Feel Like a Failure

chubbygirl

chubbygirl

New member
I need to start a new journal because I need this site for accountability but I didn’t feel right posting it in my old journal. I’m going to make an effort again to be around more because I obviously benefit from expressing my issues.
Sorry to all my followers for being gone for so long and not continuing to support you in your journals. I thought I needed to do this on my own but I was very wrong. I’m going to start from the beginning again in case you are new and never knew me before. I also got Internet at home now so I should be able to update more.

Here it goes from the beginning::nopity:
All my life I’ve felt heavy and out of place and I’m always trying to lose weight. I’m addicted to food and I’m pretty sure I have a binge eating disorder. I would consider myself pretty knowledgeable when it comes to nutrition and exercise and I know the proper ways to lose weight. I did try all the fad diets when I was young and it always resulted in yo-yo weight loss. At my heaviest I was 224 (well that was after two weeks of dieting before I was brave enough to step on the scale). I’m proud to say I haven’t been in the 200’s since 2006 but some days I feel like I could wake up and be right back where I started.
Losing weight has always been hard for me and when I am losing it’s because I’m working out morning and night and eating a strict amount of calories or making sure I’m burning more in the gym. It’s always on my mind or not far from it. It controls all aspects of my life. I have come very close to my goal twice now and when I get there I feel so damn great. Nothing can get me down. The problem I have is as soon as I get comfortable I spiral back to my old ways. I find myself hiding food and picking up take out and having no motivation to keep up on the intense exercises.
I’m an all or nothing type person and I know that’s why I have so many struggles. I’ve never been able to find a balance and have never maintained a weight – even a high weight! Most members of my family are the same. We grew up having many night time snacks and watching lots of television. We are also very social and love celebrating everything with food. I used to be able to be really good during the week and indulge in treats over the weekend and for a while that worked and allowed me to maintain a weight but maybe only for a month or two before I would end up not being so great during the week and horrible on the weekends so eventually I would put on weight again.
The past couple years I have had some big motivators to lose weight – my wedding and then my honeymoon which both times had me almost down to my goal. I went away for my honeymoon on March 13, 2011 and that day I weighed in at 142 – it was the trip of a lifetime and hubby and I spent a lot of time talking about how we were going to maintain our healthy lifestyles when we got back home and started to try for a family.
Well I went off my bcp around that time and the last 6 years or so while I was on the pill I would rarely take a week off so I never got my period. I was warned that when I went off the pill my periods would be irregular and it could take a year to regulate. I’m always the person that thinks “that won’t happen to me” so I just assumed it would be okay and that I could start trying for a baby right away. I had also read that if you get pregnant right away after coming off the pill your chances of having twins is increased so I was so excited to start trying because I’ve been dreaming about having twins.
So my first cycle after coming off the pill seemed normal. I only had a period for one day but then it seemed like I ovulated so we were getting busy a lot, lol! 29 days later I got my period and everything seemed normal. I was still exercising and eating okay at this point but I did notice I was gaining weight slowly. I stopped doing my intense exercise because I read somewhere that intense exercise can affect implantation so instead of running miles I would walk and instead of using my kettle bells I switched to lower dumb bells. I also started craving chocolate like crazy. It was all I could think about and I would buy chocolate bars and hide the wrappers from my husband. I was embarrassed about it and I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop and the cravings wouldn’t go away because I wouldn’t stop. Easter chocolate was on sale and I would buy it and eat it in secret. I found out I didn’t get pregnant the first month and now I haven’t ovulated again or got another period. I have crazy mood swings and all I want to do is sleep. I’ve read so many things online that are only making me go more crazy and lots of places I have read that this is normal but I can’t help but think it’s not.
My sister has been trying for over two years to get pregnant so I don’t get much sympathy from anyone in my family I know it’s normal to take up to a year but I just wanted it to happen right away so bad. Gaining weight and not exercising it not helping my situation and it’s only making me more depressed. Today I just want to cry.
I keep saying tomorrow I’m getting back to the healthy lifestyle and I try writing down what I’m eating but then I sit at work and think about chocolate. I’ve got the exercising back to every second day but it’s nowhere as intense as it was. You would think the motivation to have a healthy baby and get healthy so it makes having a baby easier would be motivation enough but it’s not.
I feel so horrible for gaining the weight back so quickly (last week I weighed myself at 160.2) and I feel so horrible for feeling so horrible.:banghead:
To make things worse I’ve recently become close with one of my husband’s friends girlfriends and she was trying to convince me to not have a baby till after summer so we could be drinking buddies at parties and she just found out she’s pregnant! They obviously weren’t trying but she missed her pills for a couple weeks because she couldn’t get in to see the doctor for a new prescription and they thought they were being careful. So that is just adding extra pressure on me because I would love to be pregnant at the same time as her and have kids the same age.
My hormones are just all out of whack and my drive for anything is way, way down. I just don’t feel myself and I’m not sure how to get back there – well to be honest I know exercise and eating right will get me back there but I just don’t feel strong enough to start. I made a doctor’s appointment for Thursday to discuss this all with him but I just have a feeling he’s going to tell me to wait it out and to start exercising more again. I know it’s important so why won’t I force myself to do it.
Wow that was long winded. Thank you to anyone who read it all. It already feels so good to be back. I have continued to read your posts while I was gone but I was just too chicken and embarrassed to be around full time. I feel like a failure...once again. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever be able to maintain a healthy weight? Maybe I need therapy.
 
