Helping my love get and stay motivated?

C

Charlie Golf

0
First off, let me say that I love my wife very much, am very much IN love with her (more than I show sometimes probably) and think she is very beautiful.

I have been going back and forth about whether I should ask this b/c, honestly, I was afraid of someone turning my words around or turning this into "a guy who thinks his wife is fat" thread.

My baby has been trying (struggling) to lose weight for quite some time. She primarily wants to lose for vanity reasons although her family all have a history of being overweight, diabetic or pre-diabetic (her two brothers), or hypertensive. Cardiovascular disease runs in her family as well (both heart attack and stroke.). They are all sedentary and have very poor diets (lots of fried foods, high fat, and sugar).

Recently, she had a health scare and ended up in the ER. Luckily, it was nothing significant like the symptoms led us to believe but I do think it was a little "come to Jesus" for her. She even said afterwards that it is "time for things to change."

By her estimates, she wants to lose 30-50 pounds. That would put her right in a "normal" range BMI-wise. I agree with her assesment on that amount of weight loss but have told her that her athletic frame (volleyball and soccer gave her some strong legs) and her um..."blessed" female attributes may make BMI merely a good starting point with BF%, etc. to round it out. Finally, I have tried to tell her it is less what the scale says and more how she likes the way she looks and feels than anything else as long as she is HEALTHY.

So here's the thing: Her struggle has been going on for a LONG time. It started when she went from a size 8 to a 10 and has continued to frustrate her as her sizes and weight have increased and her workouts have not helped. In all honesty, during that time she was doing little, if anything about it.

Recently, she has been trying to workout on a much more regular basis but still does not follow a very "disciplined" plan. She "tries" to eat well but does a lot of things to sabatoge any progress. She has mentioned in the past that she was considering joining something like Weight Watchers, etc.

It tears my heart out when we go shopping and I see the tears in her eyes b/c she asks me to go get the next size up off the rack -- it was frustration from 10-12, sadness 12-14, and most recently fear 14-16.

She seems stuck in a quagmire and unable to convince herself that she, ultimately, controls what is happening to her. As an aside, she has had thyroid function, etc. checked out and simply put her doctor has told her it is her relatively sedentary lifestyle and nutritional diet that are the culrpits.

I am trying to figure out the best way to help her get and stay motivated. I try to set a good example for her -- I miss my Coke and beer! -- buy good stuff to have around the house, pick better choices when we're out, etc.

I am pretty disciplined in my workouts. I basically know what I am going to do for the week ahead and plan it out. I am also a recorder, keeping a log of my fitness activity. I do all these things b/c they work for me. It is the same reason I have encouraged her to do them as well...to no avail. My discipline with nutrition is not the greatest but it is OK - still probably the one thing I need to fine-tune. Don't get me wrong, I know how challenging this can be. Personally I have been trying to lower my body-fat % and it has been slow going!

I have suggested both workout and nutritional plans for her but she seems very aimless in her approach to either. She has fits and starts with either but falls off before she gets any momentum. Sometimes, it seems like she simply is at a loss with what to do fitness-wise.

But this has been the sole thing that has prevented that happiness and of course it spreads its fingers into other things. Because of her sadness with it, she feels less attractive and is therefore less affectionate...which makes her sadder and it seems like it creates a vicious cycle.

All of this is killing me. Sometimes, I wanna act like the drill sergeant and make her do everything a particular way. Other times, I wanna simply point out that she's refilled the 32oz. Coke twice and maybe should go with water instead. Like I said, these are the things I "wanna" do. In actual fact, I am scared of the response if I did so I just keep my mouth shut. All the time though I just hug her, give her a kiss through the salty tears and tell her I am here to support her however she needs me to.

Now she is coming up on the "window of opportunity" she made for herself for a goal (a friend's wedding). I say the window, b/c if she aimed to lose a healthy 2 lbs per week she would meet her goal a few weeks before the wedding. FWIW, she made this "goal" when the wedding was announced over 6 months ago.

But watching her be so unhappy and seemingly unable to take the first step and the ones that follow just tears my heart out. I just want my baby to be happy.

