Hi Everyone

W

Water-holic

New member
Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Doug and earlier this year my world came crashing down. As a result I made some pretty significant life changes and one of them was my decision to get in shape. I am 6' tall and weighed 265 lbs for about a year. I have always been the big guy as a kid and throughout most of my life. I am 28 now and since about the beginning of March I have lost 40 lbs (down to 225lbs) so far and still plan on going quite a bit further. At my heaviest I weighed 295 lbs(a little over a year ago) and at my lightest (around the end of high school beginning of college) I got down to 165. But over the years I put that all and more back on. I plan on putting some before and current pics in the appropriate section of this forum very soon, as I know I already look a lot better, but the weight isn't coming off as fast, and I figured this place will help me stay motivated.

From what I have read so far, this seems to be a very encouraging and supportive place to be. I look forward to meeting everyone.
 
Hi Doug,

That's a ton of weight loss in two months!! Nice job, I know it's hard to hit a plateau and feel like you should keep going, but you lost so much in these first two months i bet you're body is just now catching up.

I'm new too...trying to figure out what's going to work best for me.

hopefully see you around!
 
Hi WH,

Welcome, thankyou for your welcome too...looking forward to sharing journeys and motivations with you :hurray:
 
:waving: Hi and Welcome!
Congrats on wanting to take charge of your life. Isn't it funny how it takes us hitting rock bottom before we wake up and get smacked with reality?
Stay Positive and Push hard for the goal! Best of luck to ya!
 
Hi and Welcome!
Congrats on wanting to take charge of your life. Isn't it funny how it takes us hitting rock bottom before we wake up and get smacked with reality?
Stay Positive and Push hard for the goal! Best of luck to ya!
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Hi Superfox. Your words are so true. I am realizing now that my old lifestyle didn't make me happy. I thought I was, but I guess I was just content. I want to be happy and I know its possible.

Thanks for the kind words everyone.
 
I'm exactly in that same boat. My old lifestyle/habits I thought were making me happy but something was always missing. Then when the course of your life changes and shifts you off auto pilot, you take a step back, analyze what happened and you start to see the big picture.

Just changing my mindset alone has made a huge impact on how I see life and myself. I realized loathing about it is not going to get me anywhere but in a pit of despair. So here I am ready to face reality and take off the bulge.

If you need encouragement, I got your back :)
 
Hi again Superfox and thanks for being there if/when I need you :)

I am still kind of a mess from losing the girl of my dreams, but I know that what I am doing for myself is the right thing. Unfortunately though, mentally, I am down. I can't get happy. I have tried but I guess it's just something that will come with time. But thanks for the support, and I am here for you too if you ever need to chat or vent.
 
Ahhh, the relationship mess. It's been about a month for me and my break up and what I do know for a fact is... It will get better!!!! (With time) Everyday is a new day and it’s hard but you have to focus.

Don't let another person get in the way of your happiness!!! Sure it SUCKS but YOU ultimately control how you want to feel. You’re gaining a new start and life with YOURSELF! Bravo to that!! It’s called a Breakup because it’s broken. So nothing you say or do can change what already happened but you can change what happens next. That means don’t sweat it and it’s time to focus on you.

Hmm. Let’s see, what got me through my tough times were:
Working Out, Being around Positive People, Music, Writing in a Journal, Books, I know you’re a guy but cry if you have too! The last time I cried, I gave myself the worst headache on the planet that I scared myself from ever crying again (lol) and since then I haven’t.

Don’t allow yourself to be in that pit of despair, take my hand and I’ll pull you out :)
 
Water-holic said:
Hi again Superfox and thanks for being there if/when I need you :)

I am still kind of a mess from losing the girl of my dreams, but I know that what I am doing for myself is the right thing. Unfortunately though, mentally, I am down. I can't get happy. I have tried but I guess it's just something that will come with time. But thanks for the support, and I am here for you too if you ever need to chat or vent.
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dude i was in the same boat a few months ago. it gets better with time man... I still feel scarred. But life goes on, theres otha fish in the sea :)
 
Thanks SuperFox and RJAZ520. It's funny all of the things you mentioned Superfox
Working Out, Being around Positive People, Music, Writing in a Journal, Books, I know you’re a guy but cry if you have too!
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I've done them all. Some times they help other times they make things worse. I still cry (I have always been a sensitive guy :) )

And I know there's other fish in the sea, but I'm still stuck on my ex. It's a tough situation.. We work together and play Everquest (an online game) somewhat together, so I still see her all of the time. We are trying to split our dog which will keep us in contact too.

