Here I go again!!

San2

San2

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Thought I'd start another diary. Haven't posted in the other one for ages, and I didn't like a lot of the stuff that was in there (stuff that I wrote).

So, here's to a fresh start.

I don't think this will really be a food diary or anything like that. Nobody really wants to read every single item that I eat, or think about eating. It'll be more like an every day rand-and-rave, share experiences and basically-get-rid-of-some-steam type thing.

I apologise in advance for any kind of rude language (and there will be some of that, believe me!!), and anything else that might not necessarily be considered 'politically correct'. I am probably the most un-pc person around, so....yeah.

Not much going on today. Slept until 10, got up, showered, now getting ready to head to the hospital for an ultrasound. Cysts in my ovaries have grown and they want to know if anything needs to be done.

So I am supposed to drink two large bottles of water, and hold it in for an hour until they do the ultrasound. REALLY? If I pee in my car on the way there, there'll be hell to pay......;)
 
San said:
So I am supposed to drink two large bottles of water, and hold it in for an hour until they do the ultrasound. REALLY? If I pee in my car on the way there, there'll be hell to pay......;)
Click to expand...

I always worried about peeing on the table, while they were pushing on my stomach with the ultrasound thing-a-ma-bob(that's my technical term for it). I could always just picture myself sitting there and the paper underneath of me growing a big wet spot...HAHAHA! Thankfully that never happened. Good luck, and hopefully your car stays dry. :smilielol5:
 
Well, I made it without any embarrassing accidents, but only just! I could barely make my way to the room when they called me, and when she put that gel on my stomach and it was cold, I nearly wet myself!!!
She scanned as quick as possible (or so she said), and as soon as she said she was done I was off that table and in the bathroom which was fortunately next door. Didn't even bother to button my pants or anything....*lol*

Well, apparently, things are ok. That's something. Exact results in a couple of weeks, but she said there is nothing that 'looks worse than last time'. Got to be grateful for small favours I guess!
 
yay for a new diary!!! I know new ones tend to motivate me!

Glad to hear thta things are ok for you! i hate that cold gel they put on you!! i'm glad you didn't have any accidents!! I can't say the same for myself!! When I was in the hosp. with pnuemonia, I had a coughing fit and peed myself!! soo embarressing!
 
Heehee....well, nothing you can do, and as a former nurse, believe me when I tell you that they've seen much, much worse.

Well, not much going on. Still am dreadfully ill. Sinuses are completely blocked, I've got an ear infection, high temperature, the whole side of my face is so swollen that I can barely open my eye, and I've got a chest infection as well, just to make things complete.

Have barely been eating, yet the scales seem to go up instead of down. Weird. I seem to be a complete mess at the moment....*lol*

Well, I guess it could be worse so I'll keep taking my antibiotics and expectorants and decongestants, and hope I'll be able to bend down without feeling as if my head is going to explode again soon. At least I am getting some time off - put my foot down and decided that if I don't look after myself first, I won't be able to look after anybody else.

So my lovely sister-in-law had to go and visit her mother, and do a couple of things for her. She was none too happy (she hasn't been over at her mother's for over 3 months) about having to make a shopping trip for her, and suggested that there was no reason why I couldn't do the shopping instead just because of a 'little cold'.
That's rich coming from a woman who took 3 weeks off work (office job) because of an in-grown toe-nail (I kid you not!!).

And just for the record, I spend about 2 -3 hours at my mother-in-law's every day. I make her food, do her laundry, keep the house clean, help her to bathe, and keep her some company, because nobugger else bothers to go there. I've been doing that for the last 4 years straight, never missing a day - until now. Which apparently prompted my sister-in-law to brand me 'lazy'. Uhm...yeah. Sure.

She only sees her mother to borrow money, never bothers otherwise. Irks me to no end, but there isn't much I can do. There was a big argument at Christmas time, and since then one half of the family hates me, and the other thinks the sun shines out of my backside. *lol*

Oh, I'll be great-aunt in about 6 months or so. Now, it's my husband's sister's son's girlfriend (wow, that's a mouthful), but they belong to the 'sun shining out of my behind' part, so now she wants me to be the baby's godmother.

Anybody here a godmother? What does it entail? Am I supposed to do anything specific? And more importantly, is that a religious thing of any kind? I really have no clue, so if anybody has any godmother experience, feel free to clue me in. ;)

Enough babbling. There's a kitchen full of housework waiting for me. Ugh!!!
 
Wow, this is what I think of your sister-in-law: :puke:

Seriously! How embarassing for her. And how sad that her mom knows the person she didn't even give birth to cares more than her own daughter. People really irk me sometimes. Although the ingrown toenail bit did give me a laugh :D

Hooray for new journals, too! I am using mine for an emotional ranting ground as well.. I'll enjoy coming here for a break from sunshine and roses ^_^
 
If you love dogs, and happen to live in the UK, or really, anywhere in this world, make a trip over to this webpage http://www.savelennox.co.uk .

