Go!Dororo's Diary

[godororo]

Hello everyone.

This is possibly the second weight loss diary I've set up this month though there is a good reason for starting another one here. Yesterday I put up my "starting" picture and was endlessly mocked because of it. It hurt. I knew I had a problem, I was overweight .. but it still hurt. Thanks to their comments it was obvious that that forum wouldn't be conducive to my morale/motivation to lose the weight. I hope everyone will be far more forgiving and supportive .. but from all the posts I've read here, I think I've found the right place.

Well let's get to the important intro part ..

-- How much weight do you want to lose?
I'm currently 166 - 167 lbs at 5'5" and would like to lose between 40 - 70 lbs. I started 3 weeks ago around 170 - 172.

-- What is the timeframe for reaching your target weight?
6 months to get down 40 lbs. (to hit the 120s)

-- How do you want to accomplish your goal (what methods do you want to use)?
Currently I'm only 2 - 3 weeks into this program. The first week was just clean dieting with minimal exercise. The second week was 3 days of good exercise. So with this 3rd week, starting Wednesday, I'm going to really hit my stride. Lots of cardio - 40 - 45 minutes daily, supplemented with strength training. I have quite a bit of equipment and DVDs - though the ones I'll be focusing on is Jari Love's Get Ripped series (Slim & Lean, Ripped to the Core and Ripped 1000).

My diet is a major issue .. where I don't eat enough - and still feel like cutting back a whole lot more. I beat myself up a lot about what I eat - even if it is a sandwich. Add to the fact that that other forum kept berating me for eating carbs and asked me to keep eating only protein (plus supplements). So .. I'm sort of to the point where I am unsure what to eat. I don't binge, I don't have an ED but think I am somewhat .. scarily close to it.

-- Who or what can support you in reaching your goal?
I don't have much of a support system here. Everyone eats whatever they want and does not exercise. I hang out with my sister a lot and she's always always 120 lbs., and eats triple what I eat (i kid you not). It's to the point where I don't sit down and eat dinner with them because .. i don't want to overeat (which is incidently not even 1/4 of what they do). My sister sometimes mocks me for exercising. Ditto with my mom about food i.e. "You can eat this, it's low-fat .. there's nothing in it". And I guess everyone is puzzled as to why I'm the *fat* one when I'm not eating and exercising. And yes, my mom is an amazing cook .. so that's also part of the problem - hence avoiding meals.

-- How realistic is your goal?
I think it's an okay goal. Getting below 100 lbs. will be tough. The lowest I've ever been in adulthood was 135 lbs - that's with 2x swim training daily and weight training a few times a week. Though this 100 - 110 lbs is necessary as I'm expected to weigh 45 - 50 kg max.

-- When will you start?
Started 2 - 3 weeks ago but feel like I've only started this Wednesday (4 apr) as I think I'm finally going to push myself at the workouts (and hopefully see results!). The only thing that is most important to lose weight, for me, is exercise ...

Major Challenges
- lack of support
- food (eat more, eat less, don't eat, avoiding meals, confusion)
- food (preparing "good" food for lunch @ work daily -- currently i don't eat lunch at all)
- laziness in working out (yup I can admit that!)

Ah .. this is a long introduction. Thank you for reading all of it.

 

[godororo]

Wednesday - 4 April 2007

Workout
- 40 minutes walk-run intervals (up and down an incline)
- 10 minutes walking up stairs @ work

Diet - Ave-Bad

 

[Juliette1]

Hi, Dororo!
Welcome to your new diary! I'm sure you'll find the support you are looking for here. I wish you a good journey towards a slimmer you!
I have a question about what you wrote there:

-- How realistic is your goal?
I think it's an okay goal. Getting below 100 lbs. will be tough. The lowest I've ever been in adulthood was 135 lbs - that's with 2x swim training daily and weight training a few times a week. Though this 100 - 110 lbs is necessary as I'm expected to weigh 45 - 50 kg max.

