I Will Not Fail Again! -Marshmallow's Diary

Marshmallow1

Marshmallow1

New member
Hello, internetz. -bows-
This is Marshmallow, and this is my diary. On the internetz. Heehee.
Err... anyway.

So I suppose this is my first entry~! :3

Well, I shouldn't be so happy about this, because I'm jut putting out a warning now- I'm a sixteen year old fat chick, so yes, this WILL get angsty.

Prepare for t3h ANGST!!!!111oneshift!!1

I've been fat my whole life. Well, for a time my young metabolism worked in my favor, but when I hit seven or eight and my boobs began to blossom in their womanly glory, my metabolism wasn't enough. My habit of eating when I was upset or bored caught up to me. I was, and still can be, a fat emo kid. Oh, the joy of it all... -_-
I was always, always chubby. Always a good thirty pounds overweight, but that didn't bug me.
Until I hit sixth grade, and I began to notice things. I was the biggest girl in class. I hated clothes shopping, because I always had to reach for the back of the rack. I always ate more than my thin, pretty friends. Subtle jabs from my classmates. 'Cause Catholic schools churn out the best, huh? -rolls eyes-
I weight 160 pounds in the sixth grade. Then I got the first inklings of a depression that still effects me now, and I jumped thirty. pounds. I weighed 193 pounds in the eighth grade. I remember when the nurse gave us our physicals, she made the other kids leave the room. Y'know, 'cause it wasn't obvious enough I was fatter than everyone else in my class.
Ninth grade, I went up to 208. That was my highest weight.
I hovered around that weight until the beginning of tenth grade, and I slowly worked on my weight.
From September to December, I lost twenty pounds.
But then I got lost again, as my every Friday or Saturday "Screwit" days became weekly, then for two months now. And I gave in to every craving and urge I had, because I had lost the will and self-respect to care, even though every night I'd want to die because I knew I had failed. I've gained back fifteen pounds of what I had worked so hard to achieve.

I'm tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of not loving myself enough to be in a romantic relationship- I've never even held hands with a guy before. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing what COULD be there. I'm tired of reaching to the back of the clothing racks. I'm sick of muffin tops. I'm tired of the clothes getting tighter, of my UGG boots being too tight around my shins, of being humiliated in the gym class populated by jocks and cheerleaders. I'm tired of feeling like my outside doesn't reflect who I am. I'm tired of the body-hate. I'm tired of being another teenage obesity statistic. I'm tired of almost not fitting into amusement park rides. I'm tired to not wanting to talk about food with people, because of what they might think.

God dammit, I'm sick of being just another fat chick!

I'm so weary of failing. I want to change. I hate the way food has power over me. It's not a facking dictator, it's a mass of sugars, lipids, proteins, and nutrients.

I don't want to fail again.
I just want to feel like a pretty girl, not a plain-Jane geek.
 
It's nine-forty five here, and my computer is slowly dying, so if i make a typo, I will fix it later when I have time.

I didn't get up for school this morning because first blok is gym, a fat girl's worst nightmare. I've been doing my best, but I prefer not to be humiliated in front of a class populated by cheerleaders and jocks. Not fun.

Which leads me to hating school. I really hate biology and math, because I have absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. It feels like busy work to me. Give me a year of drawing, history, Spanish, English, and guitar. I'd so roll with that, and go to school everyday. I also hate waking up at six in the facking morning, but, I doubt the administration cares.

I also hate how the ONLY healthy stuff my school sells is salad, and wheat subs. But they only have normal ranch, and other crappy stuff. It's so annoying. Not even the pasta is whole wheat. Healthy meals, my butt!

Anyway, I woke up around eight. I rolled outta bed, and had a bowl of Kix and a piece of wheat bread with peanut butter. Om nom. So now I don't have lunch until twelve thirty, which is bullshit, but... eh. Whatever.


I'm missing guitar right now, dammit. I love that class. >:

Well, once I get ahold of my brother's charger for my old lappie, I'll post again about my day.
 
UGGGHHH
I'm on my dad's lappie now, seeing as mine is dead.
I didn't go to school today. I think I have SAD, or seasonal affective disorder. I looked up the symptoms and I have a good 85% of them, if not more. :/
Lucky me! Another mental illness to add to my list! /sarcasm
But today hasn't been a good day. Not at all. I did something terrible, for the first time in almost a year. Good job, Marshmallow. Good job. -___-
Annnywho, because of my emo disorders, I caved and ate a candybar. It was a chocolate thing with almonds in it, which I suppose softens the blow because almonds are good and what not.
I also ate some grapes. I'm hungry again, so I might just eat some pineapple.

