From alpha testing to the QUERCUS 200

Glad to hear you slept well and are feeling a little better. All I can say is: I get it. And high-quality, articulate rants like the one up there can be as motivating for me as successtories, so thanks for sharing.
 
Quercus said:
/:rant:/
I'm really tired of being fat. I'm frustrated lately in the realization that doing things correctly means that I am still going to be fat for a long time. I'm obese. Obese people don't run everyday. Obese people don't consistently eat an appropriate amount of calories. I realize that this obesity is the physical manifestation of a lifetime of bad decisions and for that reason it will take time to recover.

I'm ashamed of my body to a degree that I never have been before. The belly and the love handles really make me feel self conscious now. I'm enjoying wearing all of the layers because I can hide. I was so happy with the progress that I had made by last April when I did the 5K. I realized going back to look at a photo that I am embarrassed by how fat I looked. That made me realize that in another 40 pounds I will be embarrassed of how I look now which caused me to go ahead and be embarrassed now because why wait?

I want to hide from the world until I'm not fat anymore. I know things have and continue to improve, but I'm really unsatisfied with that at the moment. I am already doing everything that there is to do which is great, but now I have to find acceptance for the fact that I may be deeply dissatisfied with my physical self for a while. The alternative is to go backwards deeper into obesity, self-pity, and an early grave and that is not going to happen. That is little comfort for the limbo that my life is and will be for the foreseeable future. I know my attitude will improve as my physical body does the same. I also know that in some way it is progress to be completely repulsed by my fatness because it comes from a realization that not being fat is a fact for me. I will get to and keep a normal weight. That is good to know. It somehow goes beyond will or resolve. It is the only future for me. That just makes me anxious and dissatisfied with fat me today. I have to get past this as my brain yelling "STOP BEING FAT!" at itself isn't particularly productive. /end_:rant:
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Yeah, we've discussed this before about how common this feeling is when you're in the midst of losing weight. Hell, my very first post on here was much the same. To be honest though, I sit here at 177 pounds and look at myself in the mirror and still see plenty of room for improvement. And obviously improvement these days is much harder to come by. There's more to these kind of feelings than just your weight or your physical appearance.

But by the same token, while I don't blame you for not wanting to be fat (and you're doing a great job of fixing that) there are far worse things to be in this world, and every bit if not more common. For example, being a jerk which you are not.

Anyway, you were well above 300 not very long ago at all, so be proud of where you're heading and what you've accomplished and tell anyone (including the ones in your head saying so) who thinks otherwise to...

Do I look as good as I would like? Honestly, no. Do I look better? Oh hells yes and so do you. Be proud of that because a great number of folks' linear trend when it comes to the way they look is always downward. Having it pointed in the other direction is great, as is showing concern about your appearance and physical well-being. Just understand that being where you've been, you will always be in danger of being OVER-concerned with such things no matter how much progress you make. Recognize it for what it is (a cross you have to bear) and move on.

Anyway that's the end of my lecture, good work on staying on the ball! Or on the shoes or whatever it is you're on...
 
That was a very articulate rant :) And like others have said I get it I put on a clingy sweater dress today and I wanted to cry. That same dress 3 years ago made me feel amazing and I quite honestly loved the looks I got wearing it. Now...well it is just not the same. And the knowledge that /I/ did this to me just kills me. I'm tired of hating how I look too.

But hopefully for all of us wanting to change will lead us to being comfortable with out bodies. You have done such a fantastic job! Don't let the negative thoughts get you off track! Glad Mrs. Q. is home, hope you have a lovely weekend together!
 
Hi Quercus, I understand your feelings of frustration all too well. Your journey is a long one. But what I do now (even though I am not back to my slim self yet) is just pretend that my body looks amazing. I just imagine that I've already reached my goal. Not to the point where I start stuffing my face, but I try to picture myself as the fittest and hottest I could possibly be, and then think how I would maintain this if I was there already. And you find that you will hit the gym and eat the right foods. I wouldn't bother focusing on being overweight now, but picture that end goal. You're already taking the steps to get there. Well done man.
 
Glad you're feeling better after some sleep. Tired brains make us feel shit about ourselves--Truuuue story. Onwards and upwards, Q. xo
 
Vee it was way more about venting than covering new ground for sure. I don't want to seem dismissive about the 77 pounds that I'm not carrying around since coming here at the end of 2012.

Should I have done much more in the 2 years and change? Yep, but that's in the past.

Am I doing what I can now? Yep, and that's all I can do.