I'm just a bit confused about WHO is expecting you to weigh 45-50 kg? You are the same height as me and weighing 45-50 kg would put your BMI to 16,5-18,4 which is under the recommended lowest of 18,5. According to BMI the weight of a person 5'5" should not go under 50,5 kg.
Just reading the information you shared with us, I'm thinking, your goal might be a little extreme for you. Is there a reason for going to such extremes?
Juliette

 

[godororo]

Hi, Dororo!
Welcome to your new diary! I'm sure you'll find the support you are looking for here. I wish you a good journey towards a slimmer you!
I have a question about what you wrote there:

I'm just a bit confused about WHO is expecting you to weigh 45-50 kg? You are the same height as me and weighing 45-50 kg would put your BMI to 16,5-18,4 which is under the recommended lowest of 18,5. According to BMI the weight of a person 5'5" should not go under 50,5 kg.
Just reading the information you shared with us, I'm thinking, your goal might be a little extreme for you. Is there a reason for going to such extremes?
Juliette

Hi Juliette. Thanks for the welcome.

About the goal of 45 - 50 kg, it's mostly expected of most women here. I live in an asian country so most women naturally are around that weight - or at least women my age. If you're around 50 - 55 kg you can hear them complaining about how they're "so fat" and dieting like mad to get below 50 or even better below 45 kg. The reaction from the people on the forum (mostly guys) to my weight, which is a good 26 -30 kg away from their sort of acceptable was just horrible too.

It's not to do with a particular person but just the reaction of people (to me) .. all my life. Even when I weighed much less at 130 - 150, which is healthy even to me .. i was always made fun of because of my shape (big-boned, hourglass, big boobs). I just think it'll be better .. in life, to live here .. if I "fit". It helps with shopping for clothing too. Though in the past I have always been sabotaging myself since i think it's in a way kind of like selling out. ["if someone can't like me like this, then why should i care about them" etc]

In truth it just doesn't or hasn't worked. No one truly sees beyond the weight and I can't imagine what people think of me when i walk down the street [seriously, they do see me as a monster]. This is as superficial as it comes .. but it's the honest truth that I have been mostly avoiding until now.

 

[godororo]

Thursday, 5 April 2007

Workout
- 50 minutes walk-run intervals (up and down an incline - loads more running)

Diet - Good-Perfect

 

[godororo]

Did not update from Friday - Sunday. Oops! Was somewhat busy and the diet was mostly good - ate loads of Japanese, although did have some bad items like chocolates and an iced mocha. Workouts were also missings - although walked a lot (shopped from 10 - 3 in heels).

Weight-wise no change, but then I don't think I seem to be giving it 100% (with the diet). My pants do feel looser in the thigh and waist area .. so maybe .. there is some progress there - though it's not reflected in weight. So obsessed with numbers ..

This week plan to hopefully get the 40 - 60 minute cardio workouts every single day. I'd like to reward myself with an iPod Shuffle (I have a Zen Neeon, which is HDD based and somewhat heavy) in a couple of weeks .. I'm sure it'll make me enjoy the workouts more.

 

[godororo]

Monday - workout @ 40 minutes (though it's only 30 minutes since 5 min was warmup and cooldown each) walk-jog but at lower intensity as sis was tagging along and mocking me. She'd fall back and walk with my mom at a much slower pace and when I'd loop back she'd call out to me asking me to go "Faster! Faster!" when she's totally slow back there and I'm going at 3x her speed. I know it shouldn't bug or annoy me .. but it does. It's the same like when I used to work out in the common area in the past .. and she and my mom would mock me for it. It's not malicious, but it is definitely like they're laughing at me .. or something.

Did not work out on Tuesday. I have to majorly incorporate some form of strength training into my program. I planned on doing the Jari Love DVDs but I haven't done them as often as I should - that full 60+ minutes .. doesn't make me want to pick it up. Thinking of doing 20 min in the morning before work.

Not sleeping very well lately as well. I go to sleep between 2 - 3 .. wake up at 7. I feel 100% tired. Yesterday evening I laid down on bed for awhile to watch CNN and promptly fell asleep - a key reason why I didn't work out. I know it's my fault for staying awake - not doing anything in particular, reading, watching a movie/TV show, what-not .. so must fix this .. and soon.

Drinking way too much coffee as well - i usually just have one (instant, very little water) in the morning but lately I need another one at lunch and then maybe another in the afternoon.

Weight is still 167 lbs. Clothing fits better and people have noticed a difference .. but .. I don't see it (and don't like it). I feel like I have so far to go ... not getting discouraged .. but it's so far away at times.

Sometimes I question myself .. why am I losing the weight? And realistically it's not because I "want to get healthy" or "not run out of breath climbing stairs" .. it's just because .. I want to "fit" - I don't want guys (boys, men) to mock me any more for being the fat one or laugh at me when I walk past. Ditto with women in fact .. since they're so easily 40 - 50 kg without working out even once in their life. The prejudice against anyone not in that weight range here is just .. pretty amazing really.