I'm trying to not let this become another "Fuckit" day. ): I've had so many of those, and I blame SAD. >_<; STUPID MENTAL ILLNESSES!
LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMMIT!
 
you seem sooo amazing!
i absolutely love your personality^^
ahhh and someone who hates twilight!?
i never thought i would meet someone like that!!!

i have a question for you...
what are you doing to achieve your goals???

also... dont feel bad about the chocolate bar...
life isnt meant to be perfect... and this is not
a diet! its a lifestyle change. you want to be
healthy throughout life... and slim people
eat chocolate... soo why shouldnt you???
just dont go overboard... you can eat anything
you want as long as its in moderation =D

looking forward to getting to know you better^^
 
Aw, why thank you!
And yes, I do have a healthy loathing for Twilight. You should join twilightsucks.com if you're interested in meeting other anti-Twilighters. :3
 
-INSERT EPIC HEADDESK HERE-

UUUUUGGHHHH.

I did terrible, terrible, terrible today! TERRIBLE.

I must've eaten an excess of like, three thousand calories today. Thank gods for my teenage metabolism, or else I'd have gained 242234 pounds by now.
I'm eating out of boredom like mad, and the worst part is, it wouldn't be so bad if I had interesting foods to eat. It's so incredibly frustrated, having the same foods around all the time, and me being bored 1324% of the time. -___- Maybe I need a new hobby. I'd go run, but there's a snowball's chance in hell of me braving the twenty degree temp for the sake of running. Not today, dammit.

I think a lot of my problem as well is that I've been recently diagnosed with SAD, or seasonal affective disorder. One of the symptoms is craving carbs and sugars, which has been a problem of mine ever since fall rolled around. Add the rest of the "ugghhh I feel like shit" symptoms, and BAM!! there's me, gorging myself.
-headdesk-

I really need to work on this. >: I know I can change; I lost 25 pounds before this... but now I am gaining it all back! :banghead:

I need a better sense of what's going on around me, and more willpower, for sure. I wish mum would stop buying gross, calorie-heavy food, but that's how it's always been. At least she buys fruit more now... :/

I think I am going to meditate on this tomorrow. I am too tired tonight to do so. -sigh- Goddess, help me. Maybe a quick spell or something, but, I want to do this on my own. :/

I gotta get to sleep/study for a history test. It's ten o'clock, and the alarm goes off at six.

I'm out. Adios.

:leaving:

OH, WAIT.

A rant.

About Chinese buffets.

I THINK... that China has a super duper secret plan to destroy us. With food. See, they cook all their food in artery-clogging oils and sauces, thus making us all die of heart attacks. Even bastards. (Kidding, I love China.) But seriously, guys. ALL. THE. FOOD. WILL. MAKE. YOU. GET. DEAD.
Except the white rice. White rice is okay. And delicious.

We should have more sushi/Japanese places in America. Their foods are relatively healthy, and you can (almost) never go wrong with a nice plate of sushi! :) Go Japan and your good food. But Pocky doesn't count. Have you ever read the label on the stuff?! It's crazy!


I have a goal. My uncle is getting married in LA this summer, and I DO NOT want to be the biggest girl there.
The worst part? His fiancee is Vietnamese, and we all know how skinny and tiny Asians tend to be.
She's a sweet girl, but my gods, she's so tiny! Dx Darn you, Asian people. You and your... skinny ways. >_>

I also so don't want any more backrolls. When men say they love curves, they don't mean rolls on yer back. D: Some things no one should have, and like nipple piercings, backfat is one of those things.

Oh, and now that I am in a ranty mood, NO MORE MUFFIN TOPS.
For the love of God, please. D:

Errr... if you've read all this, have an e-cookie! I'm kinda in a ranty mood now, so I apologize for wasting so much time. xD But now I must take my leave.

Sleep awaits me~!

:leaving:
 
Hey there! I've really enjoyed reading your posts. Like Angelica said, you've got an awesome personality.

Just a few thoughts I had reading...

I struggled so bad with my weight when I was your age and everything you've said is EXACTLY what I would have said my angsty little pissed off with the world kinda way...hehe. We've also got really similar tastes in school stuff which is cool.

At least on one day you stayed home from school for the entire day (reason being you didn't want to kick it off with gym). My advice is to go to school. If you wag the classes you hate, so be it, but always make an effort to go to the ones you enjoy. You'll feel better for being able to speak more spanish, or play more guitar. But I can guarantee that if you sit at home you'll end up eating LOADS more than you would have if you'd gone to school! SAD can be exacerbated by staying at home all of the time. You get used to the colours, used to the smells, patterns - there's nothing new to stimulate your mind so you become more depressed and turn for the chockies!

Haha...i'm totally with you on the no chance in hell of running in the cold! Maybe buy an exercise video you can do at home instead? There's loads to choose from - pilates for toning, aerobix, taebox, even belly dancing (haha) to burn those calories. That way you don't have to be embarrassed trying to run or do push ups infront of all the "skinny" people.

