Heather's New Start

day two . . .

le sigh. . . . .day two has been alright so far, but nothing great to speak of. i forgot to have my snack before i left for my training for work this afternoon (new computer system) and i was somewhat hungry when i came home. instead of eating like i SHOULD HAVE, i went to the gym because the boy was going to be home soon and i wanted to get in a workout before that happened. (ok, so the motivation was right, but i still should have eaten my snack) so i came back, showered, and in about half an hour while preparing dinner i was absolutely starving to the point where i felt nauseated.

so instead of saying 'hey i'll have that granola bar i was going to have earlier because dinner might take a while' or 'i'll eat my salad that i was going to have with dinner early so i don't eat something bad for me', i binged. just opened the fridge and the cupboard and stuffed my face. ugggh. included: provolone and gouda cheese, salami, and 3 handfuls of barbeque chips.

not long ago, i had a real problem with eating. i had myself down to around 400 calories a day, sometimes as low as 250. i lost 30 lbs in three months. during that time period, i was so unhappy and hungry all the time and it caused me to start smoking again. . . . .just a very bad situation. not many people know to what extent i was starving myself, but i figure i should be honest on here. . . . .but i told that story to tell this one - the frustration and self-loathing i felt for myself when i would eat anything besides vegetables and broth was absolutely awful, and i felt a flash of that after i finished eating all that crap before dinner.

i just need to take a minute and reflect on the experience and to be ok with it. i printed out my nutritional summary for today, and it really isn't that terrible. considering i woke up at noon and ate two snacks, breakfast and dinner, my calorie intake was very reasonable. my sodium, as predicted, was absolutely off the charts. fat wise wasn't that fantastic either, but wasn't as bad as i thought it might be when i was inputting everything. i think my brain just amplified everything about that slip up and made me feel terrible about it. life is too short! i need to remember. . . . .i am ok with me in the now. i am happy with the way i look now to the point where i can feel comfortable with myself in social settings, etc. (this doesn't count bathing suit season, however!! ;) ) this is not to say that i don't want to change some things about me, but i refuse to look in the mirror and tell myself that i am fat and ugly. i live with a man who every single day of the two and a half years we have been together has told me i was the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. and he makes me feel that way too. i LIKE me!

i'm doing this not to become a runway model. i have no illusions that i'm going to be featured in the next victoria's secret catalogue if i work hard enough. i want to be healthy. i want to be able to run five miles a day eventually. i think that would be AWESOME. i want to be able to just feel happy, full of energy, and to enjoy my life with my man.

that's what i want!

SO. . . . .now that i've babbled on for forever, i'll stop and give my mealplan for the day. . . . which i actually feel better about now - writing is so cathartic! :D

breakfast:

egg beaters
light wheat bread
milk
nonfat margarine
(412)

dinner:

carrots
broccoli
chicken brest with worchestershire sauce marinade
chicken rice mix (never again - INSANE HIGH SODIUM!)
(537)

snacks:

sugar free fat free jello with strawberries

barbecue chips
salami
provolone
gouda
(807)

calories: 1756
fat: 80 (over by 12)
carbs: 140 (under by 19)
protein: 110
sodium: 4735 (over by 2435)

as of right now, i'm finishing up the last 8 oz of my daily water intake :)

sorry if this entry was ridiculously long, but it helped me out a lot!

have a great night everyone
 
Hi Heather!!

Don't worry bout the mini binge. To have your calories for the day still under 1800 with that is very impressive!!! And the important thing is the lesson-eat that granola!!!

