I Just Wanna Cry

J

JaniceB

New member
I've been here before. I've even joined other weight loss forums before and given this big speech about being here before. And yet here I am AGAIN. I'm just so freaking mad at myself. I feel so ashamed. I'm lost. I really don't know where to start.

I'm thirty years old and I feel like a giant fat failure for all of these years. I was 100 lbs at 5, 200 at 10. I hit 300 around 22. I dropped from 325 to 270. I went back and forth between 270 and 300 for years then around 28-29 I broke 300 again. I had to buy a new scale 6 months ago. And this one stops at 330. IT says "E" whenever I step on it. I feel completely out of control. I feel just so physically heavy. I was out of work for 4 months and it's like my entire body atrophied. I went from not moving at all (I'm a bit of a hermit, despite living in NYC) to having to run up and down subway steps and I have a unique commute where I'm suddenly walking 45-50 min a day (divided between morning and night). But I HURT. I'm exhausted. I'm not gasping for breath but I do struggle a bit. I've got shin splints. I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm 30 years old. I can't keep up with my friends. As I am walking to the subway all these people pass me and I feel so ashamed. I live with a 4th floor walk up and the stairs hurt my knees. So I avoid going out. I have bad ankles and chronic ankle sprains (Im finally going to see a doc b/c I think I need surgery). I'm 30 years old and I feel like I'm 70. I feel crippled and in pain.

I want to cry as I walk to the subway. I want to cry when after my exhausting 9-10 hr day at work the idea of walking to the train (it's a 10 min walk to the train from work, then 10 min in a tunnel connecting my transfers, then 10 min from the train to home.) and doing all those stairs makes me want to cry! I'm scared. I'm in good health otherwise (fine bp, no diabetes, low cholesterol, etc) but I am finding that I am growing more and more crippled with my obesity. It's not about pretty clothes anymore, it's about being able to MOVE.

I can't really talk to my friends about this - they are all slim and way more active than me. Ditto my family. I feel like I am rotting inside this 300+ pile of blubber. It's so isolating. It's so lonely. It reminds me of being a fat kid and feeling so alone. Not riding my bike, not playing sports, not being NORMAL.

I know what I have to do to lose this weight. I know the science and the physics. But what do I do when it hurts to move? When I feel so drained from so little activity? Part of me has already given up. I lie on my couch and imagine myself one of those 800 lb women who just finally lets the obesity take over. There is a sense of freedom in giving up. In giving up on the life you want and stopping the struggle. I find that I am moving closer and closer to that. I don't want to. I have so much to life for. FOr someone with social anxiety, it sometimes seems even a good life at times. I hate walkign down the street feeling like I"m being judged. I hate being breathless and embarrassed from doing the most simple things. I'm just slowly encasing myself in more fat to insulate me from the world. I've never told anyone this. These are all the scary and shameful thoughts I hide deep inside.

Writing this - I'm thinking that I probably do need therapy. But in the meantime, I"m just so tired and sore all the time. I really need people in my life who have been where I am or still are. I guess that's why I"m writing on this forum tonight. I know I have the power to deal with this shit and the power to take control back of my life (in every other aspect of my life I am successful and quite strong and happy). I just really need people to talk to who understand.

So yeah. Hope that wasn't too heavy. No pun intended :)

How do i start when I'm so sore and tired? i think once i can somehow get some more energy and at least get to the point where I'm not in PAIN I can feel more positive. Right now it just feels hopeless. I'm like wow. I can't even move or breathe. How am i supposed to be able to lose weight?
 
Hi Janice :). I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles. I also take your same exact commute and also live on the 4th fl, so know where you're coming from to a small extent. As far as getting started when its hard to move, perhaps your focus should be more on figuring out what you're eating and work that so that you will lose weight first. Its not like you're not exercising if you're going to and from work 5 days a week. Especially with all those stairs in the train. I think you're doing a good job in even being able to deal with that and you should be proud. And that's from someone that does that commute and knows how hard it is -- I had gained 70 lbs when pregnant and every step was totally exhausting..but even now its a workout for sure.

