Lisa - Thank you for stopping by my journal to check on me. It's been a busy week with exams, but I'm finally done! I don't really have good news, but I have some things that I want to say, so read on!
Today.
Today something happened to me. Today I realized I have really gotten no where with my weight loss since the begging of this year. At the beginning of this year, I was at my lowest weight in the longest time I could remember. I weighed 135. I hit 133 once, but I stayed at 135. After a week vacation in Panama City Beach, Florida... I gained some weight back and it's been a struggle ever since.
I'm constantly fighting with myself... TOMORROW will be better, I'm GOING to lose weight again, I WILL count all my calories, I WILL get my body back. But today, I thought to myself about this. I started thinking because of the jeans I was wearing. I got them last year for Christmas. Size 29 waist. How happy I was when I found out that I could fit into a size 29 waist jeans. And today, they didn't fit right. They felt snug, and I wanted to change out of them. I thought to myself, I need to work out a little, drop a few pounds. I need to fit back into these jeans. But then I thought something else...
These jeans are always going to stay the same size, but my body will not. I am not the same size as I was one year ago. Granted, I'm not that much different in size than I was one year ago (I can still button the jeans!) but I realized that when I fit comfortably into those jeans, I was living a lifestyle that wasn't going to work for the rest of my life. There is no way I could count all my calories for the rest of my life, work out 5-6 days a week EVERY week for the rest of my life. In just 4 short months last year, I transformed my body to what I wanted it to be. And now it doesn't look like that anymore.
But what my body is now,
I'm okay with. I like my shape. I have a naturally curvy body. I have D cups. I've got a booty. I've got a medium sized frame. I'm not meant to be tiny, or 135 pounds, or even less than that. I'm meant to be what I am right now, somewhere around 140 pounds.
Today I looked in the mirror at myself. After indulging in pizza and cheesy sticks left over from the night before, I looked at myself. Maybe I was a little bloated, but I still
liked what I saw. Maybe I'm not as toned as I'd like to be but I still
liked what I saw.
Now I'm not saying that I'm happy with the way I look and I'm not going to try anymore to eat healthy or work out. No way will that EVER happen. I will do everything I can to make sure I continue to eat healthy when I can, and work out on a regular basis. The best thing that has come out of this whole journey is my strength. I can run for miles. I can push myself. I feel strong, even if I'm not very strong at all. I've managed to keep almost 15 pounds off for over a year. I've tried new foods, and become more aware of what to eat and how much to eat. So there have been slip ups along the way. So what if I don't eat as great or work out as much as I did last year. Last year, I was obsessed with it. And I'm not obsessed anymore.
I am okay, and I love my body for what it is. Maybe it's not perfect, but do I really want it to be? My body is mine, and it's unique in it's own way. I will do my best from here on out to keep it healthy and strong. If I lose a few pounds along the way, great. But where I'm at right now is where my body feels most comfortable. No more goal setting. No more counting. I am 20 years old and this is my life. I won't spend it being jealous anymore, I won't spend it picking at myself anymore, I will cherish me for me, and that's more than enough!
<3 Thank you to all the people who have supported me and been there for me through everything so far. I'm not saying goodbye just yet. I will be around, but not very often. 23 days til Hawaii and my Christmas break just started today... I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. Here's to good health for the new year!
