Getting Functionally Fit

What a friggin day...

this morning, at about 5am (and after only about 2 hours of sleep), i received a phone call notifying me that a close friend was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. had to get up and drive 50 miles asap to the hospital, spend 45 minutes trying to find her actual location, and then find out that i had to wait another 45 minutes to even get inside the building. ended up finding out that it was just an allegation that her drunk friend made, misinterpreting something she said, but said drunk friend called the cops, who had her committed to a mental health ward, where she was being held against her will. so spent the entire morning and early afternoon fighting with the staff at the hospital because they were technically keeping her illegally, finally got them to release her, had to help her get all her crap together and get her back to her dorm room and get cleaned up because she is supposed to move out today.

just a really stressful day, didnt get to eat right, or exercise, and i am totally burnt out from a lack of sleep as well. had an idea for a post i wanted to do, but i dont have the energy, so maybe ill get to do it tomorrow. anyhow, i do have my third counselor meeting tomorrow morning, lets see how that goes, and im gonna keep myself on track after a nice nights rest.
 
Hey Coach, I haven't stopped by in awhile, but its good to see you still going well. No need to hurry. Slow and steady will win the race.
 
You are a very sweet friend. As far as not wanting people to like you for your future hot body, the reality is that people often do get attracted by looks but that changes as we get to know someone and like them for their personalities. Evolutionarily, choosing people based on looks may have made sense. Do you have a preferred type/body type for women you're attracted to? I know I'd prefer someone who cares about their health and that often shows in their body. Have you had any revelations with the counselor? I've been MIA and lost track.
 
Meeting with the counselor this morning went ok. sometimes, i feel like i am gaining some clarity, and then other times i get completely distracted because i feel like the things we are talking about are either totally unrelated or just plain silly. I guess i am just not quite sure of what her plan of attack is yet. Still though, i have identified some associated behaviors, and am working on some behavior modification, trying to change how i respond to certain stimuli.

enough of that, i have an idea. i am going to make a list of all the things i hate about being overweight. I am going to make this list as completely all-inclusive as i possibly can, as i figure that every entry will be another stab in the heart of fatboy, and a breath of life into the heart of leanboy (refuse to say skinnyboy, i hate the term skinny, lol). This list will probably be a long-tem ongoing project, so I will update it as new things come up, or as I am reminded of other things. Also, it is certainly not in any particular order, lol.

1. Making the excuse that i cannot easily touch my feet to tie shoelaces or put on socks because "I'm just not flexible."
2. Sweating ALL THE GOD DAMNED TIME...
3. Dealing with the annoyance of facial hair simply because it makes my face look less fat.
4. Comments at family functions about how I will eat any leftovers that anyone doesn't want.
5. Fearing all cameras.
6. Being unable to properly demonstrate at full speed some of the more complex movements in the shotput and discus to my athletes.
7. Running out of breath after a half flight of stairs.
8. Wearing a shirt to go swimming.
9. Having retained some of my past athletic abilities, only to realize what I really could have had if I had ever been able to control my weight.
10. Busting ass a couple of years ago to get to 330, being pretty happy with my athleticism at that point, and then squandering that by the time I was able to compete for my college.
11. Finding myself saying more about what I used to be able to do, instead of what I CAN do NOW.
12. Having to drop 50 bucks on a special scale in order to be able to weigh myself. goes hand in hand with not being able to weigh myself at other places like the gym, as well as the comments about how the best way to weigh me is to put me in the back of a pick-up truck and drive onto truck scales.
13. Going to the local outlet mall and having one place out of literally 100 that I can actually buy clothes from.
14. Having people de-value my 600 pound squat max pr because i weighed 400.
15. Bench press 405 and having it barely be over my weight at the time. (poor strength to weight ratios)
16. Not being able to go into the bathroom (small door as it is) without hitting both sides of the door frame.
17. Hearing my knees crack every time i squat down.

Lots more to come, Im sure of it, just getting too depressed to do it all at once, lol


EDIT: I just remembered something else i thought of. They say that you should reward yourself when you hit your goals and progress marks. well, ive tended to reward myself in the past with food, and since i need to stop doing that, I came up with the perfect reward for getting healthy: a full body massage! lol, maybe sounds corny to some, but to me, what a better way to reward yourself than by being happy emotionally about your body, and also feeling good physically too. And, its not all that expensive around here either, averaging around $45/hour. ive spent more than that on food for binges...
 