So 100% I am losing this weight for other people and not myself - this fact has always sabotaged the weight loss process when I hit the 150s (because I feel good at that weight) so I never get below that .. argh.

 

[godororo]

Have not updated in the past 6 days - at least not here. I am still tracking my food intake and workouts at the original forum (with the unsupportive people). It probably does not make sense to keep posting there .. but to just leave would be as if I admitted defeat. I want to one day go back there and post a "now" picture that'll blow them away. It's petty but .. it keeps me going.

Made major progress with last week, worked out much more .. the diet was mostly clean. Although Sat & Sun .. I did sneak in a few bad foods .. a few little Rolo(s) - a UK thing? can never find them here but are just so yum .. used to eat them every time we went to the UK.

Workouts for the week
Mon - 40 min cardio/interval training
Tue - none
Wed - 20 min cardio (outside) + Strength (Upper, small routine from stumptuous.com)
Thu - none
Fri - Strength (lower)
Sat - 35 - 40 min bootcamp (cardio + medicine ball drills)
Sun - 15 - 20 min drills (very late at night)

I missed two full days and Sunday was somewhat light - next week will try to only have one rest day (or none).

The problem is also that I can't seem to accept the strength days as a "done" or "good" day. I do a dynamic warmup (10 min) plus 5 different moves/exercises, low reps (2sets x 10 - 12 reps) with a reasonable-heavy weight. It does tax me, makes the final few reps difficult .. which is the point .. but at the end of the day, if you ask me .. I'd automatically say that "I didn't work out" since it doesn't feel like a good workout to me.

I'd also say that for any cardio-interval session that's below 35 minutes.

And it also helps contribute to the fodder I use to beat myself up about my weight (I gained 1+ lbs since about a week & a half ago .. to 167.8!) .. thinking that you know .. obviously i AM doing something SO WRONG with my diet and workouts.

 

[godororo]

Goals for Week #4 - Mon, 16 April to Sun, 22 April 2007

1. Cardio - 4x [35 - 50 minutes, interval-training]

2. Strength - 3x
**From stumptuous.com - beginner 3-day split
day 1 - lower body
1. Barbell squat 2 x 12-15
2. Stiff-legged deadlift 2 x 12-15
3. Calf raise 2 x 12-15
4. Pendlays 2 x 12 - 15
5. Medicine ball crunches 2 x 15

day 2 - upper body
1. Standing overhead shoulder press 2 x 12-15
2. Bent-over barbell row 2 x 12-15
3. Chest/bench press 2 x 12-15
4. Bicep curls 2 x 12 - 15
5. Ab crunches 2 x 12-15

3. Jari Love - Ripped 1000 (1x)

 

[godororo]

I should stop posting such long posts! I doubt anyone reads them.

This morning I am a measly 167.2 lbs .. at least I'm not in the high 167s any more although i doubt it's anything significant. I've been eating well, working out well (practically every day) but .. nothing amazing besides feeling better in my clothes. I don't like that sort of marker as really .. it's subjective unlike .. numbers.

My mom has in the past 2 weeks commented often about how I look better - from the back, I look more toned etc. and over the weekend I looked "very good and slim" in a new black skirt I bought. I always complain about how I need to do more but she says that it's more than enough and I just need to keep moving - she still worries about my diet or lack of it .. and how I skip all her meals (feasts) for a salad. She has been a little more supportive and understands that I can't eat like everyone else .. and does not prepare excess food (for my portion of the food). I think it's an typical thing where you feel guilty if you know your mom has cooked for you .. and you don't eat it!

Plus she's said how it puzzles her (and everyone who sees me .. not .. eat as much as someone my size would) .. how I'm overweight when others are not. I work out often. I eat less. Yet, I'm the fat one. I'm puzzled too At least I know that internally I am perhaps much much healthier than these skinny-fat people.

 

[godororo]

Progress Pictures

So .. this is the only starting picture I have although it's from the final week of December and not end of March (when I really started with the workouts-diet). I've never worn a bikini out before .. although I have bought one .. and it's like a wish list of things for me to do - before I'm 30 (for this) or in life in general. It's a goal .. so it is important. Pardon the amount of skin shown (though I kept it really tiny).

Dec 23, 2006 @ 172 lbs.
View attachment 3161

Next update @ Apr 23, 2007 (4 weeks)

 

[godororo]

Stepped on the scale this morning and I'm 169!!! Of course I ate pasta for dinner yesterday but that can't be the only reason why I gained up to 2 lbs in a day. In a single freaking day.

