Fiera Fights Back

Not sure what is wrong w me today.
I didn't eat til 1PM. Sweet pot and mushroom tacos w red sauce; cauliflower flat.
8A and 2P meds so got 2nd dose in. Tinnitus picked up, noticed 15 mins after.
Need to drop letters at post office and get in my walk. But like yesterday struggling to find motivation to walk. It's part doglessness and part overcast. Part poor sleep. Maybe mood too, kinda feeling an edge I need to take off. Which walking would probably help.

ETA: Today (increasingly) and yesterday evening I felt like (a) smoking and (b) drinking. Today I spent largely on the computer (again) as I addressed various issues and emails related to the dogs coming in. Not the least of which, Pixy insisted I choose my foster, which I didn't want to do, then I spent over an hour looking at profiles, pictures, etc. I don't want to get emotionally involved with any of the, right now and I would much rather she play matchmaker with someone else.

I think I will run to post office (yikes, it is almost 6, I felt like it was 3). Sigh. Cold and wet, and my roof is caving in. Today I found brick from my chimney on the ground and my new sidewalk cracked. Really. This house will be the death of e.

ETA: Bad traffic, unexpected. R/T 30 minutes. I used some of the drive to meditate on breath as a distraction for cravings,
 
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Takeaway

So a key takeaway from last nights' meditation workshop was "lean in". Whatever you are feeling aversion to, or want to run from, focus on the FEELING and not the person or object causing it. Locate the feeling in your body. Then.
practice sitting with it, resting your attention lightly on the tip of the exhale. Keep your posture upright, unfolded, and your chest open. Etc.

When I said "this house will be the death of me", for the first time in a long time, it felt real. Like there is only one way out of this mess. It was just a fleeting thought and I know that I do have options and I pray that I can stay out of the rabbit hole. This is an exact situation they were talking about last night. At the time I was thinking about Difficult Woman and this specific rescue group. At one point in my life I was so tenacious. Now, I am mostly tired and struggling to keep my head pointed in the right direction.

I came home to get my phone (accidentally left behind) but I MUST get out of the house for a bit. Maybe the outdoor mall, some place I can wander a bit and give,y mind a rest.

ETA: Consider whether incr W -> incr inability to cope?
 
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Drove to outdoor mall but never parked...strangeness in lighting, police activity nearby, eerie gloomy wet empty vibe...bailed and ended and wandering, driving, started thinking about and noticing headlights more in darker areas. Was by dealer and swung into talk to service but they were closed...at 6PM...business must be slow. No wonder, with the prices they charge. Almost got McD's and didn't. Stopped in a dark parking lot to play with and inspect the headlight lenses more. Scratches? Thought about going for a hot dog and didn't. Kept telling myself there is perfectly good food at home, Wanted a cigarette. Made it home and had a ham sandwich and carrot sticks, Restless. Impulse driven. I really hope ot is going to be sunny tomorrow. I cannot get myself walking without a dog :(

It is a victory simply to be home and having managed not to act out.

Sheesh though. I feel like a nut job today.
 
Wednesday
186.1

Am trying a different approach this morning. Declaring a Mental Health Day, like calling in sick. Having my matcha and writing from bed. Ended up here around 4AM...bedroom a bit cooler...I had cranked heat up to help dry out the attic/den ceiling but it was too warm to sleep well. 2nd night in a row of broken anxious sleep.

Happily there is not much left in the house that is tempting act out on. I avoided the chocolate chunk cookies and triscuits which are there for the next transport, I ate a large cookie from the basement freezer (leftover thank you from an adopter). But on the whole for the day I was likely around 1200 cals.

By last night I was marginally experiencing house terrors again. This is SO not productive. There are too many simultaneous issues. I think I will avoid the 2nd dose of the W for now. I don't think it was the cause of the anxiety (after all I had only a single dose on Monday AM) but it probably contributed, and maybe the overall 2nd dose recently may be elevating the baseline. It may not be entirely a coincidence that a sjogren's cluster recently emerged, add excessive hair loss in the shower. But I also really, really need to get out of the house, off the computer, get some exercise and get out in the real world. And proper sleep.

Just consulted the forecast. Drizzly, foggy, in the 30's this morning. Sun emerging after lunch with a tiny warm up.