Anyway, focus should be on nutrition. Any chance you could list an average day's meals/snacks so we can help you figure out where to get started?

Best of luck to you and please DONT GIVE UP!
 
Hi.

Every day is a new day. Every new attempt is another chance to get it right. Don't beat yourself up about the past

Personally, I think the walking and stair-climbing you have to do on a daily basis will end up being a good thing. I understand that it hurts right now. But you will get stronger. It will get better.

Yes, see a doctor about your ankles.

The main change you are going to have to make is with food. Obviously food is the main issue here (and clearly it started with your parents, given your size growing up - they are the ones who fed you). You need to start by looking at what you eat, then deciding how to change that. I can't say much more than that until I know more about you.

Look around on these boards. Read what other people are doing and saying. You may find other people's journeys helpful.

Pretty much everyone here understands your situation, to some degree. You won't suffer form a lack of understanding or support around here, as long as you make honest and serious attempts to improve your situation.

I hope this was helpful. Feel free to ask for help or advice anytime.
 
thanks :/

Well the thing is that doing it 5 days a week hasn't really happened yet. I've taken cabs home a few times because I'm just so beat. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. Going from sedentary to all that moving is rough. It's just scaring me because it hurts. I don't know if it's a good hurt or a bad hurt. Does that make sense?

In the coming days I guess I'll write what I'm eating down on here. Right now it's like the pain and discomfort of all that activity is making my anxiety flare. There's a little voice in my head that says, "you are WAY too young to feel this way. This is pathetic! Just go home!" I guess maybe I just need to allow myself more time to get to work in the morning and step to the side and take a breath and calm myself down when I need it.

I just wish I really knew that it was going to stop hurting and feel better. Having trouble staying positive when I just feel so pathetic.
 
Its a nasty circle, the worse you feel the more shit you eat and less you do, so you feel worse.
Start by cutting calories. Not tons, dont deny yourself your fav foods either. It starts a new circle. You loose, you get motivated and try harder, you loose more.
Keep up the hard work with exercise. Be aware that it can take up to 2-3 weeks for any results of what you are doing to show! dont stop yet!
 
Don't give up.. the only way out of feeling bad is to take control! You can do it :) Slowly, slowly, slowly.. it doesn't have to be overnight!

Food is definately the way to start.. don't try to stave yourself! Use an online BMR calculator (or several as I have found they vary so try a few and average the results!) to work out what you should be eating for your size/age and levels of activity, and the stay 500 cals below that per pound you want to lose a week ...

Just google BMR Calculator

I know you are scared, scared for your health if you don't change, and scared of letting go of your comfort eating and habits, and probably scared of change and the unknown....but at some stage we have to let go of the negative feelings that we deliberately put up to sabotage ourselves.. and just get on with it :) Take the leap of faith.. for yourself!

If you are really not able to deal with this yourself, then I think a Therapist might be the way to go to address some of your anxieties and concerns.

I wish you all the very best anyway :)

one step at a time!
 
JaniceB said:
I just wish I really knew that it was going to stop hurting and feel better. Having trouble staying positive when I just feel so pathetic.
Click to expand...

It sounds like things are going to continue hurting, and feeling worse, until you start losing some weight. Obviously the excess weight is very hard on the body in ways we can't even imagine. Use this to motivate yourself rather than giving up because of it.

Use our knowledge of weight loss to help you. How about you make it your goal today to replace two unhealthy snacks you would have normally had with some fruit?