But I wanna know the right way to support her and help her out without seeming like I'm trying to take control ro coming across like a jerk. In my dream world, I'd like to see my wife with a happy grin across her face jump my bones with kisses and saying "Thank you for supporting me baby!" :D

These are things I can tell you...she works too much, she works out too little or is not focused when she does, she makes dietary choices that are at odds with her stated goals, her goals are very "loose."

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
 
maleficent said:
you cannot do it for her - she has to do it for her and want to do it for herself...
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Oh, I know that. And keep repeating it to myself that when she is really ready she will step off.

It's just tearing me up watching her be seemingly immobile in the meantime and I want to give the right kind of encouragement.

How about this? Ladies and Gents, if your significant other gave you particularly helpful motivation or encouragement during your quest for fitness, what helped most?

I know each person responds differently to different things but that might help me get an idea of the right/wrong things to do to really be helpful to her.
 
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beadmakergirl said:
For what it's worth, I think you should leave it alone.
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Agreed...

She's a grown woman, not a child, you can't take the sweets out of her hands, you can't scold her for having 2 refills on her coke, a "youo should know better than that" look doesn't help - when she's ready to make the change for herself -she will.

Suggest her getting an account here - and let it go - anything more than that is nagging and it will have the reverse effect.

The comment you made about missing beer and coke, why are you depriving yourself? if you enjoy beer, have them - in moderation... deprivation leads to binging...
 
It is very tough watching someone you love struggle. But the worst part (at least for me) is the emotional part. Making yourself ready to do it. Nothing anyone else says or does is going to make her do this before she is ready. Just do what you're doing, be supportive, do your own research if you want so you know about the right/healthy way of doing things, but don't push her. It won't help if you harp on what she's doing/not doing.
 
beadmakergirl said:
For what it's worth, I think you should leave it alone.
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I appreciate your opinion and I hear what you are saying.

That is something I've thought about too but considering her families history with coronary disease (which is more my concern than anything -- I want her to be around for a LONG time) when does one "get involved" with a loved one's struggle?

What if it was drugs, alcohol or some other destructive behavior? Would I leave it alone in those situations?

I love her too much for that.

Although I do agree that whatever happens it is all her that has to do it and I will only be there to support her if she needs it. Much the same I guess if someone was going through that like above. I can't do it for her.

dariqueen said:
Just do what you're doing, be supportive, do your own research if you want so you know about the right/healthy way of doing things, but don't push her. It won't help if you harp on what she's doing/not doing.
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Yeah, and I guess that's what I'm most worried about -- when she finally decides she really wants to change, how do I not seem TOO excited for her but rather supportive in a way that seems loving? I definitely don't harp but sometime I wonder if not doing that comes across as NOT supporting her or helping her out. This is always one of those issues (due to its personal nature) that people rarely ask publicly for help.

I guess I don't really understand when/if/and how to help or support. That is my challenge.
 
All I simply do with my Girlfriend is ask her that I thought she was trying to lose weight. Most of the time she decides on something healthier.
 
What if it was drugs, alcohol or some other destructive behavior? Would I leave it alone in those situations?
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if she was abusing drugs or booze, nagging her about it wouldnt get her to stop, if you checked her into a long term facility for treatment she wouldn't stop until she was ready to stop.

Don't enable her... If she's crying over moving up to the next size - don't cry away those salty tears or whatever it was that you said... ask her what she wants to do about it...

Can you help her? you probably aren't the best person to be her 'coach" - familiiarty leads to contempt in a big way... she has to do it on her own and find her own way - When she is ready to change, she will stumble along the way - it happens... but she'll find what works for her...

But also keep in mind - that it is her life -not yours... you aren't her parent - she is going to do what she's going to do - and you can either accept it and her - or move on...
 
maleficent said:
The comment you made about missing beer and coke, why are you depriving yourself? if you enjoy beer, have them - in moderation... deprivation leads to binging...
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Oh trust me, I don't deprive myself. If I want a coke or a beer I have one. However, she has asked me in the past to "challenge" her when she orders a coke -- a scary request I tell you. The easier way though, because I know that we very often mimic each others beverage selections is to order tea instead for instance which she will follow up with.

Nowadays, I always wait for her to decide rather than answering her question "what are you gonna have?" and then I follow up with whatever I want.