I blamed myself for 3 months thinking my addiction was the reason for her leaving, but I think it was only a portion of it. She has admitted that she has problems and needs to work on herself. She has been so inconsitent lately and even told me that we will never get back together... but we can still have very good conversations and even though we fight a lot more now than we ever did when we were together, we always cool off and try to work on friendship in the end. That along with her inconsistancies in the last 3+ months, leads me to believe she does still care a lot about me. I know I treated her good, but wasnt always what she needed because of my addiction. I just feel like there is still hope. It's always me talking about getting back together that drives her away, so since we have to talk so much I am just trying to not do that anymore. I want to think that if I can be her friend then she might eventually be willing to give it another go. I know it's not healthy for me to wait around on that, but quite frankly I am not ready to date anyone else. I've tried, but I am not over my ex and it gets in the way. I really found what I was looking for with this woman (and it turned out, it wasn't exactly what I thought I was looking for). The only time I am happy though now is when we talk, when we don't talk or I don't see her for a couple of days I get down.

Thanks for the encouragement though. It's nice to talk to others in a similar boat.

And hey, Loosing weight and getting in shape can only help with what I want right :)
 
Thanks for sharing Doug!

My 2 cents:

I worry though, i mean i'm in the same boat as far as the whole relationship thing. But it seems to me that you need to not think about the idea of getting back together with her, because if you keep that in your mind you'll have to relieve the breakup again and again whenever she rejects you. I'm not saying friendship shouldn't happen but right now it's not good for you with her. It's selfish for her to want to be friends still knowing you have feelings for her. It's a way of controlling you. It's a way for her to get attention she enjoys without any strings of a relationship--it's unfair to you. It's so much easier to say this to someone else, but i'm telling you try to put as much distance as possible. At this point it's clear you are not ready to just be friends.

I haven't spoken to my ex in over a month and no texting since the start of the month. I have yet to go a day without thinking about him; but it's better and slowly i feel happy without him.
 
Hi PEC, I knew that was coming.. and really I don't blame you. I know it's not good for me, but really, I don't see a lot of alternatives. Unfortunately because of my addiction, i have pretty much cut out all of my friends (well, aquaintences, dealers, etc....) I really only have 2 people I would consider as my friends and they still indulge, and both have families so the only time they can get out of the house, they want to party. I am not to a point where I can be around that yet. I have tried, and I can't do it. I didn't give in when I hung around them, but I was more miserable then being at home alone because I wanted to give in. Hell, I want to give in because it will help me forget about my ex (at least for a while). But it's not worth it. I don't want to live like that anymore. I have realized a lot since getting clean and 2 of the things I have realized are; 1) I have not dealt with a real problem since I was 14. I got high and forgot about or avoided all of my problems, and 2) Other than when I was with my ex, I don't think I have truely been happy since I was 14. I think I was content, but not happy. I even think that had something to do with my weight, I settled on being content with my weight, but never was actually happy with it.