It doesn't help that I've already gained 1 lbs after doing the major change to my diet/workout schedule - last week, was a new high .. where I worked out for 6 days of the week and I was actually proud of the amount of effort I put into each workout. My diet had major improvements to the point where I was barely eating anything throughout the day.

I worked out as well somewhat late in the night ..
20 min warmup-cardio
20 min strength

Routine
1. Squat 2 x 12-15
2. Deadlift 2 x 12-15
3. Calf raise 2 x 12-15
4. Pendlays 2 x 8-10
5. Military Press 2 x 8-10
6. Wrist Curls 2 x 12-15

* with barbell, between 20 - 26 lbs (depends on the move)

A little tired of the lack of progress on the scale. A little? No, a lot ....

 

[Juliette1]

Hi there!
I'm sorry for you frustration. I can only share some of my own story. I started going to the gym last autumn. Managed to gain 2 kgs (over 4 pounds) in the first 3 weeks. Most of that was water, which my body gathered in unbelievable speed. Although my measurements went down and I started feeling a lot better both in my mind and in my body, I didn't start losing any weight until I figured out what was wrong with my eating. And I couldn't have done it without rigorous calorie counting.
It took me three months to figure out, that going to the gym and eating what I thought was right weren't going to take me where I wanted to go.
You can read more about my journey in my diary and in this post http://weight-loss.fitness.com/weig...liette-cross-training-romeo-3.html#post199192 are some good links to articles about what might be causing the lack of weight-loss.
I hope this helps!
Juliette

 

[godororo]

Hi Juliette,

Thank you for the link to your journal - it was very helpful! I'll take a good look at my diet in the next few days .. there is definitely something I am not doing right with it.

 

[godororo]

I have to take a closer look at my diet .. it is so not working at all. Over the weekend will stock up on different food choices and later today will have a chat with mom about not cooking me anything (I'll prepare it myself). Unfortunately this lasts for about 3 days before I have to sit down and talk to her again.

Sister said there was "no difference" in my body .. "but maybe it's cos i see you every day". Don't know why but that hurt .. since it's frustrating to be doing so good - or now i know that i've only been delusional into thinking i've been doing good. If i had sat my ass down and vegged out in front of the couch after work for the past 4 weeks, it would have made no difference. I wouldn't have gained, I wouldn't have lose anything .. which is the same situation right now.

She also of course went in with the jibes of "you got to work out faster/harder than that" ... less than 1 minute into a WARMUP - which made me stop until she left the room. With some privacy I did 30 minutes of cardio + the lower strength routine. She did nothing, of course .. and will not work out .. not for another 6 months (after she went with me 1x circuit out of the 5x i did that day) ... but is 120 lbs in the morning and 120 lbs in the evening despite eating 5x what I do. The unfairness of it is getting to me .. and it is childish behaviour .. but it's bugging me - especially with all her unhelpful comments.

This morning I am 167.6 - where I'm still 1 lbs heavier than when I started the workout routine 3 weeks ago.

 

[2Skinny]

Wow, if that's what you look like now in that bikini picture, you look GREAT. Don't be hard on yourself

 

[Juliette1]

Hei there,
Don't let your sister depress you! I have one too, I know how it feels.
My sister lost a lot of weight a few years ago. I have no idea how. She started from about 73 kgs (161 lbs) like me. She was studying abroad every second month during that time and I really rarely saw her. I'm thinking she lost the weight by NOT eating at all, which must have an effect on her health now and in the future. Nowadays she eats mostly tiny amounts of highly processed foods, which I don't find so healthy either. She doesn't exercise at all, if you don't count walking from home to bus and from bus to work, maybe 20 minutes a day. Her weight today, I'd reckon about 59 kgs (130 lbs). No muscle to talk about there...
She has given me heaps of clothes from her "larger" times, so I have to be grateful for that. Some of them are really too large for me now, because I've gone down in size a lot more than in weight. My own clothes from when I was about this weight are too big for me. When I was at my biggest, my sister was constantly bugging me about "my health", and telling me where I had excess fat etc. Now that I've lost some weight and even more size she has slowly started to add some comments about herself like "I know I should maybe eat more vegetables. But it's so tough." I'm guessing if I keep at this, there comes a time, when she'll be asking tips for healthier life style FROM ME!
AND I've been at this weight-loss/getting healthier thing about 6½ months now. None of my closest friends or family have commented my appearance change in any way. I'm 6,5 kilos (14 lbs) down and over 10 cm (4 inches) off my waist. But I've had some very nice comments from people who haven't seen me for a while. Type "Oh, you're so beautiful, what's happened to you?" I guess the closest ones don't really care about how I look (in a good way, I mean; I'm me to them no matter how I look) and they see me too often to notice the slight changes from one day to another.
What I'm saying here (in this veeeeeeryyyyy long post) is DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP! The change you're hoping for will come through time, persistence and not giving up.
I'd recommend go read Steve or Leigh P. for how you should be eating. With their advice it's possible to build a good eating plan which will lead to healthy and permanent weight/size-loss.
You already have the most important thing: motivation.
I hope you have a good day and find support around you, when your family has a little time to adapt to the situation!
Juliette