As far as deprivation, I totally hear you on that. In fact that has been one of the things that is hardest for her to understand is that "nutrition" does not mean forgoing the tastes and desires we like. It just means to moderate them.

She's mistakenly under the impression that she is banished to salad for the rest of her life and she is a meat and potatos kinda girl. I'm a big believer that anyone who is changing their nutritional lifestyle will stumble a lot more or ultimately fail if they don't allow themselves a "cheat" day or stop beating themselves up for hiccups along the way.
 
maleficent said:
Don't enable her... If she's crying over moving up to the next size - don't cry away those salty tears or whatever it was that you said... ask her what she wants to do about it...

Can you help her? you probably aren't the best person to be her 'coach" - familiiarty leads to contempt in a big way... she has to do it on her own and find her own way - When she is ready to change, she will stumble along the way - it happens... but she'll find what works for her...

But also keep in mind - that it is her life -not yours... you aren't her parent - she is going to do what she's going to do - and you can either accept it and her - or move on...
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Thanks! That's the kind of info I'm looking for. And as far as accepting her, that is no problem whatsoever. I love her no matter what. It is HER that has a hard time accepting that. All I can do is keep telling her and trying to do whatever I can to show it I guess.
 
This was today's spark people mailer...



The Do's and Don'ts of Motivating Others

-- By Dean Anderson, Behavioral Psychology Expert

If you’ve been working hard to lose weight and adopt a healthy lifestyle, you probably know how difficult that can be, and how important it is to have the support and help of others who are doing the same thing. You’ve probably been inspired by someone else’s success, gotten some important advice, or found a sympathetic listener just at the precise moment when, otherwise, you might have given up. Maybe that happens for you nearly every day.

When important people in your life are also struggling with weight problems or making healthy decisions, you probably want to give them the same help and support you’ve received from others. Easy enough—as long as they’re looking for what you have to offer.

But what do you do when someone you care about doesn’t seem to want to change her lifestyle or lose weight, even though she's putting herself at risk? What if she really wants the results of eating well and exercising regularly, but isn’t so keen on doing the things that make those results happen? How can you motivate someone to do what you know she needs to do—is that even possible?

What You Can't Do
Conventional wisdom says that you can’t motivate someone else. Maybe you can, however, inspire her with your own good example, give her the information she needs to solve problems, or support her when the going gets tough. But like the proverbial light bulb, that person is not going to change her behavior unless and until she wants to change it, and is ready and willing to do what has to be done. The desire and readiness have to come from inside.

This conventional wisdom is probably true, but all it really tells you is what you can’t do to motivate someone else. You can’t provide her with a good reason to get healthy, you can’t persuade her to do it by the sheer brilliance of your logic and persuasive techniques, and you can't convince her by the persistence of your nagging, suggestions, bribes, threats, predictions of disaster, or other manipulative devices. Until the object of your concern wants to do something about her situation, anything you tell her is going to fall on deaf ears.

So, if you’re currently doing any of those things I just mentioned, knock if off before it messes up your relationship and drives both you and the person you’re concerned about crazy with frustration and resentment.

When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. How many people do you know who really want to be unhealthy and overweight, and wouldn’t prefer to look better, feel better, and be as healthy as possible? When someone “isn’t motivated” to lose weight or live a healthy lifestyle, the problem is probably not that she isn't ready or willing to enjoy the obvious benefits of healthy eating and exercise. If things were as simple as that, she’d make those changes in a minute.

More likely, the problem is that, to her, she's "benefiting" (in some way) from the way she's doing things now, and she isn’t sure she’ll still get those same benefits if she makes big changes in her life. Your best chance for motivating her to make desirable changes is to find out what she's getting out of her “unhealthy” behaviors now, and what you can do to help her get those same things without paying the price of obesity, inactivity, and higher health risks.

Let’s take a look at what this means in practical terms.

