Here we go *again*

Thanks, Blancita! I understand what you mean about not always having to stick to the boring 'diet' food, but I think I need to work at breaking some of my bad habits first.

Not that I'm doing a good job at that *at all* today. I started off *so* well. 158 calories for breakfast and it was something I liked. But then me and Isaac (that's my 4 year old) went shopping. So who calls while we're out? Jason (that's my hunny). He wanted me and Isaac to meet him for pizza for lunch since I wasn't at work. How could I say no? I couldn't. So we went to this pizza place here that's a buffet. It's actually the *least* greasy pizza I've ever eaten. The crust is all hand tossed and not soaked in any kind of oil. Makes the pizza kinda dry but much better for you, I'm sure. But I really messed up. I think I had 5 slices (but not the crusts at the end)... and then I ate the toppings off 2 more slices... and then I had a (tangerine-sized) sticky bun :banghead:

I *can't* believe I did that. I'm an idiot. I had all these good intentions and look what I did. How can I salvage the day now? By skipping dinner? That can't be good for me. I don't know. I'm *so* mad at myself now.
 
So I think I just wanted to punish myself. I wanted to see just how bad I really messed up at the pizza place. So I logged onto their website and checked out the nutrition info. I was pleasantly surprised. It was only about 168 calories per slice. 6 slices is still *ridiculous* but it could have been *so* much worse. Oh, and the sticky bun was only 139 calories-- that was a real shocker. So I entered it into my sparkpeople nutrition tracker and actually found myself still within my daily allowance (under 1500). But then I remembered that I drank some dr pepper at the pizza joint. That put me up at 1600 for the day. And I haven't had dinner. :(

So I'm still sad that if I eat anything for dinner at all tonight then I'll be way over my limit. But I'm happy to see that I'm not *already* at twice my limit like I thought I was.

So I guess I just have to learn from this experience. I think it's best if I really just steer clear of any buffets. But sometimes I know I will have to go to them (all the ladies from work are having dinner at a buffet for xmas) so I better think of a game plan for future use.

Anyway, I dunno if I'm in a better mood or not. Maybe I'm just a little bit relieved.

Oh, and as a side thought-- I tried some Crystal Light for the first time today. I always thought I would hate it cause artificial sweeteners just leave a nasty aftertaste with me, but I liked it pretty good. So that's a good way for me to keep drinking water at work instead of the sweet tea I'm faced with all day.

What am I gonna do for dinner?? I have *no* idea.
 
I am *so* glad that it's friday. This has been such a long week for me.

I stepped on the scale this morning after yesterday's binge even though I knew I shouldn't and I was actually pleasantly surprised. In the last week or so I've had an extra 2lbs (of what, I don't know) hanging around. 2lbs *over* my start weight. This morning the scale said those 2lbs were gone. How that's possible after yesterday, I don't know. I'll take it though.

This morning I decided to have breakfast at home. If I wait till I get to work I'll have something unhealthy. So I had a boiled egg and a banana and a bottle of water. Not the tastiest meal or the most filling, but it should hold me over till lunch time.

Speaking of lunch time-- I don't know how that will go today. As I mentioned before, I work in a school cafeteria (that's right, I'm a lunch lady :) ). Well today is the day of our 'holiday' meal for the kids. So we'll have turkey and dressing and all the trimmings. Granted, it's not mom's home cooking, but it's pretty good *and* some of the best food I'll get at work all year. So I'll have to be careful about what I put on my plate. I'm actually pretty confident today though. I'm not sure why. I think I'll handle it ok.

I haven't worked out in a couple of days. I know that's bad and I am disappointed in myself for it, but I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself right away. I've read a lot of comments people made about how people start off new at this with all of these big diet and exercise plans and put all this pressure on themselves and then quit in a month cause it's too much. I'm hoping to be at this for the long haul so I'm gonna try to take a couple steps at a time. First I wanna work on my eating cause I know that's where I need the most work.

And I'm trying to tell myself that today is gonna be a good day. I think for me a lot of this is a mental thing. I set myself up to succeed or fail. I want to succeed today.
 
I'm stressed today. Not because of dieting. Just because of life. I did good at breakfast--not so good since then. I mean I'm only at 820 calories for the day. That's great. I still need to eat some dinner. But I'm just thinking about what I ate to get those calories, and it wasn't so good. But at least I didn't binge, right?

My kids are in there eating pizza rolls right now and they smell really good. But I think maybe I'll throw a chicken breast in the oven and boil up some brussel sprouts. I'm craving milk, which I don't even like, so I'm wondering if maybe my body is needing some calcium. I dunno if it's even true that you crave things based on nutritional needs. Sounds plausible, but most myths do.

