Hell's Bells!

HellsBells

HellsBells

New member
Soooo...I'm going to give this diary thing a shot. I've never really kept a journal solely based on the ups and downs of weight loss...I'm kind of apprehensive about what's going to flow out of me!

Let me get this out there right now: I've got a big issue with depriving myself. I can't have an only-grapefruit diet for 3 days straight, nor will I ever attempt to "cleanse my system" by ingesting cayenne pepper and lemon water + syrup for weeks. I don't blame this on a lack of willpower; on the contrary, I attest this to the fact that I really do want a well-balanced system. I dream of a body filled with perfect levels of vitamins and minerals and fibers and proteins. BUT...and this is a big but...I don't want to make the act of eating any more difficult than it has to be. I'm not counting calories...I'm not obsessing over measurements. I don't think I could keep that up for a lifetime, and I don't want to be one of those girls that has to read the nutrition label of everything that passes through my kitchen. Don't take offense if this is your m.o., more power to you. If you have the patience and the drive to be so meticulous, your results are bound to come a lot faster than mine.

I think my bottom line is this: I don't want to trade my obsession with food in for an obsession with calories. I'm looking to get rid of the act of obsession altogether and have a healthy relationship with food that includes not using food as a social activity, and not over eating. I want to rely in my wits and common sense to get me where I want to be.

I'm not working toward a perfect body, just a healthy one. I'll let you know how it works out!

***EDIT***

I think I should probably add a picture of myself. I've never had a problem posting images of my face (taken at the right angle...in the right light...neck up please!), but I DETEST body shots. I hope to be able to monitor progress in this diary, so I'll be posting pics every once in a while. This picture isn't the best, but it's the most recent as it was taken on Sunday at my sister's birthday party. So this was taken 1/31/10, at 235 pounds.
 

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Welcome, and you are right that your life doesn't have to be about counting calories. All you really need to do is use common sense about your food choices. It's good to see you are making this choice and we wish you luck.
 
Insecurities

This is going to be a pretty painful list that I'm about to create. Let me preface this by saying I don't think I'm an ugly girl...as a child my daddy told me way too many times how pretty I was to think otherwise ;) But I have lots of moments where I feel it's easier to do without or not include myself to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of being overweight. Here's how:

1. Layers upon layers of clothes: it could be 80 degrees outside...but you can bet I'm going to have a sweater on. I've tricked myself into thinking my sweaters are these magical barriers that prevent the world from seeing the rolls and bumps of my stomach and back. My sweaters are like my security shields. I feel LUCKY to be anemic, because I really do get cold easily, and can always use that as an excuse as to why I wear sweaters in summer.

2. I hate taking pictures. I hate it. I don't want a reminder of how much larger/smaller I was. I don't want to endure the realization of "damn! I'm THAT big" when I finally sit down and look at photos of myself. It's so much easier to volunteer to be the photographer, than the subject.

3. I hate meeting new people. I often feel like I should hole myself up in my house until I lose at least 30 pounds. It's hard to admit this, but I guess I'm ashamed of how far I've let myself go. Whether it's my sister's co-workers, or my boyfriend's friends, or my mom's distant cousins...I always worry that they will be ashamed of me. In all honesty, I -know- this is ridiculous...my entire family loves me and proves this over and over again...but for whatever reason, I feel the need berate myself.

4. I constantly compare myself to my boyfriend's size. I am 5'4, and he's only one inch taller than me and about 65 pounds lighter. I hope and pray for the day that I finally weigh less than he does. I hate that I wear a larger t-shirt size than him...I try to avoid doing laundry in front of him so he won't notice how large the inseam of my pants are...and I always envision that scene in "Shallow Hal" when he holds up that large pair of underwear! He's NEVER said a single thing about my weight and has no clue how much I weigh...or that I even have insecurities. Again...this is nothing more than self-imposed criticisms that are not warranted.

5. I'm pissed off that I can't wear half the shoes I own. I loooooove high heels and platforms...but my body weight is too much to even think of wearing them for more than a couple hours at a time.

6. When there's 4 people that have to fit in a 2 door car, I always volunteer to sit in the back because I'm afraid everyone will assume I'm too big to crawl in back...so I feel I need to set them at ease and let them know I actually can.


I imagine I'll add to this list. I've never really put this stuff down in words, and some of the things I listed sound so silly when I actually got it out...but they are still very much the insecurities that I deal with regularly.
 
