I am beautiful (and I will be even more beautiful)!

Gymchica, thank you so much for responding. That is really one of the things that motivates me the most. Just knowing that someone else knows what I'm going through. I read it at lunch today, but didn't have time to write back.

I was 141 this morning, which means I gained another pound, but I did a lot better today, as usual, so it should start to go down again as long as this coming weekend doesn't do me in. I did about 50 minutes of cardio, maybe half of my planned conditioning so far, and ate maybe 1600 calories. Hoping tomorrow will be even better. I'm planning on weighing myself again so thats how I'll measure how today went.
 
Thank goodness for new days and starting over. Today is going much better. I got up and went to the gym and did a half hour on the treadmill with 16 minutes running and the rest walking, and burned 300 calories. Before that I had yogurt with walnuts, dried cherries and honey in it, plus one oatmeal cookie made with honey not sugar. But it did have chocolate chips in it. Talked to my boyfriend and got excited about going home this weekend. Now I have a few minutes to get ready for class.

I get to go to gymnastics tonight!!! I missed class on Thursday a couple weeks ago because I was sick, so now I get to do a make-up class tonight. I'm very excited. I always feel much tighter and harder the day after gymnastics. Yay!

I'll write again later. Have a wonderful day everyone!
 
I was so excited about gymnastics today, but it ended up being horrible. There were tons of people there so I barely got any turns in. Then I landed a back handspring wrong and thought I broke my foot. It hurt so bad. So I spent about 20 minutes trying to decide if I was going to be okay or not. Then we didn't even do any conditioning at the end. It wasn't a workout at all. What a bummer. Still hoping to go down on the scale tomorrow morning. I was kind of banking on that workout tonight though, so we'll see.
 
Wow I'm glad you didn't break your foot! That would have been horrible! I had a disapointing "work out" today too. I was planning on running for 45 mins today, but couldn't get the motivation bc I was feeling really bad about myself. I needed to go to the mall so I put a pedometer on and planned on doing as much walking as possible. After the mall, I felt much better and was going to go for my run when I got home. I got home a little after 10pm and got ready to go. It's finals week though so I checked to make sure the hours were the same, and all the workout facilities on campus close at 10 this entire week! Now I'm just sitting here wishing I would have gotten my run in!

Anyway I've been going through some things lately. Since I have some time right now, I'll tell you about itjust so you know you're not alone when you're feeling bad. I also just need to vent so sorry that I'm taking up your journal!

Okay here it goes. Lately I've just been feeling so bad about myself. Whenever I look in the mirror all I see is a very fat stomach and the back of my legs (thighs) are disgusting. I would never want anyone I know to see me in a bathing suit. It's weird because a little more than a year ago I gained some weight and weighed 133. I'm 5'2 and that was the most I had weighed since middle school probably. Then over the summer I got down to 118 and felt pretty good. I still thought I needed some work, but I decided I would focus on maintaining for my last year of college so I could enjoy it without stressing out so much. I tend to get obsessive about couting calories and exercising. Well that lasted til about November when I decided I needed to lose more weight. I worked really hard and got down to around 113 by January. Then I decided I needed to maintain again because I was getting too stressed out by trying to lose. I quit counting calories which was a big step for me. About a month ago I decided to try and lose AGAIN, and began counting again. I got down to 109, but hit a brick wall and my weight started creeping up a little without any changes to my routine. I'm now at 112 and feel HORRIBLE. I feel like I look fatter than I ever did before.

It's so frustrating because I work so hard at the gym. I lift really heavy weights 3x a week and do cardio 5x a week. I eat healthier than anybody I know, yet I feel like a fat slob half of the time. Drinking on the weekends is probably what is holding me back. I've cut back so much though, and don't want to cut it out completely. I'm going to be graduating really soon and want to have a really good time. I don't want it to get to the point where I avoiding going out because I'm trying to lose 5 lbs. I know it'll probably be a lot easier after I graduate, but I want to look good NOW.