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today
Slower rising /linger in cozy bed✅
Work on schedule/planning from a cafe ✅
Breathe. Seriously. Meditate. It is not a sprint, it is a marathon.✅
Continue fasting window, better food choices, decaf coffee
Take a walk. ANY walk.✅
F/U w BS re Sunny, hw tests, recall tools✅
 
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Thursday

Obs: Perhaps a good to do list should only have a few items per day. Ha!

It was a decent strategy to tame my rising fears and panic. I ended up going to a botanical garden for lunch in their cafe. Decided the top "urgent" priority was the headlights. Took a walk on the grounds, a stiff wind drove me to an indoor exhibit for 45 mins, then out to the car. On the way home I went to the dealer. Went to the service advisor and said here is why I am stuck. How do I KNOW it is the bulbs (versus dust inside the lens, or a projector issue, or even the alternator)? The service advisor says it is very likely the bulbs after 10 years. The parts director said the lights turn purplish when they go bad, then looked at my photos and said that they seemed a bit purple to him and gave me a quote on the bulbs. The service manager asked me to bring my car inside and after driving up against a wall and looking at them said he doesn't think there is anything wrong with the bulbs or the lenses. But bring it back Monday morning before it gets daylight out so the technician can see it.

It was disappointing to leave, having taken a step forward and not gotten things resolved. I questioned my eyes again and called for an opthamologist appt, though Proggy thinks it is my bulbs too. But I did get some feedback. That is, the service manager stated thar the lenses are plenty clear and don't need the buffing treatment, and he doesn't feel that there is any misting or clouding - they look good to him. Second, I determined that my next step is to make sure the outer lenses are squeaky clean. Third - I drove it out it to a dark spot again and ran it through the various settings and videoed it, so I have something to compare to online images. Fourth, a major one, I ruled out the alternator by revving the engine and turning on all the electronics. Fifth, I paid attention to the way the lights bounced off cars and street lights etc on the way home, and decided that I feel like the right side is worse than the left. With all these trials and diagnostics, I feel that is likely new bulbs, and first need to rule out lens gunk or a mechanical problem with the adaptive headlights. I think a little more troubleshooting will get us an answer. And the REASON that stupid headlight bulbs just can't be swapped out and check is that it is $340 for the bulbs and $300 for the labor - the bumper and trim have to be removed - it is stupidly complicated. If I had the tools I might even be tempted to try doing it myself.

This is the problem with nice things. It is too expensive to maintain them once you retire. :/ And dogsitting here and there for $30 a day is not really going to help much. Speaking off...I have a potential client coming Friday...

Anyway, the point of this post was going to be to recognize the positives

1. Recognized I needed a mental health moment
2. Got out of the house to somewhere nice to create space and meditate
3. Asked for help after gaining clarity "Here is what I am stuck on"
4. Did not have a drink
5. Tired but went back out to do more troubleshooting/narrow options
6. Have a plan for next steps

I didn't drink but then I ended up getting munchkins at DD. I ordered 6, which was more than I needed. The guy gave me an entire dozen. And you know I ended up eating them all while I was troubleshooting my headlights. I had not had dinner, but given that I made the questionable choice of a burger for lunch, it was a particularly bad choice, No way I burned that off with a 20 minute meander. Stalling getting on scale today.
 
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Thursday!

Ok back to business! Sun is out!

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today
Auto parts store - len cleaner (asked in forum); clean lenses
Volunteer reminder email ✅
Shopping / task list for next transport
Look around - further house prep/declutter prior to Iz visit tomorrow
Walk outside - 2 miles at least (walk to new store perhaps?)
 
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Today was not great. Again.

Had a difficult time organizing thoughts. My request for a headlight cleaning product to use on the forum generated requests to see photos and videos of the problem. Which I had but I needed to put them on a hosting site, which tied up my phone for a couple of hours. Being paralyzed for a while made me fidgety,

I ended up all over the place, juggling too many things at once. Went out to the garage around 11, taking a couple of chew dog boxes for recycling. Cleaned a bit more recycling out of garage, then went to auto parts store for another look at products for 20 minutes and leaving empty handed. When I return home, I found I had left the back door wide open. 😢

Making mistakes is always a sign that I am operating emotionally.

Dad was really mumbling this morning but supposedly napping. I called him back later in the day and he sounded a bit better but referred to his glucose meter as his cuckoo clock. Which is the same sort of thing we were getting leading up to his last collapse...C02 buildup from not getting enough time on his biplap. Wonderful. And Peaches doesn't even try any more, I don't blame her, he won't comply.

