i can see a rainbow

jasper1

jasper1

New member
Hi .My name is Jessica i am nearlly 33 years old and a mother of a 5year old boy!Today i weigh 100,6 kg's.
A couple of years ago i managed to loose mch weight and got down to nearlly 75 kg's,feeling great.Then i just let go and balloned up to my current weight.
I knew i was fat again,i stoped getting compliments from others and they where replaced again with |you must go on a diet|
I actually felt so great at 78 kg\s that i didnt want to loose anymore weight////
Crazy ?Wow cant wait for that feeling to come again!
I am dealling with a lot a lot a lot of stresfull situations ,generally this year has been only bad for me/us.It was NOT the reason for me getting this fat again,i had already put on so much before the start of this year.But i do belive it is the reason i just cant get myself starded on a healthy eating plan.
I used to go running thanks to this forum.I mananged to run for 30 minutes straight and i loved it.now i feel to heavy and teribble to go outside and do that.I must loose at least 10 kg's before attempting that.
i have a stationery bike and a little stepper here at home.I think i shall start with these.
I need to be strict about coming on here,not letting go,i need to feel that this is my base.Something really steady.
This journey is not just about me loosing weight.ITs about trying to stay positive and strong through difficult situations.Its about managing stress.its about my life change towards something better.Life is too short to be angry.I wont be angry with myself for my weight gain.I will try to welcome a new change in my life starting from today.
I ll be logging in at night when my food is finished for the day.
Lots of love to al you out there trying for a better you!
 
25th April-Friday-Day 1

1 head of cauliflower boiled
half a plate of spinach with rice
1 slice of bread
4 cookies
half a lettuce
 
Hello lovely! I'm glad you came back in here as it will help you to get back on track. You have had a tough time & most of us turn to 'comfort' eating when times are tough. We all need to find new strategies to learn to cope with hardship & I think it will always be difficult, but we CAN do it. I will keep an eye out for your diary every day. Sending you some strength & love sweetie xoxo Cate
 
Hello my lovely :)

I would say welcome back but I am totally the same as you. But we are back and we can do this. Like you said, we need to post every day. Every single day. Even if it is just to say 'shit day' but we must post.

I have started a new diary and I've called it 'Kate craving a healthy mind and body!!'

Looking forward to getting to a good place physically and mentally with you my lovely.

Love and hugs

Xoxoxo
 
Hi, me again :)

We need to make sure we stick to posting ever day so if either of us hasn't posted then the other must hassle them on facebook.
I was saying to Cate (my forum mum) that you are like my forum sister so I've adopted you as my sister. Hope you don't mind :)

Lets do this my lovely. Much love xoxoxo
 
Kate you got me laughing!!Forum mum and forum sister!!!love to be your forum sster!!
Hassle you on facebook????!!!!omg imagine you been in a bad mood and telling me off??????????!!! :cuss: lol!
i do think that this is a good planreally i do we must stick to it!
The only reason i can say i wont post is only f i am sick you know i really feel so bad and self pitty while sick i dont even switch the computer
Cate thank you for encouraging me more!i really am makng an efort this time
The past months i can say i thoughtreally that i was on a diet.My sister was asking why i havent lost any weight since i was on a diet...i was thinking that its just really difficult that my body has changed,butthe truth is i wasnt on a diet.i ate crap food,chocs and fried and no control over anything.I thought i was on a diet because 1 or two days a week i would not have dinner just a lettuce salad....Finding excusse to eat,like saying i dont want to DIET i want to eat normal so dont put the weight on gain after i am done.So normal for me was eating anything i wanted,well maybe not everything but sure it didnt mean cutting out anything naughty.Maybe i thought that because i was THINKING to cut back because i KNEW that i must eat all these thing maybe thats my idea of " iam on a diet"
this does sound crazy!
I woke up this morning so very very dizzy.I think its only happened to me once more to feel so dizzy.t didnt go way either.Igot up made a ice coffee then got dressed left.I had to go to the center today i was driving on the right lane incase i needed to pull over.I didnt but i felt so weird.Now im not looking for excuses that i didnt eat enough yesterday so today im feeling crapy.I think it can be from the flu i had Monday and tuesday.Maybe my body is a bit shocked from yesterdays clean food.Maybe my blood pressure is low.Maybe blood sugar is low.Whatever it is i am not going to go eat my way to feeling better!I am just trying to get 5 meals/snacks in today.I will have some chicken for lunch,i am going to eat al ittle more/better today.
I justkeep seeing the number 100 in my mind!wow its the sencond time ive been so heavy.Once more i was 105 kg's.how awful.
I am reading so much this year it really makes me look forward to my nights.I used to read novels and stuff (i have loats of S.King) all translated in greek.But my uncle he has loads of english books ,so i started reading everything in english to try make my english better and i love it.I mean english is my first language but living here and going to greek school i have forgoten ,well mostly not forgoten but i have difficulty many times while speaking and wrtting.So this is helping me a lot.Plus the stories seem much more realistic in their own language rather than greek.So everynight i grab my book and i does help me from eating.Like last night it took my mind off food.
Come back later to log the fod!
lots of lovE!
 