Last edited:
Coach, I think a lot of those things on your list would be on my list too. Sometimes it's smaller things that really make a huge difference. Fearing cameras is something I did for years, so there are hardly any "before" pics of me at all. I'm finally getting a little bit less camera shy.

I think you're off to a terrific start!
 
thanks guys

sometimes i feel like i shouldnt say this is a start, but more of a continuance of all the other attempts. I mean, I have always been trying, its just that I have also always been failing, lol. i dont know where this thought process comes from, or if the logic behind it is even sane at all, must be the effects of the appointment today... lol
 
Hi Coach, i just started reading your diary. I can relate to a lot of things you are feeling and going though. Im 5'5 and my highest weight was 350lbs. Im slowly getting my weight down *very slowly* but...going in the right direction anyways..lol.
I just wanted to say hello and let you know that Im an understanding ear if you ever need one. *there are lots of good people on here that are great to talk to.
Michelle :)
 
Coach, its with no surprise that you say you've had many "starts". In your own mind, how will this time be different? Can I make a recommendation? When things start going south, and they may as has been the case in the past, how about you keep coming here or to some other place for support and motivation so that any slip up is just that and doesnt turn into entirely falling off the wagon. You KNOW we're routing for ya big guy :)!
 
Well, it was not a great weekend. It was stressful, and a bit depressing, but mostly just not enabling. poor excuse i know, but being away at a track meet from 8am to 6pm does not make it easy to eat right. and then multiple family functions, blah...

but i do not feel it was neccesarily a step backwards. though i didnt eat healthy, i dont feel i specifically over-ate. I did try to manage portion size, and prevent myself from binging like i normally do when i dont eat for long periods of time. How successful i was, only god knows, but it sure didnt seem as bad as it usually does in the past. which brings me to another thing that completely baffles my mind...

why do i binge? I know I hate the results. I know it is bad for me. I dont really have cravings for any particular taste either. and what really just confuses the hell out of me is that I hate the way I feel after. and i even mean physically. I binge to the point where i am so full that it hurts physically. i am practically immobile for up to 6 hours, generally get bad heartburn and indigestion, and always feel like shit the day after too. headaches, a sort of heavy feeling in the stomach. physically, it feels like shit, just as much as it does mentally. but the pleasure in those short 15-20 minutes of the binge is so great, that it completely outweighs all the stuff i know im going to feel afterwards.

or at least it used to... :-D

i am thinking about a certain type of psycho-therapy that involves taking myself somewhere i am afraid of, and then forcing myself to face that fear in order to understand it, and then defeat it. but when i say somewhere, i dont mean somewhere physical, i mean somewhere psychological. i realize that short bouts with starvation (in effect, not real starvation at all anyways, more like fasting) might have some negative effects initially, but if it allowed me to overcome some of my psychological issues, then in the long run it may be the best thing for me. it would work somethign like this: 24 hours no food, in the last hour, contemplate, meditate, and really understand my true feelings, write them down. eat healthy for 3 days, then do 48 hours no food, contemplate, meditate, observe, understand, eat healthy for 5 days, then 72 hours no food, contemplate, meditate, etc. i wouldnt do more than 72 hours, because i dont want to do anythign too dangerous, and i would make sure i was physically ready before doing any fasting. i think that with a few rounds of this, i could get myself comfortable with the feeling of hunger, and be able to deal with my issues. but i would like some outside input. have i just gone insane, or does this sound like something reasonable to do to overcome my psychological issues?
 
Coach, the last thing I am is a psychologist. Hell, I'm close to 60, and haven't even figured myself out yet!

I grew up binging. When I was a kid, I was alone for long periods at a time. To assuage the lonliness, I would get hold of bags of cookies, and eat every single one -- about 4,000 calories at a pop. I still have to watch myself around foods that are really bad for me, but that I have a hard time resisting.

I have some days where I have to be away from home all day, and those are typically when I can get into trouble. To avoid that, I pack a cooler with whole grain bread, hummus, fruit, etc. In other words, I don't give myself an excuse to go haywire. It takes a bit of advance planning, but it's definitely worth it.

