Gina's (die2bthin) Diary

die2bthin

die2bthin

New member
(Note: I posted this as my introduction in the Newcomer's section, but I think posting it again will give people viewing my diary a chance to get to know me a bit.)

Hello, my name is Gina, and I am finally fed up.

I just turned 22 years old in September and I reside in a nice, cozy apartment in Fort Wayne, Indiana with my wonderful husband, Larry. We have two "kids" of the four-legged variety. We have a cat named Tinkerbell and a Dachshund puppy named Dixie.

I like karaoke, scrapbooking, shopping, spending time with my friends, cooking, the color pink, and country music. I'm in love with John Cena (don't tell my husband!) and enjoy watching Dr. Phil.

I'm 5'5" and I weigh 340 pounds.

I absolutely abhor who I am on the outside. I refuse to accept it any longer. I'm tired of going shopping with my girlfriends and having the salespeople look at me as if to say, "What the heck are you doing here?" I'm tired of having a low self-esteem. I'm tired of clothes not fitting right on me. I'm tired of being told I have a pretty face. I'm tired of not feeling good enough. And for the longest time, all I did about it was sit on my butt, stuff my face, and feel sorry for myself. But not anymore.

I am taking action. I realize that what I'm doing is going to be a long, uphill battle, but I really am prepared to fight now, as unmotivated as I can sometimes be. I used to tell myself that I'd rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable. I tried to trick myself into believing that I was indeed happy with who I am, but like Dr. Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge. For me, there is no possible way to be fat and happy. And I can't deny it anymore. At 340 pounds, I am extremely overweight and in danger of getting Type II Diabetes, Asthma, and being infertile (if I'm not already), to name a few.

I am no longer depressed about being extremely overweight. I'm angry with myself. I deserve so much more than this, and so does Larry. I know I have major potential and I need to start using it. How could I have done this to myself for so long? I'm not hurting anyone but me. I'm done hurting myself.

To my friends and loved ones who say that they love me the way I am, I am thankful for their acceptance, but I do not love me the way I am, and that's what really matters. I would rather have their motivation and encouragement than their acceptance.

I'll post about my progress as I continue on my journey of weightloss. Here goes everything, because enough is enough.
 
Starting Weight: 340

Current Weight: 338

Last night, Larry and I went to the YMCA. I worked all the muscle groups in my arms and did some cardio. Today, my arms are sore and feel like rubber. Reality hit when I realized how out of shape I am and how underworked my muscles are. However, I am proud to say that so far, I've lost two pounds. Go me! Unfortunately, I didn't have the chance to work out today because my mother came over and we had chores around the house to do, but I tried to stay on my feet and keep moving as much as I could.

I am proud to report that I had no soda yesterday. However, I am ashamed to say that today, I split a can of soda with Larry. I've gone cold turkey on soda before, and I know I can do it again. I guess having a motive to do it makes it harder. And forget about diet soda! That stuff's just gross.

I was so tempted to have Larry go to the gas station for me last night before he went to work and get me some goodies. I swear, cutting the junk food outta my life has to be as difficult as quitting smoking. Instead, I went for a piece of sugar-free gum. With Larry trying to quit smoking and me trying to lose weight, we're definitely going to be a cranky pair for a while.

I almost had a breakdown yesterday going grocery shopping (Mike, you're amazing!). I must've gone down the chips/cookies/candy/shit-that's-not-good-for-you aisle half a dozen times. In the end, I triumphed over it and left the store before it got the better of me.

Today's menu included the following:


Breakfast/Lunch/Snack:
-1 apple (that means one apple for all three meals, not an apple for each)


Dinner
-3 oz. Rosemary-Grilled London Broil (Taken from the Biggest Loser Cookbook)
-Spinach and Feta Brown Rice (Taken from the Biggest Loser Cookbook)
- 8 oz. glass of skim milk

Dessert/Snack:
-1 Slice 100% Whole Wheat Bread
-1 Tbsp. Peanut Butter
-1 Banana

-2 scoops Protein Powder with 6 oz. milk

-5 grapes

I noticed that my eating today was really sporadic as I'm starting to go to bed later and wake up later. :banghead: I'm going to try to revert back to going to bed early and getting up early.

