Hangs head in shame....back again***Diary of Kaplooie***

You just made me laugh out loud! Not sure if anyone heard me or not [emoji15] You are funny KP. Bleeding vaginas indeed! [emoji2]


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How is it already thursday?
My week has been really busy. The last two days I snaked out 12 dryer vents a day. Total of 24. Thats moving the dryers, twice. Hopping over a washer twice per job (once to get behind the dryer and once to get out of the hell hole trap I just jumped into). It was really active and I forgot to wear my fitbit for it today. Because the battery died. Again. I need to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to charge it because I don't always check my email to get the notice from fitbit that its low. My back is killing me now, lower small of my back. So tight. So sore. J needs to give me a massage.

My sister, whom I despise, is moving to Copenhagen. She interviewed for an internship for an international native rights group (or something like that, I was not paying attention when she was telling me about it), and she found out yesterday she got the job so she is going there for 6 months. I might have just inherited a cat named Penny because of the situation. Which I don't mind but I'm not sure how this is going to work out with the dog. I like the dog more, for the record.

Anyways...I have not eaten all day. And I just poured myself a glass of wine. I had a breve this morning around 10 and its 5pm right now so I should probably eat something to tie me over until dinner. J still has not caught a silver salmon for me and I was banking on that for dinner tonight (well, not the salmon but the roe if it was a female). Now I guess it'll be chicken thighs and sauteed veggies. Sounds healthy enough.
 
How does a device able to send you emails (even if indrectly) not have a blinky light somewhere to tell you it´s hungry? I didn´t know technology could be passive-agressive.
Not eating all day while you´re working like a mine-horse sounds rough, take care of yourself please.
 
By gum love! You are doing so well... what is a fitbit? I wish I lived near you. We both love salmon and live on one of the best salmon rivers in the UK. It costs so much for a rod on it that only the very rich and the poachers can fish it
 
Annnnnd I'm back.

Probably a bit fatter. I feel like SHIT! Been lazy. Been depressed. Been MEH. Just not into it. I needed a break from constantly scrutinizing everything about myself for a few days. Which turned into over a week. But I'm back. Oh, and single for the most part. J and I will still "see" each other, and maybe date (looooong story). But I am branching out. Not putting all my eggs in one basket anymore, for now. Unless I find a really fine ass basket that NEEDS all my eggs.

Work is work. Things have got a little weird over there. The weather is turning towards the cold dark wet windy side so we are doing a lot more stuff inside. Which seriously impacts my step
counts. I'll need to be getting back to that gym. Need activity so bad lately. I can feel my fat growing.

I'll be around to diaries tomorrow hopefully. I'm tired right now and I don't know why. All I did today at work was inventory. I think lazy and tired are a vicious cycle, and the dwindling minutes of daylight in my life are having a negative impact also.
 
I'm glad you're back, but sorry you have been down. I understand you not wanting to put all your eggs in one basket. We should be very selective with who we share our eggs with! I hate it when the days draw in & daylight starts to dwindle away. I would send you some of our sunshine if I possibly could. I am so dependant on light. My mood is totally connected to the daylight (& full moons, but we won't go there!). I am sending you a whole lotta love KP because I have it to spare & a little bit extra love, without any strings attached, never goes astray xoxo Cate
 
:grouphug: Hugs in case you have a use for them, reclaiming eggs is never easy but sometimes the best thing to do. That, combined with dwindling daylight and sinking temperatures is all you need to feel a bit yucky. Don´t feel guilty if you don´t have it in you to visit other people´s diaries for a while, we all get that sometimes and the most important person to take care of is yourself.
 
Dear lord I need to get off my fat ass and do something about it!
Things have been crazy. I have picked up a few side jobs to supplement my income. I have also been on and off with J, its been weird. For the last few weeks we have gone out a few times a week on dates, mostly lunch dates since I'm keeping him away from my home life and my son as much as possible. No sense in those two getting too attached to each other. My son turned 14 last weekend. That ended up being three days of parties (slumber party straddled two days, then family party). There was a lot of pizza, fry bread tacos, and cake. And cheese. And wine. Mommy needed lots of wine.
So I'm afraid to ever step on the scale again. I'm wearing my fat jeans and while they are not tight, my "skinnier then fat jeans" jeans are too tight to wear if I want to breath and have digestive functions. After the kiddo's birthday parties and presents and having to buy a new car (the old pickup was a total loss after a hit and run accident) I'm pretty broke so doing low carb is kind of out of the question unless I do nothing but eat fish. I think a lot of calorie counting and beans and canned vegetables are in the future. Plus I had to buy my son's annual ticket to go see his Dad (one way, his dad has to buy the return). But it was still expensive since I live in the middle of nowhere, with no airline competition there is one flight and one price and you pay it or you stay home. Being alone sounds sad for christmas. Not only will the kiddo be gone but J will be gone on vacation for two months starting this monday and won't be back till after the holiday. Not that I was banking on spending the holidays with him, eggs in different baskets and all.
Anyways, thats my update. I'm back. Going to be doing ~1400 cals a day of food...whatever I can scrape together. And my only work out options right now are walking (until the weather sets in then I don't know what I'll do). I have some free weights, if it snows a lot I can always shovel...I really wish I could afford a gym pass but I have some priorities before I can do that, and while fitness should be a higher priority it falls far below mortgage, insurance, electricity...you know...
 
Boo on the fat jeans, tight or not. And financial trouble SUCKS. You may want to check out Mark Lauren ("You are your own gym") for bodyweight exercises while you haven´t got gym access. More hugs, I´m glad you´re back with us.
 
