It's all about ROUTINE!

morning. Its a gorgeous morning, the sun is shining and the river is still...so I hope to get out cycling in a little while. I have to let my breakfast settle down first though as I have just had a lot of liquid in with a pea protein shake that I made, so next time less liquid!


I need to discover how to eat breakfast. When I first awake I dont feel like eating, but I always do because I don't want my metabolism to slow down and I don't want to get hungry. But I don't know how much I need to eat. And right now I am really rather full.


I Don't know if I should get up, do an ex video/go to the gym on an empty stomach, but that doesn't feel a good idea to me. Im trying to get my metabolism going!


So would it be ok to just have a protein shake? or should I have some scrambled eggs with that protein shake aswell, then wait an hour before I do whatever.


OK PLAN:

UP AT 8

1EGG SCRAMBLED

1 PEA PROTEIN SHAKE WITH WATER/SOYA MILK, SPINACH,CUCUMBER,CELERY,BLUEBERRIES

AFTER AN HOUR,GET ABOUT WITH MY DAY.


it is much better getting up earlier, then you have more daylight hours, and I want to aim to get up at 8, then half 7 etc. it would be great in the summer as I would be able to go out cycling say at 8am when not many people would be about. :0) !




Yesterday I went shopping and had a really good day and got some nice clothes. I am concious of wasting clothes because of my weight going up and down. So i didnt get too many, but got a few tops I could defintley wear by the time i reach 10 stone still ( my first goal ). I tried on swimming costumes which can be a nightmare for me due to no chest, but i found some that I liked in the end. Those double sided mirrors though are the worse, and I could see just how bad my body is! I have no muscle tone whatsoever, and am just very chubby, my stomach and bum are the worse. So I know I have an awfully long way to go but I am sticking at it, I will reach my goal ! It will be hard work. I think that getting muscle will be harder than loosing weight. on a positive note a shirt that I brought before christmas that didn't fit around my middle, now fits. Without drinking milk I have less bloat around my stomach.


everything in my life right now, thought I have a few downs too, is going way better than it has in a long time. I am thinking a lot more positively about m future and what I want to do and how I can achieve things instead of thinking that its all doom and gloom. And I am actually excited to my future now and starting to live life !
 
after writing that this morning i had a stressfull day and ended up eating most of my fridge and cuboards, but its over now so blah.


I was researching courses and just found it so stressful and I haven't goten anywhere.


But tomoro I have the toddler group...so that will get me out.
 
im up later and I shouldnt be.


I have been researching courses. And finially I feel that I am getting somewhere.


I think my action plan is:

do a short course ( about 300-500 pounds, or get text books and read up and go through old biology books. )

then do an online btech(HND) (3500 pounds)

then after that decide if I want to go further onto a degree level.



tomorow I have a gm induction and I am prety scared as I already booked for one 3 x in the last 2 years, but always cancelled as I got too anxious last minuite. But Im trying to tell myself that life is too short. !
 
These Are things I need to put in place:

* Stop drinking wine out of habbit. Only drink it if I actually fancy a glass/half a glass! This would mean I would save money too.


* have more relaxation time at the same time each night at 9.00 - 9.30. STOP and go and relax before bed. This time is important to unwind and then to function better the next day.





Today I have got massive headache argh. I am meant to be getting a carpet for my bathroom...and then I dont know what. Last few days have been good cycling weather so I have been cycling. Did a LOT of baking last night literlly I was baking from half 4 till half 10, but i had to go out for greaseproof paper. I baked lemon cakes,coffee cakes,chocolate cakes, with melted chocolate on top, and cookings with oats,prunes,apple,pine nuts,wholemeal flour,and brown sugar,ginger and cinnamon, although I should have used honey instead. I did really enjoy myself and forget the world and I put on the lighthouse family and lion king dvds. I love baking ! But today I think I am just overly tired, because yesterday I didn't stop once I was on the go allday.
 
Wow Tink, you really are a baker...I'm assuming/hope you are not eating all those goodies by yourself!!

Sorry I've been neglecting your diarly...I've just been swamped with work lately.

Take care and good job on your cycling!