Hi Lisa

I know how you are feeling....my husband and I decided that we would start trying for a baby and for over a year it didn't work...I had never taken the pill and I had very regular periods....I think when we want the pregnancy too much it's too stressful for our bodies and it just dosen't happen...in our case we decided to get married and the baby would happen when it would happen...of course the day after I bought my wedding dress I found out my daughter was on her way! I know it's hard, I used to cry every time I had my perriods...if you need anyone to talk to I am here for you!

We will get back into the weight loss thing together ....

Take care
 
Oh Lisa hon, I'm so sorry you're feeling like such a failure. Sending big hugs your way!

So much of what you are saying sounds so familiar to me. WHY are we so obsessed with food??!?!?! I feel like it's all I think about - how many calories have I eaten, how many can I have, planning what to eat, how many calories are in this or that, wishing I could eat something else, planning even harder just so I can fit in those naughty treats. Most days I barely hang on to maintenence levels, but for the last month or 2 I feel like I'm slipping, slipping, slipping...

Lately I find that I wait till the kids are in bed and hubby leaves for pool or dart league, then sit in front of the TV snacking. Add in a few glasses of wine, and the urge to snack gets so overpowering that I can't seem to control it. On the nights when hubby stays home I find myself feeling resentful that he's there intruding on my private snack time because I don't want him to see me oinking out. As a result I'm a crabby bitch to him.

I remember a time a few months back when I used to wait for him to leave because I was looking forward to working out and didn't want an audience. What happened to those days??!?!?

I know it seems like I'm maintaining my weight fairly well from what people see on the outside, but I don't feel like I am. All this obsessing, guilt over what I eat, guilt over not working out, all the ups and downs - it's starting to make me crazy!

I wonder if people who are naturally skinny obsess this much about food?

So.... I'm sorry I don't really have any answers or advice at the moment. Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and that I'm here to give you a boost up as you get back on the wagon if that's what you choose to do. Hopefully together we can learn to find balance on the skinny side of life.

Welcome back!
 
I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I just reached my goal weight about a month ago and the things you are talking about has been in the back of my mind since I started getting close to my goal. I am a lot older than you and have been yo-yo dieting all my life. I would lose 80 pounds then gain 100 - lose 60 then gain 80 so I know what you are talking about. Maintenance scared the hell out of me and still does. I know how easy it is to get into old habits. You have to remember when people say it is a lifestyle change it really is a lifestyle change. That means that you have to try to break old habits if you can. I know all about the emotional eating - I should be on the magazine cover of Emotional Eaters ( if there was a magazine called that-lol). It is so easy to go back to old habits and so hard to try to maintain. After all if you eat right and exercise you don't want to see any change on the scale. So different than when you are trying to lose weight and get rewarded by the scale going down. I used to think I was addicted to seeing the scale go down not to food-lol. So I would gain weight and then get rewarded by eating and exercising and seeing the scale go down again- I really was stupid!!

You know you can do this- you have done it before and done it so beautifully. Stress is a big trigger in my life and sounds like it is in yours too. As soon as I am stressed about something I eat. I HAD to stop that so I took up running. Now when I am stressed instead of eating I run. I may run for an hour before I feel normal again but so far it has worked. You just need to find your stress relief that doesn't involve chocolate or any other fattening foods. You CAN DO THIS!! I KNOW YOU CAN!! We are here to support you - whatever you need!!

Tig and I informally formed a maintenance buddy system. Sounds like she hasn't been telling me everything- eh, Tig-LOL? That is okay, we are here to support one another. That is what we do on this forum. You will get through this and come out on the other side a stronger person. Keep fighting the fight!!
 
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You're not a failure

Hi,

I am new here and this is my first reply, I just want to say that you should not be beating yourself up like this! It is important for you to stay motivated and not rest on your laurels, but it's also important to have perspective - you are a full 65 pounds below your heaviest weight! That's great!

I think you should promise yourself not to conceal. It's bad enough feeling guilty about eating without feeling guilty about hiding it. I am sure your husband won't judge you for an occasional Hershey bar, especially if you offset it by exercise or giving up something else.