Hi. just try to control your portion and start walking or doing any type of exercise for just 1/2 hr . Then slowly increase your exercise and start eating more healthy foods. you don't want to burn urself in first week. That's what I have done before. I would go to gym for 2 days and work out for 2 hours per day then I won't go for a month. Or try to eat 1200 calories for a week then I start to binge.
I started my exercise and eating right this week. Next week will try to workout for 45 min to 1 hr and will start to eat more fruits and less carbs.

Good luck and I know you can do it...
 
Weekend re-cap

Monday already!

This weekend was pretty good...very low-key. Hung out at Gabriel's (boyfriend) Friday night. We watched "Curse of the Golden Flower" and I didn't like it very much. I loooooved "Hero," but there was too much death in Curse and in comparison, Hero has much to offer visually. To try to lighten the mood, Gabriel put on some "adult" film called "Stagnetti's Revenge." Oh man! It's so strange watching high quality "adult" films that are shot at the caliber of feature films. I say give me grainy any day! There's something unnatural about seeing it all so clearly.

On Saturday we hung out at my house and watched some movie about Halloween called "Trick r' Treat." The movie is as if "Creepshow" and "Tales from the Crypt" had a baby. It was alright...I really liked the neighborhood and homes that set the scenery, and now have all kinds of new ideas for decorating my house this Hallowgweenie! We played some Little Big Planet, and then finished off the night watching "Old Boy," which was pretty good. The fight is possibly the best fight scene I've ever seen in a film!

Sunday was Superbowl, and we had some invites to a few parties but passed. Gabriel came over in time to watch the last quarter, I made him some french fries and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, we watched a bootleg of "Lovely Bones," and then I fell asleep to a documentary of Jeffery Dahmer. Gabriel woke me up to let me know he was going home, and then I crashed. "The Lovely Bones" was alright, but the book (as usual) is a lot better.

I just realized how many movies we watch when it isn't payday week!

I was pretty happy with myself this weekend since I worked out 4 days straight last week. Though the scale isn't showing any change, I can feel less tightness in my clothing. I don't feel so constricted, and this is a welcomed change. I've only been using the treadmill for one week, so this could just be power of suggestion...but I'll take encouragement any way I can. I'm exercising m-th, for 40 minutes at a time: 5 minutes of warm-up at 2mph at 1% incline, and then 30 minutes at 2.5mph at 9% incline, and then 2mph at 1% incline for 5 minutes. My goal is slowly increase my speed while maintaining the incline. Not sure if this is the right way to go about things, but it has to be a lot better than sitting around eating Girl Scout cookies all night long!

I could have eaten better this weekend...I made the mistake of buying Valentine's cookies and leaving them on my kitchen table, so every time I walked by I would grab one (or 4!). I even ate cookies for breakfast yesterday! yikes! It's kind of a relief to return to work because it's much easier to maintain a routine. Weekends are difficult because I have to make sure my elderly mother is fed, and she doesn't like to eat alone so there's dinner I at 4:00. And then Gabriel HATES eating alone to an extreme, so dinner II occurs around 8:00 at night which is his regular time for dinner. I just don't have the heart to refuse either of them :(
 
Hells,
I really liked your second post, the one with your insecurities, I think it is great that you formulated them. Once they are written down it is easier to work on them. I am much smaller and still have some of those. I still get nervous when i will meet someone because I think they will think I am fat.

Also I am one of those calorie counters and I did not feel hurt by your commenst at all. I understand what you say, I also do not want to be 40 and cooking for my children checking out the labels. But I think I will be, this is part of my personality, I am a bit over the top. I already counted cals before I even started losing weight, I need that "control" as a security blanket. But I let myself go (to an extent) when I am at my parents for instance. The thought of "how many cals was that"b goes through my head but it does not dominate my mind.
Anyho I think yous system is much healthier for your mental health and you don't need to know the cals to know what food does you good and what doesn't.

Have a great week and welcome to WLF, Camy
 
Camy said:
Hells,
I really liked your second post, the one with your insecurities, I think it is great that you formulated them. Once they are written down it is easier to work on them. I am much smaller and still have some of those. I still get nervous when i will meet someone because I think they will think I am fat.

Also I am one of those calorie counters and I did not feel hurt by your commenst at all. I understand what you say, I also do not want to be 40 and cooking for my children checking out the labels. But I think I will be, this is part of my personality, I am a bit over the top. I already counted cals before I even started losing weight, I need that "control" as a security blanket. But I let myself go (to an extent) when I am at my parents for instance. The thought of "how many cals was that"b goes through my head but it does not dominate my mind.
Anyho I think yous system is much healthier for your mental health and you don't need to know the cals to know what food does you good and what doesn't.