Hey Sis :)

Hassle me, shout at me, you can even be rude. Just make sure I post every day and I will do the same!!!! I promise I wont shout at you. I really really need it. I hate how I am at the moment and I can't seem to do anything about it on my own. I need you :)

Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well :( hope you feel better soon.

I'm gonna go and get into bed now with a book. I have an 9 month old kitten who really hates the new dog and she stays in the bedroom so I'm gonna sit up there with them. Just got a book from the charity shop called 'trust me, I'm a vet'

Love and hugs
 
Day 2 -April 26th Satuday


1 glass fresh orange juice
koulouri
half chicken breast with some potaoes (baked)
lettuce salad
slice feta cheese
25 gr's chocolate(large square)
bowl of yoghurt fat freemixed with strawberry jelly

Could of done without the the chocolate ,i didnt feel bad eatng it it was so yummy!Was only 25 gr...Could have done without the slice of feta cheese.

Kate!i love kttens !and dogs!i dont have a cat.i used to have one but he was a stray he came everyday to be fed.i havent seen him since last summer... :-(
I will tel you off then if that s what is needed!i need you guys aswell!I am sure though that you will be great.It is like HUGE that i am on here again.maybe you feel the same.
My dizzines has become much better.Not gone just better.i think after a good nights sleep i will be fine tomorow!
Lots of love !goodnight
 
:grouphug: Hi Jess, I'm happy to be your forum Mum too! :beating: You two can be the daughters I never had! I love having you both back, even though you may think it's for the wrong reason that you are. Being accountable & honest makes a lot of difference to losing weight & keeping it off. I'm afraid that we will just have to accept that we will have to watch what we eat always unless we can accept being overweight. I can't see that happening any time soon! Exercise is the key, I think, to improve our mood, to make us feel better about ourselves, to increase metabolism as well as all the obvious things that exercise brings with physical health. The sooner you get moving the better you will feel.
BTW I too have a similar anxiety & imagination especially as a passenger, never when I am driving. It's horrible. Crazy women! ;) Hope you don't have a cold or flu sweetie, much love xoxo Cate
 
Goodmorning!!!
Weighed this morning to happily see the 100 kg's number o my scales!I have lost 600 gr's in 2 days.I know it's not fat ect ect but still it's the necessary first steps towards succes!
Cate , mum , thank's for coming by!I am going to get moving i promise it's that i haven't been feeling good.If i am better tonight i will get on the bike or step!my throat is stll a bit sore and m tiny bit dizzy today

be back later!
 
Heya Sweetie :)

Yay!! day 2 done! don't worry about the chocolate and cheese, it was only a small piece and the rest of your food was super duper great!!! I had 2 glasses of wine :eek:
We need to remember that this is for the long term, like mum says ;) we can't stop everything.

My new dog was on the sofa a minute ago and the kitten came in and it was all peaceful YAY!!!! we are getting there slowly. I'd hate to think that the cats spent all their time in our room.