Not to be a nag or anything, but NOWS really the time Janice..
 
hey janice,
welcome to the forum, everyone on here is very friendly and no one judges because we're all pretty much in the same boat. there's lots of useful info on where to begin with exercise/nutrition in the stickies. if you don't want to join a gym maybe you could buy some beginner workout videos to do in the comfort of your home for starters? i think also as some have mentioned getting a check up might be worth it to be sure everythings okay.

i kinda know where your coming from because when i bought my weighing scale i was 350pounds (which means i weighed higher before) and i'm only 5feet! i've given it my all these past few months (started on feb 1st), and after a whole series of starting and messing it up and so on, the last few weeks i've gotten to a place where i'm happy with what i'm eating/exercising and i'm now at 325 and hoping to keep on going till i reach my goal weight.

the hermit story is a common one here, the last two years i feel i've wasted completely, i never left the house except for work or school and straight home and that was just because i had to, when on holidays i'd stay indoors all day, i started online shopping yet there was a store 2 mins from my house but it involved climbing lots of steps that i didn't want to do. i'd break out in to a sweat and huff and puff after just 2mins or so of walking on flat ground! i had an evening shift job last winter which would end around 8pm and we needed to walk to the bus stop within 5mins to catch the bus else we'd have to wait a half hour in the blithering cold for the next bus. now the 5min walk to the bus stop was on a very very steep hill, the thin people would walk up that hill almost in seconds...it would take me about 10mins....needless to say i missed that bus a whole lot and froze my a$$ off having to wait for the next one on many cold nights. by the time i'd get to the top i'd be sweating, out of breath and HATED myself for it. i've just been down right depressed the last 2 yrs especially and early this year decided to do something about it.

in your case i think the fact that your job involves a commute where you have to walk quite a bit means that your off to a good start in terms of activity levels, so for now i think watching what you eat is key...i think everyones pretty much mentioned that as well. and if you can couple that with some form of exercise like workout videos or something your comfortable with.

i joined a gym, i'm by far the fattest person there, actually to say i'm the only morbidly obese person there would be just about accurate....but you know what? i don't care, because i'm doing it for me and making my life better. i was scared as hell the first few days but just kept going back, and now i've never regretted the decision. if you'd rather not join a gym that's perfectly fine, there's other options too.

i really hope you stick around and get to read peoples stories and see that we're all here to support each other and all on the same journey to get our lives back. is it easy? no.....but is it worth it? HELL YES!

wishing you all the best xoxo

JaniceB said:
I've been here before. I've even joined other weight loss forums before and given this big speech about being here before. And yet here I am AGAIN. I'm just so freaking mad at myself. I feel so ashamed. I'm lost. I really don't know where to start.

I'm thirty years old and I feel like a giant fat failure for all of these years. I was 100 lbs at 5, 200 at 10. I hit 300 around 22. I dropped from 325 to 270. I went back and forth between 270 and 300 for years then around 28-29 I broke 300 again. I had to buy a new scale 6 months ago. And this one stops at 330. IT says "E" whenever I step on it. I feel completely out of control. I feel just so physically heavy. I was out of work for 4 months and it's like my entire body atrophied. I went from not moving at all (I'm a bit of a hermit, despite living in NYC) to having to run up and down subway steps and I have a unique commute where I'm suddenly walking 45-50 min a day (divided between morning and night). But I HURT. I'm exhausted. I'm not gasping for breath but I do struggle a bit. I've got shin splints. I feel so ashamed of myself. I'm 30 years old. I can't keep up with my friends. As I am walking to the subway all these people pass me and I feel so ashamed. I live with a 4th floor walk up and the stairs hurt my knees. So I avoid going out. I have bad ankles and chronic ankle sprains (Im finally going to see a doc b/c I think I need surgery). I'm 30 years old and I feel like I'm 70. I feel crippled and in pain.

I want to cry as I walk to the subway. I want to cry when after my exhausting 9-10 hr day at work the idea of walking to the train (it's a 10 min walk to the train from work, then 10 min in a tunnel connecting my transfers, then 10 min from the train to home.) and doing all those stairs makes me want to cry! I'm scared. I'm in good health otherwise (fine bp, no diabetes, low cholesterol, etc) but I am finding that I am growing more and more crippled with my obesity. It's not about pretty clothes anymore, it's about being able to MOVE.