As for the pregnancy, I agree with the above poster that stress is the WORST ENEMY of someone who is trying to conceive. Easy as it is to say, and hard as it is to do, try not to obsess about it. It will happen when your body is ready. Women's bodies have evolved to prevent us from having babies unless they have a good chance of survival - many pregnancies end in very early miscarriages. Your body may be interpreting your stressed-out state as a sign that now is not a good time to have a baby.

I hope that is helpful in some way.
 
Thanks Veronique, Tig and Cowboy - your responses really meant a lot and really made me feel better about how I've been feeling.
Today is a better day and yesterday ended up getting better too.
My husband reminded me last night that things could be a lot worse and I need to concentrate on the good things in my life and the things that make me happy. He of course is one of them and I'm so lucky to have his support.
We went golfing last night and the winds were so strong that I felt like I got a good work out just walking against the wind and pushing my cart.
I didn't give in to my chocolate cravings yesterday so that felt good getting through one day - I know it will get easier from here if I keep resisting.
I find if I keep busy I do a lot better because I'm not thinking about food as much or what I'm going to eat next.
I signed up to play baseball in a fun league and it starts tonight so that will keep me busy Wednesday nights. Last year I played with a bunch of girls and they were too competitive for my liking so this year I joined a mixed league and it sounds like it should be a good time.
I miss running and I really need to get back to it. The last time I was on the treadmill I tried jogging for a bit and my thighs were giggling again like they used to and I hate that feeling so much so it's going to be a struggle to get back to where I was at. It is a great stress relief though and I always feel so great after a good run so I'm determined to start back.
I'm on a new work schedule where I work Monday - Thursday 7-5 and it's been hard the last couple weeks to get into the swing of things. I used to exercise right after work at 4pm and now I'm finding by the end of the work day I'm too tired to go to the gym so I tell myself I'll exercise after dinner but by that time I'm on the couch and not getting back up again till bed. I just need to get back into a schedule where I exercise before dinner so I'm setting a goal to do that Thursday since tonight is baseball.
Coming here and posting daily will really help me again. I'm getting my mind in the right place slowly but surely. Thanks again for your comments and lifting my spirit. :seeya:
 
Lisa - I have been MIA, too, but lurking around... I had to come out of hiding to offer up my support for you, though. I'm so sorry to hear about all the stresses you've got going on. Hopefully writing them out and getting support here will help. I have to admit that I hate that you used the word "failure" in your thread name! I read in someone's diary here something along the lines of "You haven't failed if you haven't quit trying" (I'm sure I got that wrong, but the message is the same). Most of us have shared at least some of your journey with you, and we know you are strong and capable of anything. You hit a bump in the road, sure, but what is life without some hiccups along the way? Stick around here so we can remind you of how awesome you are and help in any way we can. You CAN do this!!!
 
Hey Lisa sounds like you are feeling better already!! So happy for you!
Keep doing one day at a time...it's great that you decided to focus on things that make you happy....I need to do the same!
 
Lisa,

I have been gone for waay to long, but just wanted to drop you a note to say that you are not a failure. I am just catching up on your wedding pics and pics from honeymoon and you look awesome. You did a fantastic job and you can do it again. Like your hubby said, focusing on good things in like always helps. Stress is bad for anything, including babymaking and workout routine. I am sending you positive energy. I just realized that I am finally in the same time-zone as a lot of forum friends finally. I apologize for being MIA. Graduate school kicked my ass. I have caught up on your journal and will continue to read your updates.

Be strong!
 
Hi Lisa,

You sound really down :grouphug:

I just wanted to say DON'T BLAME YOUR WEIGHT FOR YOU NOT CONCEIVING!!!!!!!! You aren't that much overweight for it to have an effect on your fertility, I'm sure of it.

Just try to relax a bit. When you have a baby, you will be glad that it took so long, because if it hadn't you wouldn't have that exact little boy or girl that you love so much. xxxxx
 
Juni so nice to see you around! Thanks for your support! I'll have to see if you updated your diary.
Thanks friends - Laura, Veronique, Tig and Rainbow for stopping by and supporting me. It always helps to hear I'm not alone and this too shall pass.
I've been feeling a little better but still pretty down. Some days are good and some days I'm just so lazy that my mind can't even be bothered to think about exercising. I just feel mentally drained some days and I've never felt like that before - well since I was in school anyway.
Baseball was so fun Wednesday - I went from being the worst girl on the team to being the best. There was no stress and I just went out and had a good time. It was tons of exercise too. We played 9 innings and the other team was pretty good so we were out in the field lots. I also got to bat a few times and sprinting the bases really showed me how out of shape I'm in again. I wasn't too sore Thursday but Friday I could barely move.
Saturday I spent a few hours doing yard work - raking and planting and weed wacking so that was a decent work out. Sunday we went golfing but it was too hot to walk so there wasn't much exercise there. The eating didn't get better this weekend so I'm feeling a little guilty for that. I just wish I would do what I say. I tell myself not to eat it but then I eat it anyway - why is that???
I went to the doctor and I have a couple tests scheduled. A pelvic ultrasound this Wednesday so they can check for cysts and then he wants me to get some blood work done when I'm on cycle day 2 or 4. The problem is wondering when that is going to come. Right now I'm on cycle day 40 and no signs of my period coming anytime soon. I know I know - don't stress.
I never thought I would come to a point in my life where I was hoping my period would hurry up and get here!
Eating has been okay today and I hope it ends that way or better!
 
