AThanks everyone, but I really look like a man. I am always getting mistaken for a man. That's was happened on my last proper night out and caused me to become a bit of a hermit and it destroyed my life. I thought that maybe I would look better and more fanciable losing weight. But a bloke roared in my face "Trannnnnnny" on Saturday.
I am ugly. I have a huge head, a long face, a wide wrinkled forehead, low eyebrows, tiny eyes, oily nose, bad complexion, huge eyebags, no cheekbones which makes my brow bone look more prominant, chubby lower cheeks, a wide jaw, and horrible teeth. And that's just my face, don't get me started on the rest of my body.
I am a bit calmer about it now, I seem to be getting used to being accused of being a man a bit better now. But I think that one feature that all good looking people have is cheekbones. Leona Lewis has a long face and small eyes like me, but she is pretty because of her cheekbones.
I have felt a bit suicidal really. Although I wouldn't kill myself because of my kids. Its weird how one little word can devastate me so much. I have been through a lot in my life. So why is this hurting more than almost any of it? Why is being pretty the most important quality to have? Why do people judge others based on there looks like its the only important thing and everything else is just optional?
I honestly just feel like crawling under a rock somewhere and hiding. I don't want to go out because I am scared that if someone says "Is that a girl or a guy" one more time I will be broken so badly I will never be able to repair myself. It took so much for me to go out to a house music place, then my worst fear happened.
I am going to put my student loan money I am getting now, and the lot I am getting in January towards cheek implants, in February. I want to be at my goal weight before then. It will cost quite a lot, because I would not go abroad to get my face done. I want to be able to have consultations with different surgeons in person before I make up my mind. I want to be sure they are properly registered, and I want to be able to talk to past patients from England properly.
I think I will feel loads better with cheek implants. Even if I still get mistaken for a man if I feel prettier than I do now maybe it won't matter to me as much.