Hey guys it’s been awhile.

Hey Raelee, you look good!

I went back and read some of your old posts, where are you today? Have you made progress? Do you still b/p?

I assume you are probably back because you want to change something, am I right?
 
Well I am actually not back to change anything, I just wanted to make an update on my body. According to my doctor I’m actually losing too much weight and she wants me to gain weight. I’ve always been in the normal weight range, although as I’m going to drastic measures to lose weight, I’m starting to get underweight. I came home for Christmas break and checked to see how much I weigh and was quite surprised. It was a lot lower than I expected. I pretty much just eat one small meal a day or fast for 1-2 days in a row. I ended up in the hospital recently because of it and they said I have anorexia. So ya, I guess that’s the update.

(I’ve always wondered, what does b/p mean? I’ve never asked and the internet won’t tell me. Please don’t hate me for not knowing that).
 
Well, you do look good, and if your doc thinks you need to gain some weight you probably do.

b/p - binge/purge, bulimia, which I believe you said you suffered from in an old post.

Best of luck to you!
 
Yes, I used to be bulimic. Although during a relapse my junior year of high school, I started only restricting calories and stopped binging. Sometimes I purge every once in awhile, but not often. I purged like twice within the last several months, so it’s a rarity.
 
If I eat something that I feel guilty for or only ate it because people really pressured me to, all I want to do is feel like I have an empty stomach. It can be very addictive and do it because the anxiety just wants to be released and acted upon. Or sometimes I have done it before I’m ready to check the scale because I want the number as low as possible so I do all this preparation for things to do before checking. It’s really complicated and I understand that it’s not healthy and not effective for getting rid of calories. The only reason I have stopped doing it for the most part is because I’m a singer and don’t want to damage my vocal cords. It’s more a mental issue than a physical one, so please don’t explain to me why it’s so terrible.
 
Raelee said:
so please don’t explain to me why it’s so terrible
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No chance of that, I didn't mean to be judgmental, I was honestly curious. I know very little about purging or bulimia. Thanks for your honest answer. I have done things to myself that are actually terrible. I have binged heavily for years, and believe me I have tried to purge, but can't do it. Instead I got real fat.

So another question if you don't mind, you have said your weight has been in the healthy range, so why the concern about losing weight?

I am someone who has been a whole lot overweight most of his life. I know it sounds superficial, but it is hard for me not to envy someone like you, and be surprised to know you aren't entirely happy being there. No judgement, just curiosity. An anonymous place like this seems a safe one to ask questions in.
 
A couple things. Being skinny does not make someone happy, finding life’s purpose is what helps to create happiness. Also, It’s only is healthy if you do healthy things to get there. Skinny and healthy are not always the same. I hope that health is your ultimate goal to take care of your body because if it’s just to lose weight and look good, chances are it won’t last and it will never be enough.
Secondly, I don’t need a support forum to lose weight and that’s not even a super big goal of mine. I’m not entirely unhappy or happy with my body, I just happen to struggle with an eating disorder that is mostly a mental battle. It has a lot more to it than just weight loss. That’s simply a symptom of something tremendous in my life that is hard to explain. Eating disorders are more about a reaction to life stressors that make someone feel out of control (it’s kinda like another form of self harm or addiction).
Also, I do not recommend purging. It is not healthy for the body in several ways. It can become addictive and also, very very ineffective for losing weight or getting rid of calories. By the time food is eaten, the body already absorbs almost all of the calories that it won’t make a difference if you throw it up, it just makes you dehydrated and deal with soreness in the throat, cause damage to esophagus and mess with electrolyte levels that could cause really scary things to happen. It’s actually a myth that purging is what causes weight loss in people with eating disorders. Its just an added symptom, but calorie restriction is what causes the majority of weight loss and also excessive exercise.

I don’t really know why I’m still on here. I don’t need support in losing weight. I guess it’s just fun for the eating disorder to see what others think of my body, super unhealthy I know. Also, I realize you’re not being judgemental. I really appreciate your curiosity. I just have dealt with a lot of people who say triggering things out of ignorance or simply misunderstanding and I like to explain it before the questions come up. So many misconceptions about EDs which can get frustrating.
 
Thanks for your honest answers Raylee, I learned a lot.

One is that it seems eating disorders have many faces. I hope you stick around, it is nice to have an intelligent open person to communicate with.

I am sure I won't take up purging, I agree its not a great idea, but I just can't do it physically. I did not realize that it wasn't a great way to get rid of calories, I just assumed it was.
 
Thanks for posting, Raelee - those are really interesting and important insights, which resonate pretty broadly, I think, not just in those with clinically classified eating disorders. I have wondered myself if my more recent drive to be more fit and bring my weight down a bit is, partly at least, driven by my feeling unhappy that there's so much about which I feel powerless (political things in my own country and others, but I don't want to talk politics here) that I am seizing on one thing about which I can feel in control.

Also - this is a site for weight loss and fitness! :) So there's plenty of reason for people to be here who don't need to lose weight, or people who have already lost and are working on maintaining it. Go, all of us! :hurray:
 
Thanks for everyone’s replies.

I had a conversation with my mom earlier today and apparently she is really worried about me and how I’m always losing weight and starting to look a little too skinny. Currently on the very low end of healthy BMI which for my body type is not really where I should be. My set point weight is about 15 lbs heavier than where I’m at right now, so I’m gradually gaining some weight as I’m starting to eat more of my meals. In the last week I’ve gained 6 lbs just from water weight, but I have to keep going (those 6 are not included in the 15 more I have to gain). So ya, that’s where I’m at right now. I never thought I’d have this problem. When I was bulimic, my weight was never an issue even though I always felt fat. It was exactly where it needed to be.

I have a hard time seeing a problem with my health and what I do to my body. I honestly think I’m fine. But apparently I’m not. I’ll need to get back into therapy pretty soon.
 
Have you spoken to a doctor or professional about what your weight should be? Maybe you are ok where you are.
 
It could be fine. But it’s also a lot less than what my set point weight is. By eating enough and getting my body healthy, I’m probably going to naturally gain weight... still in the healthy range. But I’m going to see a dietician pretty soon.

It is actually not common for people to have a set point that is at 18.5 or 19. For MOST (including myself), the body naturally goes to BMI of 21 ish when eating enough and keeping myself healthy. I’ll see what the dietician says, but it may not be my choice to stay at this weight if I want to heal my relationship with food and learn to eat enough. My body gets to decide what it’s happy at.
 
Hey Raelee, how's it going?
 
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