*shrugs*
 
I don't have long, but I wanted to check in.

I did have breakfast this morning. 170 calories.

Going to a big family xmas thing with Jason. There will be food but I think I'll do ok cause it's his family and not mine so I wouldn't be comfortable with gorging myself anyway. I *think* that's a good thing.

I think we're gonna drive out of town to see this xmas light thing later. That probably means I'll end up eating on the go (read *fast food*) which is no good. But if I can keep it under my calories for the day (right now I'm honestly shooting for 1400) I guess it will be ok.

I got plenty of sleep last night so that's good too.

hm... I guess today is looking pretty ok for now.
 
Alright. I handled myself pretty well at the xmas thing yesterday. I did eat, but I didn't stuff myself by any means. But it was one of those potluck kinda things so of course there is no way for me to track my calories. So I didn't even try.

Then I had to go to this xmas thing at my mom's church. They served hot chocolate and all kinds of cookies and pastries and stuff. I had 1/2 cup of hot chocolate (which was actually a full measured cup i'm guessing) and I took one cookie but didn't finish it cause it was too sweet for me at the time.

But when we got home I was hungry. Like genuinely hungry. So I diced up some chicken and threw it in a pan with about a tbsp of oil and cooked it up with some soy sauce. Then I threw it on a bed of lettuce with some green onions and avocado. So far, so good. But then I added about a 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar and some ranch dressing :( Shoulda quit while I was ahead. And were that not bad enough-- When I finished that, I went back to the kitchen and made another bowl (only about half full that time though) So I'm not happy with myself about that, but I can move past it.

This morning I layed in bed and watched tv with Jason for a long time. Until he started commenting on my stomach growling so loud. So I went and reheated some of last night's chicken and made another salad. Only one this time though. And while I know I shoulda skipped the ranch and cheese, I can make up for it with the rest of the day.

It should be easy to watch my calorie intake for the rest of the day anyway cause my tummy is upset. Just after eating my salad this morning I was in the bathroom. It wasn't pretty. (sorry for TMI) I've been in there twice since then, but then I decided to take some immodium. I'm not sure why the upset, but maybe cause I ate so much last night. I just hope it's not some kind of bug or something. I can't afford to get sick again.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I'm thinking of buying that DDR game for my ps2. I've heard some good things about people using it as exercise. I've asked around and actually found some people that lost a decent amount of weight using it. I think it would be good for me cause it would be fun. I have a hard time sticking to exercise plans cause I haven't found something that works that I actually like to do. Anyway, I bid on a bundle on ebay but I lost. It was used and the bids ended up as high as you'd pay for it new so I pulled out. But I'm thinking of ordering it anyway. I need to do something.

In the summer time I do *alot* of hiking. My whole weekends are spent tromping through the woods and some weekday afternoons as well. I know it's good for me, but it doesn't seem to be enough to promote weight loss. I would really like to get into mountain biking, but with 3 small kids there just isn't any way that I can take up an exercise hobby that requires that much time. I could play with the DDR with them here at home with me. And I wouldn't have to leave the house. And it's *alot* cheaper. I dunno. I just need to come up with something that works that I can stick with. And I think the reason why I don't stick with anything is cause so far I just don't like the stuff I've tried. Or the stuff I've tried doesn't work.

So I'm supposed to go to Jason's mom's house and hang xmas lights today. And we're supposed to go look at this house we're thinking of moving to. But I dunno if I can go anywhere with my tummy like this. *sigh* guess I'll just take it easy for now. And believe me this is a lesson learned about what I put in my tummy.
 