Have a great week and welcome to WLF, Camy
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Thanks so much for your reply! I enjoy this forum because it's so nice to observe the many ways and styles people have of reaching their goals. I'm hoping that even though our methods are different, we will both work hard and receive the big PAY OFF at the end :)

As for insecurities...aren't they a bummer? I've lost weight before, and the self-esteem that emerges out of all that lost fat amazes me. I am a big fan of acceptance and loving oneself...but my insecurities still abound. I'm attempting to turn them into a positive, and use their eventual disappearance as fuel to help me maintain daily exercise/healthier eating.
 
I'm going to try to update this on the last day and first day of my work week. Tomorrow is a furlough (oh the joys of being a CA state employee!), so here is my update for the work week.

I'm pretty happy with my results so far! I'm 2 weeks into this, and though I've not seen much difference on the scale, I can feel a change in the fit of my clothing and the appearance of my body. I always lose weight in the areas I DO NOT need to lose weight in initially...so my face/neck/upper shoulder areas are already morphing! Unfortunately, my stomach and thighs and arms are status quo.

then I tell myself: LADY! it's only been 2 weeks of treadmill use! Patience has never been one of my virtues.

I've increased my treadmill use to 40 minutes per day. Right now I'm watching the first season of Weeds to keep me entertained while I'm using that incline. Weeds is alright...it's kind of depressing to see such a trite depiction of upper middle class. I'll stick with barrio life, thanks!

My eating has improved significantly. I eat oatmeal every morning around 7:30...I'm not one for breakfast, so the less choices/thinking I have to do, the better. So oatmeal daily it is. I eat a piece of fruit around 10...this week I've been partial to apples with sprinkled cinnamon! Then I eat whatever for lunch around noon, but I insist on eating a vegetable and/or salad along with it. And then soy milk/ovaltine or nuts 2 hours after lunch. This seems to keep me satiated during the day, which keeps me from over-eating at dinner. So far, so good.

I'm finding that I have a lot more energy and will to do things...not sure if it's a physical reaction to actually exercising, or a mental effect of having pride in myself for actually DOING something about my weight.

I have a physical coming up in August, so one of my goals is to be a lot healthier than I am now by the time I hit the exam room. I hate, Hate, HATE getting chastised by my doc...especially about health concerns that are within my control (weight, blood pressure, etc.)

So I think I've come up with 3 tiers of goals for myself:

goal 1: weigh under 200 pounds, preferably by May.

goal 2: weigh less than 170, preferably around the time of my physical

ultimate goal 3: weigh less than 150, preferably by Thanksgiving.
 
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It's great to see how you are progressing. I did something like you did with insecurities in my journal so I know how important that is. I want to say the most important thing is how you feel and your attitude. Seems they are pretty high and you need to keep that up. It's wonderful how you are saying your clothes feel different. That says more than any scale can.

And with the fat coming off in other areas first, that's just genetics. We each put weight on in one order and remove in another. If you keep it up, it will start coming off those other areas, just you wait.

The only caution I will say is don't focus too hard on those deadline dates. It can backfire sometimes. As long as you are making the right choices, it will come off in plenty of time. I am positive your doc will see a huge difference.
 
HellsBells...keep up the good work...just take it one day at a time! Make TODAY count...tomorrow will take care of itself!

Fit
 
Jericho said:
The only caution I will say is don't focus too hard on those deadline dates. It can backfire sometimes. As long as you are making the right choices, it will come off in plenty of time. I am positive your doc will see a huge difference.
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Thank you!

I am such a list maker...grocery lists by store, things-to-put-in-easter-basket lists, books-I-need-to-read lists...and of course, the-amount-I-want-to-weigh-on-the-last-saturday of every month list. My deadlines are my goals and they are what keep me going...but now that you mention it, I can see how those deadlines can (and probably will) backfire. I -know- logically how important it is to keep on trucking when we don't get where we want to be in the time we assign...but emotionally it's often a different story.

Ironic how deadlines can be such a motivator...and a determination extinguisher as well.

So I say as I weigh less at the end of each month than I did the preceding month, I'll be happy!
 
