How to deal with loneliness & regret?

[Kitty!kat!]

Hi everyone. I am somewhat new to this forum, but I am looking to find someone with a similar situation that can help me with my problems.

I have always been overweight. I suppose I was an emotional eater. I was heavy as a child, through high school, and as a young adult.

Now, in my later 20s, I have finally discovered the motivation and determination to lose the weight (going from a size 20 to size 4 petite.) I slowly worked at this through diet and exercise. Before --- I couldn't even walk around the block --- and now--- I run 5 miles every other day.

But how do I deal with the loneliness? As a bigger girl, I felt very isolated and unloved or unworthy of love, therefore I had never formed a relationship. I believe that when I was heavy, I lost the desire to find one. Now, I get looks and guys just give compliments that make me feel desirable, but I still feel shy and very lonely. I feel starved for physical affection and this sometimes draws me deeper into despair. I just feel so old and tired of being alone, but there is no one to hold me and give the things that I desperately need.

AND . . . the regret of wasting all those years instead of dating and having fun makes me sad and destraught. I still feel isolated even when I work out at the gym.

How do I accept the past, move on, and get control of my life and out of this emotional rut? How do I deal with this need for physical intimacy (which sometimes alarms me) so that I can concentrate on overall compatibility with a man? What do I do to stave off this love hungry heart?

 

[iamfire1]

Honor your grief

Morning,

First off, welcome to the forum! It's a super place in which to find great support.

Next, I think everyone who has lost weight can really relate and empathize with your feelings. The thing for you to remember is those emotions are powerful and must be recognized - give yourself permission to honor your grief and pain, take some hours to really cry it out (I firmly believe crying can be a catharsis), and then internalize the following:

* You can't change the past. That's why you just honored it.

* But you can take steps to control the future.

And that's what you're doing, right? You've made the decision in your mind to walk the walk and move towards a healthier you.

Next, regarding relationships....I believe that before anyone can get comfortable in a relationship, they first must be able to enjoy their own solitude. You need to come to terms with how truly terrific a person you are...and how lucky others will be in the future to get to know you! Internalizing that idea really helps in decreasing any 'neediness' that can stalk friendships and other relationships.

Take care of yourself first and foremost and become comfortable with who you are and what you have to offer! During this time of self-discovery, take advantage of forums like this one and other support places like ...it will give you an outlet for safe communications.

Uncovering the real you is a hero's journey - honor yourself in it and give yourself permission to witness the magic. It can change your life.

Best wishes,

Barbara

 

[casanova1]

So many people go through this.
The first thing you need to accept is, the past is in the past. You can't grab a time machine and change things, so remind yourself of that and sometimes it helps move on.

another thing is you need some time.
Even a few months just might not be enough for you to move on. Don't be impatient with yourself. Cry when you want to, and let it all out because you will feel so much better afterwards. you won't be holding onto things you had tucked under your belt or in your pockets[aka everywhere in your brain!] that was weighing you down.

You lost alot of weight, and you should feel really proud of yourself! You did it! You need to come to terms with what you have achieved, not just in weight loss. Know that you can look good as a size 20, or as a size 4.
You need to become comfortable with who you are before anything else.

Put yourself out there, take your time, and the shyness will be overcome.

 

[kerich1117]

First off, congratulations on the weight loss! I don't have any great advice for you, but I know how you are feeling, my boyfriend passed away over the summer. It was (is) a very lonely and empty feeling to go from having that presence in your life to nothing. I understand the desire to have that physical connection. I'm not anywhere close to wanting a relationship, but I do miss that emotional and physical closeness. I find myself wanting the physical interaction but know that it would be a bad decision. I'm only 20 but it makes me panicky to think that I'm single back on the market. Its hard to go from the mindset that I was done looking (we had a tentative wedding date in summer 09) to having to start back at square one.

I'm sure you realize this, but guy or no guy, that amount of weight you lost is really impressive. Enjoy your new body, go out with friends, and just spend time participating in activities you love (and hey, you're more likely to meet guys with similar interests). I'm a firm believer that if someone is happy and confident, the guy thing will work itself out.

Good luck and feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

 

[targetsize12]

hi i read your post and related to your problems/issues completly
ive lost 4 stone to date but when i was bigger i was paranoid that everyone was looking at me because i was fat, now i notice guys looking at me and i think why are they looking at me as my self esteem is practically non existant

the last guy i was seeeing really screwed up the little bit of confidence i had left, as he made comments with regards to my size and i over heard him, i ditched him but im finding it sooooo hard to deal with any male attention as i always question is it for real or are they winding me up/ making me out to be a joke etc

and now when eva i recieve a complement i get really embarrassed and wish that the floor would open up

i wish i had lost weight earlier as being bigger definitly stopped me from going out and now im in a way living my life much better then i use to and i too regret the time i have wasted comfort eating etc but then i agree with the other posts that its not good to dwell on the past as we cant change it but only learn from it and make improvements for the future

im not activly looking for a guy at the mo but i do believe that love/relationships come about when your least expecting it or at the most inconvient times so maybe if you stop looking/thinking about finding someone , that someone special will turn up and who knows from there

best of luck

targetsize12
-------x------

 

[ugachick]

I just wanted to congratulate you on your weightloss! I think you have done absolutely wondeful. I think you have received great advise here from the posters above me. I really have nothing to add I just wanted to say WTG!