How do you feel good about yourself??

gymchica

gymchica

0
I really don't like opening myself up like this, but feeling good about myself and thinking positively about my body has been something I've struggled with my entire life.

I know I am not fat (5'3, 113 lbs), but I ALWAYS feel fat. When I look in the mirror I mostly just see the parts that I don't like. I think my stomach is too fat and my thighs are as well. Sometimes I wonder if I see other people my size and think they look great not realizing I'm the same size.

I've been with my current boyfriend for the past 3 years, and he says he loves my body and wishes I'd just focus on maintaining my weight. As much as I love him, I just can't fully accept what he says. I don't believe him. I think he justs wants me to be happier and not feel so bad, but would still think I'd look even better if I lost weight. I know it sounds dumb, but I have really small boobs so I feel as if I have to compensate for that fact by having the rest of my body look perfect. Even though I have a great bf, I still am always wondering what other guys think of me and want everyone to think I look great.

It's been getting to the point where I'm starting to feel as if I'm not allowing myself to truly enjoy life because I'm always SOOO concerned with how many calories I'm consuming. I've started avoiding going out with friends because of the temptation of alcohol. I'm just scared that one day I'm going to wake up old and skinny, but realize that I wasted all my younger years. Two summers ago I gained a bunch of weight (although it was the BEST summer ever!) and at the end of the summer I weighed 133. In the past year, I've lost 20 lbs, but I still feel the same mentally. I'm afraid that no matter how much weight I lose, I'm never going to be satisfied with it.

It's my last year of college, and I want to enjoy it and have fun, but lately I've just been trying to avoid going out completely. I'm not going to stop eating healthy and exercising, but I want to feel confident about what I have acheived and not worry so much. I have a lot of friends who are a little bigger than me, but they have so much more confidence, and I NEVER look at them and think they look fat.

I'm going to South Padre Island in March, and the thought of wearing a bathing suit in front of all my friends really freaks me out. I think a lot of people are going to realize I'm a lot fatter than I look with all my clothes on.

I was just wondering if anybody had any advice for me??

Oh and I can say there are 2 things I actually like about my body. I LOVE my arms. They have some really nice muscle definition. I also really like my back. It is also has some nice muscle definition and shows a very definite hourglass shape. I could list a million things however that I don't like.
 
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Since you're opening up, could you list all the good things in your life right now. Everything that you can think of that is positive.
 
Let me post "one type of angle" at you:

Open the eyes and mind and look around when you are out in about or reading material (on the short list below).What do you see? Do you look and truly see?

Sometimes one can see:

1. An overweight person that is extremely happy "with themselves".
2. An overweight person that is NOT happy "with themselves"
3. A rather skinny person that is extremely happy "with themselves"
4. A rather skinny person that is NOT happy "with themselves"
5. A person who appears to be at a healthy weight and extremely happy "with themselves"
6. A person who appears to be at a healthy weight and NOT happy "with themselves"
7. A person with medical complications severely intruding on their health is happy and working with it. And, able to do extraordinary feats surprising many.
8. A person with medical complications severely intruding on their health in deep depression, very sad, and disheartened.


Consider the playing ground equal. What is the common denominator here, you think?


The mind can be the catalyst to spring a person to intense and/or simple achievement or compel a person to intense and/or simple dispair.
(Chillen)

Your mind can determine which side of the equation you are on.

Peel the "inner being" that seems "sometimes" separate from the mind like methodically peeling and orange. Apply what you see and read with open eyes and cognitive awareness and blend them together for a self benefit application.



===================================================================
If self image-perception is a problem. Self-awareness is not enough. Can you tell me what "tools" you can use to improve?

Some links for you:





Best regards,



Chillen
 
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When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is pretty happy, but can always improve. The way I look is my own doing, if I am getting fat, it is becuase I chose to overindulge. If I look good, it's becuase I executed some discipline.

That being said, I always have a goal in mind. Right now, they are strength oriented more than looks oriented, but that will certainly change at some point.
 
i have never felt better about myself as a result of sittin an considering myself.

For me, I do stuff. Events, activities, and people, and i seem to feel great most of the time.

Since you have your fitness, use it. Sign up for a 5K, go on a hike, do something. I did 3 skydives, rode mountain bike trails with my son, and played football out front with the neighbor kids. I feel great.