The story is a long one, and one that makes me incredibly mad, but in short, it is about a family who's dog has been taken away from them because of how it looks. In the UK, certain breeds are banned, and any dog that happens to look anything like those breeds might be taken from their owners, without warning, and be destroyed. It doesn't matter if that dog has never done anything to anybody in their life, if it is the softest, most gentle animal you have ever come across - if it looks wrong, they'll kill it.

In this case, the dog was taken, brought to a 'secret location', and caged for 9 months. The family went to court, brought proof that the dog is, in fact, NOT one of the breeds in question, they even did a DNA test, but all the evidence was dismissed, and yesterday it was decided that the dog should be killed. The family is appealing against the decision and needs support now more than ever. They are not asking for money or anything like that, and it is not just about this one dog - if Belfast City Council gets away with this, there are hundreds of other dogs that almost certainly will meet the same fate.

There is a big campaign going on for this case right now, and the more publicity, the better. By now, several celebrities have joined as well, people like Victoria Stilwell (dog trainer/TV presenter in the UK - I admit I had never heard of her before), Anthony Stewart Head (Anthony Head - IMDb) and Ian Somerhalder (Ian Somerhalder - IMDb) just to name a few who rallied support on Twitter and Facebook.

If you want a quick read that gives you the general facts and entertains at the same time, have a look here Frank's Rotating Lighted Blog of Considerable Mass, and read the 'Ire at the Irish' entry (should be at the top).

I don't know how much people can realistically do, but every little bit helps. So if you just sign the petition, or email somebody, or just drop the owners a line of support, it would mean the world to them.

They are on FaceBook as well, just search for 'Save Lennox' if you're interested.
 
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Hmmm...what was that about keeping this diary updated? I'm always full of good intentions, but it never really works out.

Kind of like my weight loss really....I'm gonna let you into a little secret now....

I SUCK!!! (at losing weight and keeping it off, not what you think you pervs!!!)

Remember when I first showed up here and went from 380 lbs down to 255 lbs? I even won a freaking weight loss challenge and whatnot.

Yeah.

I put it all back on. Ballooned back to 360 lbs within 18 months.

Why?

Because I'm an idiot, that's why.

I ended up pretty low for a while. Was put on anti-depressants, which did jack-all. Made me put piles and piles of weight on. Not the pills themselves, but they made me kind of uninterested in everything. Especially myself, what I looked like, or how I treated myself. So I ate, and let myself go to heck. Eating painkillers like smarties didn't help either. I didn't realise that codeine gives you the munchies, but hell, it does.

I started back up two months ago at 362 lbs. I am back 'down' to 330 lbs now. My treadmill is sitting in a corner, full of dust, because I'm too heavy to use it right now. Maximum weight to get on it is 300 lbs. Plus, my back and my foot are so bad that I can barely get from the front room to the kitchen, so I don't know if I will ever be able to use it again.

My doctor thinks the pain in my foot is down to arthritis. Ahrthritis runs in my family as well. My grandmother suffered with it, my mom has it in her feet and hands. She's only 57, but when she was last here to visit me she had a really bad spell one morning. Moved like a 90 year-old. Couldn't open doors because she didn't have enough strength to press the door handle down, and then she dropped a coffee mug because her hand hurt so much when she picked it up. She hadn't told me how bad it was, and I don't see her that often unfortunately, so when I realised what was going on, I locked myself in the bathroom and bawled my eyes out. I love my mom, and it kills me to see her like that.

And now it scares the shit out of me. I'm 'only' 36. If my doc is right, and the problems with my feet are really down to arthritis, I'm screwed. Pretty much everything I enjoy doing is related to my hands. Drawing, writing, painting. DIY, building stuff....you get the picture.

What does that have to do with my weight loss? No idea. I'm guessing if my feet make more trouble, it will make exercising a lot more difficult. I'm determined to get into weight training though. I've got the weights, just have to somehow manage to get them out of the shed. That's on the agenda for tomorrow. Move everything out of the shed and get to the weights that are in the furthest corner. That in itself is going to be more than enough exercise for one day!!

I think I need a new tattoo as well. Not sure why, I just want one I guess. The last one was in December, so it's about time! Last one I got was three roses in memory of my granddad.
View attachment 15059

They're just below my elbow. That picture was taken right after it was done, so it's pretty swollen and red. Hurt like nothing good, but I still want to go and get another one. Weird.

Anyway....I will really try to post a little more often. Hopefully with some progress reports and a few success stories rather than a lot of whinging. But I'm not promising anything....*lol*
 
I finally got the old weight bench and the free weights out. Took me a full day, my back is killing me and I took a chunk out of my hand on a rusty nail, but it's out.