I'm sorry to hear of your eating problems in the past, but you have such a positive attitude now that you don't need to have those scared feelings any more :)

*Hugs*

PS your man sounds fabulous and so supportive of you, that is brilliant!! It is wonderful when someone makes you feel that way :D
 
wow, i totally understand what your going through. there was a time where i'd starve myself too, and i hated that version of me. i have had issues with my boyfriend because i made myself feel bad about the way i looked-and i know thats wrong too. definitely brush off the small bumps in the road! it looks like you know exactly what your doing and your great at it!!!

keep up the wonderful work, I know you can do it!

ps-writing is definitely cathartic! helps calm down the nerves and see things in a more true perspective.
 
alcohol throws off the calorie count of the day. . . .

so i write tonight a wee bit inebriated, and not afraid to admit it.

calorie count today was FABULOUS except after i added the 3 beers i drank after dinner. oi. ah well! i'm making baby steps, and indulgence every once in a while is alright. what i really need to do is get me some malibu rum and diet coke. . . . .then i'll only be adding 50some calories to my mealplan instead of 130. whoo. maybe that'll be an excursion tomorrow. . . . .part of my exercise! haha.

i did day one of C25K!!!! and i wanted to share with everyone something fun. . . .i live in philadelphia, pennsylvania. . . .literally two blocks from the art museum. so i figured i would run down to center city via the parkway, then run back up, around near the art museum and back to my apartment complex. i had JUST finished the C25K run of the day, and i had just reached the art museum area so i decided for a little bit of an extra challenge, i was gonna pull a rocky and run up the steps (minus the jumping around at the top part). so i did it! ran up all those steps even though i was absolutely exhausted and loved the view from the top. you can see the entirety of center city from there and it's just awesome. makes me really proud of my city :) ran back down again and nearly lost my balance, my legs were so wobbly. but i did it! listened to one of my favorite workout songs, too, which i think i'll post after i finish this entry. then i walked back to my apartment, stretched and took a long shower!

soo. . . . .because i can't find the mental capacity to focus on writing, i'm going to just list my meal plan for the day:

breakfast:

egg beaters
toast
smart spread nonfat margarine (which btw is REALLY GOOD!)
glass of milk
(337)

lunch:

1/2 wheat pita
healthy choice 97% fat free ham
mustard
cherry tomatoes
(246)

dinner:

pork tenderloin
couscous
broccoli
salad with light done right three cheese ranch
3 beers
(882)

snacks:

health valley wheat crackers
laughing cow light swiss wedge

fat free sugar free pudding
strawberries
(329)

totals for today!

calories: 1794
fat: 31
protein: 92
carbs: 224
sodium: 3956 (1600 over)

how in the world do people get their sodium levels down!?!!? i consider that a fairly good day eating wise, and i still had way over my sodium allowance. i don't think i'll ever be able to get it under control unless i eat everything simply naturally. . . . .oi. maybe i won't dwell on it so much.

and so i depart. yay beer! boo to the calories it added! oh well!
 
the scale is annoying

hello everyone!

so can i just share something - the scale really annoys me. i realize that it's good to get in the habit of weighing yourself regularly and everything, but i'm getting on every day and it frustrates me because it fluctuates from day to day. not to mention i can't even move my ticker because somehow that day i weighed myself, i must have been super skinny because i haven't been 190 since! the next time i weighed, i was 193, then after that it's been 191.5 then 191. i do have to say that if the first one was an abberation, then i'm moving in the right direction and i should stop worrying so much. and it's not really bothering me, i mean let's keep in mind this is my week one and i JUST started this meal plan. let's see how i do next week before i worry. :)

did day two of C25K yesterday, yay! it gets easier every day you do it, but every week they bump up the intensity. this week i'm alternating running 60 seconds and walking 90 seconds. trying to keep track of the timing and how many cycles i've done really makes the run go fast! i've been listening to one song on repeat for my runs simply because it's easy to tell where i am in a run because i know how long the song is, at what point in the song is a minute, etc etc. i do have to say that it feels good to get out there and exercise again. yay!

have work tonight so i can't write too much, but i'll write up my mealplan from yesterday:

breakfast -
oatmeal
raisins
skim milk

lunch -
pepperoni pizza lean pocket (and DARN these things are so good!!!!)
cucumber
mushrooms

dinner -
lean cuisine 4 cheese pizza
salad with light four cheese ranch

snacks -
pretzel sticks with hummus
crackers with laughing cow cheese
sugar free fat free pudding with strawberries

more snacks than usual because i was up for 22 hours. . . . .woke up at 10am, did my daily routine, then worked from 7pm to 7am! by the time i got home into bed, it was 8ish.