I just wish I could feel good about myself because I've worked really hard to get to where I'm at. I should enjoy what I've worked for. Sometimes I think I look really good, but then I see a skinny person and automatically feel huge and unattractive. I have a great boyfriend and know I'm not ugly. My body is just so gross though. The only thing I like are my arms. They are sexy and have some great muscle definition, but everything else is too fat.

I guess my biggest problem is working on my body image. It seems hopeless though. The only way I think I could ever be completely happy is by losing all this fat on my body. It's pathetic.

Sorry again for putting all of this in your journal. I just needed to vent. I think I'm going to try to quit counting calories again and just try to be healthy. It's so hard though because I feel like it's giving up.

I hope you have a great day tomorrow regardless of what the scale says. I'm going to try my best to have one as well. :)
 
Hey gymchica,
thanks for writing. sometimes it really helps just to get it all out. I'm sorry you're not feeling good about yourself, and I completely understand what you're going through. I have the same problems every single time I don't lose as much as I want to or don't look as good as I want to. Sometimes I feel like I hate myself, and why would anyone like me, want to be friends with me, etc. I do love going to the mall too, and just walking around and watching people and looking in the windows, and getting exercise too. It's a great way to get some exercise in when you don't feel like going to the gym and doing real exercise. The other day the campus was closed because of snow and freezing rain, but I didn't know it so I went to the gym expecting to get to work out, but I couldn't cuz it was closed. It feels like all your goals are not going to be made when that happens, which of course is stupid, because one day doesn't really matter as long as you're not doing that all the time. It sounds like you're doing pretty well, despite not feeling like you are. I feel the same way though. I work so hard, and barely see any results. Actually, I don't see any results. I can measure a difference, but it still looks just as fat and flabby and horrible. I'm jealous of your sexy arms. That and my stomach are what I'm trying to work on the most. What about when you're wearing certain clothes that you think make you look good? Then do you feel better about yourself?

Ok, so clearly there are some body image issues for both of us. I'm trying to realize that in actuality I look ok. It could be a lot better, but it could definitely be a lot worse too. Lets both try to see at least one good thing everytime we look in the mirror. And we'll still work really hard at the weight loss thing. If we keep it up, eventually that hard work will show. And don't worry about taking up space in my diary. What you wrote really made me think about things myself, and it was very helpful. I hope you're feeling okay, and I hope you have a good day.

As for me, I was 139 this morning. At least I'm in the 130's. I think part of my problem with getting mad at myself for not meeting goals is that I expect it to happen to fast. I'm going to lower my goals just a little bit, and see how I feel. I'd still like to be 125 by the end of April, but as it gets closer, its getting to be more unrealistic so I'll settle for 130 and can lose the last 5 when I come back to school in May. For the rest of the week my goal is to not eat any snacks in between meals, which I know may be part of the reason I go over my calories, and to get all my conditioning in every day. Lets see how it goes today.
 
This has to be quick because it is way past my bedtime. I meant to post everything I ate today and what I did for workout, but its too late for that. I didn't completely succeed with the small goals I set for myself, but I will try again tomorrow. I want to go back through my diary and see what worked, and then make a new plan with new goals. I think it will help my motivation to do that since I'm always more motivated at the beginning. But all that is for tomorrow. Goodnight.
 
I haven't had time to do what I wanted as far as my new goals go, but I'm going home tomorrow(!!!!!), and I know I won't really be doing much calorie counting or exercising. I will try to make good food decisions though. But I figure I might as well just make new goals to start on Monday anyway.

Today was good. Gymnastics was awesome. We have a new coach who I thought at first I wasn't going to like, but I actually think she's great. Here's what I ate:

7:30 Large bowl of oatmeal with blueberries, milk, and honey (300 calories)
1:30 Large salad (250 calories)
Baked sweet potato (200 calories)
3:30 Yogurt (150)
5:00 Large bowl of soup mixed with leftover green beans (300)

Total: 1200

Oops. I didn't realize it was that low. I'll make it higher tomorrow.
 