I don't know how many calories I consumed today, but I am really hoping that tomorrow and from now on, I can be more organized in planning my meals so that I eat on a set schedule.
 
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To answer some of Steve's questions that he posted in my introduction in the Newcomer's Section...

Steve said:
Who are you?
Click to expand...

Put simply, I am a young, but fat and overall miserable person dying to be thin.

How does that compare to who you want to be?
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I want to be young and thin and vibrant and happy with who I am!

Are your habitual actions in favor of an outcome of who you are today or who you want to be in the future?
Click to expand...

Of course they aren't; that's why I have decided to take action!

What does making this change really mean to you? How would it feel? What would it change? Who would it affect?
Click to expand...

This change, to me, means a lot. My whole life depends on this change. I've fantasized so many times about how amazing it would feel. It would mean freedom from low self-esteem, embarassment, and an early death, to name a few. It would change the way I think and feel about myself. It would affect not only myself, but my husband, my family, and my friends.

What would it mean if you failed? If you didn't try? If you gave up?
Click to expand...

I would feel horrible if I failed. If I didn't try or if I gave up, I would continue to gain weight and feel even worse about myself than I do now.

Why do you want this? Think of powerful, emotionally-intense reasons why.
Click to expand...

I want to lose weight because...

-I don't want to be embarassed of who I am.
-I want to live longer.
-I want to have children.
-I don't want to be ashamed of my body.
-I want to be healthy.
-I don't want Diabetes.
-I don't want to be the woman that hasn't left her couch, let alone her house, for 5 years and has to be fork-lifted out.
-I want to be able to do what I told myself I couldn't.
-I want to love myself.
-I want to look and feel sexy.

What are your pain-links you associated with losing weight?
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-having to work hard
-having to wait for gradual results
-not being able to eat what I want, when I want

What are your pleasure-links you have associated with losing weight?
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-living longer
-feeling sexy
-wearing cute clothes
-being able to go for a walk without being in pain and out of breath
-wearing shorts again (I haven't worn shorts for 11 years)
-wearing a bathing suit and not having to worry about how I look in it
-doing more activities with my husband
-not worrying if I'm going to fit through something or if something is going to hold my weight
-being proud of myself for accomplishing my life-long dream
-being happier with myself and my life

What are your pain-links you have associated with staying fat?
Click to expand...

-dying an early death
-not being able to have children
-diseases
-low self-esteem
-hating myself
-feeling like a failure

What are your pleasure-links you have associated with staying fat?
Click to expand...

-enjoying foods that aren't good for me.


Looking back on all of this, the good outweighs the bad; put simply enough, it's not worth it.
 
WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME!!!! I was born in INDIANA! I'm from the Shelbyville/Fairland area. GO COLTS!! :)
You seem to know where you want to go so just take your time and you'll get there. The hardest thing for me to remember at times when it feels like i'm killing myself in the gym is that I didn't get this fat over night, so its not going to come off with one workout. I wish you luck!
 
Thanks, Ashley! Go Colts!

Yay! I woke up two hours earlier today!

Breakfast:
-3/4 cup cottage cheese
-grapes

Mom's coming over again today. Before I got off the phone with her, she asked me if I needed anything. I told her no, but in my head, I was thinking, "Yes, mother, how about a ride to the gym?" Ugh, it sucks not being able to drive!
 
Starting weight: 340

Current weight: 332

Today's menu:

Breakfast:
-3/4 cup cottage cheese
-grapes

Lunch:
-Special K Protein Bar
-3 orange slices

Snack:
- Protein Shake with 6 oz. glass of milk

Dinner:
- 1 100% whole wheat tortilla
- 2 oz. ground chicken
- Brown rice, feta cheese, spinach mix (leftovers; taken from Biggest Loser cookbook)
- 1 Tbsp. salsa
- Iceberg Lettuce

Dessert:
- 1 banana with Tbsp. peanut butter


How I lost 6 pounds in one day is beyond me. I'm more skeptical than I am happy about it. Today, we worked on arms, back, and abs in the gym and did 30 minutes of cardio. Good news: my hips don't hurt when I walk anymore! I don't know why I didn't start doing this sooner.
 