it's somewhat annoying on the days that i start a stretch of work because i usually wake up in the morning and then stay up until the next morning, so i will always have a higher calorie count on those days. i guess the days that i have off when i wake up at like noon and only eat breakfast and dinner balance it out. (usually first day off is like this - i'll work all night then wake myself up early so i can get back on a night sleep schedule)

ah well gotta get ready to go back to the grind! here's hoping tonight isn't as idiotic as last night. . . . .i love being a nurse, but if you're in a bad mood/out of sorts, it's hard to go on autopilot sometimes when you're responsible for people's lives!! le sigh. such is life!

have a great evening everyone!!
 
That's the problem with weighing everyday. I can't do it - makes my head spin! Looks like you're doing well with your food.. hang in there!!
 
barely conscious

ok! got my butt out of bed like 40 minutes ago, and it's taken me this long to wake up enough to write down my food and calories. i dunno, something's going on with me. . . . .maybe it's the diet change this week, i don't know. i've been really tired the past two days. have also felt just mentally 'fuzzy'. i dunno.

anyway, food for yesterday:

breakfast -
oatmeal with raisins and skim milk (453)

lunch -
pita with healthy choice ham
cherry tomatoes (161)

dinner -
dippable veggies (cucumber, mushroom, carrots, tomato)
light four cheese ranch
lean cuisine spinach and mushroom pizza (i'm a bit pizza obsessed this week) (448)

snack -
crackers and laughing cow cheese (175)

total - 1237!!!
fat - 29
carbs - 198
protein - 54
sodium - 2087 (finally under my recommended level!!!!)

ok. . . . .trying to continue to wake up, then C25K run. . . . .then a pub crawl. oi. i dunno everyone, this is going to be a tough one. will report back tomorrow!
 
oh and woohoo i'm now officially a junior member! yay!

i also changed my ticker . . . . just because i really feel that initial weight was off. don't know if that is just overamplifying a weight loss that didn't actually happen, but whatever. the important thing is just to keep working at it, and see the ticker go further and further down :)
 
feeling accomplished!

good monday morning, all! (well it's still technically morning for 15 more minutes. . . .;) ) so the weekend update on the whole was really really good. went to the pub crawl and didn't binge eat which i am known to do when i drink. (hellllooooo undrunk food in college!!!) kept everything in good moderation, even the alcohol! had a nice salad and a lamb kebob appetizer while i was out, then didn't cave to anything else the rest of the night! i think it helped, however, that the bar i went to after the pub crawl (yes. . . .liver is unhappy with me for that night. . . .) didn't serve food. i do have to say though that because i didn't eat that much during the drinking period (and really. . . .i was out from about 5:30 until 1 in the morning) that definitely affected how much each drink affected me!! i think i had a total of . . . five and a half drinks during that time, and i became roaringly drunk. le sigh! but the first three were beer (it was a beer pub crawl, i had to allow myself that) then the last two and a half were rum and diet coke. SO. . . . . .not healthy for me but not too bad either.

sunday was a day of recovery and even then instead of indulging in my usual fat fest to 'cure the hangover' so to speak, i kept with my diet and ate everything i was supposed to!!! and i am proud to say that this morning i am able to move my ticker back one lb!!! yay me!

am worried for next weekend - it's my homecoming and my friends that are coming in are CRAZY alcohol consumers. and i really want to go out with them and see them but i know it's just going to be booze booze booze. i'd like to avoid the excess calories. maybe i'll allow myself a night of 'crazy' and then have a night where i kinda keep it under control, as in a drink or two. my friends really really really love the drink. oi.

so now to post yesterday's food!