I love 4-day weekends! Especially when Valentine's Day is smack dab in the middle :)

This is the first year IN MY ENTIRE LIFE that I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. Without losing focus on the purpose of this diary, I will say Sunday was fantastic and it's so nice to have someone to create creative gifts for that will no doubt be appreciated. It's just as nice to be on the receiving end of thoughtful gestures and careful planning. We kicked off Valentine's weekend by watching Sid and Nancy, and ended it with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was perfect.

So I'm going into my 3rd week of routine exercise. I've said I would work out 4 times per week...and I have. But I am realizing that my weekend eating habits are sabotaging all the hard work I do during the week. Monday through Friday I pack my laptop lunch (I'm absolutely obsessed with website for fresh and new lunch ideas), eat healthy dinners and work out. But then it's the weekend, and here comes the drive-thrus and restaurants and midnight runs to Denny's for milkshakes. 3 days of careless eating is completely undoing the preceding 4 days of healthy food choices and workouts! That has to stop. But how?

I've got this idea that healthy eating while out is BORING. I know it's not true...and I feel silly typing that...but when it comes down to me and a menu, the salad seems pretty mundane in comparison to the double bacon cheeseburger with fries. I have to teach myself to make smarter decisions...and ENJOY them. I want a body filled with the healthy stuffs...vitamins, minerals, healthy fats, fibers...and I need to somehow channel this when I'm about to order.

But don't get me wrong...I don't want to turn into a rabbit and eat solely salads. I want the happy medium between the salad and the double bacon. Maybe a BLT with a side salad instead of fries? I can do that! and I won't even feel cheated. It's so easy to come up with that when I don't have a fork and spoon and colorful menu directly in front of me.

Eating has always been such an exciting event...I never eat alone. That depresses me. I could never be a closet eater or a binge eater because no one would be around for me to talk to. If I'm eating, I've got someone to listen to or entertain and that means no holds barred! Give me the 1,000 calorie dinner! Give me that piece of cake for desert! We've got so much left to say!

I have a new goal, and it's to realize that it is possible to talk without eating. I do it all the time. But the arrangement of dining out and eating calls for gigantic meals. At least I think that's how it's supposed to be...and that's what I need to work on. I also need to stop feeling guilty when my boyfriend eats alone. That guy has been blessed with the gift of an almighty metabolism...and he has an active job...so he's allowed 20384032948 calories per day. But I am not so lucky. I don't know if it's cultural or what, but much like my family, Gabriel tends to display his affection through buying me food and literally spooning it into my mouth. He likes to cut little pieces of his steaks and put them on my plate mid-sentence. He likes to put a piece of shrimp in my mouth when I finish a sentence and he begins talking. I love him dearly, but I just can't eat every time he does. I don't require as much food as he does. It's as easy as that.

So I have a few week days to get back on track before the challenge of the weekend is upon me. May the force be with me.
 
I'm sick and cranky and feel bummed out that I worked out only twice this week. I had every intention of hopping on that treadmill, but the runny nose and achy bod just weren't having it.

It's amazing how down-and-out sinus/flu issues can make me. I noticed how winded I became just walking to my car after work yesterday. In all fairness, I work on a university campus and walk about a half a mile, uphill, to reach my car...but still!

I don't really care to step on a scale...in fact I don't really care about weight loss right now. I just want to get home and enter a nyquil haze and sleep my ailment away.
 
total BUST!

Wow. This weekend was a complete and total BUST! The flu prevented me from wanting to do much of anything...so exercise was a no-go, and my mood was suuuuper sour. Pair that up with a run-in with my supervisor minutes before I left on Friday, and that equaled the consumption of half a can of pringles and about 9 "clearance" Reeses peanut butter valentine's hearts the minute I got home. Now if that isn't a clear indicator of emotional eating, I don't know what is. Then I topped off the evening with about 5 pieces of pizza, coke (I never drink coke!) and a few more peanut butter hearts.

I maintained my binge-from-hell status the remainder of the week. Oddly enough, I couldn't even taste half the food I was eating; it's not like I had a CRAVING for all the crap I was digesting. I ate it because I could. I didn't feel out of control...I knew what I was doing...I just didn't want to make the effort to make a smarter choice. I found myself thinking: I'll get back on track when this flu it over, so I might as well live it up big time!

The thing is, the flu will appear again in my lifetime. As will bad days at work. And I've got to maintain a healthier approach to food at all times. If anything, my lack of caring has taught me how pointless my go-to style of eating is. If I couldn't TASTE the food, why didn't I take advantage of that and load up on carrots and tofu???

So here's to another week. I've packed a good lunch, and I'm looking forward to getting back on the wagon.
 