Sarah
 
* have more relaxation time at the same time each night at 9.00 - 9.30. STOP and go and relax before bed. This time is important to unwind and then to function better the next day.
Click to expand...

I read an article that said powering down 30 minutes before bedtime with a nice bath or meditation will help you sleep better.

Sounds great, but will i actually do it? lol
 
sigh. you had to mention wine. i used to have a glass of wine every day after work. now I cant drink it anymore :( mmmmm. wine. I can almost taste it.. argh.
 
hey everyone,


Yes Sarah It is something that I rediscovered this year, I used to enjoy it as a child, its nice to do something fun with food and enjoy it. I wanted to bake something for my grandpa as he isn't well, to keep his energy up. Although he is trying to not eat sugar, so next time I will bake using manuka honey instead. I've been pretty busy with stuff too so havent visited yours either! ( altho i have today! ) Only problem with baking is its expensive so I shouldnt be doing it really!


starlillies - yes its important to do that. I know if i go to bed stressed and het up I cant sleep. i need to just watch some crap on tv or read just to take my mind off eveything!


size32someday - yeh I dont think I can give up on wine yet! A glass of red wine a day is meant to be good for you, and I have read even burns fat, I really dont think red wine prevents weighloss. And is ok if just a glass a day. right now though somedays i can go without, somedays I will have 2 glasses. main thing for me is i need to save money and its expensive.



I had to go for a blood test this morning so got hungry at lunch time which I dont usually and I have eaten way more than i have needed to eat. If i do get hungry I need to eat slowly off a plate and wait half an hour after eating and if I am still hungry after half an hour then eat again. If im not hungry i dont need to eat again.


someone said to me on friday that I have thunderthighs doh. I was my neigbour who is rather weird. he said i must have muscles from cycling, that I have got hunder thighs. He always says stupid things like this...and asks if im happy, if i go out socially yada yada he asks the same questions and personal questions everytime I see him and i need to learn to cope with it. I need to learn to be death to any comments he makes. Also someone on friday said I had lost weight on my face. I hate anyone making any comments on my weight if its going up or down because i just want them to see ME, not my body or what I look like, ME AS A PERSON, MY PERSONALITY! i need to try and not listen to these comments either, or politely say that i dont like people commenting!


Anyway comments people say/things i here I need to be deaf to, not take seriously, think I am ok the way I am, I am headstrong, I can support myself emotionally, I have a strong enough opinion about myself to not listen to the opinion of others if they will trigger me or put me down or are negative, or twisted! I am me, different to them, and only what I think of myself really matters. rant over!!
 
That comment about thunder thighs was kinda rude i think. although typically i think it refers to more muscular build then fat it was still pretty rude thing to say. who the hell says that to someone. maybe a grumpy old man. hopefully you will be able to shrug off the comments. I think that person that said you lost weight in your face was trying to be nice since typically people dont want to look like a puffed marshmellow (IE my face) but I understand where your coming from when you say you really want people to see you and not the weightloss. I know of at least 3 or 4 people on this forum that really dont like comments on their weight loss. so your not alone.
 
Hey Tink,

I agree with size32someday...thunderthighs...I'm not sure how it was meant, but I probably would not have taken this as a compliment...Just brush them off and stay focused on your goals and shorterm objectives (easy for me to say...not so easy to do!). I know I've lost weight in my face (and other parts)...just remember we can't control what others think or say...the only thing we can control is how we react to what they say..the only thing...sucks, but true! Sometimes people just won't do right...and as someone told me one day...God made more horses asses than he did horses! I have several people I could put in the former category!

Have a good weekend and stay focused on the beautiful you!


Sarah
 
thanks for your comments they do really help. size 32 - sometimes I find it hard figuring out why people say things like that! if they are being rude/purposely putting me down or if they just don't think before they speak! anyway as I said this guy( my neighbour) is a bit odd so i will just keep telling myself that! I recognise sometimes when people feel low about themselves they say things to others to try put them down to make them then feel better about themselves, and I know he is low about himself, so I don't also know if he is trying to do this, which he has been doing now with the type of comments he makes since I have lived here for the last 3 years. Anyway I am going to self talk to myself that I am fine when ever he makes such comments.


haha sarah i like that god made more horses asses then he did horses! and yeh your right about all we can do is change how we react but we cant change them or what they say. I will write that down, maybe on the frontside of my door so when i get in and shut my door i can think that.