What You Can Do
  • Do more listening than talking. Remember, your job is not to persuade, correct, or preach. Most people who are “stuck” in unhealthy behaviors already know what’s wrong and what they need to change. What they don’t know, they can easily find out when they’re ready to use the information. Most people even know, more or less, when they’re denying the obvious, inventing rationalizations, coming up with excuses, only seeing the problems, and ignoring the opportunities. But arguing with a friend or loved one about these things just makes it that much harder for her to start talking about the real issues. In fact, people are far more likely to talk themselves out of these unhelpful thoughts than to be talked out of them by someone else. Your job is to listen, nod a lot, and say things like “Yes, that was a problem for me, too,” or, “You mean you do that too? I thought I was the only one.”
  • Lead by example. The best reason you can give someone for adopting a healthy lifestyle is doing it yourself and letting her see how it has helped you. Another dimension of this leading by example is talking about what you’ve learned about yourself in the process and the benefits that may not be visible on the surface. As I mentioned earlier, the “real” reason people hold back from change is usually fear of losing something important or exposing themselves to danger. That something important can be anything from the simple pleasure of doing something they enjoy (like eating a bag of chips while sitting on the couch and watching TV) to some deep psychological need to stay overweight and avoid the risks of being socially or sexually active. She might be unwilling to give up a certain style of cooking (Southern or fried for example) because it provides an important feeling of emotional connection with her family.

    Whatever the reasons are, change isn’t likely to happen until she feels like she's got some other realistic options for meeting these needs and desires. And most of us don’t like to think or talk too much about this kind of stuff (even to ourselves, much less someone else). You might be able to help move this part of the change process along by talking (when the opportunity arises) about how you’ve dealt with some of these kinds of things yourself.
  • Follow the Pleasure Principle. Whatever else he may have been wrong about, Sigmund Freud was right on the money when he said that people are motivated by the desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Unfortunately, we also have the ability to do things that bring pleasure now but are certain to cause a lot of pain later on. And we’re not always very good at putting off the small immediate pleasure in favor of a more significant one later on—instant gratification is just more fun than delayed gratification, at least at the moment.

    The ideal solution to these difficulties is to make doing the right thing as fun and pleasurable as possible. That will always work better than preaching the evils of instant gratification, glorifying the virtues of delayed gratification or heroic self-discipline, and striking fear into the hearts of potential junk food eaters.
So, if you want to get your spouse or your kids to join in your efforts to eat healthy, put away those carrot sticks with the cottage cheese dip, and have a little contest to see who can come up with the tastiest and most nutritious new meal or snack ideas—the winner gets out of doing dishes. If you want to get the kids off the phone or the computer and on their feet moving around, don’t start with rules and limits, start by finding something they like to do, and offer to do it with them. You get the idea.

The good news is that a healthy lifestyle is something that most people will actually find pleasant and rewarding, once they give it a chance to grow on them. You can’t make that happen for others, or even convince them to try when they don’t want to. But with a little thought and luck, you might just provide the Spark that gets the fire going.
 
As others have said you cannot make her do this. And Im sure thats not what your trying to do.

If your worried about her health (both physical and emotional) you can talk to her about that. Tell her that you know her struggle upsets her and that you dont like seeing her upset. Ask if there is anything that would help her- something that you could do for her or with her...or indeed not do! She may need an objective person to support her with this. But knowing that your concern is for her health and happiness rather than a judgemental thing will be important to her.

When shes ready it will be helpful for her to know you're there to help.
 
What you can do

As others have said, each of us must make the commitment to make a lifestyle change. But here is one idea you could try.

1) Encourage her to join weight watchers, maybe even join yourself. My wife and I went this route several years ago and we both lost significant weight on the plan. For some people, knowing that you are going to be weighed every week is a great motivator. Of course WW is not the be all, and end all, as if you don't make the change for life, the weight will come back on, but it can be a jump start to change.

2) You take over the meal planning. Get some diet books, find what you both like and prepare tasty and healthy meals. Don't try to control what she eats all day, but if you show her it's not all salads, and get away from the Meat and potatoes meals it will help. But have meat and potatoes once in a while, just make it the exception. (edit) Oh and offer to cook some of these healthy meals, she may not want to prepare the meals if she's not emotionally committed to it, but I'm sure she'll eat them, and be grateful to you for helping out around the house.


3) Take over the grocery shopping duties. Buy to your prepared menus. Load up on fruits and veggies. Don't impulse buy junk food, but if your wife asks you to buy her something bad, do it, no judgments.