Thank you LaMa and Cate!

Sick to my stomach and have a headache today. Don't know where it came from but it started around 2am, when I woke up because of the headache and some kind of anxiety attack and then the stomach followed suit this morning after I went to work. I'm going to try and eat some soup in a little while. Hope you all are having a better day then I am!!!
 
Hi ya, I'm new around here. :)

Get Well Soon!

************

Had to giggle at the fat jean chatter.. :D I have just went through that myself! :grouphug: I know the pain!!

I was so hoping I would lose quickly and refused to buy 16's again (always give away/donate to inspire me NOT to get back in them)... I was all squished into 14's and miserable.

I'm amazed I could even digest food! HA! :biggrinjester:

Had to break down last week and buy 16's.. Darn It! A truly depressing moment. My intestines thank me though as they were tired of being on my lungs! :ack2:

Have A Goal Reachin' Friday! :waving:
 
Sorry I'm slow on the updates lately. I have been struggling with daily and nightly anxiety attacks, which, at 36 is a pretty new thing to me. It's gotten to the point today that I've come home from work to literally hide from the world. Its a combination of things causing it, work, stress, personal life issues and its creating its own vicious cycle...you know, since I left work early to deal with a freaking melt down now I'm going to have to make up for it tomorrow...more stress... I keep telling myself to just suck it up, its all in my head but its just NOT that EASY.

J just left today, we sort of reconciled before he left and now he is going to be gone for two months. He did decide to change his ticket to fly back here on Christmas Eve so I won't be alone for the holiday. Which was a nice gesture but I didn't need/want/or ask him to do so. I think him leaving really did spurr todays melt down even though I am loathe to admit that to myself. I don't want to be the girl that needs a man, or, specifically needs a man who leaves me wanting in many areas of our relationship. He "got back together" because he was serious about being serious and had bad jealously issues with me seeing other people and I have to admit that the idea of him seeing other woman was irking me. I just think we started things in a crazy whirlwind of being together just to be together because we had both wanted it for so long and it was the first time we were both emotionally available at the same time. But I had just come off of a bad end to a relationship and never let that sink in. Like, literally, there was a whole week where I was single. ANYWAYS, word vomit. :puke: Sorry.

Diet wise I think I'm managing poorly. We have eaten a ton, I shit you not, a ton of pinto beans in the last week. Thankfully I sold my old wrecked truck to a guy who wants to fix it up for himself so I do have a few spare nickles to bring home some actual vegetables. And maybe some meat. But the kiddo said he didn't mind the mostly beans diet because now he can practically fart the alphabet. I bet our blood pressure is stellar. We are having fish and potatoes tonight for dinner for a change. Lots of fish in the freezer and the potatoes where on sale at the store.
 
Anxiety IS in your head, of course, but that doesn´t mean it isn´t real or shouldn´t be taken seriously! Sounds like it may be a good thing to have J away for a while so you can have some time to deal with the hundredthousand other things you do. Hope you feel better soon, and I really hope you are talking about these things with a trusted friend. :grouphug:
 
Oh, KP, I am in such a shitty mood tonight that I am not much help at all! I have missed you. Love & relationships are not easy. Wanting to be independant & then feeling like you need someone.......I don't know any perfect people or perfect relationships. I have had a meltdown today too, so I won't say much more. Life is never straightforward. Can you imagine growing old with J? That's my criteria. When obstacles have come my way I have asked myself. Do I really love him? Is this worth risking our relationship? Do I want to grow old with him? My answer has always been yes. I'm sure it doesn't work work for everyone, but it has worked for me (44 years together & 40 years married on Friday & yes, I still love him & think he's lovely.)
Sorry sweets. I'm sounding crazy. Today has been totally stressful. Sending you lots and lots of love, xoxo Cate Cate
 
Thank you all for the kind words. LaMa, I've tried talking things out with one of my girlfriends but she has been so negative lately that I just can't with her. Mostly I'm just bottling it all up till it explodes in a melt down. Hence yesterday. Doesn't help that my BFF is a dude and he hates J (he hates everybody I date on principal). Cate, I can't even see myself growing old honestly...I try not to think about it.

Didn't get much sleep last night, I watched a movie in bed, trying to fall to sleep with something that would occupy my mind and keep my thoughts off my shitty day. Around midnight I had another anxiety attack and total meltdown that lasted until 2am, so I probably got to sleep around three. I had nightmares for three and a half-ish hours and then the alarm went off at 630 and I've been up and trying to make up for yesterday ever since. I came home for lunch but as soon as I was here, hadn't even prepped my food, my boss called and wanted me to go back to the office to send her some paperwork which actually made me pretty mad. So I'm here eating anyways and internetting. I have to work a bit late tonight also since one of our janitors is not doing her job well and there was a complaint from a business tenant and I have to go clean their offices myself tonight.

Had a latte for breakfast with 3 oz of espresso and 8 oz of low fat milk. Just made a sandwich with stale whole wheat bread, 50% off sale deli sliced london broil, lettuce and mustard. Dinner tonight will be awkward crab. It's awkward because it was given to me by a guy who has a "thing" for me but its not reciprocated. But its free king crab and I could use a treat. I'm going to spring for veg to make a big cruchy green salad and a bottle of thousand island dressing and a grapefruit and make a crab louie salad. The kiddo will love that.

I finally got my fitbit charged, I don't know how I did it but I lost my charger and the kiddo found it last night while he was banging out his chores and sweeping the livingroom. It was under the loveseat.

I'm also gearing up for National Novel Writing Month, wherein I will write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. I do it every year. It's my thing. nanowrimo.org <---more info
 
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