Pretty Please, Oh heaven help me.. or Am I suppose to do that 
Hey there internet world,
I must say, this is a safe haven to escape to. I started reading Ali's post , and it got me thinking, wow.. I actually measured my life by how much I weighed in each grade.
I have been on this weight loss yo-yo ride my whole life. I attribute it to my emotional eating. I come from a really strong/negative house hold where everyone always compares themselves with each other. I have 3 younger siblings, all who are about a size 0,and then there's me, I'm in the double digits. It's always been me and the other three " pretty " ones. Growing up, one sister in particular always picked on me and made me feel ugly and unworthy. And my father, well, he said that compared to my sisters, I was like a normal car that anyone could afford, but my sisters were like the bmws that only few can attain. ( Way to go dad ) . I got comparted to a regular old civic while my sisters are the bmws. So, you can understand how I feel like Im not valuable or worthy him.
Ok, so now I'll stop whining, I just wanted you to get the picture.
If you looked at me from an outsiders view, you probably would think that I have the perfect life. I've grown up and I'm not butt ugly.. lol. I'm acutally ok. I have a man that loves me and who wants to marry me and I just graduated from Med school ,yet somehow I feel like I'm not good enough. So, I eat to make myself feel better.
This year has been really hard because my family hasn't been there to emotionally support me and has pretty much treated my fiance like crap.
I am a grown woman , yet I crave my family's approval so much.
I cant understand why since they have never been there for me.
I just passed all my Medical board exams and I didn't even get a call from my parents.
It was the most disappointing day of my life. All these years I've been working for my dream, and then I had no one except my fiance to share the joy of it. I was really sad. I cried so much cuz I really thought that they would FINALLY be proud. Guess not.
I come from a very conservative family, so its hard to express my feelings.
I'm afraid people would think that I'm a loser if I showed them how awful I really felt inside.
My brain knows that food won't take my problems away, nor my insecurities,
but it some how just comforts me.
Last year, I was 227 pounds. I went on the Atkins diet for a year and started excercising like a maniac for a year. I dropped down to 157 pounds.
I was so proud... I actually stuck with something and believed in myself.
But the moment I lost the weight and started dating and was actually " happy ", thats when my family turned on me...again.I feel like they were happier when I was fat, because I feel deep down they were glad that they had someone else to talk down about, so my other sisters wouldnt feel insecure.
But seriously, the moment my fiance asked for my hand in marriage, everything went to hell, and my family treated him like dirt.
And I feel sad because he is truly my soul mate, and no one has ever loved me or knows me the way he does. FYI he is well educated and totally is a guy any girl would bring home to meet their parents.
So, I slowly have been putting on weight since December, and I'm probably around 174. I'm too scared to get on the scale.
I feel like all my confidence is gone, and so is my motivation... but Im more scared of going back up in my weight.
So the question is... how do I motivate myself to love myself again when I feel like my own family rejects me?
I think to myself, who cares what I look like. Why should I care if they don't care . If your family doesnt share your happiness then whats the point.
Why work hard ?
If I sound " sad " , its ok, cuz this is after all the internet, and you would never know me.
I'm wondering if anyone else is just as scared as me. To actually have the Confidence in Believing that they can lose weight and have a BETTER life.
The Confidence to stand on the scale with out letting a number dicate your life and worth. The confidence to push out the negative things that people say about you... even when its your own family . The confidence of knowing that you're not alone in this world when it come to your weight... which is so personal.
I was wondering if anyone wanted to join me in getting back on this path of self respect, worth and happiness . I'm sort of intimidated to start this up on my own again, so if anyone wants to get started with me.. that would be great. We all could be each others cheer leaders.
Anyways, its 3:30 in the morning. Hopefully today.. I'll actually post this message out instead of deleting it.
Take care,
Molly