Called opthamologist, after screening they set up appt Tues. Got out an email to the vols with a plea for fosters and a flyer to the fundraiser. RSVP tally to Pixy.
Set up masonry appt for 1:15 tomorrw after Iz comes by to talk about dogsitting Cody. Concrete guy replied, basically told me that cracks happen but let him know if gets worse. Called realtor back and told him I'm out for the time being since I don't have a place to land. Talked with CC last night, it's all blending together.

The Irma BB was bothering me waiting to be returned so my fidgety self drove over to drop it off where I received it. I also had donations in the trunk but nowhere nearby to drop them. I ended up shopping for a few new rugs for the kitchen to freshen it up before Iz comes tomorrow. The place is falling down but I can still try to make it warm and cozy.

In for the night. Watching noir movies and having a couple of drinks to unwind, Ordered some groceries and supplies for delivery.

It seems productive on paper, and I guess it was. But it's not the kind of day I can celebrate. All a scramble. Neck is super tight.
 
Friday

Dim and rainy.

Pickup trash along fence ✅
Car wash / headlights
Shower ✅
CB ✅
Iz sit prospect convo ✅
Masonry - chimney ✅

Well, the Universe has my back today.

Iz actually double booked and we reset the trial date for after foster leaves. This make it less stressful for me as I won't be juggling 2 dogs.

Less than 5 minutes after the interview with Iz, water started dripping thru the den ceiling. Whoops I forgot about that. Good timing! I was able to run upstairs to the attic and see where it is coming in and get something under it. There is a hole which seems to be getting bigger, which is why the pans were not longer catching the water. Alas, I think reroofing will need to take place this summer.

Was starting to head downstairs when dooebell rang. Masonry guy confirmed I need work done on chimney. He will get me a quote for that plus the quote from last year and is taking a look around the property. He also advised on what to do about windows and cracking is not from brick, it is from expansions/contraction of wood getting wet and exposed to heat/cold. Also brick in front is only the slightest bit out of plumb and not a sign of any larger structural issue.

I feel tense but a bit better.

CB says that ambiguity is not good for people with anxiety. The headlight/night driving issue for example, or the various problems with the house. I think she is in favor of me selling the house, getting comfortable with tradeoffs (such as neighborhood or 2-story etc).

Slept like crud last night but think that has more to do w alcohol/cookies than anything else.

Today I ate nothing until 2 (busy); had egg salad sand and carrot sticks w a tiny bit of hummus.

Picking up the bits of rubbish here and there along the fence exterior made a subtle difference in how nice the place looks. I was happier to have a guest over.

Breathe Fiera. By this time next week you will have resolution about the SUV repair. You will have a cost on the masonry work. And you will havethings better prioritized with bite sized actionable pieces. It is OK to recognize overwhelm, triggers, PTSD, and practice what you know will help. Small steps forward.

All the same, I ended up taking a xanax this afternoon after dealing w the attic again, and Proggy, and a transport issue (crate logistics). I am determined to have an evening on my own terms, even if I have to check the bucket every couple of hours.

This is *my time*. This is *my life*. Not the house, not the chimney, not the tax guy, not the stock market, not Proggy, it is not any of theirs, I already told Proggy I am sorry but I just cannot do company tonight. He has plans for tomorrow night for a friend's BDay so he said next week. I will try to jam him in. Maybe involve him with transport/foster Thurs.

I wish there was a meditation group meeting to night.
 
Saturday

Slept IN the bed, yay, Did not experience positional vertigo; will continue to monitor.

Sleeping in the bed has this way of creating the nicest wakeup experience, when not in a hurry. It is such a comfy bed, luxury firm with four nice thick down pillows and down duvet. The colors, while not contemporary, are great for cozing..cherry red bedding, deep burgundy velvet full length curtains, milk chocolate walls, cream white trim and closet doors, dark furniture, It is small and a nice place to turn down the volume. Writing from the bed now, with my matcha pottery bowl perched next to me on the nightstand.

I don't get much time in here. After L moved out, I started sleeping on the couch because I didn't feel safe in the house. I sleep hard and would never know that an intruder was in the house until they were literally on top of me in the bed. It was also cozier for the the dog(s) as the bedroom floor is drafty. And as I aged, I crashed at night on the couch to the tv (on for company) and it was too much trouble to move.