Then when you've lost the weight you can go back to gym and give a big up yours to all the people who ever laughed at you...hehe

One more piece of advice - try and set some calorie goals for the day. If you have a defecit of 500 cals every day you'll lose a pound a week. If you add some good exercise on top of that you'll lose even more. I keep a food journal and write down EVERYTHING I eat (which can be SO embarrassing to look back at...I really at THAT much!?). By doing that you can work out your dangerous times of day and start to find things keep yourself busy during those times so that you're less likely to head for the chocolate.

Well...i'll shut up now...I don't want you feel like i'm your mum nagging you! hahaha

Good luck, i'm sure you'll kick arse :)
 
Thank you. :3
For the SAD, my dad is telling me to take walks after school. That I can do, I just hate the feeling of breathing hard in the cold, and it hurts. I'll take my dog for a walk, maybe.
 
Okay, first post of the day!
I woke up at 6:20, hopped in the shower, and I have a couple extra minutes before I gotta head to my bus stop.

So today, so far, I've had a bowl of rice chex with skim milk (it's the only kind my mum buys) and a heeeuuuggge glass of water. I love water... but our tap tastes weird to me. I'm trying to convince my mom to get us a water filter, because it tastes... metaly?? I dunno, but it tastes wrong to me. Like how I ate some grapes the other day, and I could taste the pesticide residue on 'em. D: It was so nasty!

I'm reading 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King. It's awesome. I'm just getting to the creepy parts, but my mum's said it's going to get crazy terrifying. And somehow, I'm excited. xD I'll probably be done with it by the end of the week, then I am going to read The Lord of The Rings. :p I'm reading a lot of classics lately, because most YA books are either badly written, or just no good. I will say, though, Libba Bray is a great YA author. Her Gemma Doyle Trilogy was probably in the top five best books ever.

Sorry, that's totally off topic... .___. It's how my mind works in the AM. I also have to start a science experiment today with tofu. Word of the wise here, tofu is really nasty. Tofurky is even worse. It's nasty. I tried to be vegan in September, but all the food I ate was so gross. D:

I gotta jet, but I'll update when I get home.
 
Hello~
I got home from school ten minutes ago, so I see it fit to post again.

School was school. My very pregnant and vicious homeroom teacher was being all, "GRR", but drawing was fantastic, as was history.

LONFor lunch I had a wheat pita with provolone cheese, tomato, lettuce, and olives. I also had some carrots and cucumber, a cookie, and chocolate milk.

And now, I am enjoying a delish macintosh apple.

Life is good.

I have a hair appointment later, so it looks like my homework won't be done for a while. :/ Crap, and I have so much to do...!
 
Heya!

Ugh, I know how you feel. Reading your posts about gym class, I was reminded of myself two years ago. My fear of gym class is actually one of the reasons why I didn't graduate high school. I was terrified of having to wear shorts and run around with all the skinny popular girls going, "Omg, watch her run. Its hilarious."

I still have a chance to go back to finish it, but I'm going to lose some weight before I do that.

Anyway, as said before, you have a stellar personality, so you can be sure that I'm gonna be here, reading the updates and rootin' for you!
 
Aww, I'm getting so much positive feedback... :,D -is happy-
Thank you so much, everyone, for your wonderful comments. They're keeping me very optimistic and want me to keep going. ^^

------

Okay, so, after my hair appointment my mom bought some candy bars to benefit a local charity. And there it was, a glorious rectangle of sweet, sweet goodness... a chocolate peanut butter bar. My absolute favorite kind of candy. Ever. .___.

And yes, I did eat eat. But I didn't completely screw up today! =D

So then, later, when we're closer to my house, my mom pulls out muffins she bought at Eatin' Park. And oh dear gods, did I want a muffin. I was hungry, too, so it was bad.
I held the clear plastic container on my lap, looking at those perfect, fluffy... things of wonderment.

And you know what I did?

I put the container back of the floor under my mom's purse and decided I would have it tomorrow morning. HOOYEAH! :hurray:

And yeah, muffins aren't exactly the breakfast of champions, but, dammit, I want a muffin! It's just one muffin, and I'll eat it around six thirty, and lunch is at twelve-thirty. Eh, it's worth it. Most mornings, I eat normal cereal and fruit. One day, man. Worth the muffin. =_=

Maybe I'll just eat half of one? I shall look up the calories; it's about 250 for a blueberry, and 300 for a strawberry. Hm... maybe just half, or eating it and taking a small snack (like an apple) to eat at the end of guitar (my teacher is a freaking hippie, he's so awesome haha. He lets us do whatever at the end of class).