I can't really talk to my friends about this - they are all slim and way more active than me. Ditto my family. I feel like I am rotting inside this 300+ pile of blubber. It's so isolating. It's so lonely. It reminds me of being a fat kid and feeling so alone. Not riding my bike, not playing sports, not being NORMAL.

I know what I have to do to lose this weight. I know the science and the physics. But what do I do when it hurts to move? When I feel so drained from so little activity? Part of me has already given up. I lie on my couch and imagine myself one of those 800 lb women who just finally lets the obesity take over. There is a sense of freedom in giving up. In giving up on the life you want and stopping the struggle. I find that I am moving closer and closer to that. I don't want to. I have so much to life for. FOr someone with social anxiety, it sometimes seems even a good life at times. I hate walkign down the street feeling like I"m being judged. I hate being breathless and embarrassed from doing the most simple things. I'm just slowly encasing myself in more fat to insulate me from the world. I've never told anyone this. These are all the scary and shameful thoughts I hide deep inside.

Writing this - I'm thinking that I probably do need therapy. But in the meantime, I"m just so tired and sore all the time. I really need people in my life who have been where I am or still are. I guess that's why I"m writing on this forum tonight. I know I have the power to deal with this shit and the power to take control back of my life (in every other aspect of my life I am successful and quite strong and happy). I just really need people to talk to who understand.

So yeah. Hope that wasn't too heavy. No pun intended :)

How do i start when I'm so sore and tired? i think once i can somehow get some more energy and at least get to the point where I'm not in PAIN I can feel more positive. Right now it just feels hopeless. I'm like wow. I can't even move or breathe. How am i supposed to be able to lose weight?
Click to expand...
 
But how do I make it not hurt? lol That's sort of my main question. Should I get better shoes? Allow myself to walk more slowly? Drink more water? Pop a tylenol in the morning?

Thanks for your kind words, guys. I don't need to join a gym or anything like that because I own a treadmill. It's big, expensive, effective, and sits two feet away from my bed gathering dust lol I also own some yoga videos. I think this commute is going to be all the exercise I get for awhile. I work really long hours at a job where I don't get a lunch break (I mean legally I do but in the nature of my business, we just don't take them, we're too busy.) So I walk in the door at 9:30 and don't leave my desk until 9 or 10 hrs later. But I"ll try to walk around the floor a couple times or something.

I'm actually not a snacker. Not until around my period anyway. I usually eat a bagel in the morning at work (they provide us our meals) then at lunchtime it varies - something we order in. Dinner is whatever I can grab on the way home. Then maybe around 10 or 11 I'll eat a snack. I think I need to be more mindful of eating because two of my meals occur at work and it's just about shoving something in my mouth between tasks.

I'm actually home today - I have off. I had this entire weekend to rest up from my week and I cleaned a lot but I've only left my apt once to go to the bar down the street to have a couple drinks with my friends. Pathetic. I've got to walk to the bank and do laundry today so that'll be something.

I think on of my other problems are my ankles. I fell alot as a kid and hurt them but in the past 10 years I fall for no reason about 3-4 times a year. It's sad, I've sorta got used to it. I fell a couple months ago just crossing the street. My ankles just like "give away." So whenever I'm outside walking I'm sorta thinking about that. Expecting to fall and hurt myself at any second. So I'm thinking I might want to get some braces. I mean it'll get better as I lose weight and I have an appt with a surgeon next month.

How do you guys get thru the pain? Does anyone else have ankles issues like me?
 
How did you deal with the pain when you started? How much did you do at first? I'm so glad you understand what I'm going thru. Do you feel better now?
 
The bottom line is that the amount of exercise you're able to do is not going to be sufficient to lose the weight. So the main focus is on nutrition and on making sure your metabolism is working properly. You say you eat 3 meals and 2 snacks. So how many calories do you think that is? If its a bunch, then that would explain your weight gain. If its not that much, considering that you dont even snack and have little time to eat at work, then its time to look at your thyroid or other causes of being overweight. So any chance you can count your calories for a day? Let us know if you need help, but that really is the only place to start. Sure, if you're drinking a bunch of soda and eating lots of snacks and huge meals then its easy to just cut back on those high calorie foods. But with your description, it seems like you will need more starting information to figure out how to lose the weight. I have a strong feeling that the pain will lessen with every pound you lose. Its just hard on the body to carry around all that excess weight day in and day out.
 