I realize that my waking thoughts today were around the attic/roof/potential larger remodel/panic and I am practicing tucking those thoughts away til an appropriate time I choose to focus on that topic. Compartmentalizing. If not, those fears expand to take every inch of available space, and then consume most of the unavailable space as well. I have a transport and my SUV to deal with.

No. So staying present I look over and see the extension cord which powers my bedside frog lamp has three of those little warning labels attached, And I think to myself...do other people remove those? What purpose are they serving? Have I ever read them? It looks so aesthetically stupid, I imagine other people just cut them off. Same with my radiant heater. Seems like a legit question. Yet I always thought they had electric info or other important warnings on them. Maybe I will read them and see lol.

Its funny how some people see ALL the details, and I live inside my head and just half numbly move through time and space, I cannot see more than the vaguest blurred images and colors in my mind's eye and I suppose that has something to do with it. To really LOOK at all the details requires such effort and constant refresh and it is unnatural and exhausting. I wonder how much being a bookworm as a child had something to do with it, or if I gravitated to books because it was just the right speed/method for my brain to absorb information?

I just realized that cozing in bed with the tablet feels a bit like that childhood setting. I would start reading at night about 9PM...and turn the light out around 2-3AM (this was in the summer). When I was younger, I was the kid reading under the covers in bed with a flashlight, hiding from the parents who wanted me to be sleeping. It's a pleasant memory.

I see myself as a kid, from the lens of 50 years, a bit differently than I did earlier. I see how there was not a lot of emotion or questioning or self judgement or insecurity until it exploded on the scene in middle school. I see that I never learned to confide or share my thoughts and emotions. To this day I admire people, relative strangers to me, who can open up and seem to have such solid self-awareness that their authenticity shows up in a seemingly effortless manner. I still have SO much work to do around thinking, speaking, and living authentically. It's partly fear, partly habit at this stage of life. Maybe even part of my DNA.

Sleepy. Ha.
 
Smiling. I got out of bed and started a chain of events around that extension cord. First, realized I could move the tall lamp cord to outlet behind dresser to hide it. Can't recall why it was moved to that outlet to begin with, possibly for a fan. Second, whoa there was a lot of dust behind the dresser. Dustbuster. Third, read and clipped the non-essential labels off the extension cord. Slid the remaining label up the cord so no longer visible. Fourth, whoa, there is a lot of dust on my velvet curtains. More dustbuster, stepladder. 25 mins later, bedroom looks crisper and I am happy with my little efforts.

Went to brew decaf and right out my kitchen window some jerk tossed a DD type cup with straw right next to my fence...I just cleaned yesterday. I grabbed my rubber gloves and shoes and just went out there and took care of it. Sigh. I see so much more of that kind of behavior these days...people dumping trash instead of disposing of it in a can. On top of all the problems we face as a society it is disheartening that people are so inconsiderate on something this fundamental. Also, we used to have a retired veteran who cleaned up trash on his walks, but I think his age and health are not permitting him to do that regularly any more. Maybe I'll try to rally a few people for a neighborhood cleanup. When I have spare time. Ha.

Messaged Pixy this morning requesting a talk about road construction. I think we will try to expedite activity at the receiving location, and tell the fosters to come a bit later to avoid traffic.

I forgot to mention that I got a craving for steak yesterday and went out to a steakhouse for dinner. I also ended up finishing the hummus with tortilla chips and having some more chocolate chunk cookies. Gah. I might try the TMax tonight around 6. It might conk me out.
 
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Sunday

6;30 last night drove to a dark industrial area to do more headlight testing. After that, back to the car wash guy "Mario" who offered to look if I came back in the evening darkness before closing. He thinks they look OK, not worth the money for a small increment in brightness. Proggy reiterated on phone he thinks they are dim, it is not just me. I can tell a difference if I make a right circle or a left circle, left I have leading headlights, right not so much. It might be something with one of the adaptive headlight features. I just need for this to be resolved. There are bigger fish to fry.

Right now my commitment is to make a decision to try *something* in the next 2 days. It most likely will be letting them try to put new bulbs in, unless the technician sees something else. It can't hurt. Please Universe, let it just be the bulbs, I have some much larger expenditures coming my way.