Does that please me? Occasionally.

I will say that I think I am way more justified in my dissatisfaction with my body than you are. I know you are working toward non-physical changes and that's important. We both have to find our path to being okay with ourselves and if that wasn't a struggle then we probably wouldn't have gotten into the mess we both were at the beginning of our weighloss. We will both find our way, partly because of our support of each other. I really appreciate that from you and everybody that takes the time to help out even why they struggle.

Thank you Jade! There was a time when I would have been more dismissive of people that weren't struggling with obesity like me. That was selfish and unfair. Everyone has their struggles. I know people at there ideal weight in great physical condition that struggle as much or more with food than I do. This came as a shock to me at first, but it has helped me to see that there wasn't something wrong with me. My struggle wasn't hopeless because it is the same struggle we all face. You and I both struggle to be at our ideal weight. There is a huge difference in the number of pounds between where we are and where we hope to be, but that doesn't make the struggle harder or easier for either of us. I realize I will always struggle with some elements of my life. Everything will never be okay, but that's okay, it isn't supposed to. We do what we can with what we have and the trying is what is important. I know you will reach your goal and so will I so long as we don't give up. I appreciate your support and you sharing your struggles with me.

Thanks Caroline! I would benefit by picturing the fit me that I am working towards. I've never been much smaller so I really don't know what he looks like. I did take the time to ask a couple buddys their height and weight and by dividing weight by height I could use my height to calculate what weight I would need to be to look similar to them. I was happy that I was as close as I was and they reinforced my 199 goal as being reasonable. 220 is about 50 pounds away and that's what I'd need to lose to be roughly the same build as a coworker that I consider to be a healthy build. Not slim or fat. Just normal and that' just what I want to be.

Hana that's so true! I feel great sympathy for your nutty schedule. Onwards and upwards to you too!

Okay 272.0 this morning which is a tad up from last Saturday, but I had a bad couple of days this week. I'm wearing a large (under) shirt and size 34x34 jeans with a size 40 belt on hole 4 of 5 so I'm feeling just fine at the moment.

My fat has been reduced to a spare tire of gut and love handles which is better than the XXXLT barrel o' blubber that my torso started out as. My lower legs are slimmer to the point that knee sock now go over my knee caps that used to be well under them. I suppose the muscles will reduce in size as there is less of me to haul around. I bet I could wear rubber boot without cutting a notch in the back to get them on now. "Too fat for rubber boots" is a hideous self-insult. I'm glad I'm not that guy...

Day 51
1 mile
11:30
This was yesterday at the gym.

My hip really hurts and I may hit another easy mile tonight. I haven't done the bodyweight or yoga this week, but I have the desire if not the ability at the moment. I'll get there. I really have to focus on getting the hip/back/knee/leg out of this hole of pain, weakness, and inflexibility. I'm considering a chiropractor that a coworker swears by for his sciatic pain. I would rather try massage, but I would have to be referred and prescribed it for insurance to cover it whereas the chiro is just a copay.

Before anyone asks if I've considered a day off for the sake of he pain the answer is that yes I have. The short of it is that I ran an 11.5 minute mile without breaking a sweat and it just loosened up the hip and leg. i don't think skipping that would help anything and I'd like to fix this while I'm running daily. The pain is caused by injury, weakness, and inflexibility. Running doesn't cause the pain as I had way more of it when I didn't run. Fixing this without stopping the run streak will be a new chapter. I don't want the pain to rule my life anymore. I think I can work through this without it stopping me from doing what I want.
 
I must thank you Q, for sharing how you feel with us. I don't think I will ever take the relationships & friendships formed through this forum for granted. I think this post of yours is one of the best I have read in here. I am also glad that you have found it within yourself to express yourself more, both to us & your wife. Airing your true feelings really does help with this process. It's hard not to feel shame at how we once were, but we should all be proud of how far we have come. It's a relief sometimes to know that we are not alone in our struggles, but still knowing they are our struggles & we have to work our own way through them.
Thank you Q, for your friendship & support.
 
Thank you Cate! So very kind. You are always a great help and inspiration to me.

Day 52
1 mile
12:15

I then did a lot of stretching and foam rolling along with some machine weights for my hips and glutes. I then ran another lap (1/8th mile) rather quickly to see how the hip felt. Taking it easy and all of the post run stuff helped a lot. This is the best my hip has felt in days.