My wife as also been great in going along with my rule that we NEVER have cookies, chocolate, chips, ice cream, etc. in the house. That has made a huge difference.

Like I said, I'm not a psychologist, but sometimes I think getting through a psychological problem doesn't need to involve too much introspection. Sometimes it just involves making yourself DO something else, and when you DO it often enough, the emotions eventually follow.

For example, when I started, I really hated going to the gym. I didn't buy that stuff about how exercise would make you less depressed. At that time, however, I was somewhat depressed. But I forced myself to go to the gym, whether I wanted to or not. It took about 3 months of doing this, but now my emotions are finally coming into sync with my actions.

Ten months ago, I had just about accepted the fact that I would die of a heart attack before I ever got to see my kids married. I had given up ever seeing any grandchildren. Today, I dream of not just seeing them married with kids, but of seeing my grandchildren graduating and having kids of their own. It's not that I think I'll live forever; but I do think I have it in my power to stay healthy for a long long time.

So I went from a state of depression to one of optimism without any real introspection at all. I simply (well, not so simply, really) changed what I DID every day, and eventually I began to think differently, too.

Does this make any sense at all?
 
it does make sense tom, and i have tried to change those things many times, but i have failed as often as i have tried. it is a simple thing, but for some reason, i have not overcome it yet. but perhaps i should give it another shot before i attempt anything that could be considered drastic. i do, after all, have a few new variables that i am putting into play, most specifically the support of the people in this forum, and the counselor. besides, with my medical record, organized fasting could be considered starving myself with the intention to cause harm, and could land me back in a psych ward, lol...

EDIT: will be doing most of the standard updates (weight/measurement changes, additions to my "I hate being overweight" list, etc) on the first post of this thread, since it is easiest to find and get to.
 
Last edited:
someone recently pointed out that as i was talking about whether or not i would like to become a teacher (i am substituting now), that I had a tendency to say "i dont think I could do it for blank reason". that is what I like to call self-defeatist. recently, i was talking about it (after some more experience subbin') and without even thinking about it, i found myself saying "i know i could do it, and i could do it well, but i dont think i would be happy doing it". i think there is a major difference between those two ways that i commented about it, and am wondering if i have (or will if i havent yet) made that kind of change when it comes to weightloss and getting healthy. I am thinking that that kind of change is what will determine whether or not i succeed in the end. Something i need to keep thinking about for sure...
 
Hi Coach, I'd read a couple of your posts in TomO's journal and thought I'd take a look into your own journal.

I just want to make a comment about what you said about binge eating cause Lord knows I've been down that road myself. I know exactly the feeling you talk about of eating to and beyond the feeling of physical pain and then just feeling - spent. I have had "bouts" of eating to the literal point of not being able to move and then laying there going "what the hell am I doing to myself", resolving that was the last time only to repeat a day or two later. I have my own theories about what initially created the problem for myself, but the cause does'nt really matter in the long run - only the solution.

And I wish I could say "oh, here's the solution" but I can't. The one thing I can tell you is that, just from my experience, prolonged periods of NOT eating or eating far too little, ended up adding fuel to the fire. What did finally work for me was not one thing, but several things all combined, in no particular order:

1. Intense exercise 1st thing in the a.m. 5-6 days a week.
2. Eating several small meals throughout the day, usually heavy on the protein side
3. Rigidly controling portion sizes
4. Elimination of most refined carbs and very, very little artificial sugar
5. Lots (and lots) of self-examination
6. Being open and honest with those around me about the fact that I did have a problem with binge eating
7. Eating breakfast each and every day, hungry or not
8. Identifying and abstaining totally from "trigger foods"
9. And, this is the last on the list, but the hardest one to do because people looked at me like I was nuts (which was helped by doing number 6), training myself to totally walk away from food, no matter where I was, even if that meant going outside and getting in my car and driving somewhere, the moment my tummy started getting a "full" feeling.

