Floater's diary

Snack: peas and miso broth. Dinner: cherries and store-bought chicken curry. I cleaned up and the apartment looks and smells fantastic now.
 
These last past days I´ve been watching a lot of videos/podcasts by Dr. Gabor Maté, who´s written several books on trauma and how it relates to physical health and addiction (not just to substances, but also to money, power, exercise, whatever) and all sorts of health issues. It kinda brought me back to when I started my first trauma psychotherapy in 2016. Health really is in our heads and our nervous systems in general, and it has nothing to do with it being imaginary or manifest-able.

I´m so tired. I know that everything´s OK and I had a very good day by my standards. Heikki is now tame enough that I can carefully walk around while he sits on my shoulder. I ate well. But it´s really starting to hit home that with my psychiatric and neuropsychiatric issues there just isn´t a future for me where I´d be "sane" by anyone´s standards, ever. I can improve but normalcy will always elude me. And it makes me feel deeply unlovable.

Best to not overthink it and just wait for the laundry machine to be done and hang the laundry to dry and hit the shower and this is what my life´s going to be until the day I croak. :censored:
 
:grouphug: Now is not forever and forever is a load of crap. I'm sure you're right you'll never be average and I'm sure life will always be tougher for you than for some theoretical average person but compared to all the crap you've been through it needn't feel tough all the time. And you definitely don't have to be average in order to be lovable. Just because the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally didn't doesn't mean better people won't.
 
Llama said:
And you definitely don't have to be average in order to be lovable. Just because the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally didn't doesn't mean better people won't.
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True; just gotta find that self-love first... Sigh.
 
Loving yourself first helps because it makes it easier someone else could love you too* and they aren't just messing with you but it isn't an absolute necessity.

*Also life is probably just more fun when you get along with yourself.
 
I can't see why someone wouldn't find you loveable. You seem like such a good person. I love the picture of you walking around your place with Heikki on your shoulder. That is so sweet :beating: I agree that it is much more important to learn to love ourselves but I find this very difficult too. I used to post regularly in the motivational sayings thread & think I need to again. I did this morning before I read your diary. I really need to work on being kinder to myself & I have to stop my negative self-talk.
https://www.fitness.com/en/forum/th...d-or-affirmations.328990/page-75#post-9684696
 
Cate said:
I can't see why someone wouldn't find you loveable. You seem like such a good person.
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I guess I constantly fear that I'm just... Projecting goodness and being rotten inside. Might also be because I have such conflicting internal views about what constitutes as "goodness", but this self-doubt is like a monkey on my shoulder going hu-hu-HA-HA-HA-HA-SKRIÄÄ SKRIÄÄ in my ear 😖🤮
Cate said:
I love the picture of you walking around your place with Heikki on your shoulder. That is so sweet :beating:
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He's my darling boy, I'm so proud of him 🐭✨

The quote was nice!

Sigh. Can't sleep. I guess I have to eat something... My stomach's growling but I couldn't be bothered. If I haven't fallen asleep in 30mins I'll have either sandwiches or instant ramen.
 
Floater said:
I guess I constantly fear that I'm just... Projecting goodness and being rotten inside. Might also be because I have such conflicting internal views about what constitutes as "goodness", but this self-doubt is like a monkey on my shoulder going hu-hu-HA-HA-HA-HA-SKRIÄÄ SKRIÄÄ in my ear
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I know that first feeling and I try to tell myself that ultimately what we do is who we are. The nicest thoughts on the inside don't matter when the actions don't match up - and vice versa. Also: I'm sure Heikki isn't going to share shoulders with such a rude monkey!
 
Slept very badly. Breakfast was a ham and cheese sandwich and an egg, and I did a nice skincare routine. I have a little Halloween party tonight at the autism assistance living unit so I think I´ll try to do something nice with my hair.
 
Enjoy the Halloween party! I need to go drop off my old bathrobe at a friend's place because she's going to a Discworld-themed party as the Librarian :rotflmao:
 
Everyone's concept of goodness varies considerably, but in my heart, I know that I am a good person & I think you are too.
I hope you have fun at the party :)
 
Cate said:
Everyone's concept of goodness varies considerably, but in my heart, I know that I am a good person & I think you are too.
I hope you have fun at the party :)
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Thanks Cate! The party was nice. My ex popped over afterwards and I had a Taco Bell burrito bowl for dinner and a roast beef baguette before bed. Just waking up now and it's afternoon, but that's fine. I slept so badly the night before that I needed the sleep :)
 
Breakfast today was an egg, ham and cheese sandwich and store-bought chicken curry. Snack was some mango and lunch is fried potatoes, onion, corn, and two hard-boiled eggs.
 
Dinner: two ham and cheese sandwiches and peas with furikake seasoning. Ex asked me to vape with him, there´s a storm outside, it was spooky and nice and I´m feeling calm and hopeful.
 
I walked to the supermarket to get eggs & ribs with my last euros and miscalculated by 20 cents but the cashier was kind enough to grab the missing 20 cents from a stash of miscalculated change ;___; So lovely <3

I had ribs for breakfast and lunch is going to be congee topped with fried onions, chickpeas, ham, and a fried egg :)
 
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