Okay, add one packet of Weight Control instant oatmeal to the snack section. Pretty good for only 90 calories.

I hate when major junk food cravings hit. For a brief period of time, it makes me want to say, "Screw it!" and just give up. But only for a brief second. But the feeling of wanting to give up goes away sooner than those cravings. Call me the queen of self-inflicted drama, but those cravings are enough to want to make me cry!

It's a small price to pay for such a major change in my life.
 
Just lettin you know that the initial weight loss you are experiencing will most likely be water weight, which will fluctuate daily. This is why they recommend you only weigh yourself once a week, not everyday. For instance my weigh in days are Mondays because with the Weight Loss Group I started at work we all weigh in on Mondays so thats pretty much my set day.

As for your cravings, its ok to give in every once in a while. Otherwise if you deprive yourself of these "bad" things when you actually do say "screw it" you are going to binge on these things. (sometimes, not all the time, just my opinion) Maybe you can try replacing your cravings. For me sweets are my killer. So for something sweet I usually go for Sugar Free Jello/Pudding, Chex Mix Chocolate and Caramel 100 cal packs, 100 cal English Muffin with a little drizzle of honey on it, ect....

But looks like you are on an amazing track. Good job gettin to the gym! Im glad you actually got to go, even though you prob wish you could of gone earlier when you wanted to ask your mom. :)

Thats my problem, I usually work 9:30am-10pm so at about 4 i'm like man I can't wait to go to the gym tonight! Then 10 rolls around finally and Im like ugh Im sooo tired, maybe Ill just go home. But I tell you what, everytime that I go instead of going straight home, I feel 1000 times better and so glad that I went. Im wanting to reach my goal weight and it aint going to happen with me sittin in front of this computer I can tell you that. :)
Hope you have a good night, and Ill keep checkin in on my Indy buddy :)
 
Ashley,

Hey hon'! I figured as much that it was water weight. It's really hard to stay away from the scale, though... that's why I don't own one at home. I weigh myself when we go to the gym. I know I shouldn't do it every time, but I get so tempted. But still, I can't imagine it: six pounds of water weight?! That's insane!

Very sleepy... write more tomorrow...
 
Starting Weight: 340
Current Weight: 332?

I didn't get a chance to write yesterday because I woke up late and was in a mad rush to get things done around the house before we went to a costume party. The costume party was fun; I dressed as a dominatrix and my husband dressed as my slave. Whips and chains, baby! :reddevil:

Unfortunately, I did something really stupid. I drank a little too much and started stuffing my face with caramel corn and potato chips, drunkenly justifying to myself that it was okay since it was my "cheat day." Ugh! No more of those! And no more getting drunk for a while!
 
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Starting Weight: 340

Current Weight: 332

Today's Menu:

- handful of grapes
- 2 packets of Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal
- 2 scoops protein powder with 6 oz. milk

Worked out today, doing 40 minutes of cardio and working my legs and hips. For dinner, I'll probably have a Healthy Choice frozen dinner. Blah.
 
Hey Gina,
Great start on the 8 lbs. Dont let the one drunken night get you down. You will have plenty of those nights. Just keep them to a minimum and you will be fine. Remember, this is a lifestyle. Something i like to say is: You cant undo in one day that you have work months to accomplish. Keep it up!!!

Any pics from the party??? J/K

Matt

And sorry to say this but GO PATS!!!!!!!!
 
Matt- Haha! No pics, sorry!

So the Healthy Choice dinner wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. It was Chardonnay Chicken. The sauce was a litte bland, but the rest of it was good! Since I hadn't eaten that much yesterday (less than 1000 calories! Yikes!) , I decided to also make a mixture of canned tuna, spinach, a little EVOO, and a sprinkle of feta cheese. Not bad!