I don't even know that I documented my discovery Friday? when I went up to check the attic pans and looked up. The apex of that relatively flat section of roof of the anddition, above the dormer where it joins the main part of the roof...has split. Splintered. This is why the place where the water is coming in shifted a bit. Now we are at DEFCON2 with having to do something with the roof. And have a structural inspection to make sure it's not coming from settlement. And maybe even just do a larger overhaul of the addition. Get rid of the dormer altogether. Etc. Or get the hell out and board it up. I will go look at it again after I get my car situation and the transport details done. I have got to compartmentalize. I also cannot afford to spend weeks in denial. I have so much to do. Wrap up taxes. Fly down, finish Dad taxes, bring him back up here. Must try to get as much done as possible before his surgery. Even transport details I may have to delegate, though I did a lot of work on that yesterday.

I am not a prayer. I don't believe in a higher power. The most spirituality I have ever been able to muster is a prayer for me to find my best right place in the Universe, and to be where I am supposed to be. Now more than ever, I need to listen. Much as the easy solution is to offer to move in with my Dad and Peaches, sell my house and help with caretaking, it feels in my body like the wrong move. Much as I saw that accepting the global promotion in my business job would prematurely end the explorative phase of my life in my early 40's, I see that moving in with them will be the premature death of my dream of early retirement before I have even kicked it off.

Interestingly, Pixy mentioned to me that in her experience, having a condo was just as much headache as having a house; it consumed so much of her bandwidth to try to get anything done.

This may force me to look for a home and make tradeoffs in a much swifter manner. But perhaps that is what I need. I always had deadlines at work. I am that person who they admonish "perfect is the enemy of good". I am a devil's advocate, an out of the box problem solver, but I am always looking for the solution which is the "optimal" outcome. When you are dealing with unknowns, you can just take opinions and information and put it all into the mental computer and come up with a solution. Maybe that is why the situation with the house has been so perplexing. I did all the homework and I did the repairs I was told and it didn't work. Spectacularly.

I think there are two differences. At work, though I was certainly talented and invested in the work and decisions, in the end other than performance reviews and bonuses, the project recommendations did not feel like an existential threat. (Politics and people did.) The house, it feels like an existential threat. Both physically and financially. Possibly mostly financially, it would benefit me to spend some time sitting with that fear. Also spend some time visualizing my life WITHOUT that fear.

Second, at work, there were always other people involved in vetting the decision. We would brainstorm together to get an accepted set of assumptions (even if I didn't always agree with them). Put them in the cooker and come up with a recommendation. I'm used to having other people validate and share responsibility for the outcome. Maybe I like to hide in numbers. Maybe I felt more supported. Maybe it's like being in school where there was a "right answer" confirmed by someone else.

I was more confident in dealing with facts and information (analytics) and not with people (contractors, funky house problems which stump contractors). This is definitely not my forte. And I am not sure I really want to spend more years of my retirement MAKING it my forte. I may not have a choice. But it would be a good idea to buy a new house before I open up the wallet and start pouring endless amounts of money into the current one.

I so am not seeing how it will be possible to do that while dad is coming up to get knee surgery and rehab. But maybe this is the excuse I need to take care of myself first, instead of driving out there most days and keeping him company for hours on end. It's not like last time when he had a medical crisis. it's just a knee replacement, and Peaches will mostly be there.

Fiera's Fighting Plan for Today (Because moving forward is ALL that I can do)
Prepare basement for Intake
Intake shopping list and remaining to do's
Clean Laundry fold/put away
Walk Outdoors (group walk at 11!)
Check for Tax Updates
72t Calculation / Ask Q's
Budget Categories/Spending/Cash Remaining
Meditate
Clean eating (stupid hummus is not my friend, nor are the transport cookies) Gah!
Color hair

Been nice journaling in the bed with my matcha and now decaf. I did start last night on the couch but I think I moved in the bed around 12:30. I was hot (the usual reason I relocate). I slept fitfully again because my mind was working on the split in the rafters. And other signs of stress on an old structure, most of which I think are old repairs failing.

The Universe is gently nudging me to take steps and see possibilities. I will rise. My health is better than it was a couple of years ago. I no longer have S and AN taking up bandwidth. I have let Jason drift, because of my weight but also because I just don't desire around complicated people/situations. Proggy has been giving me space and so has my Dad. I have turned a corner on Women's Club and feel that is in the past. I have reconnected with my meditation group. I'm OK. I'm capable. I'm stronger. I'm not smoking. I am making my bed and taking a shower every day. :) I have stopped outgrowing my clothes. I have made a dent in declutterring, donating, tossing some things, and finding that the passage of time is making parting with certain things easier. I'm OK and I will continue to be OK. Simple is good. I'm right where I need to be right now...taking care of myself, and my infastructure and just letting everyone else sit.