Hey Lisa.

I am sending positive vibes your way.....It will get better....My sister always say that loosing weight is like having your emotions on a rollercoaster...she is so right....sometimes I will feel great and then for no reason I am back emotianally where I was years ago!!! Don't stop trying ...that is the only way not to fail!
 
Sounds like you have a lot of emotional roller coasters going on right now. Ups and downs with eating and exercise issues, not to mention the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant. It's no wonder you are feeling drained!

Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck with the tests and please keep us posted on how it turns out.
 
Hey Lisa

You haven't been around in a few day!1 I hope all is going well and that we will get to hear from you soon!
 
Verobc said:
Hey Lisa.
I am sending positive vibes your way.....It will get better....My sister always say that loosing weight is like having your emotions on a rollercoaster...she is so right....sometimes I will feel great and then for no reason I am back emotianally where I was years ago!!! Don't stop trying ...that is the only way not to fail!
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Thanks Veronique! This is so true! It was a long break I took this time but I'm not giving up!

Tigpuppy said:
Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck with the tests and please keep us posted on how it turns out.
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Thanks Tig. I am too hard on myself but I'm not sure how to change that.

juni said:
This will all pass. Sending you good energy.
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Thanks Juni - it has passed for this week anyway, lol! The good energy helped!

This week has been going great. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Monday night I had baseball practice and I road my bike to the ball park – 12 kms each way. It was the first day I didn’t allow myself some sort of indulgence and it felt great having the control. It made Tuesday easier and I have a feeling the week is just going to get better from here. Last night I had golf and my legs were so sore after walking and pulling my cart but I think it was from the bike ride Monday. Tonight is our baseball game and I was kinda hoping it was cancelled so I can stay home and watch the hockey game but I’m going to go and get my exercise and catch the end of the game when I get home.
Eating has been good again. Today I had an apple as I was running out the door and in a bit I’m going to have my yogurt, blueberries and all bran buds. I have salad and tuna for lunch and green grapes for a snack and not sure what I’ll have for dinner – maybe a protein shake before my baseball game and a tuna melt or something when I get home.
My husband is getting sick of the belly he’s been growing since the honeymoon too so we made a bet that whoever loses the most inches off their waist in the next 8 weeks wins $100 to spend however they please and the loser has to clean the washrooms for the next month. So far it’s really motivating me because I would love to do some shopping or maybe add the money to my online poker account and try to turn it into $500 for shopping!!
I haven’t gotten any tests back yet from the doctor but I went for that pelvic ultra sound last week and it was awful to say the least. It’s been almost 60 days since I’ve had a period and that would be great if I were pregnant but not so great since I’m not. Oh well I need to get healthy again and right now that is my main focus.
 
Chubby Girl, you need a new name. How about, Inspirational Girl?

You are totally on the right track. I have similar food obsessions...frankly I don't fight the fact that I have them. It's pointless...I am convinced that once your body hits it's highest weight, part of your mind/body will be 100% dedicated, 24/7/365, to get you back to that weight. At all costs.

Sort of like a self-made millionaire who loses it all...and then dedicates their life to regaining the lost wealth.

To overcome the bad habits, I treat it like a dialogue between two parts of my mind, which at least makes it fun:

-->"Ok, yes, part of me wants to give up and eat a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips for breakfast this morning.....I hear you, I know you are there...

....thank you for your opinion, whatever part of my personality is offering that breakfast choice...

but instead I will listen to this other part of my personality that says, you can achieve whatever you want. But not if you eat that bag full of sugar. Eat something real."

Good luck!!
 
Hey Lisa...how are you doing? I am hoping that you are just to busy exercising and working to come on here! I hope all is going well!
 
Hey Lisa, sorry it's taken me so long to get round to posting in here--You have been in my thoughts though. Wondering if that facebook offer you extended to me a while ago was still good and, if so, could you PM me your name so I can find you. Would love to keep in contact if either of us fall off the wagon and don't post here for a while!

I've put most of my weight back on so I'm back at Weight Watchers and back in my old diary--How did we lose the fire?! Well, at least we are both back and focused. Sending hugs! xxx
 
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