I'm sorry I didn't read or respond to this sooner, I was off doing finals work and then the holidays and all...Nov turned out to be a rather good month of working out. I got out there at least 3 times a week to the gym doing weight training. I learned I had 20% bodyfat though. That was really depressing for me. I'd ideally like to be at 10-15% and while I've lost weight, having once been a size 38 waist and now can fit in cuts of 34, I still see myself as having a TON of work to do. Id like to fit in a size 30-32.
You kind of hit it on the head David, though I have horrible self esteem when it comes to my looks and my body. The thing is I'm smart and practical thinking enough to know that how I feel is ridiculous and that I am face wise, better looking than a lot of guys out there, and even in my current state I'm better off than a lot of other men, but for some reason I still look at other guys, guys that maybe even aren't as attractive as I am overall, but for some reason I think they're much more ideal, just because they have better bodies and I want to be like them. I've been always "different" personality wise and what I've been interested in, it's sad but it's almost like I want to be a generic Abercrombie wearing lacrosse player.
I think in my case I'm a bit unusual for a guy, wanting to be smaller. I'm kind of hung up on being slim I think, because when I WAS slim I was not only my most attractive, but that was also the happiest time of my life and perhaps my thinking is that if I get thin again, it will be like that again, which I know is naive, but it would be easier.
It's just very tough, my younger brother could model if he wanted to. In that respect I'm very jealous of him. I'm confident enough in my talents and personality that I like myself but it's only my metaphorical, mental self with all my personality and interests, strengths that I respect, but it's all intangible, sure I'm a sensitive romantic young man, what girl wouldn't like all that, but when it comes to the physical, I feel I am disappointing. I feel it is casebook cliche, he's a great guy but his body is mediocre. I want to be best lover I can be and I feel I owe it to be the best to whomever I'm with. I'm the artist/writer wanting to look more like an athlete. It's all wanting validation.
pic is from Nov. I'm not sure if I look better now than then or not, I probably don't, I have been really down and haven't had the motivation to really get to the gym that much this month.
I hate to be the ass on this thread....but bro everyone is telling you that you really don't look that bad. Your 20 years young. Idk where your going to find the motivation to start working out but I think If you realize how close you really are to gaining your goal you will be fine. You got a great base to begin with. If you Want to gain muscle you seem like you get a pretty good frame to get it going. If you want to lose weight you don't have much to lose, and you can be cut up by summer easily. It's all on you from here you got great feed back from people. People dont bull**** on here so i'm not going to either. You go hard for 2 months I'm telling you, you will love yourself. Good luck brotha you can do it