Yay. Self Care is not selfish. I don't need people who require so much time/attention that it draws me away from taking care of myself. It's a nice quiet space here in my bedroom, with my comfy bed and my matcha and coffee. A place of respite in spite of the nightmares going on above the den next door. I'm in the "original" part of the house, the den is an addition on the rear. Last night I kissed an old growth lumber upright between the living and dining room and told the house that we were going to be OK. And I meant it.

Off to shower so I can be out the door in 20 to meet the dog walking group. It's nice and sunny! I'm running so late because of the time change last night.
 
Went to the Sunday dog walk, some people I have known for ages, some just recent. It takes time and repetition for me to recognize faces and learn names (and dogs), but slowly, slowly,

Bob E, who recently lost a dog, is expressing interest in one of our adoptables. He thinks timing is bad because he just started a new job. He will be at the fundraiser next Sat so now I am scheming to get the adopable dog to the same event, along with 3 other adoptables. I also have been assisting with recruiting fosters for the incoming pups, something Difficult Woman should be doing. I am taking one and today I secured another thru networking and offering to transport. The folks involved are putting almost no face time into building the relationships that make these sort of things work when the chips are down. I also am working on a 4 day gap foster, which is a pretty easy thing to fill when you actually make an effort to tell people it is that short, Moving on...

I was pretty hungry when I got home from the meetup and picked up Shrimp tacos and a steak burrito from the joint down the block. I ate the tacos initially, and then 3/4 of the burrito a couple of hours later, Oh well, that should be it for the day.

I logged in and checked again for final tax forms, nothing, Sent a note off to my financial advisor.

I took some more observations of the exterior of the roof. It was informative.
 
Whoa, today was a total whirlwind.

5:30 alarm was really more like 4:30 since we sprang ahead Sat night. Arrived dealer 6:45 to try to catch darkness w headlight issue. They seemed unconvinced in spite of my descriptions of the problems. But given that headlights were 10Y0 and I felt like we had ruled out the other typical explanations, I went ahead with the $600 repair. Yep that is right. $340 for bulbs and $300 for labor because they have to remove the bumper. Good news is that although I had to wait til drove home from med group, the change is dramatic. White lines are reflecting again, and I am able to see cars parked on the side of the road. Everything is whiter, brighter, and more crisp. Can't wait to take it out to the really dark area and video for comparison.

After dealer, shopped at TJ then drove home and dropped off. Then back to wholesale club for snacks, REI for return (defective) and exchange. Jen for folders, back to Jen for tags, then to A's hubby's office for unmade kit components, then grocery for supplies, soda, ice. Unload at home then emails emails emails about fundraiser, volunteer details for Thurs etc. In the midst of all that a hunt for a label maker. I gave up and ordered one. Then off to meditation group 6:30-8:30. More emails to fosters and a query to Jr for a discount on sponsored tix for fosters. Well that is the bulk of the day any way.
 
Tuesday

Though around 8:30 I was done for the night, so opened a Malbec and poured a glass and flipped on tv for a bit. But another foster email came thru about fundraiser and I took care of that then chased Pixy for info about the one from earlier asking for a plus one. I finally wrote an email to Jer asking if we shoukd could give us mercy on cost of the tickets for fosters. Everyone has said yes save one, and 3 of 4 people have asked for +1.
 
Weds

Yesterday was so busy I had no time to finish and went to bed utterly spent. 4 fosters, 6 comp and 1 paid ticket. Jr is not returning my emails so I will call her today and see if she is angry or just busy. I might need to drop off a check for her.

BJP, one of my super volunteers responded to my call for help assembling kits that A dropped off. I own a label maker now and picked a good one which doesn't require any software and has a keyboard and dummy buttons, It worked great. It did take longer than expected so she was not able to help me with coats, but she helped me get the floor mat positioned. Sweet. I really respect her work ethic and intelligence, She was also talking about 2 trips she has taken to Italy and Puglia region red wine (cabernet I think). She also uses the same vet office, and her last dog Gr----- died 2 years ago.