No, No, No Sweetie. Do not get stuck in that mind set. To get on the right path it's got to start from within. Love yourself no matter how different you are. Differences set us apart from everyone else. By making an attempt to reach out for help and wanting to change, you're stronger that you really know. I think you should see your physician and ask him what he would recommend as far as your physical health and the anxiety. Then your next focus should be your nutrition. It’s a lifestyle change and you have to stay committed. All good things take time and it’s never too late. Hang in there and you’ve got my FULL support if you need me. Stay Strong!!!
 
To lose weight - and I have before - I cut out junk food, drank more water, and exercised. It's not my thyroid or anything like that. What I'm principally struggling with us pain and and lack of energy. When I work, I am walking like 45 min a day so it's not like I'm unable to even MOVE. It just hurts to move because I've been sedentary and I have bad ankles. My main struggle with losing weight is moving - because it hurts. I get that it'll get better - but how do you - and others deal with the pain and lack of energy at first is what I want to know.
 
Hi Janice,

You should be proud of yourself for being willing to face these problems head-on. With all the pain, I'd be careful to make sure you are not injured before attempting any exercise. My best advice would be to open a dialogue with your doctor, stating that you want to be more active but you are having pains. (s)he should check to make sure you are OK to get moving more.

Trust me, your doctor would be happy to help you get active.

And losing weight the healthy way is SLOW. I'm a 20-year-old guy who has lost an average of under 1 pound per week for 2 years. But it adds up.

Eat healthy. Fruits and veggies are NOT diet foods, they are energy foods. :) Make sure you're not eating too much (work with your doctor or a nutritionist maybe, to figure out your needs). Also, WHOLE GRAINS with lots of fiber are AMAZING for you, and getting your recommended daily value will make you feel better.

But you can't just go on a diet, you must change your lifestyle. Permanently.

Make sure your doctor does lab work to make sure you don't have any glandular issues keeping you fat.

Good luck!
MM
 
:grouphug: Hang in there. I know where you are comming from. I always keep this Chinese Proverb in mind when I have fallen.

Fall 7 times stand up 8. Simple as that, stand up dust yourself off and move on. I layed on the ground for years before I stood up and said enough. I have fallen a bunch in the last month and I am not losing as fast as I THINK I should, but I am doing something.

You can do anything that you set your mind to do, trust me!! I do a lot of arguing with myself. I also tell myself on a daily basis that I am only limited by what I say I can not do. So I took Can't out of my vocab. I can do anything that I set my mind to and I do mean anything, it dosent matter if it comes to lifting a heavy weight or if it comes to running for 1 minute. If I go into it with a can do attitude then I do it, if I go in with a negative attitude then it is all over with before I even begin.

Also, even though your friends are skinny doesnt mean that they will not support you. It is good to have support with you in person.

Keep your chin up!!
 
You asked what to do about the pain. I'm not quite sure. Maybe better shoes would be a good start. REALLY good shoes that absorb the shock to your knees. I have knee problems as well. Friday I kinda over did it working out and I had to rest the weekend out to get my knees back in shape. I just came back from the gym and I'm taking it nice and slow.

Okay, another thing, to lose weight you don't HAVE to exercise. Back in October I was at my highest weight which was 331. I was kinda at a low physically and mentally, so I didn't do ANYTHING about it except I kinda just layed off the junk food a bit. It took a while to lose weight without exercise. By December I was 325. That's not a lot of weight loss, but considering I didn't count any calories and I didn't exercise and I kinda just gave up on myself, that's pretty good. My point is is that you can lose weight without exercise. You can count your calories. Every piece of food you put in your mouth you need to add it up. Because we tend to not really understand how much we truly eat. We didn't get fat for no reason at all.