Im doing ok apart from I had nightmares all night last night so was kind of sleep - panicking, so i feel drained and tired today! i went out for a meal yest as it was my birthday, but the food i didnt enjoy, i wasnt hungry to eat it, and it wasnt special. but we went for a nice walk by a huge lake and there were lots and lots of rabbits! I also started reading a book on sports nutrition which is really interesting. One part said that you need carbs when exercising because otherwise your muscles will be used as energy. I am trying to eat melon just before i go to the gym, so i guess i used this sugar in my blood. I am also starting to do weights, but dont think i lift heavy enough ones! today I dont think I will exercise as I have someone coming to fix my internet and tv to a better package from 10 till 2 hate that i have to wait, and then after that my brother will be coming for the rest of the weekend. hope everyone is having a good weekend! :eek:)


Need to get some positivity in me I think today !
 
i just need to ramble lol to get things out my head.. i dont know if to go in and volenteer today for the toddlers group as I simply dont feel up to it,I dont feel up to going into town and i feel like I need some me time, just want to go out and do my food shop, and get some baking done as its my friends birthday in a couple of days. So the right thing for me to do would be to text and say i cant make it. do I say I am ill? but then i feel guilty for not going in because I didnt make it in last week either as I had a doctors appointment. really hope i dont end up binging over this. panicking a bit over what to do now. they dont actually need me at the group anyhow. so its not like i would be letting anyone down?


yest my brother stayed here and the day before feel like i havent had much time by myself. it was great to see him though.


im struggling with something put cant figure out exactly what.
 
sorry you are having a hard time figuring things out. i feel that way too sometimes. if you feel like you need some me time you should take it. especially if it helps your health.
 
There are days when I feel like just staying in bed with a book and hot cocoa and not bothering with anything. But I find that, when I force myself to get up and so something productive, I always feel like I'm glad I did. So just go on and just do it. Having a productive day burns more calories. We can do this :):)
 
size32 thankyou i didnt go in felt guilty but couldnt get there! It was the right thing to do.


wild at heart - thankyou, as really dont feel like being productive today, although there are things I can research so today will have to be doing that.



I have been feeling really low the last few days like a switch was just flicked in my head. I felt it coming on friday,sat,sun,then mon,tues got worse,weds worse, today I have to start to make things better. I haven't been good and have been reall badly binge eating for the last 3 days which is really dangerous as it can course the stomach to rip in rare cases. AND its not good financially wise as I have spent £40 or more on food each day for 3 days. It is like when i get in the supermarket its uncontrollable and then I need to get home asap to stuff all the food inside me as quickly as I can. But then I dont throw up like i used to , i think i would be too scared to now as i know it can cause heart attacks and I already get heart palpitations anyway. I go around in a pattern i think, i was fine even good for about 5 weeks, then my situation didn't change, but i started to think negatively instead of positively, and the switch got switched. I feel a bit desperate for help for the binging but I dont have anywhere to go with it. I feel out of control completely like I am overtaken by something.


Im not sure if there was a massive trigger to it. I realised I think that I started to go down after my doctors appointment on thursday because even though she was good in some ways, I think I needed some more support, and I had to pull myself together and not cry. but i blocked it out. Also the course I wanted to do, reality hit me that I can't afford to do it, hence I feel like I am staying stuck. and I think I have felt pressure from family too. I think I switched to feeling very low about my life, that I cant go study as no money, I dont feel able to get a job due to low confidence, I cant get a nice flat as Im on benefits, I still rely on my mum and I am 26 !! I feel extremely low and I really need someone to talk to. I dont have any friends I can talk to, i feel very alone and hopeless. This is a complete contrast to how I was feeling a few weeks ago, i was feeling good about the future, but then reality struck.


I need to try and think positively and change my way of thinking. right now things feel overwelming, and dooming. I have written down a lot of stuff, one of them is that I have my health ( apart from the binging. ) and that you only life once, and that I have my whole life ahead of me. I want to be able to switch that switch back. It is interesting though to note that when I feel this way, the force to binge is overwelming and yet when I am ok, the force isn't there.