Storms are predicted for the transport/intake Thursday afternoon, I really need for the forecast to be nothing worse than intermittent showers. Upon arrival the dogs need to be able to get out and be walked a bit to do their bodily functions. My yard will be a mud pit. BJP suggested we have people bring rain jackets for the dogs. How many more details can we have added to manage? Right now my strategy is to pray the forecast improves.

I also called LaurEm, who agreed to make bandanas for the adoptables to wear at the fundraiser event Sat. I brought it up to Pixy and she had been thinking same, and was grateful I was off and running with it.

Opthamologist visit was good...my eyes were quite dry, which she indicate can worsen night vision such as glare and light scattering. But my corneal scars have not come back which is great. My blepharitis is much improved. My pupils are dialating OK. When I have time I will test the new headlights at night. Hopefully the answer is the headlights and OTC eye drops. She also said "a lot of people have trouble seeing under the conditions you are describing"...in other words it could just be something I will have to live with. Some discussion about prism - apparently my glasses have an adjustment in both eyes and their machine which reads the glasses was not picking up on it. I started to recall the eye doc saying that my eyes drift outward a bit. The opthamologist said in her opinion optometrists tend to overuse prism when it isn't always necessary. I certainly wasn't feeling there was a problem and they pushed it so she might me right, Maybe they can uncharge for it or it keeps people from going to then $99 glasses people. I think I want to try the $99 glasses, without the correction. It also can be a factor why I have started having problems with scrolling, trains passing, and other dizziness....something I never had when I wore my contacts all the time. WOW. To think it might explain certain sensations and dizziness because my lenses are manipulating where my eyes are forced to focus-YES YES YES this makes so much sense!!! I was given this prescription in 2021. I don't think I ever had it before that. And I wore contacts 24/7 before the pandemic, before the Sjogren's / hormone changes dried my eyes out.

Now. Present moment.

I am in the bed. I slept in the bed. It seems that the #1 thing that gets me into the bedroom is that I am too hot sleeping on the couch and the bed is cooler. Whatever, it works. Having my morning matcha in bed is becoming a thing, As is making the bed and tidying up the kitchen/dishes while the water is heating up. And showering almost every day. I like being busy. Not crazy busy like the last few days, but busy. It keeps one out of too much trouble. That being said the dysregulation of meals and having snacks in the house has made it far too easy to grab cookies, peanut butter, etc. I have not been on the scale in several days - a week - ish.

There are a lot of little chores to do today...but the work I have put in the last couple of days will make it manageable.

I got the quote on the masonry, I need to review further but it looks about $13K. The roof and gutters along with soffit and fascia repair could be $25-40K, by the time I have a structural and architect look at redesigning the dormer/flat part of roof/ventilation. Windows, don't get me started. Then the tile in the basement. And the drainage maybe $10-15K. That is just to repair the fundamentals without the electrical update, plumbing updates, or remodeling the den. Or landscaping. Or the fence. Or deck. Or Central A/C. Or attic insulation/ventilation. Or new concrete stairs in the back. Or a new garage (or new slab). Or plaster repairs and painting. Ooooh girl...

A house on the next block went on the market, I need to go look at it.
 
Also, it is nice not having to jump up and run to a scheduled appt. today. 🙂
I had car appt at 7 Monday, Opthamologist at 10:20 yesterday, cleaning lady tomorrow at 9 and then the foster will be here and I will have to walk the dog at 6 or 7 in the morning. Savoring the last slow wakeup for sure. Moved to the den, curtains open, sun streaming in.
 
Got busy with preparations for the transport. Packing car, setting up basement, repacking the medical kit (which is simply too small). I called Jr around 9:30 and sorted the sponsored tix, either she didn't tell Pixy or Pixy forgot about the check which came thru 2 WEEKS ago from the BOD member we have been tring to get a hold of. So gave final catering counts. The Pixy starts up about how "we" really should try to get more dogs to the fundraiser. I wasn't angry, I just simply said I was maxed out and I needed to be getting ready for the transport. She tried again, bless her heart. I can't do morel It was a lot of coordination and unnecessary fretting about the cost of tickets. I know we are all slammed and I am grateful that I recognized I was at my limit before something blew.

Around 3 skies started looking like the predicted tstorms were starting to roll in. I was getting frustrated with trying to find photos for the bulletin board and was depleted and needed a break. I knew I wasn't going to cook dinner, I went out and got some fried chicken. Ate that, must have power napped because the next thing I knew I was waking up out of a sound sleep.