Please believe me when I say- I have done tons of self help books, bible studies, retreats and everything else trying to feel better about myself. It never really happened until I ditched thinking about me, and started looking for somethin TO DO!

states as sensitively as I could,

FF
 
Since all the above are all dudes :rolleyes: I'll put in my .02 as a woman.

I can relate with a lot of what you wrote. In my "younger" years (I can't believe I'm saying that, I just turned 30 this year) I cared a LOT about what people thought. To the extent that I would get social anxiety and paranoia about how people would view me so I'd ditch a lot of group activities or go on some prolonged self makeover for weeks leading up to an event. I couldn't deal with the possibility of someone analyzing my body and thinking negatively. I know how girls think, I didn't want to be the victim of someone's negative thought process! I feel like I already have lost a lot of fun years due to my self absorbed mentality. I got married young (19) and my husband is super supportive and wonderful. He married me when I was thinner, yet less shapely, but has never said an ill word against my body, even through 3 babies. I don't feel like I have ever been "fat" but I can sure feel disgusting sometimes. Even when I go through my seasons of feeling chubby and sub-par he is complimentary. This sounds like your boyfriend too. At some point you just have to will yourself to an "eyes out" mentality and to accept the compliments when they come. You will have to train yourself and find some tools to help you do that. My husband would get frustrated with me when I couldn't just say "thank you" after his compliments and it made him mad I coudln't appreciate myself the way he saw me. I too have the small boob problem (hey-if we're gonna get it all out on the table I'll be candid too!) so I have felt the exact same way about feeling like the rest of my body has to be flippin perfect to make up for that. There comes a time when you just need to accept you for you. Be happy with the body God blessed you with and be the best steward of it you can. Even if you can't FEEL this way-fake it until it becomes you. Everytime you get the negative self-talk find a way to flip the switch. Feed yourself your own compliments until you believe it. Don't sweat the small stuff...and really..its all small stuff. Its not worth it. you'll lose a lot of time and experiences you wished you'd just relaxed through.

As for what I did that helped-I still am very into fitness and last year began doing triathlons to get back to competition. I echo what Flyinfree said about the shift in focus. Instead of counting the calories and analyzing what you look like in the mirror get busy with an event or goal. It will do wonders for your self esteem and motivation and before you know it you will find the goal is no longer the image, its the health of it all. Its the accomplishment of doing things you didn't think you could. That alone will become satisfying and your body will then become important to you as tool to accomplish things, not a trophy to be perfected.

In some ways this may always be a struggle which is why it is so important to find those tools to help you become more confident NOW. Women in our society are fed a lot of garbage that makes most of us feel like we hardly ever measure up. Its all bogus. Most of it isn't even real anyway.

I applaud you for posting your feelings so openly. I'm sure that wasn't easy knowing you'd get unpredictable feedback. Believe in yourself, care for yourself and find something thats motivating and challenging for yourself, it will make a difference!
 
Sparrow,
You just gave gymchica the best advice anyone ever could! You go girl! May God Bless you in all your efforts!
Franklin McQuaid
 
I agree with McQuaid. Awesome advice sparrow.

My advice can be done on a paper in your house. Write down all your thankful for, and put it somewhere you can see it each day. You have a hundred reasons of unhappiness about your body, yet I bet you can think of a million reasons to be happy.
 
A couple of thoughts:
1. would you love your BF any less if he gained 5 pounds? would you like any of your girl friends any less if they gained 5 pounds? Of course not! Anybody who would like you any less because you gained a few pounds or your stomach wasn't flat enough would not be a good freind anyways and should be avoided...
2. A lot of our self image is developed before we are 3 years of age, based on how nurturing our parents are. Being a parent is an awsome responsibilty, beyond what most of us comprehends. At every stage in a childs development there is a delicate balance of nurturing and discipline that, if slightly unbalanced, can result in feelings of being unloved and unlovable! Unfortunately there is no manual on how to raise a child and most parents do the best they can with little knowledge of what they are doing. Depending on how your parents handled nurturing you as a baby, alowing you to differnetiate at a pre-teen and supporting you through puberty you could have deep psychological feelings of being unloved and unloveable. First, remember almost everybody has similar feelings to some degree, unless their parents, family and peers were all perfect during their entire upbringing. If you have these feelings more than usual then it might be a good idea to seek professional help. There is no sin in asking for help from a teached, professor, boss, mentor, coucelor, clegyman. psychiatrist, etc...
 