Hey where did you go? One bad weekend and that's it? Come back - I really enjoyed your story and would love to keep following you in your journey!
 
back in the saddle again

chubbygirl said:
Hey where did you go? One bad weekend and that's it? Come back - I really enjoyed your story and would love to keep following you in your journey!
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Here I am! I'm still trucking along. I took a brief hiatus (which also encouraged my body to gain back the few pounds I had lost), and am ready to get back into the swing of things.

My elderly mother had a broken shoulder and since I'm her youngest child, unmarried and with no babies, I became like her home health nurse. It was either this, or put in her in a home until she healed...and I say no thanks to that. I found myself drained, physically and emotionally, from caring for her. I can't even begin to imagine how mothers of small children do it on a daily basis. I would work...head home...and do whatever it was she needed. Physically, I wasn't doing much more than usual...but mentally, I had a constantly changing laundry list of what needed to be done now vs. the weekend, improving upon her ever-challenging bathing ritual, and at the very back of my thoughts was ME and what I needed to do for MYSELF.

Now that everything has settled, I'm looking forward to re-starting my journey. The best part about weight loss attempts is that you get to start over as many times as necessary, free of charge! So here we go...

I have a wedding to attend at the end of July, and I found the perfect dress to wear! My friend that I went to jr. high, high school, and was even a dorm mate in college with, is taking the plunge! I'm going to attach a picture of the dress that is my goal to fit into by the end of July. I don't care for the color much...I'm thinking more of a pastel pink. Luckily I have a seamstress that can recreate ANYTHING from decent pictures. So I figure I'll take this photo into her at the end of June so she can make it to my exact size. I hope that size is a lot smaller than it is now! The wedding in at noon, on a ship, in the middle of summer. It's going to be HOT. This means I can't wear a sweater to hide behind...so, here's to high hopes for wearing a pretty dress and looking good in it!

I've gained a few pounds back since my last entry, but amazingly enough, my waist size has gone done. Even though I haven't been journaling or exercising, I've been eating really well. The best I've ever eaten in my life, for weeks...maybe even over a month now! I've fought the good fight, and have figured out a way to not be so connected to food as a social outlet on weekends. I still eat...don't mistake that! But it's not such an event anymore...more like a necessity. I hesitate to verbalize this, because I know just how easy it would be for me to revert back to eat-everything-in-sight status...but for right now, I'm proud of my new perspective. It is a daily struggle to maintain, but at least I've got somewhat of a grasp.

Now if only I could actually ENJOY exercising :( I've done absolutely nothing. No form of exertion...for weeks. Except for this morning! I woke up and did some stretching for about 5 minutes, and 3 sets of 10 push-ups. Not much...but it's a start. And wow...I really suck at push-ups. Even the modified/girl type. I look forward to getting better at them.

Have you guys seen Bronson? There's a part on the special features where Tom Hardy discusses "becoming Bronson" with his trainer. Since Bronson is in prison, they had a work-out regiment that consisted of the types of exercises prisoner do...things that can be done within 4 walls with no equipment. It was FASCINATING to observe their training session! I'm amazed at what the body can do, with a lack of equipment! The body really is miraculous.

My boyfriend and I have a trip to New Orleans planned for the end of June. It's our one year anniversary, and we decided NO GIFTS...instead we would spend time together traveling. It's my goal to learn to sew simple skirts and if I master that, move on to summer dresses. I have so many clothing ideas in my head, but just can't find them anywhere! because they don't exist! So along with planting my garden this weekend, I'm going to focus my attention on learning to sew. My boyf is dusting off my mother's sold singer that is housed in the garage, and bringing it inside for me to begin to use. I wish me luck!
 
HellsBells said:
I would work...head home...and do whatever it was she needed. Physically, I wasn't doing much more than usual...but mentally, I had a constantly changing laundry list of what needed to be done now vs. the weekend, improving upon her ever-challenging bathing ritual, and at the very back of my thoughts was ME and what I needed to do for MYSELF.
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LOL, yep, that's about right. You get used to it... sort of.

Glad to see you back! As far as the exercising goes, is there any activity you enjoy that would be more fun then a normal workout? Maybe biking, swimming, running, dancing, whatever? It really doesn't matter all that much so long as you are moving.

That's a really cute dress! I'm not a dress person, but I wish I could wear something like that. Someday. ^_^ Good luck with the sewing! I love to sew, it's so much fun. But I'm not very good at making things out of my head, I need a pattern.
 
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