Now I am waiting (dreading) the Tstorms coming to rain in my attic (hopefully not thru into the den). I went up and made sure that the bucket is empty. The rain will probably leak into the back basement. Lovely. I have no business having people over and yet if I have to give up having people over then my world gets smaller. It sucks.

But every day I declutter a bit more, do a bit more, I hope I don't end up regretting taking a foster,

I still have to do a bit more shopping so I will go do that shortly. Baby food for the pups and a few more snacks for the humans,
 
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Friday

F is For...

FDog. My new foster is a social, active 2-3 year old who weighs a good 75 pounds and drinks a lot of water. We took 3 trips outside in the evening before bed. Probably needed water. He also has a very short tail as the result of some unfortunately accident, It stinks because it makes him a lot harder to place. He is such a good boy. I already say that what he lacks in tail he makes up for in personality. He also has been able to settle himself in the crate. He will have supervised freedom in the house today. And possibly a belly band though indications are he does not mark in the house,

I originally thought I would end up with another boy. But one of the volunteers seemed to really want to take him so I let him go. They were all lovely, and technically I am trying to not be in the market right now, So we will see.

......

FDog so far is pretty easy. He is a bit excited on the lead. But he goes to the bathroom outside immediately. He doesn't mark on anything, no trees or shrubs etc. Which means I get exercise when walking him.
 
Saturday

Yesterday was an active day. FDog was water tanking from the anxiety of the transition...we had 3 full bladder accidents in the house til I stopped filling the water bowl more than an inch and started taking him out 30 minutes after he drank and 60 minutes regardless. Plus 3 1 mile walks (Lauri brought S(10) and N(3) for the third one. Around the block walks also.

After she leftFDOg went out once or twice more and then I put him in his crate and took a HARD nap. He ended up getting dinner around 5:30 and after that he relaxed mostly for the remainder of the evening. We had a couple of trips out around 10:30/11 and then back in the crate and me to bed. No idea why I spent most of the night drifting in and out of sleep especially without the tv on, but around 3 I finally turned the light off. He was fine in the dark and I finally got some actual sleep.

This morning I think the water tanking is no longer a concern. He is still gulping his food even with a kong in the bowl so I need to try a smaller bowl or a bigger cong I guess. Bloat is a risk.

I stink. I need a shower. Yesterday I was busy with FDog, with transport related cleanup, getting out the volunteer emails, touching base with Pixy and relaying some info because Pixy's is still in the last stages of getting her new computer running. Now that FDog is getting a bit more settled, I can crate him while I shower. I get the impression he has never spent time alone without other dogs and he follows me all around the house, including the bathroom. I will do a bit of alone time training starting Mondayish. It will be stressful but the question is whether it seems like he has the potential to adapt.
 
The good: FDog did great on our walk. We came across some early-starting St Patty's revelers, taking pics and with drinks in hand on the sidewalk at 10AM. A they took some photos with FDog. He loved the college age girls, one in particular. And loves people.

The bad: Nearer home, came across a person running three dogs off leash in the ballfields. I called to report and took some photos; she let the dog poop and went over and looked and then walked away when she didn't find it. I caught her on video. I ended up marching over and giving her a bag and she got defensive, saying she ALWAYS picks up and sometimes she even picks up after other people and showed me a pocket full of bags and said she apologized if she missed something. I said don't apologize to me, apologize to the neighborhood. And then I dialed down my anger and asked her why she does it? When dogs aren't even permitted in the ballfields? "I live nearby" "I've lived her for 40 years" "They need the exercise" and the big one "my son is policeman and my daughter is a firefighter"....in other words, no one is going to challenge her and nothing will ever happen to force her to change. She said she is not going to stop, she is not going to drive to the dog park a mile away. She is entitled. And I knew it wasn't a hill I was going to die on. I introduced myself, said let's be neighborly even though we don't see eye to eye on this. The cop rolled in and apologized to her "It doesn't matter to me but when I get a call I gotta come". She was not the worst kind of dog owner at all...her dogs were very well behaved. But I do think she knew her dog pooped and left it when she did not find it immediately. The problem is that other less responsible dog owners are encouraged by her example to do the same thing, and eventually it ruins it for everyone or someone gets hurt.

I am sure she has a fenced yard if she has lived in this area for 40 years. She was just being too lazy to go somewhere authorized.

And kids play on that grass. Darn it.
 
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