I think the problem you're having is with the diet mentality and you are basing your body on a imaginary societal norm. It sounds like your case is a classic in where you believe weight is what defines you. It's almost like a paradox: you believe you're fine at the weight you are, but losing more couldn't hurt you, but if you gain, then you lost the battle.

In all, I recommend the following book for you:
Intuitive Eating: A Recovery Book For The Chronic Dieter; Rediscover The Pleasures Of Eating And Rebuild Your Body Image by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch.

It's a very good book. It was recommended to me by another forum member. I read it recently with the very same problem you're having. I've found it was the diet mentality that really got to me. After reading the book, not only did I feel a lot better about myself, I also started enjoying myself a lot more and not constantly worried about calories or food. Not that I've fully recovered yet - since it's only been about a couple of weeks since I've read the book - but overall, week by week, I'm getting better and no longer having constant worries about food and weight.

BTW, I'm a guy who read the book, but overall, the book seems to be aiming for women. Also, the book isn't a "fat acceptance" book like some reviews put it out. If anything, it is giving very good advices that will really help you out.
 
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Also, you should note that no matter where you go in life, someone will always tell you something about your body. Whether it's from an ad in a magazine, or someone telling you face-to-face, someone will always have something negative, and positive to say about you. The good thing to do is not to ignore compliments, but rather accept it.

For example, if someone says,

"Wow, you look great today."

You say to them, "Thank you." And in your mind, you think, "Yeah, today I wore that shirt I found hidden in the closet for years and I never knew it fit and now I'm getting compliments for it."

If someone says,

"You look like you could lose some fat around the arm."

You say, "I really like the way my arms look, and you have no right to tell me what I should or should not do." And in your mind you think, "Man, what a total ***. I'm going to totally forget that statement now, and concentrate on what I was doing previous to being told that statement."

And if you're eating something and someone says,

"Whoa, you are eating cheese with that? Aren't you worried you'll get fat?"

You'll say, "Thanks for the tip." And in your mind you think, "This person has no idea what he's talking about. I forgot to drink milk this morning, and I need some calcium for the day, and this cheese will really help in that. I don't have to worry about how many calories or fat grams it has because I know one cheese isn't going to make me fat."
 
Wow thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate it. :)

tonymcclellan said:
Since you're opening up, could you list all the good things in your life right now. Everything that you can think of that is positive.
Click to expand...


I have a great boyfriend.
I'm about to graduate college with a near 4.0 gpa in June.
Awesome New Year's Eve party to go to tonight.
I look GREAT in my New Year's Eve dress :)
I worked out 5 days a week my entire winter break.
I have a lot of friends and a great social life as long as I utilize it.
My family is healthy and doing very well at the moment.

Chillen- Thanks for the links. I'm going to check them out as soon as I'm done with this! And I definitely agree that it is all in my head. Everyone tells me I'm fine and look great, but there is always something inside me telling me that I don't look as good as I could. It's almost as if not looking as good as possible is failing in my opinion. I have extreme perfectionist tendencies in a lot of things I do so I think that comes into play A LOT.

Flyinfree- I think actually doing something and having a goal other than getting the best body possible would be extremely helpful. In fact I did start doing that at the very end of this past summer. I decided that once school started again, I was just going to focus on maintaining my weight so I could really enjoy my last year at school. I decided I was going to start training to run races (starting with a 5k to eventually one day a marathon) so that I would have a goal other than weight loss. I bought running shoes and got really into it. I worked myself up to 4 miles and then I got injured. I'm VERY prone to injury from running so I took about a month off and started going back to the gym instead. I maintained a weight of 118 for 2 months and was very proud of myself bc I've never attempted to maintain before. By the time I wanted to start running again, it was very cold outside. I also found out about my spring break trip so my mind immediately returned to weight loss mode. Since then I lost about 5-6 lbs and haven't run at all. I want to start again in the summer though. I need to go to a actual running store that will fit me for the best shoes for my foot. I also need to find places to run other than concrete sidewalks. I'm still really scared of injuring myself again. Two years ago I got peroneal tendonitis and then about 3 months later I found out I had a broken bone in my foot. It was awful.