I suck

I *hate* myself right now. Seriously. I really messed up yesterday. I've been doing so well. I even saw a small loss. But then yesterday... I hadn't eaten much of anything all day. I knew better, but there wasn't anything at work worth eating so I just picked at some lunch. I mean really just picked. So I was starving and shaky and my head hurt by the time me and the boys got on our way home. So when my middle son said 'mommy, can we get a cheeseburger from mcdonald's?' it sounded like a good idea. That was phenomenally stupid. So I grabbed us all double cheeseburgers. Those are worth 390 calories. I take off the bottom bun which (according to mcd's website) saves me 75 calories, putting it at 315. And I'm pretty sure there's no good nutritional value in the damn things. But I was starving. it was an impulse meal. I know, I suck. But it gets worse. My son only ate half of his-- so guess who felt the need to finish it to avoid waste? That's right, me. I'm an idiot. So I made one of those frozen stouffer's lasagnas for dinner last night. My family loves those. I had a bigger portion than I should have. Then last night at almost midnight I went back to the kitchen (scavenging) and ate more of it. I'm so stupid. Why don't I think about this stuff?? Why don't I have the willpower not to do it?? I used to be anorexic for pete's sake. You would think I could handle a simple diet. I'm so angry with myself right now. I just don't know what to do. So I'm sure I'm carrying a bunch of extra water weight today. The only way I know to get rid of that is by drinking a bunch of water. I'm gonna do my best to do that at work today. We have these 8oz cups by the ice/water machine that make it easy to track. I can just go grab a cup any time. So that's what I'm gonna do. I dunno what I'm gonna do about my stupid choices. I can't believe I did all of that again. I'm like an alcoholic. I can't be trusted around food. That's why the only diet plan that has ever worked for me was anorexia (not that that is any kind of diet plan)-- because I removed all temptation. How can I eat healthy when I have a hunny and 3 kids to feed who will refuse health food? Jason came home from work yesterday telling me all about how he ate way too much at lunch yesterday. He was describing this sandwich he got. He said it was so greasy that it dripped everywhere everytime he took a bite. He eats like that all the time and the man never ways more than 135 with his boots on. It kills me. I could eat salads for a month and still be a fat cow. I guess I just need to start cooking myself something separate. Baked chicken and brussel sprouts (both frozen) every night. That's diet friendly and semi-palate friendly. I dunno how long I could maintain something like that though. I just don't know what to do. I'm failing already and I just started. I'll never meet my goals this way.
 
How are you failing?

You need a reality check -one hamburger does not a failure make...

Get over it and get on with it...

What does guilt give you - other than a ready excuse for bad choices.. Oh i already screwed up so one more thing won't make a difference.

preparing different meals for yourself isn't a long term option - just because your husband is skinny doesnt mean he's healthy - yuo can prepare satisfying healthy meals that will leave neither of you deprived.

you need to really do some work on losing the diet mindset andseeing dieting as punishment for something.
 
I *hate* myself right now.
Seriously. I really messed up yesterday.
I knew better,
phenomenally stupid.
I'm an idiot.
I'm so stupid
Why don't I think about this stuff??
Why don't I have the willpower not to do it??
You would think I could handle a simple diet.
I'm so angry with myself right now
I dunno what I'm gonna do about my stupid choices.
I can't believe I did all of that again.
I could eat salads for a month and still be a fat cow.
I just don't know what to do.
I just don't know what to do
failing already and I just started.
I'll never meet my goals this way
I'm like an alcoholic.
I can't be trusted around food.
Click to expand...
how many red flags can there be in one post?


But I was starving. .
I used to be anorexic for pete's sake. ..
Click to expand...
Do you think this is an optioN? you've got a husband and three children - especially children who look to youto be a role model? Starving yourself isn't a good l ong term or short term solution as you've realized it leads to poor choices.. . if you want to lose weight in a sane and sensible way and expect it to stay off -you need to eat...

Would you call your children all the names you just called yourself? And not expect a visit from Child Protective services?

Why not be a friend to yourself..
 
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Thanks for the tough love, mal. I'm hoping that's what it was anyway. You're definitely right. I shouldn't have said the things that I did. But that is honestly how I was feeling and what was running through my head. I'm glad that I got it out. Partly because you responded-- you told me what I already knew, but it is still nice to hear.

I guess I respond so strongly to slip ups because I'm such an *all or nothing* kinda person. That's how I ended up with the trouble with anorexia before. I don't want to go down that road again. I just have trouble doing it right, I guess. But I think I can. I wasn't saying that I wanted or intended to be anorexic again, I was just saying that I was anorexic before and if I was able to maintain that strict lifestyle I should be able to maintain a healthy one.

You're also right about making separate meals for myself not being a long term option. I know that won't work. But Jason will continue to make the crazy unhealthy stuff for himself no matter what. He doesn't see it as a threat to his health. I would like to cook healthier meals for the whole family, I just need to learn how. I gotta find things that my kids will be willing to try and like to eat. That will be kinda tough. Plus, with food costs rising... the bad stuff is the cheapest stuff. I know that's a terrible excuse, but we aren't exactly well off. I dunno.

Today I'm doing better. It's 710pm and I've only had about 600 calories all day. I think that's pretty good. I've got a frozen chicken breast in the oven right now. according to the label it's only 150 calories. That seems off to me, but what do I know? I chose the smallest one in the bag. I'm also boiling some brussel sprouts. Those have minimal calories as well. I was thinking about making a small salad to eat the chicken on, but then I would eat dressing and cheese too. I think I have enough calories to spare for the day to do that, but why have it if I don't have to? I can't decide. I might, might not. I'm gonna eat the sprouts first so then we'll see how my appetite is.

I am kinda proud of myself though. The kids wanted mac and cheese and hot dogs for supper. I let them have it. I didn't even take a single bite of either one. That was serious willpower. I *love* mac and cheese.