Drank again last night, but only had the equivalent of one drink. Also had an itty-bitty tiny portion of spaghetti at our friends' house.
 
Don't get down on yourself for drinkin. WE'RE 22!! :) The thing you gotta remember is do it in moderation. I mean come on I live in WI, work at a bar & grill, yea Im around alcohol all day every day. But instead of going out 6 days a week I now only go out MAYBE 1 day a week(by going out i mean having maybe 5 drinks-beer/shots combined). But most days I will stay after work and just have a small tap of beer. You just need to look up the calories and make sure you fit them into your totals. And yes on Halloween I did get drunk..and I think its cuz I didnt have a drop for about a week in a half lol. I only had 2 small beers and 2 shots and I was done for. I just have to remember it was only one night. My downfall would be once I had drank I JUST HAD to go to Taco Bell....ugh...yea....now I just go NO!
 
hey i was just reading this diary, keep up the good work and your going to do great. when i work out i imagine how i want to look like and that motivates me!!
 
Today's Menu

Tiny portion of spaghetti with sauce

Apple

Can of tuna

Cottage Cheese

Spinach

2 chicken breasts

Brown rice with peas and onions


I'm already literally sick of eating the same foods. My tummy's hurting. :(
 
just dropped in to say good luck, it looks like your doing great so far well done :)
 
Trusylver- Thanks!

UGH! I've got this major burst of energy at 2 AM and don't know what to do with it! The gym's closed! :( I'm sitting here, dancing in my chair! The music's blasting... hope I don't get a noise complaint from the neighbors!
 
You guys dont have 24 hour gyms in your town? Mine has 3. Thank god too cuz I pretty much only go after 10pm'. And that was my excuse before they opened about a year and a half ago, "I have college and work all day when can i go to the gym?"
 
Hey Gina,
congrats on embarking on this adventure, it was hard for me and I only had 40 pounds to lose I really admire people who know they will have a long way to go and still manage to make this choice.
You seem to be doing well on the gymfront, good for you for going. I remember how hard it was to go in the beginning... heck it is still hard, I actually do not really go to the gym at the mo, I go swimming and walk, but in the last 11 months I have gone through and tried several different sports (running, which I liked but isn't feasible anymore, rollerblading, which was fun but never a good time to do it, elliptical, which was alright, but boring...) and eventually I just decided to stick to what I know I will be able to do for the "rest of my life", or at least for as long as possible: swimming and going for walks!

What I am a tad concerned at, when I look at your diary is your menu... it seems a bit limited and your calories seem quite low. You are (still but not for long anymore ;)) a big person and just living you will burn a lot of calories, plus you are going to the gym now, maybe you should see what your basic metabolic rate is and then work out how much you should eat, because it doesn't look to me like you are eating enough. If you are not eating enough you are prone to falling off the bandwagon! I have been on the boards for almost a year now and I can tell you, eating too little is not a good thing!
Work out how much you need, how much you use and then create a small deficit, that will in the long term insure that you are losing consistantly.

I hope you don't feel like I am lecturing you or I am mean spirited, I just know that feeling, i tend to do that myself actually, just try to eat a little as possible and hope for a quicker weight loss, but I also know that after a week or 2 or 4 of starving myself I will just gorge on everything I would not allow myself and the feel horrible and give up and gain a few pounds in the long run.
You want to change your lifestyle, not do a diet or anything. Once you have changed the way you perceive food, the weight will come off easily (more or less), but you really need to change habits, so that they do not come back with a vengeance.

Anyhow, I am glad you have support here and at home (it feels like at least), and you can always come and cry on our shoulder, we are here, we have each of us tried something slightly different and we all had different results, but the ones that are still around after a while are those who are losing weight and have found something that works for them. You just have to find what works for you!
Have a great week, Camy

P/s: you may want to check out some diaries of people who have come the way you will have come in some months, check out wishes (she has great pictures of herself during her transformation), omega (who has walked her weight off like no one and is such an inspiration) and mal (who has tried it all and finally found her new lifestyle).
 
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