Anyway, when I got home I ate some pinapple and some grapes. My mum is making spaghetti, so I munched a little on some sauce, so I probably won't eat any with my spaghetti. I'll just have some plain. I like spaghetti, so it's cool. :)

Now, off to post more here and then read 'Salem's Lot. It's starting to get scary.

:party:



By the way, this emote amuses me: :willy_nilly: :willy_nilly: :willy_nilly:
 
Hum hum hum.

Let's seee, I took a shower and read and did some homeowrk.

I ate some spaghetti, a salad with peppers and no dressing.

Then I had a piece of wheat bread, a tbsp of peanut butter, and a mushed-up banana. It was yummy. :3

Other than that, not much to update on.
 
I'm about to crash.
But I wanted to make one last entry. :)

I ate some crackers, 'cause I cannot sleep on an empty stomach.

For tomorrow, I will probably eat my muffin tomorrow morning, along with some cereal.

To compensate, I will eat an apple, milk, and sunchips for lunch. Now, before you guys jump on me saying how bad that is, let me defend my decision.

I eat breakfast around 6:40. I don't have lunch until 12:30. After that is my last block, which goes until 2:25, then I get home around 3:00. I always eat a small meal after school anyway (fruit, yogurt, maybe something else small), so it evens out by the time dinner rolls around, and that's when the real temptation rears it's ugly head, especially since my family eats out a lot.

Okay. -smiles- I have a plan for tomorrow, and I think I did well today.

I feel really good. -smiles- Really good-- plus, my new haircut is SUPAHCUTE. I have the amazing ability of wash-n-go. ;)
 
I think the food choice for tomorrow sounds really good. Sunchips are better than fried chips, so I wouldn't be worried. =P

Enjoy your muffin tomorrow! xD
 
Yes.
The muffin was absolutely... divine.

It was all fluffy, and the crumbs stuck to my fingers. x3

Annnywho.

So, I ate my muffin for breakfast, then I had sunchips, an orange, and chocolate milk at lunch.

Now I am eating a piece of bread with peanut butter and an apple.
 
Blerp.

Hmmm, I had my good and bad points today...

Well, after my last post, I didn't eat until I got really hungry, then I ate some spaghetti (a serving), a yellow pepper, and a banana. Oh, and a weight watchers bar-thingy. It was chocolaty and delicious. The great thing about those is that they're really chewy, so you have to take your time eating them our else your teeth will be ripped out. xD

Then, my mom informs me we were eating pizza for dinner. Awesome.

I asked her to order me a turkey sub, so I ate a six-inch half, only to discover on my near-last bite that there was mayonnaise in it. :svengo: I also had a little bit of a calzone, but not a lot.

It was an okay day for me. I managed to not let myself give in to temptation the moment I screwed up, and I also managed to not eat pizza and more calzone or more of my sub, as much as I wanted to.

My mom is starting weight watchers, so her and I are going to do this together. My mom has tried to lose weight for a long time. She was never thin, and she just let go after she had her three kids. I think my mom is beautiful, and I wish she'd see it, too.
Her and I fight a lot, but that's because she and I are both really, really stubborn. But she's a wonderful person, she's so strong too. I wish she could love herself. She's always, always putting herself down. It makes me so sad. We need to take the steps to better ourselves. I have an advantage, because I am so young. She's had three kids and is moving into menopause. I want to hep her do this, because I know she's tired of failing, too...

Anyway, I was on the bus today after school, and the bus was shaking. The bus was old and whatnot, so it was bad.

And I felt my side fat jiggling. :eek:

It was... horrifying. D: Utterly horrifying.

Well, it's eight-thirty and I am tired... goodnight, if you're reading this, and good luck to myself for tomorrow.


:party:

have you noticed only the smiley on the front right changes color?
 
wash-n-go!!!??? *_* i wish my hair was that nice... -____-" if only...
ive heard great things about weight watchers... but im a simple calories girl. =P
my mom is also overweight... and she started losing weight with me....
but isnt willing to exercise and sooo she stopped losing weight as quickly as me...
and is pretty much back to her old ways... but a slightly healthier outlook =T
i try to give her good things to eat... like my spinach parmesan ham and yogurt (instead of ranch) wrap...
but she took a bite and made a face and that was the end of that D:

unfortunately you cant make someone change... they have to make the choice...
 
Its great that you and your mom can work together on this. Its so much better when you have a buddy to share your struggle.

In the seventh grade, my mom tried to get me to join her in losing weight (I was 130 pounds, 5'2, and could squeeze into a size 5, but a comfy 6), but I got bored after a week of workout videos. I always felt bad about dropping out, because when my mom was through, everyone always complimented her on how great she looked. I wish I had stuck with it, but I think part of it was that I was working with my mom at a time when we weren't getting along, and that is why it didn't work. Are you close with your mom?
 
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