Hi all, I'm new here, not just to this forum, but also to talking about my weight issues.
The anonymity of this forum makes me brave enough to talk about myself - that is what i joined this forum for - to spell out issues, and to face facts, so I am terribly sorry if this long long post bores you!! I must warn you I have nothing new to say - my problems are old, admitting them is the only new thing about it
A few lines about me: 29 year old woman, happily married, generally happy and cheerful, friendly, educated, successful at work (although currently on temporary break) considered bright, funny and helpful. Am independent and generally a together sort of woman.
And then there is the weight story. I was a skinny child - I come from a culture where that is NOT considered a good thing. Through the first 10 or so years of my life, i was cause for much worry and object of much (negative) attention, while my only brother was a chubby kid, doctor's nightmare, grandma's secret pride. We were each other's examples. I guess it worked - he is skinny now, I'm fat.
Just around puberty, I gained a whopping 30 or 40 pounds, going from very skinny to somewhat plump, and it has been a downhill slide since then. Around puberty, I started eating more - i was hungrier more often, and ate with a lot more than i used to. I went from chubby pre-teen to decidedly fat teen - inferiority complex, emotional eating, the whole she-bang.
The weight, however, made me an over-achiever - I did well in college, i built myself an excellent career, and with every achievement came an extra 10 pounds. The fact is, I never was more than 40 - 50 pounds over my ideal weight, but I am just 5 ft 2 inches tall, and that is really a lot to lug around.
I married my best friend from college and we are very happy. Apart from being a wonderful person, he is also an extremely fit, handsome man - and my primary source of motivation. he is supportive, helps me eat healthy, and works out with me. While my parents continue to say "you are just big boned, pumpkin, will you have some cake?" (think Nutty professor's family!!), my husband helps me stay focussed.
Goals didn't work. Wanted to hit 20 slim, didn't happen. Wanted to hit 25 slim, didn't happen. wanted to slim down for my wedding, didn't happen, and I cant bear to look at my wedding video.
Then things started moving. I started at 165 pounds in 2004, am now 140. Moving out of my country with my husband helped. But I've been here for a year - the last 20 pounds are a killer to burn off, I am not able to stay focused, my diet has fluctuated, I find myself desperate and losing hope.
Some 10 days back I started what i call a final "surge", I don't care how many times I failed in the past - I refuse to turn thirty while still being fat.
I eat about 1000 calories a day (but all healthy - eggbeaters, LOTs of veggies, some fruit, very little grain carbs), and i run for an hour and a half at the gym - i burn about 500 calories on the treadmill everyday. The thing is, I am not very athletic - it is not easy for me to stay on the treadmill for 75 to 90 minutes - I am not allowing myself emotional escape routes or excuses - no skipping gym, no emotional eating. And having to go (for the first time really, in all my life) without these escape buttons, It feels like a scary emotional detox - as i run, a lot of strange, suppressed emotions well up. I feel sad, anxious, alone, self-conscious, out of my depth.
At the end of it all, i understand that weight gain is NOT about eating. it is essential about suppression. I have generally been considered a woman who is always in control - family, friends and colleagues have depended on me to make and implement decisions, circumstances have made me many people's rock. The truth is no one is entirely pulled together and confident - having everybody's trust is a terrible burden to bear - food is the crutch.
There I said it.
I am not used to speaking about my problems. i am not used to asking for help. If it weren't for the anonymity that the internet offers, i would never have dared do this. None of my friends or family know how deeply i feel about this.
Finally, this has turned out a very long, and probably not very engaging post. Still, i would love to hear from anyone who cares to share.
- Skinny wont tell her name.
The anonymity of this forum makes me brave enough to talk about myself - that is what i joined this forum for - to spell out issues, and to face facts, so I am terribly sorry if this long long post bores you!! I must warn you I have nothing new to say - my problems are old, admitting them is the only new thing about it
A few lines about me: 29 year old woman, happily married, generally happy and cheerful, friendly, educated, successful at work (although currently on temporary break) considered bright, funny and helpful. Am independent and generally a together sort of woman.
And then there is the weight story. I was a skinny child - I come from a culture where that is NOT considered a good thing. Through the first 10 or so years of my life, i was cause for much worry and object of much (negative) attention, while my only brother was a chubby kid, doctor's nightmare, grandma's secret pride. We were each other's examples. I guess it worked - he is skinny now, I'm fat.
Just around puberty, I gained a whopping 30 or 40 pounds, going from very skinny to somewhat plump, and it has been a downhill slide since then. Around puberty, I started eating more - i was hungrier more often, and ate with a lot more than i used to. I went from chubby pre-teen to decidedly fat teen - inferiority complex, emotional eating, the whole she-bang.
The weight, however, made me an over-achiever - I did well in college, i built myself an excellent career, and with every achievement came an extra 10 pounds. The fact is, I never was more than 40 - 50 pounds over my ideal weight, but I am just 5 ft 2 inches tall, and that is really a lot to lug around.
I married my best friend from college and we are very happy. Apart from being a wonderful person, he is also an extremely fit, handsome man - and my primary source of motivation. he is supportive, helps me eat healthy, and works out with me. While my parents continue to say "you are just big boned, pumpkin, will you have some cake?" (think Nutty professor's family!!), my husband helps me stay focussed.
Goals didn't work. Wanted to hit 20 slim, didn't happen. Wanted to hit 25 slim, didn't happen. wanted to slim down for my wedding, didn't happen, and I cant bear to look at my wedding video.
Then things started moving. I started at 165 pounds in 2004, am now 140. Moving out of my country with my husband helped. But I've been here for a year - the last 20 pounds are a killer to burn off, I am not able to stay focused, my diet has fluctuated, I find myself desperate and losing hope.
Some 10 days back I started what i call a final "surge", I don't care how many times I failed in the past - I refuse to turn thirty while still being fat.
I eat about 1000 calories a day (but all healthy - eggbeaters, LOTs of veggies, some fruit, very little grain carbs), and i run for an hour and a half at the gym - i burn about 500 calories on the treadmill everyday. The thing is, I am not very athletic - it is not easy for me to stay on the treadmill for 75 to 90 minutes - I am not allowing myself emotional escape routes or excuses - no skipping gym, no emotional eating. And having to go (for the first time really, in all my life) without these escape buttons, It feels like a scary emotional detox - as i run, a lot of strange, suppressed emotions well up. I feel sad, anxious, alone, self-conscious, out of my depth.
At the end of it all, i understand that weight gain is NOT about eating. it is essential about suppression. I have generally been considered a woman who is always in control - family, friends and colleagues have depended on me to make and implement decisions, circumstances have made me many people's rock. The truth is no one is entirely pulled together and confident - having everybody's trust is a terrible burden to bear - food is the crutch.
There I said it.
I am not used to speaking about my problems. i am not used to asking for help. If it weren't for the anonymity that the internet offers, i would never have dared do this. None of my friends or family know how deeply i feel about this.
Finally, this has turned out a very long, and probably not very engaging post. Still, i would love to hear from anyone who cares to share.
- Skinny wont tell her name.
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You are almost under the magic 25 BMI! What great progress!!