Sparrow- Thanks for a women's input. I think that is great you've started doing triatholons. That is actually something I think I'd be very interested in doing. As I responded to Flyinfree, I did start training to run some distance events, but got injured and then sidetracked. Once I graduate in June, I think it'd be a really good time to start focusing on those type of activities again. Sometimes I do think all I'm searching for is a sense of accomplishment. There is nothing that I am specifically good at. All my friends have something they doing very well. My thing seems to be working out and eating healthy, but the only thing I have to show for that is the way my body looks. It can be very defeating especially bc I see people all the time who don't do anything that look better than me. Finishing an event such as a triatholon would give me a strong sense of accomplishment and a definite feeling that the hardwork paid off. Also I'm definitely going to start trying to complement MYSELF more. I've always heard things like look in the mirror in the morning and say 3 nice things about the way you look, etc. Also writing positive things about yourself down. I just never though that it could make a difference so I never tried. It makes sense though bc every day I look in the mirror and think negative thoughts about myself and now I can see what type of person it's made me become.

Philsaigon- Thanks :) (gotta start accepting those compliments haha)

dswithers- I don't think it's so much my parents as it was kids at school, etc. When I was in middle school I weighed over 150 lbs (only remember weighing myself one random time and it was a little more than 150). I had frizzy hair and was EXTREMELY shy. Middle school was some of the worst years of my life. I had friends, but still got made fun of and no boys liked me at all. Starting in middle school it got engraved in my brain that if I was skinnier, people would like me more. In high school I started looking better, but was still very shy and people still weren't always nice. I really wanted to be skinnier, but I was not as obsessed with it then as I am not. I didn't work out regulary and I NEVER counted calories. College is where I started getting a little obsessive. All the girls were so skinny and pretty. I started agonizing over the way I looked. I even started developing an eating disorder after being in school for only a couple of months (not really an issue anymore). I've grown and become a lot smarter since then, but I'm still chasing this feeling that my life would be so much better if I was thinner. I get so stressed out sometimes about losing weight. I always think if I could just get to my goal I would only have to worrry about maintaining it, and my life would be so much less stressful, easier, and more enjoyable.

Dallen- Thanks for the advice. I will definitely check that book out :)
 
gymchica said:
I have a great boyfriend.
I'm about to graduate college with a near 4.0 gpa in June.
Awesome New Year's Eve party to go to tonight.
I look GREAT in my New Year's Eve dress :)
I worked out 5 days a week my entire winter break.
I have a lot of friends and a great social life as long as I utilize it.
My family is healthy and doing very well at the moment.​

I've grown and become a lot smarter since then, but I'm still chasing this feeling that..

my life would be so much ' better ' if I was thinner.

I get so stressed out sometimes about losing weight. I always think if I could just get to my goal I would only have to worrry about maintaining it, and..

my life would be so much ' less stressful, easier, and more enjoyable. '
Click to expand...

Sorry, I'm sure it's just me ...but I'm not grasping the issue very easily I'm afraid.

In light of those 7 ' positive ' points you listed above, can you elaborate on how your life would be ......

- better
- less stressful
- easier
- more enjoyable​


...if you were ' thinner ' ?

What would be happening in your life that isn't already happening in your life right now if - in fact - you were actually thinner ?

How would you life change day to day - in real terms - if you were thinner ?

Do you have any examples of what would change ?
 
I think issues with body image are simply just a symptom of another problem.

Most of us feel inadequate in many ways. Sometimes it's too painful to acknowledge the real thing you feel inadequate about, so you may pick something external like your body to fixate on and find fault in.

I'll use myself as an example. I used to think my breasts were small and inadequate. I thought it was the reason I had so much bad luck with men. Really, it was just an easy thing to find fault in. It was very superficial. I knew that my real problem was my shyness, but I was too afraid to tackle that so I focused on something superficial like breast size.

Then somehow I realized that no one needs DDs to attract a man and that mine were just fine. I really felt inadequate about my social skills.

It's really up to you to look into what's not working in your life besides your weight. I really think fixation on body image is just a symptom of another control problem in one's life.
 