Glad you're feeling better hun. It is always so much harder when you feel rubbish. Especially with a cold....I always eat everything I can get my hands on lol

Much love xoxo
 
Day 3 - April 27th-Sunday

1 koulouri
plate of beans cooked in oven with herbs and tomatoe
1 piece Large feta cheese
1 slice bread
1 bowl of low fat yoghurt with jelly

I must say sometihng that is on my mind,with the risk that you all may think i am so naive and silly
When i was down to 76-75 kg i felt great (my body) but my face was another thing.I could see my fwrinkles on my face,mostly expression lines so much.I cant start to say how this bothered me.I dont know if this also played a little bit in me eating.I remember thinking that i looked better (face wise) fatter.
Know i must let you all understand that i am afraid,of wrinkles.I am AFRAID of ageing.I think of wrinkles every single day.I use moisturizer and eye cream everyday,i am looking for a good sunscreen nnow aswell.I have noticed slight wrinkles by my eyes when i s,ile and even when im not they are there.How would i look if i got to 75 kg's?I am 33 now .Then i was 30.I know you wil say i'm still young ,i'm not saying i'm not.But i dont want to have these lines on me.It makes me feel terrible.I really dont know....I dont know if i would choose skiny over good face skin....What if i loose weight and i look terrible later?how can i protect my skin?Also would i have these lines if i was slim?and because i have extra fat they are hidding what i already own?or does been overweight and then loosing the weight make things much worse?Plus in the last months i have got so many white hairs...It did bother me at first but i was fine after a week of looking at them.I put some colour on and t was ok.But i definatlly feel like my body is aging faster than it should....i am 33 i dont think i should be having issues with skin and hair yet.
Well that said i feel a bit better!you probably think its really silly to be even thinking these things when so many more imoprtant things are going on in the world and in life,i nearlly feel guilty by my thoughts and feelings on this matter
Kate im glad the kitten and doggie are getting better along.i'm sure they will be friends at the end!
When i bought home Tina a stray dog we found some years ago,to meet our beagle Rubi they didn't get along at all.I was sad thinking that i can't keep Tina.Rubi loved her straight away,that dog would love and lick a thief!But Tina was awfull i got scared once they had a fight that one may be bitten.But slowly slowly things worked out!And now they are good friends!But i never forced one on another.I just let them be!The same with the stray cat ,Chico i had.When he used to come in the house sometimes ,Rubi wanted to play,but he kept his distance,then after a while they used to play together and eat from the same bowl.!!!!


I didnt get ay exercise today.I am feeling fine by the way,only a light dry throat.I just cant get up and go on that bike.G is here and i dont want him seeing me.He doesnt know i'm trying again.I don't want him to know.He is working night ,tonight.He leaves in an hour....That's to late to get riding!I'm going to see so,me 1980's twilight zone episodes i have on dvd!I used to watch them when i was very little with my mum!I still love them!
Speaking of my mum....she has been diagnosed with Dimentia.but i have come to realize -in my personal opinion-that she may be also anorexic or at least SOME eating disorder.Plus -do i dare say-alcoholic.i will be speaking of her in this diary.enough for now.
Lots of love
Goodnight!
 
Hi sweetie. I don't think any of us would think of you as naive or silly. Many people hate their wrinkles. I see mine as a record of my expressions. I don't see wrinkles as a negative thing luckily & I started getting grey hairs at 15 years of age. It's genetic & both our sons are quite grey in their early 30's. They are lovely & so are you! Thought this photo might make you smile, xoxo Cate
 
Hello Jasper. I have ballooned, lost weight, ballooned again etc etc so many times that I have two suitcases in the attic labeled fat clothes & thin clothes. I say have, but I am so determined this time, that I have thrown out the fat clothes ( no charity shop would want them I can assure you) We can get there this time. What chance has a barrel of fat over all of us working together?
 
Day 4 April 26th-Monday


Fresh green beans ccoked with tomatoe and carrots
koulour
bowl of low fat yoghurt with srtrawbwrry jelly
1 grlled pita with some cheese on and half a tomatoe
small lettuce salad (with vinegar and salt)
had naughty bites out of everythng while makng G a sandwch .It probably would add up to a small sandwich................