breakfast -
raisin bran with skim milk (323)

lunch -
cherry tomatoes
lean pocket pepperoni pizza (296)

dinner -
broccoli
baked potato with light sour cream
1/2 buffalo chicken sandwich (was too full for the whole thing!!)
includes: 1/2 chicken breast breaded with egg beaters, breadcrumbs, paprika and red pepper flakes. bake at 350 for 20 minutes, then toss with hot sauce! place on whole wheat bun with lettuce, tomato and 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing (tried to find lite blue cheese, but our dumb grocery store didn't have any). DELISH! even the boyfriend liked them!!! (650)

snacks -
sugar free fat free pudding
blackberries
quakes ranch rice snacks (266)

not bad.

i'm officially 1 lb away from being in the 180s! rock :-D
 
congrats! I know how you feel, this sat nite, i got butt drunk and wanted to inhale a pizza! but i didnt and i was so happy the next morning!!! anyways, I know you can keep up the good work, just think how much closer you would be if you kept the healthy eating going over the weekends!
 
can't i be paid to stay at home?

so work has absorbed the past few days of my life. i'm having a semi-crisis of career right now. on one hand i really like nursing and i don't know what i would do if i wasn't doing it, but on the other. . . . .there are idiot doctors, verbally abusive patients, the endless scores of completely disgusting tasks that nurses have the priviledge of doing. . . . . .ugh. i started studying to get my critical care certification about three weeks ago, and i'm nearly halfway through the cardiovascular section which is HARD. i hate CV stuff, it's so not my strong point. but i'm hoping that with this studying, i'll then move to study for my GREs and then apply to grad schools. i don't want to stay with my current hospital. . . . i think the nurses aren't treated very well there. granted, it's not the WORST environment i could be in, but i think my profession deserves better. i have a manager who is relatively new and who basically kisses the ass of administration and turns a deaf ear to the nurses. it's so frustrating. . . . .the other night i had a patient who had a blood transfusion reaction, then had to have a bowel prep for a colonoscopy (read: 2 gallons of clear liquid he had to drink until what came out was clear. NICE.) and had a nervous response to straining while he was on the commode that dropped his blood pressure to 70s/40s and heart rate to the 40s (very very bad. . . . .90 year old gentleman could have died from this particular response if his heart hadn't resynched itself - elvis dying in the bathroom? that's the result of this reaction) and during this time period i literally didn't sit down. the doctors were with the patient and i during about 70% of the about four hours during which this happened, and they knew what was going on.

three days later i get an email from my manager asking me why i didn't chart in the computer the vital signs for this patient for four hours. (which, btw, i went back and did after things had calmed down - we have a remote monitoring center that 'helps us out' in case of emergency. i'd say about 70% of the time they aggravate us more than help, but whatever) i told her the situation, and apparently i should have had another nurse chart my signs during that time so the remote monitoring system would know what was going on.

EXCUSE ME?!!?!? the DOCTORS WERE THERE. i think the health system is just trying to justify the millions of dollars spent on useless technology. ugh. UGH.

so ANYWAY. . . . . .apologies for the rant. i'm just frustrated because when i first went to the unit there was a different manager who i felt really listened to the nurses. and now we have ass kisser who literally will write you up if you don't chart your vitals to the almighty remote monitoring people. F that. i'm going to stay here until my student loan pays off, keep my head under the radar, and get the heck out. i work in the ICU. my patients are sick. i don't have time for BS, i'm working on my patients thank you very much. the focus is just so out of whack it makes me sick. plus i really don't like our attending physician - i think he is an arrogant bastard who doesn't value the nurses.

*ahem* so anyway. . . . i updated my ticker! SO excited to be in the 180s. this is the weight i was senior year of college! funny how i can count down the 10s of lbs by the years of college. senior year 170-180s, junior year 160-170s, sophomore year 150-160s, freshman year 140-150s. senior year of high school i was in the upper 130s. would so so so love to get back there.