All, some, or even none of the things that worked for me may work for you...but I guess the "take home" message is please don't get discouraged if one or two or even three things that you try don't seem to work, it may take a mix of several trial and error approaches before you hit on your own formula for success..but as long as you are trying I have no doubt you will learn what works. Good luck along your journey.
 
cym, thanks much for the support, it is nice to know that others have been where i have been, and have defeated it. the list you provided is quite good, and i can say that i have made brief successes using some of those methods, and currently am making a pretty darn good attempt so far using all of them. previously, i had never quite used 6 and 8, but am trying to put all those ideas to work now. and like i said, it seems to be working. thanks again for writing!


i get really excited each day when i wake up, and can go and eat something good, and then have the means to continue eating according to plan. its so motivating. but nothing shuts me down quicker than when i am ready to do things right, and i dont have the means to, because we dont have any good food in the house. if i skip the meal, i will be fighting the most difficult uphill battle to avoid binging (oddly enough ive been winning those fights recently too), but if i eat somethign that is bad, i feel like ive lost for the day, and am less likely to keep trying for the rest of that day. I do great at waking up each day and seeing the light in a fresh start, but i defeat so easily when one thing goes wrong, and then that day just goes ka-put. and if that happens several days in a row, then the week goes ka-put, and so on... but its not happening this time around, so maybe this time will be different!
 
belated welcome, and i like your intentions and thoughts and your self awareness.

you can do great things, just stay on track coach!
 
Hey Coach, I like the pic :).

Me personally, I think the hunger plan is a mistake, not because its that harmful to do a few mini fasts for a few weeks (I assume you weren't planning on doing this for the long-term), but more because I dont think your learning anything valuable with this tortuous exercise. First of all, its not nice to be hungry and there's no need for us to be mean and punitive to our bodies and ourselves. Also, you are learning the wrong thing as when you're never hungry, you're much less likely to binge.

If anything, an easier, more comfortable and more useful exercise would be to follow TomO's method of never allowing himself to be without healthy planned food. This is by no means easy, but it does seem easier than your plan to me. Try getting a small cooler and buying enough healthy groceries to get you through a few days. Get low calorie yogurts, lunch meats or roast some chicken and have chicken meat for lunch, or tuna w/ yogurt or just a little mayo, fruit, nuts, hummus if you like it, some good bread. I really need to refocus myself in this way too. I've been going hungry and being out and getting stuck eating junk too and must follow my own advice!

This feeling you mentioned about blowing it and then using that in your mind as a reason to just give up and keep going off the wagon are common among obese people from what I've read in forums like this. You have made yourself aware of this behavior and the internal dialogue behind it. Perhaps you can remind your inner voice that its all about the weekly or monthly calories, not the meal by meal or even daily total calories. So it really doesn't matter if you have one bingy episode as long as its just one time at one meal. You can factor that in for the week. I"m not recommending a binge, but we do all slip up sometimes and you need to be ready for that. But you must decide in advance that one binge wont ruin your diet plans and new lifestyle. If you mess up, you get back on that diet horse RIGHT AWAY. Not tomorrow, or monday or New Year's Day. If you can change your line of thinking on this, then maybe you can change the one binge turning into a week of binging.

Figuring out a way to never binge though, well if you find out then let us all know! We didnt exactly gain our weight eating like birds after all:rotflmao: .
 
Hey Coach, you can do this. You are in a very similiar situation to where I was at and in some ways where I still am. If you plan it out you can eat healthy. Just don't get taken by surprise.
 
well, finally got to go shopping tonight, and have purchased everything i will need to stay on track for the next two weeks. i really have to prove myself to my mother now, else they will not agree to continue spending the extra money on healthy foods. unfortunately, i am not making much money at this point in my life, which is ok in most respects, as i make enough to cover my obligations, and i really need to have some fairly stress free time while i recover. but i dont make enough to cover my debts and food costs right now, so i really need the support of my mother. maybe sounds kinda pathetic to some for a 23 year old person, but i have been to hell and back, and am climbing out of that hole. I am looking at being down to 435 by the end of next week, if i have made this progress i am sure i can convince my mother that my efforts are worth the extra pennies.
 
Coach, dont feel bad, many many people in their early 20's are in a similar situation..the jobs one gets at the beginning of your career typically dont pay that much. Any chance of converting Mom into a healthy eater as well? I suspect she may also be a bit overweight if she needs convincing that healthy food is worth it. Maybe if you do something very religiously and in her face, like going for a walk almost every single day for just 30 minutes would show her on a daily basis that you're very serious about your health.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top