Now all I have to do is clean all the stuff, and figure out how to actually put it together, since there are no instructions with it. And did I mention that there is also an old, broken multi-gym in the same place, so I don't actually know which parts belong to the bench, and which belong to the gym.

Puzzle time, yay!! :hurray:

In unrelated news, I got off my arse and did some garden work today. Stood bent over for nearly three hours (because kneeling is even worse), and am in dire need of a few painkillers now. But the garden looks nice.
And I've got a sunburn. I need to get out more....*sigh*
 
Good luck figuring out that puzzle.....if it were ME.... I know there would be lots of cursing and possible throwing of the parts involved...hahaha. Good luck!!!
 
Good luck with the weights - I would love to have a bench / weights at home! I understand how you feel about gaining the weight back. I've lost and gained 70 pounds two different times in the last 6 years...

Why do we put ourselves through these things!? Great job on the weight loss so far!
 
Hi San, Did you get the weight bench and parts figured out! I know how disappointing if feels when we gain weight back. I can't tell you how many times I felt like kicking myself for gaining weight back. You can beat this. Just keep thinking of all the things you want to do but can't because of the weight. Whenever you want to stuff yourself Try to think about how it makes you feel. Then think about how you felt when you had lost all that weight. Never give up. It often takes a successful person several failures before becoming successful.

You have a good start so good luck and keep going.
 
I'm about 2 seconds away from giving up. I just don't want to do this anymore. For the past 3 weeks I've been eating under maintenance. About 1000 cals under actually. I know how to count calories, so I know my figures are right.
And I've been eating well - salad, veggies, chicken, the odd weight watchers meals for convenience. No junk, no takeaways, nothing.

No exercise unfortunately, because I'm in too much pain for that.

Result of the last 3 weeks?

I put over 8 lbs ON. Yeah......

I don't get it. I know weight fluctuates, I know my metabolism is probably completely screwed from last time, and I would understand if I had plateaued and not lost. But putting weight on? I don't get it.

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it does. I'm sitting here, day and in day out with a husband who doesn't give a shit and inhales chocolate bars right next to me and sends me to McDonalds twice a day, and I don't touch any of it.

As a result, I'm getting fatter.

I'm in more pain than ever as well, plus generally feeling like crap - constant colds, headaches and stuff.

Just don't see the point anymore. My doctor tells me to stick it out. Stick it out till when? Till I'm back to 400 lbs again? I'm certainly heading into the right direction for that!

I just want to go back to bed and pull the blankets over my head. With a few bars of chocolate. If I put the weight back on, I might as well have a good time doing so.

Oh, and yes, the pain in my foot - it's arthritis. Got the confirmation from my doc a couple of weeks back. Most likely to spread over time, and there isn't really anything that can be done. Always good to have something to look forward to.....
 
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This totally broke my heart. You sound like my sister. Her husband does that sort of crap, too.
I know that when I hi a road block, I just switched my calories up a bit. Have some junk food once a week, but keep in your calories.
Has your doctor tested you for thyroid issues?

Eat some chocolate, but just enough to get the flavor. If you binge now, then you will KNOW what caused you to gain weight.
Just don't give up. After all of the sass I've seen in your other posts, you have to be able to sass yourself out of this. You're too awesome not to!

"Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est."
 
Sorry for not updating this, and sorry Ninja for not replying to your encouraging words. Even if I didn't say anything at the time, it meant a lot. Thank you! :)


Things haven't been too great in the meantime. I've lost about 25 lbs, but they are pretty much all back. I'm going into my third week of a serious binge, and right now I am in so much pain I can hardly breathe. Literally. I must have pulled a muscle in my neck or something like that, which makes breathing, and swallowing food and liquid extremely painful. I don't have the time to see my doc right now, but if it hasn't calmed down by the end of the week, I'll go next week.


On the plus side, I have gotten some work done in my house, which means that by the end of this week, my treadmill will be set up and ready to use in my bedroom, together with the weight bench. Yes, the one that I wanted to have set up a few months ago. *sigh*


This binge will end next weekend. No ifs, no buts. I will go back to eating properly, and exercising, even if it kills me.


I will start a proper food diary again, and should I really struggle losing the weight again, or start gaining while being below maintenance, I will know that there is something wrong with me. I have been tested for Thyroid problems and that's fine, so that can't be it. I suspect it something that causes me to retain some sort of fluid (because it's impossible to gain weight while being in a caloric deficit. It can't be fat, so it has to be something else. Just got to find out what it is, and then take it from there.


And that's the news, really. Not much else going on. Hopefully I will manage to write here a little more often, and something other than 'I'm still not losing weight....whinge, whinge, whinge'...which seems to be what I am doing at the moment.


I've seen people take pictures of the numbers on the scales. I might just do that as well and keep them in here as a diary. I don't know why, but I like the idea. Does that make me strange?


Well, off to building a wall. Like you do when you've got nothing better to do. Wish me luck! ;)
 
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