the eating is going really well so far! i've been staying essentially within my calorie limits according to sparkpeople every day, and my breakdown of where the calories are coming from is right on!! most days, the fat percentage is lower than what is recommended which makes me really happy. i'm so not feeling making dinner tonight though. . . . . .oh my. but! . . . tomorrow is 'date night' with the man, and we're going to a fabulous little italian byo in center city. so in order to allow myself a little indulgence there, i'm going to suck it up and nuke a lean cuisine for dinner. . . .that's easy enough! :)

i'm thinking for the november challenge, i'm really going to focus on my daily calories and limit them to the median of my SP recommended calories. somewhere around 1575 or 1600. it's a gradual process. . . . .i know a lot of people on here do the whole 1200 thing but i think i'll just work myself to that point. plus if i'm losing weight now, there's no need to challenge my body more until i feel i could use it! it's hard to remember the crap that i used to put into my body before i started to fix it. . . . .wow. but at least i stopped in time. . . . .was still 10 lbs lighter than at my heaviest last year!

well now that i had time to fully enjoy my cup of coffee and wake up, it's time for me to get my butt out there and work on finishing week two of couch to 5K! i'm thinking today's running song will be 'sexyback'. oh yes.

I'M bringing sexy back! ;) hehehe
 
so annoyed

so this weekend turned into one huge calorie binge. i'm fairly disappointed in myself. . . .especially after the scale telling me i went back 2 lbs. luckily. . . . .i don't have weekends like this very often, it was basically because i had my homecoming weekend this past weekend. i just don't want to be one of those people who slips up on the weekends only to get back to it on monday because then i feel like everything i did during the week was for nothing!

i definitely paid for it though. . . . .had an intoxicated eating session at one point during the night on saturday and i was so full afterwards that i got the hiccups for about half an hour, then started to get a serious cramp in my side about an hour after that (followed by another bout of the hiccups). i was in so much pain and discomfort that my boyfriend actually thought of taking me to the hospital!! i still feel a bit sore, but nothing like i was feeling last night. i think the combination of overstuffing my stomach (after two weeks of trying to shrink it with smaller meal portions) plus having the hiccups for nearly 2 hours just hurt my abdominal muscles.

ugh! i'm so annoyed! but my question to anyone reading this. . . .is how do you handle going out with friends? my lifestyle right now and my friend's lifestyles are such that they LOVE going out to bars. i'm kinda seeing myself getting out of that scene soon - i kinda enjoy a quiet night at home or a dinner out with friends much more. but. . . . .when this particular crew (ie. the homecoming crew this past weekend) is out, it's just a constant boozefest. and since i haven't been eating as much and i've been exercising more, i definitely feel it affecting me more. i guess. . . .i guess i just have to adjust the amount i'm drinking, or maybe the time i spend with them - or maybe just try and alter the time i spend with them. instead of joining them for a night out, maybe i can suggest somewhere to go for dinner then opt out of the drinking part.

i dunno. this is turning out to be one of the harder lifestyle choices i've had to make. everything else - the smaller more frequent meals and the exercising - has been relatively simple thus far, and i've actually really enjoyed the couch to 5 k program. (week three this week!!) i think this portion of my life is going to be a tough one to regulate.

thank god next weekend there's nothing planned. just a simple weekend in with the boy, and i think i'm going to have it stay that way!!
 
hey hun, I totally have the same situation...but there is always a solution. you definitely sometimes have to take charge and suggest the place in order to get a place with a healthy alternative. usually, me going out with my friends means that i have a salad at the place (everywhere usually has salads) or in chinese sense-wonton soup! i drink pleanty of water when i'm there to make myself full so as i dont binge.... also-if you are in the mood to eat something unhealthy there and cant help it-order what you want, then eat the appropriate amount of calories from it-this may mean half or a third....but as soon as you eat it-ask for a box. this way you will be much less likely to jab and eat more of your food while its on the table. but the salad or something healthy like it is a great alternative, because i can eat it all and not feel bad!

drinking on the other hand is just one of those things that you have to account for...make sure u have enough calories to drink, or else you will have to go for hard liquor (which has min. cal's)

the biggest thing i want you to remember is that none of this advice will be worth anything unless you THINK about and make the decision to eat healthy before you get into the car or get to the table. if you have already figured out that you want to eat healthy or the right proportion, you will be able to resist binging! and if I/you have heads up as to where you will be eating, you can usually try to see if they have the nutritional info online....