137 this morning! It's only been a week since I last took measurements, but I had planned on doing it today so I did it anyway. Here are the results:

Hip: 35.5- same
Thigh: 23- same
Waist: 28- down .5 lb.
Bust: 37- down .5 lb.

I guess overall thats not too bad considering i thought this week was going to be horrible.
 
Good Job!!! :)

That is good that you're going home for a little while. Next week is my spring break. I'm going to Chicago Sunday and Monday, and then I'll be going home as well for the rest of the week. I'm excited!

From the food you listed, you are barely eating any protein. You need protein to make sure you don't lose your muscle. This is especially important when you're trying to lose weight.

Anyway have a great weekend and a good time at home! :)
 
I'm back from a wonderful weekend at home! My boyfriend did say he thought my legs looked a little smaller, so thats good. He didn't say anything about my stomach, which is where I really want to lose weight, but it will come, I think. I didn't do any exercise other than a couple walks that were each maybe 20 or 30 minutes. I ate well on Friday and Saturday, but on Sunday I had a big breakfast and a big lunch, and lots of snacks the rest of the day. But it's back to it tomorrow.

Gymchicha, I know I'm really bad at getting enough protein. I ran out of dollars for the cafeteria so I'm stuck with what I can make with a refrigerator and microwave, and I get tired of peanut butter. Any suggestions anyone?

Here are my new goals and thoughts on weight loss, not in any particular order:
1. I am doing this to get into better shape so I can be physically active with my friends and the kids I teach without it being hard for me.
2. I am doing this to feel good about myself and be comfortable in my clothes and in a bathing suit.
3. I want to learn to have good eating habits that I can continue through life.
4. I want to be an inspiration to my patients that need help with weight loss once I graduate.
5. Goals: stretch every night, healthy food choices, workout at least 5 days a week, don't get down on myself about small mistakes, 125 pounds by May 1!!!!!

I think thats all for now. I had a lot more in my head when I was driving, but I can't remember them now. Oh well. Oh yeah, I'm hoping for a half pound loss every 2 or 3 days. I think thats reasonable.
 
I was 139.5 this morning. Up 2.5 pounds from yesterday. I didn't do well yesterday so that and Sunday made it go up I'm sure. I have to stop doing this. I really want to be 135. Thats my newest goal. I've done well so far today. Lets hope I keep it up.
 
Still 139.5 this morning. That number seems to really like me. But I don't like it. Yesterday I totally stuck to my eating plan, went to the gym twice, and went to gymnastics since I can't go Thursday. I did all that, but the scale didn't go down? It doesn't make sense to me. The only thing I can think is that I did eat a bunch of pickles yesterday, so maybe all the salt held some water in. No pickles today, and only water to drink, and lets hope that it drops down tomorrow. I have no classes today because its Registration, so I'm planning on going to the gym twice again, plus gymnastics. I better see some payoff. I'm going to the gym right now because I ate a huge breakfast.
 
I've redone my goal, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm now trying to get to 130 by the end of this trimester, which is April 18. That gives me just a little bit more time, which I will definitely need, at the rate I'm going. It's soooo slow. Then during my 3 week break I will try to lose those last 5 pounds even though during my last break I ended up gaining weight. I'll have to try to figure out how to do things differently.

Today: Went to the gym and gymnastics! Not that anyone wants to know this, but I went to the bathroom (No. 2) probably 4 times today. I'm guessing thats why my weight didn't go down from yesterday, and why I'm hoping it will be down tomorrow morning. Didn't do great with food today. Breakfast and lunch were huge, but dinner was tiny so hopefully it will all even out. I'm off to bed dreaming of my slim toned body and nice clothes I will fit into that I want so badly.
 
Yay, 137 this morning! Finally my hard work is starting to pay off again. I just hope it keeps moving downward. I'm going home again this weekend, so it will be hard, but I'll do the best I can. As far as today goes, I'll only get one workout in, which is fine, but then I sit in the car for 6 hours. Blah. It's hard for me to not get a snack when I stop to go to the bathroom or get gas. I'm going to try chewing gum, and see if that helps.