So, other than people on-line, I have no friends to hang out with, noone to go and get out of the house with. Just the dog, and in a couple of weeks, my ex gets her appartment and I will be without the dog 50% of the time (I'm not looking forward to that). Everyone at my work has at least 15 years on me and they all have families so there is noone to hang out with from work. And other than bars (where i have no desire to be at the moment) I really don't know of a place where I can go alone and still have conversation and meet people. So, my ex is kind of all I have. We don't really hang out outside of work or the game at this point unless she comes over to see the dog. But we have discussed it. She is happy for me for getting clean and for loosing weight and she has agreed that after some time passes she will go out and celebrate with me by having dinner or something. She has also agreed that once we get to that point, we can go out and do something fun or just go out to eat if we are both sitting home alone and bored, basically start hanging out. But the fact that I work with her makes things the hardest. I have to talk to her at work, and we both smoke (ya, that habbits my next one to kick...) so I see her outside during my lunch break. When there is tension between us, I can't handle it at work.. I hate it, I am a genuinely friendly person too, so having tension where I have to deal with the person all day drives me insane. And as stupid as this may sound, a lot of the reason why she is so important to me is because I would not be clean or loosing weight if it wasn't for her leaving. When she left I thought it was stricktly because of my addiction (she had asked me to stop the entire week leading up to her moving out).. and when she was packing I told her I was done with the drug and that was the only moment she paused to think about things... but she just kept packing. So that day was the last day I did it. In my mind I thought I could give up one or the other (the addiction, or her) and after a few weeks, I realized I could survive without the addiction. I didn't think I could do anything without being high until then. That was the moment I realized I needed to do it for myself and not for her, but I would have never gotten to that point without her. I had tried to quit before and others had tried to get me to quit, but I never could. So, she is important to me for those reasons (along with so many other reasons), I feel like in a way she saved me, even though I am more miserable now than I had ever been. It does get a little easier each day, but it's still hard.

So, those are my reasons for staying in contact. Its hard, but I haven't found a good alternative yet. I know its messed up. Keep in touch.
 
Be careful man staying in contact is not healthy. I'm no psychologist but I heard that it takes 6 months of no contact to get over someone. Having those thoughts cloud your mind is dangerous depression is no joke. Male sure you have an outlet. And make sure you talk about it. Check out meetup.com for groups in ur area that share similar interests you can hang out with to keep ur mind off things . Fitness and physical activity is a great thing to help during these times. Make goals to do things you have never done before and works towards them. Since my ex dumped me. I've took up rock climbing. And gotinto trying out parkour. Keep ya head up
 
Ok... I'm going to try and be as gentle as I can but you may need a reality smack again!!! You are making up a ton of excuses and not giving yourself any credit. A breakup is as hard as you want to make it. Does she still care or love you? OF COURSE she does. You two have invested years together. But she has decided that the relationship is not what she wants. If you love her, give her that space so she can find clarity. You can only find clarity when you remove yourself from the other person or else your mind will be confused and clouded. You want someone to be with you because it’s what they really want not because you are pressuring them with guilt or simply because they are confused. Don’t set yourself up for false hope. If she really wanted to be with you she would make an effort to try. You both need time apart from each other. When you talk to her, even if it is for a little bit it gives you a happy rush and it feels good but as soon as the conversation ends or she doesn’t respond the way you want her to, POP! It’s gone and you feel even worse!! Now you’re back at square one. It is not worth it! To start healing, you need to cut all communication! When you want to avoid someone, you make it happen. The working together is just an excuse you made up to get close to her or to fool yourself in believing it is impossible. It’s Possible! You may think she saved you but she only opened your eyes. Ultimately you saved yourself so don’t give her credit for that. YOU made the choice. If she was the woman of your dreams and you two belong together, you would not be heartbroken. I’m sorry but it’s OVER!

After you cut communication, start working on yourself on the inside. You need to deal with the problems you’ve avoided. If you feel you can’t do it on your own, it’s ok to seek counseling. It won’t make you any less of a person. Some of my friends have been in counseling and said it was a great experience. You shouldn’t be in any relationship right now but with yourself. This is a time to find out or remember who you are, where you want to be and make it all about you. You do not need someone to make you feel complete. Rely on yourself!!!! Stop blaming yourself. It takes two in a relationship. Whether or not you think it was because of what you did, it was done and it cannot be re-written. Live your life looking ahead, not behind!!