The doctor has refered me to see a counsellor to help with anxiety and stress to help with heart palpitations. But i need someone right now to talk about my whole situation and to help me with my eating disorder ( binge eating disorder ) . I thought the ED had gone, but its here again.


Why do I turn to food? does it take my mind off everything? it feels like a desperation. It puts me in a bad place, it puts me back and messes things up for me further, maybe thats why i do it, so then i have to get myself out of the mess, instead of focusing on the real problems. when I binge i cant go out, not even for a walk, i cant clean, because im so full often it even affects my breathing, I cant breath properly. What can I do to help myself to not do this destructive and dangerous behaviour? And how can I be nice to myself instead of feeling so angry at myself and wanting to self destruct? All this i have written down but its like it won't sink into my head!! I need to try and change my thought as thats what gets me into this mess.


***EDIT i was brave and rang up and got myself a doctors appointment for monday afternoon which im now stressing about.
 
Just more rambles for today. I know what is behind the depression and I think it has been a variety of triggers. what I need to do is separate how I feel from my weight journey. Because when I get depressed it ruins my weight journey, when it has nothing to do with it. Then I feel worse cuz of weight gain.


I reread the beginning of my journey and I had made a lot of progress but now I have kind of ruined that!

I was doing exercise, I did have motivation, I was loosing weight ( which ive now gained back. )

I was eating very well, making smoothies

I was doing things in steps and looking at the future


what went wrong?

I put too much pressure on weightloss and weighing, which I know I shouldn't have done.

I listened to my mum about doing the course for a lot of money, when I should have listened to myself and done the course for the short amount of money to just get started on something.

I didnt give myself enough relaxation and down time, I was too hard on myself.

I didnt tell people when I felt low and I covered it up and pretended to be happy, when I wasnt, and then I popped.


so what shall I do about it?

1)Dont put pressure on myself about loosing a lot of weight. Focus on routine, healthy eating again. Revert back to my original plan!


2) Take myself out of the competitions


3) Have an overall aim long term weight of 10.5 stone because this is achievable and to maintain


4) post letter to refere me to have some therapy stuff to deal with the issues that lead to binge eating


5) dont be so hard on myself, forgive myself, be imperfect


6) relax and be more laid back, things are ok


7) think I can easily get back to where I was, in week I could be back on track and moving forward.


8) dont think too far ahead, take one day or week at a time,take small steps
 
Tink - I think it's great that you have written all these down. Seeing your thoughts on paper helps you analyze. And it's even better because you have identified tangible next steps. Take things in strides. Don't put too much pressure on yourself about anything - whether it's the course or weight loss or whatever. Always set short-term goals for yourself, goals that are achievable next week, next month....that will motivated you to go on and on and before you know it, tadaahhh, you have achieved your big goal.


Try to get into a more positive headspace. Life is good, you have goals and your weight loss goals will follow xx
 
wild at hear thankyou. yeh I think when I put too much pressure on myself and want things to be done perfectly thats when I have problems. For now I have the goal for tomorow to just simply get some fresh air. I am also writing in a diary each day so I know what my moods are so hopefully I can see a better pattern. Im going to leave this dairy for a bit as Im not going to concentrate on trying to loose any weight because I just end up in a mess if I do that. Im going to try not to look at my weight right now but look at other areas of my life! Thanks for coming by and for your kind words, and thanks to everyone for all your support! I have learnt a lot from this diary, that I need to take things slow, and in small building blocks. Xxx
 
Hey Tink,

Sorry I haven't been around much...it's hard to post on this thing from a smart phone on an extended business trip...especially when the phone is smarter than I am!

Sounds like you've been going t through some tough times...the only advice I can offer is to take things 1 day at a time and do the next right thing...sounds simple, but trust me I now it isn't. Sometimes, the next right thing means going to the grocery store with a list in hand and only buying what you need..not what you want! Sometimes the next right thing means getting a good night's sleep. Sometimes the next right thing means taking a long bubble bath and pampering yourself. The good news is, you get to determine what is your next right thing! So, take some pressure off yourself and do your next right thing...and we'll be here cheering you on and looking forward to your next posts.



Sarah
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top