri is still doing well. Today she's not eating much but overall she's better. Xrays showed nothing and I won't have money for the ultrasound for another three months.

Started recording food again. Tomorrow I will start weighing again. I bought fresh food to cook last night. It's been weeks since I cooked. I'll get there.
 
264 this morning. Slowly stepping back into control. I cooked pasta yesterday for lunch. Hoping to do pancakes in the morning. Slowly eating a pizza. Not the best choice but not the worse.

I've decided to use a scythe to cut the quarter acre front lawn and if I need to cut the other ten acres, I may try doing hay for the deer in the winter next year. Again with a scythe and rake.

I'm glad I'm moving. Had to call the police last week bc the downstairs husband was beating the shit out of the wife. Since it's been screaming and slamming and food cooking that smells like Vienna sausage.

I'm kind of at a lull in this moving stuff. Think I'll pack the books and knick knacks. Also considering not selling my bedroom suite. But I don't want to move that 8' medicine chest again. I don't really want to make decisions until I see the place. My cousin thinks I'm crazy basing a move on a place I've never seen.
 
A scythe to cut ten acres? Wowsers! It sounds like it will be a very good thing to move well away from where you are, not a crazy thing.
 
Figured something out. I went completely shutdown when I tried on a Jean jacket I bought years ago and never thought I would ever be able to fit into it. In fact my arms couldn't fit in the sleeves. But I put it on and my arms fit and the jacket was only about a size too small. That's when i stopped.

I had several and one ongoing experiences of molestation when i was a young child. One of the first I remember clearly the perpetrator telling me I was such a 'little thing." So as I drop pounds, there's a part of me that is in constant high alert - almost to the point of reliving the trauma. When people tell me I am smaller I freak. I think I made the decision as a four year old that I would never be little again. And so here I am.

I hope this move helps. I will be in the middle of the woods. I will have my hammock on the porch. I can hike a mountain from my front door (with bright colors because of hunters). I'll be away. Hoping this is what I need to finish up the healing.
 
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