My sister passed down a book to me that everyone who goes through a breakup should read. It’s for women but from reading it, I think it is beneficial to all genders. It’s titled “It’s called a Breakup because it’s Broken”. I highly recommend it! FYI: My user name Superfox comes from it?. Love puts us in a position where we are the most vulnerable. To share your life experiences with someone only to have them turn around and reject you seems like they are laughing in your face. It hurts, I know. Just remember at the end of the day, I’d rather be by myself than with someone who cannot give me 100%.

A Warning: You will feel tension when you are in the process of containing your feelings. You'll probably want relief from the tension because you'll actually be uncomfortable. This discomfort will drive you to want to call her, because what you want is immediate gratification from the release of tension. Remember, the anguish and pain you may have to go through if she rejects you, or you don't get the response you yearn for. It’s not worth it!

Stay Strong!!!
 
Thanks for the comments RJAZ520 and Superfox. Like I said, I know all of this is mentally unhealthy for me, but at the same time, no contact is just not an option, it's not possible. When I say we work together, I don't just mean in the same company, i mean we physically have to work with each other. She does all of my shipping. So I have to go and work directly with her typically several times a day. And the dog thing... We have made a promise with each other that we will share the dog, not use him against the other person, and not restrict the other from 50% of the time with him. I know... you'll probably say, just give her the dog... Thats not going to happen. I am attached to him. He has been with me since the breakup because she has been living at her moms temporarily and he has been there for me through the toughest time of my life when it felt like nobody else was. I am attached to him. I have always been a dog person, so just cutting him out of my life is not an option. So with those 2 points in mind, cutting off all contact is not possible. Sometimes I wish I could, and sometimes it is nice to be able to talk with her, although you're probably right, it's an unhealthy nice feeling. I have at least been not going out of my way to contact her, but the contact is there, and it probably will be for a long time. She may eventually get another job, but I myself can't afford to just quit my job. I make pretty good money and don't have my degree yet, and there is no other companies around here where my experience would get me as good of a job. This is the only company of its kind in the area. It's a fairly specialized field.

I know where you guys are coming from though, and i know your looking out for whats best for me, and I appreciate that, but its a weird situation, and no contact is not possible. Hell, my sponsor tells me the same things all of the time. I'm going to check out meetup.com tonight and see what thats all about. I am getting back into RC airplanes this year (I haven't flown them in close to 15 years) so I am looking forward to that. It's fun, but I imagine if it's like it was when I was younger, I'll just be hanging around a lot of people that are close to or past retirement, so not in my age range. But it's still fun.

Ya, for the first month after the breakup, I called her and talked to her about us at work constantly. It drove her further away. I was lonely... not just from missing her, but having noone around, noone to do things with when I was getting clean. I know I screwed up there, but lately I don't go out of my way to contact her. Just keep her updated on the dog. He got really sick a few weeks back after she took him out of town for a weekend, and then last week he ate a DVD from netflix. But the truth is I do miss her, and it's been hard getting over that. I am making progress though... but fortunatley/unfortunately I will have to communicate with her almost every day, and i don't see that possibly going away any time soon. Thanks again for looking out for me, I know you all care, even when it hurts to hear it.
 
OK

You now know our opinions on you having contact with your ex.

Do you ever take your dog to a dog park? Or you could try a dog lesson (intermediate or something if your dog has good skills already) That way you could meet other dog owner that might want to go on dog walks together.

I bet(hope) you'll find once you have some new friends that it isn't so much of her you are missing, more of the being alone thing.

Which DVD did your dog eat?
 
Hi PEC,

ya I know your oppinions on contact with the ex, but hopefully you all can understand or agree with me that no contact is impossible in my situation.

I haven't done the dog park yet but have actually been thinking about taking him there. I am also thinking about taking him hiking this weekend for a couple of hours.

I totally agree with you that social interaction will help me. I am lonely. Ya there is a lot about my ex I miss, but I am just gennerally lonely too and think any social interaction that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol will be beneficial.

Which DVD did your dog eat?
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He ate the Batman Dark Knight. I was so pissed. I didn't get to watch it. But i ended up finding most of the pieces over the weekend so I don't think he actually consumed any of it. Just destroyed it. lol
 
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