I dont feel i had a good day.I just now had a nibble here and a nibble there while making a sandwich for G.The only positive i got from this is that i can fell a bit bad by eating it.Not like before.Didnt even think about it.
I wanted to eat last night so much.Ihad my mind on the yoghurt deseret ihad in the frdge,i could not focus on my Twilight zone episodes!!!!I ddint give n though it was really late at night.I actually felt a bit nauseous while i lay down to sleep.I always feel a bit of nausea when ANTYTHING is wrong with me.Probably i have a weak stomach.There are tme when i am NOT sick or anything and i feel a little nauseous.
Was so hungry this morning.I ate that koulouri so fast.I felt so nice after!I just couldnt wait to go to the bakers and get one...i really could have had a couple plus a raisin mini roll but didnt....
Then i gave away a chocolate icecream i had in the freezer from last week to Mario.But really its not such an accomplishment,i m not that crazy about ice cream.more crazy for yummy home made sandwiches:smash:
still no exercise.i did clean non stop though for 3 and a half hours.
Cate i love the picture!!!I guess i must try to accept this.I m just wondering What will i feel like inanother 5 -6 years when i'm going on to 40?i really want to welcome change.But its so hard for me.
I was thinking today that this is actually the forst time i amseeing some sort of weight loss from December 2011.When i stoped smoking!I dont know if that really had anything to do but from then i never lost anything just gained (and i was working out a lot)So with that difficult path behind me i hope that will manage to get to my goals.Most important to stay there!

Dumpy!I have also been like that all my life.I was never really thin but i varied from chuncky to really fat over and over and over.Ihate the fat pictures.I dont have my clothes in categores though!!!Wereally can and we know we can its just a metter of determination./i am thinking of sticking a fat photo of myself and a nice foto of myself on the fridge!Thanks for stoping by!
 
Hey sis :)

OK my lovely, the next time you go to put something in your mouth that you know you shouldn't I want you to think of me stood there giving you 'that look' and tapping my toe :toetap05: Well done on still coming on here and saying about it though. Keep focused my lovely, as soon as you start seeing a difference it will be so much easier.

regarding wrinkles Sorry sweetie but it's gonna happen. You are going to get old. I am 40 and you know what, it's ok. You really do get to an age where you realise that it's ok.
A while ago I went to London with a friend, who is 22 and everyone thought I was her mum. I was mortified and it really pissed me off to start with but it then made me realise that actually ' yes, you are 40 and it's cool' OLD IS OK. 40 is ok.

I read that you didn't want G to know that you were back on the forum and trying to change your diet. Why? If you don't mind me asking.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. You can do this sweetie.

Love and hugs xoxo
 
Day 5 -April 29th-Tuesday

1 koulouri
1and half grilled sausage (fat and all included)
Some lettuce salad
5 boiled zucchini
1 grilled pita
1 mini (really tin)sized mars

I had a nice day today.I spent all of the morning and some of the afternoon with my uncle.We went for a coffee and then to buy some veggies to the bank window shopping and i had fun!
i dont feel bad about my sausage.Because ireally didnt have much besides that...The mini tiny sized (party size!)mars doesnt make any damage!it cant be more than 80 calories
I have to get up really early so i cant say much just that i dont feel that its OK to get old.Maybe it will pass in sometime.Who knows.Well 40 isnt old.and its notthe numbers that scare me but the wrinkles....I hope i can come to terms.I am getting my new (my first actually) face sun protection cream tommorow.AI really want a plain extra moisturizing nght cream,but cANT aford it right now maybe in a couple of weeks.I sometimes think that "god" life mother nature or whatever will punish me for been troubled by such silly matters.I think of that and then quickly think something positive.
Until tommorow lots of love!
Dumpy`I will visit your diary tommorow!i dont think the dog or anyone will be scared!!!I think you will be inspired to continue.I used to take photos of me.Loads of them in Non fitting clothes,or every kilo i lost i took multi angle photo of me and it REALY and truelly helped me so much.I loved comparing them.I dont like to see them now.Get sad from the weight gain.but it helped so much.i recommend that for you aswell
 
It's nice that you had a lovely day with your uncle Jess. I think sun protection is the most important thing with wrinkles. I use a really cheap vegetable sorbolene (Vege Sorb) cream on my hands & face when I go to bed & it's great. It has no nasties or fragrance & makes your skin feel great.....& did I say, CHEAP. xoxo Cate
 
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