I have waited too long to eat this evening though. I mean I think so. I'm having trouble concentrating and my head hurts. I didn't wait to eat on purpose. We were out doing some last minute xmas stuff.

Yeah, I'm actually having a hard time concentrating enough to even write this. So I think I'll come back and do this later.
 
So I ate the chicken and the brusssels sprouts and the small salad. I used sparkpeople to figure up my calories for the day and it came up to 960. That isn't enough. I've always heard 1200 is a good level for weight loss and the lowest healthy goal to use. But I've also heard you should use your bmr and reduce your calories by only 30%-- That means I should have 1470. Either way, I'm under for the day. I'm pretty full right now and I might go to bed early. But if I don't then I'll do my best to get in a few more calories so as to stay in a healthy range. I dunno. I'm kinda torn.
 
Dont eat if you aren't hungry -just do some better planning thru out the day to make sure oyou're eating enough.

The reason being (as has been stated around here countless times..) if you keep your calories too low for too long -starvation mode is less of an issue but what becomes an issue is when you drop 20lbs and you need to adjust your calories downward -you've got no room for them to go.

YOu need to eat for the body you currently have and give yourself some calorie room to wiggle..
 
my diet has been, well, not so good. i gotta do better. i mean, i *am* making better choices for sure, but not good enough. i feel like i need to be on a strict diet plan, but at the same time i know that won't work for me. so it's good that i actually am making some better choices, but there are some things that i could be doing much better. like i've started drinking soda again. why? don't ask me cause i sure as hell don't know. i was doing really well with that. but then i started drinking sweet tea alot and it seems that it had even more calories in it than the soda so that was no good. i just can't make myself drink water all the time. a lot of the time is ok, but i just crave something else sometimes. and artificial sweetener (esp aspartame) gives me a headache. so what choices do i have? suck it up and drink the water, right? yeah, i know.

so i went out and bought dance dance revolution. just got it last night. played some last night and some this morning. it's really pretty fun. biggest problem with it is that the kids wanna play too. and i mean that's ok, but when i'm trying to use it for exercise it's not good for me to take turns cause it slows down my heart rate. i wonder how many calories it really burns anyway. the game tells you, but i'm not sure that's accurate. i mean all it has to go on is your weight. i dunno though. what i really need for that is one of those heart rate monitors. maybe i'll get one for xmas. i have talked about wanting one a lot. then i would know exactly what i was getting done. i could feel that my heart rate was getting up, but i wasn't *quite* sweating. anyway, it was fun. and i was up on my feet moving around when i normally would have been sitting in front of the tv or computer so that's a good thing. and i think i could get a better workout with it if i actually had an opportunity to play for a while uninterrupted. then i could kinda get in the groove of it. of course when is that gonna happen? never.

i gotta bake xmas cookies with the kids today. luckily i went the easy way this year and bought the sugar cookies with the pictures already made into them. that way i'm not mixing any dough so i'm not sticking my fingers in it. plus i don't really care for those much so i won't eat many of them anyway. the trick will be not making any chocolate oatmeal cookies or chocolate chip. but unless i go back to the store i can't make either of those and it's really cold outside today so i should be able to resist.

i sound pathetic. i am pathetic. i've gotta do something about this.
 
i feel like i'm not doing anything to move towards my goals.

i need to exercise for real. i need to diet for real. i'm just not doing it right.

it's just a circle. i hate myself for being overweight. i used to be so thin and pretty. now i just want to cry every time i look in the mirror. but i love food. it's my comfort (like so many other people). so when i look in the mirror and see how fat i've gotten or when i go shopping and i cant buy the things that i want to wear it's my first reaction to go to the kitchen. or the drive thru. or whatever. and what does that do? it makes it worse. and then i feel worse. and then i wanna eat more. so where does it end?

i went to the grocery store determined to buy the right things. i was gonna buy fresh produce so i could have salads and have fruits for snacks and stuff. more veggies is good, right? and i was gonna buy the right kinds of breads and get some fish and-- well i don't really need to go on, if you are reading this then chances are you know what the 'right' things are already. but i was looking at the prices as i was shopping-- adding it up as i went-- and i couldn't afford it. i can't feed my family that way. when i realized it i just felt so bad. i can't *afford* to lose weight. it's too expensive to eat the right foods. and it's winter time-- how can i work out if i can't go outside? gym membership right? nope-- i can't afford it. i left my shopping cart in the middle of the produce section and ran to my car as quickly as i could so no one would see that i was starting to cry.

i try to forget about the moments like that. push them aside. but i can't just do that.

i feel like a failure. i feel like i will never get this right.

see? i feel terrible now so my mind is wandering to what is in the fridge.

i don't know what to do anymore.
 
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