 

[Mila2]

Hey Dororo,
1.) I think you should really do this for yourself, obviously all of us who say we do it for ourselves are influenced by others (I do want to show my mom that I can be slim, and give my boyfriend the beautiful girl he deserves), but mainly you have to do it because YOU will feel better that way (that may be because you can wear more comfy clothes or are better liked by boys etc..).
2.) Have you ever read about the Natural Weight Program? It doesn't completely work for me, but it is based in just eating when you are truly hungry, and to love yourself. Not do sports that you hate (in my case silly gyms) but stuff that you like, because once you have your weightloss you are more likely to skip the sports you dislike. To do little things that get you moving more, as in walk the stairs instead of the elevator, or get off the bus a stop earlier (and maybe on a stop later).

I am changing my lifestyle because I do want to be thinner, but also I want to be happier and healthier. I want to enjoy days out, and have fun and happiness every day!
You don't sound tremendously happy in this diary, maybe you should join a sports class where you can meet people, or something like that, that makes it all more fun.
I am also one of those people, where everyone in the family is thin and they all eat more than me and work out less... but I did find my hidden calories (soft drinks, sweets every now and then... and obviously I have a different metabolism).
I am happy these days, bit frustrated with some things, but happy and I am noticing that I am going down sizes. I have sworn not to weigh myself every day, that just depresses you! Do it 2ce a week, or even better 1nce a week! That way you will really see the loss, if you weigh yourself every day if you drank more or less, or *this is gross* pooped more or less will change what the scales tell you!!

I hope you find your balance, (by the way you look great in a bikini, I wish I looked like that), xxMilaxx

 

[godororo]

Thank you Juliette and Mila for the great advice.

I do sound pretty down in these posts! Argh! I know there's no way that one can get "quick results" but I am so focused on the numbers. Maybe it's just the whole reaction I got from the people on that local forum .. that made me so frustrated with myself .. like I need to get down to an acceptable weight before I can be "accepted by society". I actually do feel that way btw.

And no I won't give up .. it'll be good to lose the weight .. in a reasonable, safe manner (of course) and then show all these people up. Not in a petty way I hope but fine .. yes let's be petty. For all those little digs .. of course I want to show it off

I was down & out since Friday .. so have not worked out, eating pretty badly .. and you know what, maybe without all the obsessing or taking in more calories (i was possibly starving myself despite such bad food choices) .. I started to lose weight. It's nothing groundbreaking but I finally am going down .. into the 165s. I kept hitting 167 - 169 these past few weeks when I started the workouts (so frustrating!). So from 19 Mar .. that makes it about 6+ lbs. down.

Btw the bikini .. you can't quite see how I have the weight on my upper thighs, arms and mid-section .. that's where it always goes .. but thanks for the compliment! I still won't wear that bikini out in public .. at least not yet!

 

[godororo]

Oh yes this may be somewhat offensive or explicit to some .. so do not read further unless you want to ..

I did a striptease video for my bf (and placed it in his phone to find on Monday morning) - garters, stockings, bra + panties .. lots of body oil later on. He of course, like a man who is in love .. thought I was "smokin' hot". I didn't watch it but then when I did was pretty shocked by how different I looked - how I thought I looked vs. reality (in the video). My upper thighs weren't too big, my belly didn't seem to extend as far as I thought, my ass was not too wide etc. Of course I can see a few places that need to be tweaked but it was so not "Monster Alert!" like what those people made me think I was. It was actually .. quite sexy - which is unbelievable for me to admit!!

It was a great .. boost to see that - like hard evidence in front of me. Plus the bf's reaction helped of course

Okay .. back to "safe" topics.