It sounds like she's having a life long battle with weight. Her stories of her childhood times seem to indicate that she became obsessed with the idea that weight is the determination of a healthy (and liked) individual. Middle school can be a harsh time in one's life and a place where you find your status in the social line. Even more so, during her college time, it seems like this was further obsessed with calories counting and probably various other determination and comparisons to other bodies.

I think at some point, if you cannot stop thinking about weight, calories, and the likes, is to see a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders and recovery. I agree that in most cases, the obsession on weight and body image is a sign that a deeper problem exists; it probably extends back to home life and middle school. Only you can come out of it, if you decide to get help.
 
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Wrangell said:
Sorry, I'm sure it's just me ...but I'm not grasping the issue very easily I'm afraid.

In light of those 7 ' positive ' points you listed above, can you elaborate on how your life would be ......

- better
- less stressful
- easier
- more enjoyable​


...if you were ' thinner ' ?

What would be happening in your life that isn't already happening in your life right now if - in fact - you were actually thinner ?

How would you life change day to day - in real terms - if you were thinner ?

Do you have any examples of what would change ?
Click to expand...

If I were thinner, I THINK that I would feel a lot more confident, would be able to wear whatever I wanted without feeling fat, and wouldn't stress out so much about how much I eat or work out. These are the things that stress me out the most, and I just wish I didn't have to worry so much about it because then I could focus more on other aspects of my life.

Spicypumpkin- I agree. I stated before that I don't feel as if I'm good at anything. All my friends seem to have their special thing that almost defines them, and I just don't have anything special about myself. My one thing that differentiates myself from practically all of my friends is that I work out a lot and am very interested in nutrition and fitness. I put in a lot of hardwork and made a lot of sacrifices, but I just don't think it shows the way it should. It makes me feel like I'm a failure and not good at anything since I can't even accomplish the one thing I've been trying to for so long. Accepting myself for the way I am is almost like giving up in my opinion. I want people to look at me and be able to tell that I'm very active and have worked very hard. All my friends have a way to show off their acheivements and talents except for myself, and it can be very hard to deal with at times. That is why I think focusing myself on training for a specific event could really help, but the timing is just not right at the moment. It's as if I'm always striving to prove myself, but I don't even know to whom or what I'm trying to prove.

Dallen- I would have to say if this continues for awhile once I get out of school, I'd consider seeing someone who specializes in this type of thing although I really hope it doesn't get to that point. Sometimes just talking about it and recognizing it as I am right now helps out. My goal for this upcoming year is to get as far away from this negative mentality I have about myself. I actually think getting out of school will help a lot.

Thanks again for the replies people. I can't really talk about this type of thing with people I know because by now people are just annoyed by me and this subject. They don't and probably never will understand.
 
Well I wish you the best of luck in your quest for fitness - both mentally and physically. The inner voices inside your head can be a powerful ally or a dreaded enemy. It's hard to deal with the cards given to you, but I think with age and wisdom, you will find that the cards dealt can win no matter how bad you may think it is.
 
gymchica said:
Wow thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate it. :)


I have a great boyfriend.
I'm about to graduate college with a near 4.0 gpa in June.
Awesome New Year's Eve party to go to tonight.
I look GREAT in my New Year's Eve dress :)
I worked out 5 days a week my entire winter break.
I have a lot of friends and a great social life as long as I utilize it.
My family is healthy and doing very well at the moment.

:)
Click to expand...

Small list. How about: You were able to attend college. Your boyfriend loves you. Hes very supportive. You have a family who loves you. You're about to graduate college, something many people dont do. You're surrounded by people who care about you.

These are ony things based off of what you said. Compare that to "sometimes I dont think I look good." I say sometimes because you thought you looked great in your dress.
 
gymchica your height and bodyweight seem fine and you got a boyfriend and he says you look good :confused: your really scared of showing your body on a beach? seems like your contradicting yourself by saying you see friends and you know they are fatter then you yet they look better then you ? is it the shape of your body that you dont like :confused: I have the same kind of thing but more of a shy problem where i feel if i talk to some one they will most the time think i am an idiot and judge me badly :( this is the reason why i got so heavily into being fit and looking good so i can get passed this problem and have the confidence i always wanted :)
 
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