I wrote this about 4 hours ago but I guess I didn't submit it so I'll do it now. But I have an addition. Actually I have a confession. I got on the scale again after my shower after my workout. I really don't want to get on it so much, but I couldn't help it. And guess what? It said 136! So, this time, I'm glad I did. Also, I'm really proud of my workout this morning. I didn't have much time because I had to go look at a house with a friend of mine. So I had to make the most out of the time I had. Usually I run a little bit and walk quite a bit more. But today I ran for 10 minutes at 6.2, 5 minutes at 6.4, and 5 minutes at 6.6 all in a row. It was really hard, but I felt so good when I was done. Plus its really good I did it, because now I have to be in the car for a long time.

Feeling good today. You can do it! Keep it up!
 
Yay I'm glad you're feeling good today! Keep it up :)

I haven't been doing well at all with eating and exercising, but it's hard because I'm on spring break. I don't really care though. Sometimes eating whatever I want and not working out for a week is good for me mentally to get motivated. I was getting really sick of working out by the end of this past quarter. Having this week off is beneficial even if I do gain a couple pounds.

Hope you continue the good work and keep seeing results!
 
gymchica,
good for you for letting yourself forget about losing weight for a week. Just don't go too crazy! I don't know if I could do that. I'd be too worried about gaining even a couple pounds, which is stupid I know. I've got 3 weeks off coming up at the end of this trimester in about 4 weeks. I'm really nervous I'm going to gain a bunch of weight again like I did over christmas break. Do you have anything you're doing to keep yourself on track?

I went home again this weekend. It was amazing, as usual. This time my boyfriend noticed that I looked thinner! However, also as usual I ate more than I should have including drinking beer (3 of them) on Saturday night. I'll weigh myself in the morning to see what damage I've done. I have no regrets though. It was worth it without a doubt.

I'm going to do less exercise this week. Finals are coming up in 2 weeks, and its time to start focusing more on school. I'll still be watching what I eat and definitely exercising every day, just not as much. My goal for now is still 130 by April 18.

It's good to be back :)
 
Whether or not I am losing weight, I am definitely getting into better shape. At the gym just now I ran 10 minutes at 6.2, 5 minutes at 6.5, and 2 minutes at 6.7. Instead of feeling like I was going to die afterwards I felt really good, and like I had just had a great workout. It was wonderful. It's nice to come back after a weekend of not really working toward my goals and be able to do that. I'm going back again tonight because I feel good and I can.
 
today:
exercise: 690 calories burned, 35 minutes walking and 35 minutes running
food:
7:30 banana (100 calories), ran out of time, couldn't eat any more
12:00 corn chowder and split pea soup (250 calories), salad (100 calories), apple (100), two pieces of toast with butter (300 calories)
8:30 two sugar-free tapioca puddings (180 calories), 8 cookies (450 calories), 2 pieces of bread with butter (300 calories)
I didn't get to eat dinner, and all I wanted to do when I got back from working out was eat shitty food. And thats exactly what I did. It always takes me a day or two to get back on track after eating badly on the weekend.

Overall, I think I did well with exercising, but really badly with food. I don't even want to count how many calories I ate. I've made a plan for tomorrow and I'm going to reward myself if I stick with it.
 
139.5 this morning. My weight goes up, then I work hard to bring it down to where it was, so technically, I am losing weight, but because I'm losing the weight I had just put back on, I don't make any progress. Its really frustrating. It's the weekends that kill me, where I regain all the weight I had lost during the week. But my mom is coming to visit this weekend, and she eats really well, so I should be okay there. Then the weekend after that I am going home again, and I'm going to try really hard to be good. then the weekend after that I will be studying for finals so that will be hard, but I'll see what I can do. For now I guess I just keep working out and trying to eat well, although I've sort of already blown that for the day, with my huge breakfast. Ok, I'm going to the gym now. *sigh*
 
Help me!

After I finished writing that last entry I didn't go to the gym like I said I was going to. Instead, I went back to bed. Then I got up an hour and a half later and ate a lot more. I don't know what is going on. Somebody please help me stop this.
 
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