I spent way too much money on jacket, sweater, and sweatshirt tonight. Now that I can always wear something until it wears out I feel inclined to buy high quality things. I got them at a discount store, but they are still more costly than my usual Target/Old Navy clothes. I bought a packable down Calvin Klein jacket and it is the warmest most comfortable jacket I have ever owned. It is an XL so it fits now, but I can always wear an XL jacket. I can wear a jacket over it if needed and layers under as well. I also bought a Gerry pullover 1/4 zip sweater as well as a Mondetta zip hoodie both in size large. They are both tight, but will fit soon and the hoodie can be worn road running now. I think a size large outer layer is reasonable even at 199.
 
Quercus said:
It's ridiculous that dissatisfaction with our rate of success immediately prompts this destructive reaction. I mean it is completely counter-intuitive to cause yourself to stop having success because you're upset that you aren't having enough of it. That's what I have been feeling.
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This is SO very true!! What weird creatures we are!! Oh man, I'm not losing weight! I'll teach you body to disobey! You will now GAIN weight, haha! Take that!
 
Great post, again. Thanks for giving me food for thought once again. Also: good luck with the leg/hip/back still.
 
Thank you Mystic, LaMa, and Caroline!

I'm about to head off to see my parents so no run until tonight.

I'm mulling over a daily checklist of things I should be doing. More on that later.
 
Q, in relation to the hip pain, I would try a physical therapist before a chiro. That's just my experience though. At least some of what your feeling is mostly likely related to imbalanced, inflexible muscles and a PT might help you more permanently than a chiro over the long term. As someone who has dealt with a lot of sciatic pain, I didn't feel consistent relief until I went to a physical therapist.
 
Hey Q, Was just reading about your hip pain and can say that sucks. I know exactly how you feel, I've been there. If it is the same pain I had, I have found that a good stretching and nice easy running will work it out, just will take time. Biggest thing is to make sure you keep stretching before and after you run.

If it continues and/or gets worse, yes definitely go get it looked at. Maybe all you will need is just a slight adjustment. Just keeping positive.

Good luck Dude
 
Thanks for the advice Cory. I don't have much faith in chiro and I have never been. My coworker finds it useful to get past episodes of pain and that's really all I am looking for. I think I have the plan to make it better on my own if I can get past this episode. I have been to a physical therapist before. I do some of those exercises regularly still. I would likely benefit from going again as I am in a different place physically, but it would require a doctor's visit and PT visits during work hours. Using the machines to work some of the weak side muscles seemed to help. I will have to consider this more.

So yesterday was a super slow run.

Day 53
1 mile
15:28

My hip felt pretty rotten. This was the 3rd day in a row of running the minimum mile. I think that is what I need to be doing for a little while, but I don't like it. I feel like I am not making progress. I think the bodyweight exercise and yoga are what I need, but I haven't made them a priority and that has to end.

I loaded and unloaded a pickup truck full of firewood yesterday and so far the back doesn't seem to be any worse for wear. I ate 2,300 yesterday but the scale is up to 273. This seems to be a recurring theme. A big fast drop, rebound, stall.

It is what it is. I did eat too much sodium and not drink enough water yesterday so that isn't helping. I'm wearing my size 34s today and they are comfortable, so that is a nice non-scale achievement.
 
Thanks GGH! I have been stretching and foam rolling every day. I have been taking it easy on the runs for a few days now. It's just going to take some time to get it worked out.
 
Run Streak day 54
1.5 miles
15:06

I ran pretty hard and went beyond the 1 mile because i couldn't stand it anymore. the hip felt better tonight and still feels decent afterwards.

2,300 calories today with some dark chocolate.:reddevil:
 
Bodyweight Exercises

Dynamic Warmup

Deep Squats 3x5

Flat Straight Leg Raises 3x5

Bent Knee Bench Dips 3x5

5 Band Assisted Pullups 3x5

Incline Pike Pushups 3x5
Lowered my hand to about half of the height of last time making these very difficult.

Inverted Rows Leg Bent 3x5
I skipped ahead on the progression from vertical pulls to this, but they felt strong. It won't take me long to get to straight leg inverted rows.

Plank 49 seconds
30 the 1st time 40 the 2nd and was just shy of 50, but I had worked a lot harder first this time.

The dynamic warmup makes my hip feel pretty good. It only takes a minute. I should start doing that all the time.



That's the source if these exercises sound like Greek to you.

I'm pretty happy to get this done today. I am going to be sore.
 
Look at you and all your exercise! That's what I need to get back into. Eating for me is generally much easier for me to do than exercising!!
 
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