since i eat out a lot with friends here is my menu for how/wat i eat at these great restaurants:

OLIVE GARDEN: usually get soup/salad combo (nut. info online)-never eat the bread but can have a few helpings of soup/salad

WOODSTOCKS/ANY PIZZA JOINT: one slice=300 cals, plus a house salad

CHINESE: wonton soup, or half portions of steamed rice/broccoli beef

APPLEBEAS: SALADS, THEIR WEIGHT WATCHERS MENU

CHEVY'S: THE SALAD, HALF PORTIONS OF A SIMPLE MENU ITEM (say no to combo's!!!!!)

INNOUT OR OTHER BURGER JOINTS: only a regular burger-NO CHEESE-and DEFINITELY replace the "special sauce" (usually mayo filled thousand island dressing) with ketchup and mustard-you will still have that great burger taste without the bad cals-but i usually dont do french fries....that would top off the cals

--i really hope this helps--plus-dont forget that eating out this much will not only make you face temptation, it will burn a hole in your pocket--thats also a good excuse for not going out with your friends...

hope that helps!
 
ok. . . . .

the past four days i would rather forget, diet wise. i simply threw out everything i've been doing good for me and just went back to old habits. thank god the old habits usually were just for one meal a day and the rest of the day was ok. . . . .and i kept up my exercise routine. i dunno, i was just so tired and amotivated and hormonal (PMS kills me every time).

think i might sign myself up for that 'supporting diaries' thread - simply not because i need fans of my diary, but because i need a little bit of support and the feeling of accountability right now! i WANT to enter my calories every day on sparkpeople.

well, ok. . . . .i don't want to do that every day. some days i do more than others.

but what i actually really want to do is complete the couch to 5K program. that is a goal that i really like, and one that i feel like i can really complete. maybe i should focus more on that and less on the individual count of every single calorie that goes in my mouth. i don't know!!! suddenly (and maybe it's the hormones) the whole weight loss thing became much more of a big deal than it was when i started, and thusly seems much more difficult! guess i'm just suffering a 'can i really do this?' moment.

mind is made up. i AM signing myself up on the diary support thread. i CAN do this, and it is a GRADUAL journey that should not stress me out. it should be something that i work toward every day and not something i view as a chore, or as something that is too monumental to be accomplished.

i'm going to do this!
 
I totally know what your talkin about, I had the most horrible -food wise- four days! i ate halloween candy up my wazoo! but just like you, I am gunna get back on that horse, because I have been working too hard to let all my dreams go down the toilet. but mostly, I cant stand the guilt trips any more, I want to be rid of the self loathing experience that accompanies my eating habits-

we know what to do-LET'S GET TO IT! you can do it, so can I-just remember, one decision to eat more than you should shouldnt turn into a weeks worth!
 
Hi Heather!! I saw that you were in need of some support & thought I'd drop by. Here's the thing. Counting calories isn't fun. It sucks actually but its a great way to figure out what was going on weeks ago that could be impacting your progress now, good or bad. Not that you HAVE to do it but it's just another tool to make things a bit easier to deal with.

And cheat days are not a bad thing as long as they don't get out of hand and spill into the next day. Hang in there girl!! You CAN do this!! :D:D:D:D
 
Thanks for posting on my diary Heather! I thought I'd return the favor. It looks like your having a little bit of a hard time (PMS, yuck, so glad I haven't had one of those in a year, instead I was a vicious hormonal pregnant woman who wanted donuts constantly but was on a low fat diet, lol) Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you have my support. I was about at your weight at the beginning of my pregnancy, and I know it's hard but it will be worth it when you get down to the weight that you want! I've list about 30 lbs and I feel so much better (although miraculously I went down only 1 jean size, probably cuz my tummy is still flabby from pregnancy, get here you stupid exercise video!!!) I can't wait until I've acheived my goal. I'm going to look so hot and so are you! just keep going and even when you fall off the wagon, just know I'm here to give you a hand and help you get back on. good luck hon!
 
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