Jill's diary

well, my weigh in today was 207.6. I wasnt expecting any weight change with eating things I shouldnt have (like my heroin sugar-flour!)

todays a new day....

my BMI did go down to 29% according to the scale.... weird!
 
yesterdays meals:

Breakfast: handful of almonds, glass water

did alot of yard work...

lunch: 3/4 large chicken breast, tossed salad, two servings pasta salad, cup fruit salad

dinner: pasta with parmesan

totals: Totals cals 1185 fat 48 carbs 83 protein 104

(the water retention this am is NOT welcome! )
 
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Breakfast:

smoothie with strawberries, peanut butter, protein powder and a banana....
 
ps. this week I have been back to focusing on nutrition, I am feeling good with proper nutrition, yay!!
 
Proper nutrition is good, Jillzy, it's VERY good. I too enjoy eating the right things. I just plain FEEL better. That being said, it doesn't hurt you to sneak in that ice cream cone every now and then, unless of course you fear you can't stop at just one. If that is the case, stick to the fruits, hon. LOL.

From what I've read, you seem to be doing rather well compared to last week. Now all you have to do is keep this up, chica. I've got faith in you. And you know what, if you slip up...so what?...it's just one day and one feeding. Don't ruin the rest of your day or week by feeling guilty about it. Baby steps honey, baby steps. That's who we deal with this lifestyle change thing. ;)

(((Big Hugs)))
 
oh thank you for noticing! I am feeling better! I sure did have a major mood swing last week... I know that happens when I dont eat right....and get down on myself....

I really think focusing on nutrition seems to be the key for me....

I really have to watch those non nutritious foods like white breads and pasta...and my salt.

I have enjoyed the smoothies with the protein powder, and it does seem to help me round out my meals...

today for lunch:
hamburger with no bun, 1/4 cup green beans, smoothie with banana, strawberry and scoop whey protein powder and lot of water and ice cubes...yummy!

still need these vitamins todayL A, D, K, selenium and calcium

the 40% protein, 30% fat and 30% carbs seems to work as well, and quite easy to track on fitday, I jut wish I had a little portable computer for when I go out!
 
Your food looks delicious. If eating nutritiously is what keeps you happy... then do it! Of course it will also help with you health.
 
too bad a friend invited me over for pizza tonight (she lured me in saying it was steak on the grill but hubby changed the plan)

oh well... I mustve hit 3,000 calories today! ooooooooopsie!
 
LOL! That made me giggle, the seriousness of it all with the healthy eating and then bam, the pizza. Have we not ALL been there a million and one times? All our greatest plans all of a sudden fly right out the window.

I thought what Invariant said about the guilt was really insightful. Guilt tends to be a waisted emotion that doesn't really get you anywhere but down. Not really worth the effort and never seems to stop the binging.

I would think maybe if you allowed yourself to have some flour products without feeling guilty, you might have stopped at 2 slices (which should be around 600 calories if you take off any fattening meats). I dunno..I'll bet the non-flour eaters will have the same exact life span as the flour eaters, so I wouldn't go too too far out of my way to enjoy it sometimes without any guilt. Despite what the therapist says lol. :D
 
I love my friends here!!

ok, doing well so far, but still low on my Vitamins D and K and calcium

I seem to be doing well with iron, which used to be a problem!!

Breakfast smoothie: mixed berries, water, ice cubes, peanut butter, whey powder
perfect 40/30/30 (almost!)

lunch:
tuna on a whole wheat pita, mandarin oranges, 3 cheese sticks almost perfect again!

now just gotta watch my water as I need MORE... especially now that the weather is nicer and i can bring the little daycare guys outside...and play all day out there!
 
ok, ive got an appointment at a local club... they have a 3 months for $99 special going on!
 
Plan for supper:

Tuna on lettuce topped with olive oil, with broccoli

(I have a friend coming over who likes to eat healthy, yay!!
 
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breakfast:
nutrition bar, cup skim milk with 1 tbsp whey powder (needed the protein)

another sunny day!
 
this might be long, folks..

after reading Trevors post about depression and thinking about my own depression, I have to sit and weigh how depression is linked to my food...and alcohol.