Give her the opportunities to eat healthy, but don't leave the decisions up to her.
 
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Have you tried perhaps doing stuff together? perhaps going to a gym together, going swimming together, or even something simple liek getting dog and walking it together? As a lot of pople have said, you cant do it for her, and if she feels you are pressurising her into doing something, your good intentions may be counter productive, as she sees herself as a failure compared to you.
 
Hi there, IMO and I am not trying to be mean. This is what I would do... First let me tell you about myself, I always ate like a pig and even to the point where I had to throw it up afterwards. You are concerned about your wife. Good you should be! You need to give her some tough love, let her know you love her as a person but she needs to change and not tomorrow, right now. Even if she gets mad. Yeah everyone talks about how she is not a baby, but the fact remains is she does not know how to take care of her eating habits. You need to guide her as much as you can. If you truly want her to lose the weight then be that drill seargant. She will thank you later. I know I could only wish someone would of done that for me. start off small. Tell her to switch to diet drinks. Yeah I know they are not the greatest but I hated diet drinks but now I cannot tell the difference. BREAK the habits! Goodluck and I hope I didn't offend anyone but if I did. then perhaps there is a reason for it. I am in the process myself of becoming the new me and it's hard but I want it so bad!
 
She will thank you later
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as she's taking him for everything he's got in divorce court.

If you truly want her to lose the weight then be that drill seargant.
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it's not what he wants.. she has to want to do it... you cannot change someone else.. they have to want to do it for themselves...
 
Definately agree with maleficent here. If someone did that to me Id be so mad that Id probably go out and eat my own weight in chocolate just to 'get back' at them! Now on the other hand if they told me they didnt like seeing me upset and asked was there anything they could do to help, it might just motivate me. You need to know that your partner loves you regardless of your size or shape, and the tough love approach doesnt really do that (not for me anyway).
 
I realise that you are concerned for your wife's health - but size 16 is not really a great deal bigger than average and clearly the recent scare was a bit of a false alarm.

The best thing that you can do is do all that you can to convince your wife that if her weight never reduced - or for that matter were to double or more - you would find her the most attractive person on the planet.

Next time you go clothes shopping with her - if she asks you to pass her something - pass her two items - the size that she last bought and the next size up. If she has got thinner she will not mind sending you back for a smaller size.

Consider shopping at shops that do not go down to size 8. There are lots of shops here (in England) that cater for larger sizes and cover size 16. They are designed to flatter the fuller figure so she may get a better choice of flattering styles. Size 16 would be a smaller size there.

I must admit that I got concerned when I was size 30 / 32 and I didnt know any shops near me that went above that size. I am sorry that you percieved that she felt fear at size 16.

Perception is a strange thing. I feel comparitively svelte now that I am between a size 24 and 26.

Others have suggested that you offer to take over the shopping and cooking. This is a good idea. Your wife may stick to the meals that you produce - but she is an adult and if she wants to supplement it or replace it - you should not try to stop her.

Since the doctor has suggested that diet and exercise is the key - you have a plan to approach the diet - so exercise is required to complete the set.

Not everyone wants to spend time in a gym. Not all exercise needs to take place at a gym.

It seems to me that your wife may prefer you to go out into the countryside. You could have a nice enjoyable walk looking at the views. The steps are just as valuable as those on a treadmill at the gym and you get the benefit of fresh air. You could both wear a pedometer and see how far you have walked. If you wish to keep records of exercise done you can jot down the number of steps and distance walked later when you get home. Pack a snack of fresh fruit and diet soda and you will feel like you have had a pleasant day out.

Retail therapy can also have it's benefits. The last time that we went shopping at a mall or in a city centre we walked for miles. Wear a pedometer and see how far you walk. If clothes shopping is inclined to be sensitive - you could offer to buy her shoes or something similar which has not really changed as she has got a bit bigger - e.g. jewelry, bags etc. Alternatively you could look for music she likes or something for the home.

Walking is a valuable exercise and can help people lose weight. I have lost 92 pounds this year following a strict diet and walking regime (although I still have as much to lose again). I was inspired by the weight loss of Charlie Walduck using this method which is described on



Charlie lost 420 pounds in two years.

Best wishes
Margaret
 
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