You said at work they provide you meals, is there anyway that you can take your own lunch? Something healthy and low calorie. Maybe a sandwich and some fruit. Or some soup and some fruit. Anything that's not totally unhealthy. If you can't take your own lunch is there any way you can count the calories that you eat at work?

I really think that's where you need to start especially if you're in so much pain that you can't exercise. Your commute to work is enough movement for you for now.

Also, maybe you should consider taking some tylenol or seeing a doctor so he can give you some sort of pain reliever, just to get your through the day. I am DEFINITELY not one to recommend medicine, I hate medicine. But I mean, just so you can start getting through a little better, maybe its worth it. You should really see a doctor to see if there is anything wrong with your ankles and knees as well.

Wish you the best. Take care.
 
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:)

Well I made some good decisions today. Before I start -- where should I post on a daily basis? On other sites there was one page on the forum where we'd all kinda check in on a daily basis. Can someone point me there? :)

Well like I said, I made good decisions. I also made some bad ones. The food I ate today wasn't good. But it's been better than lately.

For lunch/breakfast, I ate a frozen dinner from Boston Market. 770 calories. Then a peanut butter sandwich with it. Not the best. Not the worst, i suppose.

For dinner, I had a couple hot dogs and some chicken noodle soup with crackers. Still not great but as I was walking back from doing laundry I wanted to get pizza and instead I went to the store and bought some veggies. I got home to cook - and realized I didn't have any chicken. So I ate this instead.

Then because I ate at all weird hours, I sorta had a SECOND dinner which was some box mac and cheese. BUT I made it with soy milk and low fat butter and didn't use as much. And.... ugh... I added a hot dog in it. It's bad-- but I ALMOST ordered a pizza in from Dominos. So while it sucked, it was the better option of the two.

So yeah I know this was nasty. Too much salt. WAY too much salt. I have PMS and I'm surprised I'm not sucking on the shaker. No veggies. No fruit. All fat and carbs and salt.

Man, something about having to write it down. I feel embarrassed! But the idea of having to admit it maybe brings it out into the open. It might break me form eating secretly and such. So yeah. I ate like a fat premenstrual pig today. I got no activity other than going across the street and doing laundry.

I suck. but i still feel better. Because I'm at least trying to be more conscious.
 
Hey, don't worry about it. You gotta start somewhere. It was good to have been able to pass on the pizza.

As far as a place to check in , the best thing to do is to start a diary in the diary section. I have one; feel free to check it out, it is called "Cord's Quest". I find it really useful to log in all my food and activity daily. Keeps me honest. :)
They say that honesty begins with honesty to self. But there is also an aspect where honesty begins with honesty to strangers. Logging your food and activity here allows you to do both at once. Writing down everything you eat and posting it for public scrutiny may sound terrifying, but it can also be wonderfully liberating. Especially since no one here is going to think less of you for what you are eating. All we may do is offer suggestions for change.
And yes, a food diary means there is no such thing as secret eating anymore.

Yeah, you ate mostly salt and fat today. Now, start looking at these foods and think about healthier alternatives to them.
Buying vegetables is good - as long as you then eat them. :)

I agree with dreamingblue - your commute to work is plenty of exercise for you at this time. Don't sweat it.

Your next step should really be seeing your doctor about both your weight loss and health goals, and your ankle problems and pain.

Take care.
 
Its a daily struggle Janice..coincidentally I succummed to my Dominoes craving this past Friday night. I ordered this delicious veggie pizza (with feta and provolone cheese yum) and ate all but 1 slice of the medium pie. And of course I was mad full and the scale went up the next day. Bad bad bad. I did OK saturday and part of sunday, but then on mother's day I went out and I swear I'm still feeling full from that meal. Usually by monday I'm feeling bloated and full and making up for the weekend. Point is you've gotta get back on the horse if you screw up, and you need to think over what you've eaten (as you're doing) and just make a better plan for the next day. More good days than bad, and more good meals than bad, and the weight will start coming off.
 
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