I had a bout this weekend that I didnt type about... my son had a lacrosse game... I love to go to see them, but I dont like how they make me FEEL.... the fact that I lost custody of my kids hits home in a big way there... alll the parents who still have custody of their kids... all the parents who know each other... I feel like such an outsider...

I aked my daughter if she could sit with me. but she had plans with friends....

she did bring her friends over to say HI to me, but I was so upset about it... embarrassed, really... ashamed....there I was, sitting alone, feeling sorry for myself...

she said I wasnt my warm and bubbly self like she hoped when introducing her friends to me....

I didnt FEEL like my happy bubbly self, I hated the whole situation... to top it off some mom made a comment to me about my sons college acceptance and how the wonderful school he goes to sure did prepare him... (which I took personally as where he lives and goes to school now is considered elite and supposedly all I could provide was crap).......... I wanted to hit her...I hate hearing how my ex can provide the perfect life, argh!!!

anyways, I got hit with all the depression, cried hard all that night (saturday night)

sunday my daughter text me, and I was still in a depressive state....

I wasnt trying to be mean, but she picked up on my mood and kept asking questions, I kept telling her to leave it alone... until she asked so much, I called her and let it all out, all my sadness, how I wished she had sat with me...

I know I made her feell bad cause she hung up on me and now we have a tenuous relationship again.... I feel like we were getting somewhere and I just let my depression ruin it all....

***tears***

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....

I cant change that my kids dont live with me, I dont want to move out of this neighborhood, I love my house and daycare and have many friends here... I want a relationship with the kids, I just hate when I let my sadness interfere....

and I know when I dont eat right, it affects my moods....

and sometimes I even fake the happiness, hoping it can become real happiness....

looking forward to the visit with the trainer today...exercise should help

keeping up with my nutrition will help

talking too you all helps....

being honest with my kids will help (if I can remember to do it and not attack them!)

ok, this is long enough, I better get ready for my day.

xoxox
 
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Jillzy, I'm not yet a mother, so I can't say that I know how you feel, I honestly don't. I can say however, that I know how hard it is to constantly be in a state of depression and how difficult it is not only for us, but those we love.

You're non-custody of your children impacts you in a way I can't imagine, I'm sure. You gave birth to those beautiful kids and now they can't be with you. I'm sure it hurts, and I'm sure it's difficult, but you know what honey, they're big kids. You taught them well, I'm sure, and no matter what, they'll love you and cherish you for providing and raising them into the wonderful people they've become. No matter what, you're your children's 'mommy', no one else can ever, EVER take your place, just don't forget that.

In the meantime, I can familiarize with the hard-hitting brunt of hidden truths in what people say. Yes, that woman had NO RIGHT to imply that you weren't providing well enough for you kids. She's merely not as good of a person as you if she goes around saying those things to unsuspecting strangers. You and I couldn't imagine saying something like that to someone, so what does that say about us?

You'll pull through this honey. You'll do better. Tomorrow will be a better day. Big hugs too, to help get you through.

((((Big Hugs))))
 
I love those hugs (and need them!!! Im like a big baby!!)

Im so sick of feeling sorry for myself... I really need to find a new focus!

the wonderfully creamy and yummy mac and cheese my neighbor made and brought over didnt help! I did throw in some mixed veggies and now trying to figure out how to balance the protein to all the carbs in the mac and cheese...

little pumpkins are down for their naps down, they are so sweet when they are sleeping!
 
Hey Jill,


If you ever just need someone to chat with, Im just letting you know im here. I know we dont know each other very well but we can relate, even though are situation are different. Sometimes everyone needs a pat on the back.

Trevor
 
Thank you, Trevor ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

I know you have a good heart from reading your posts! Its good we all have each other.
 
well, I cancelled the gym appointment and rescheduled for sunday (possibly) I didnt commit!!! Im worried about the money and if I can afford it....

got my dear daughter here....

happy when she is here....
 
ok, yesterday was an overeating day.... back to the PLAN today...

whats the plan?

whats the plan?

I keep getting off track with the plan!
 
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