Eradicating the fear

GainingME said:
Welcome back!

I've been faithful! I even didn't use ketchup with my 99 percent fat free turkey burgers! Instead, I used chopped tomatoes.

What is hard but worthwhile is that I've been stuffing some feelings down (about friends, family, etc.) all these years, and they are surfacing now, but I am not bleeding my strength with sugar so I'm ready for dealing with them.
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Congrats on remaining sugar-free- that's brilliant.

Repression is a b***h I'm afraid. I am chemically prone to repression and it has really killed me over the years. While it may seem unbearable to attempt to battle and confront all of the feelings you've gradually repressed over the years, the relief you'll experience once these feelings are faced and placed out in the open in comparable to nothing else. Trust me:) Try to deal with one person at a time or you'll just become too overwhelmed. Good luck!
 
Hey sweetheart :). I just asked my question because I hope for you that one day you'll realize its OK to binge but its not OK to purge. Binging is the least of your problems as compared to purging (issues starting with the throat and stomach and who knows what else). Your worthy and beautiful despite binging (and purging of course) and despite gaining some weight from your binges. Does that make sense? That's the view from someone not experiencing what you are inside. But you're working on this already so I'm not trying to rush you or anything. Anyway, surely you've heard it all before, but I just wanted to throw in my perhaps unwelcome two cents about my hope for you.
 
Crazybecka88 said:
Congrats on remaining sugar-free- that's brilliant.

Repression is a b***h I'm afraid. I am chemically prone to repression and it has really killed me over the years. While it may seem unbearable to attempt to battle and confront all of the feelings you've gradually repressed over the years, the relief you'll experience once these feelings are faced and placed out in the open in comparable to nothing else. Trust me:) Try to deal with one person at a time or you'll just become too overwhelmed. Good luck!
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Thanks. :) It's nothing really terrible. It's like when I quit smoking at first and suddenly realized there were certain people that "made" me want to smoke because they were toxic to me. I realized I didn't need them in my life, so I cut them out! :D I'm cutting out unnecessary stressors.
 
Yayayayayay!

I'M DOWN TWO POUNDS- YAYYYYYYYYYYY! I finally feel like I'm making progress! I feel great, for a change. Have to go on the news today to advocate our upcoming fundraiser- SO NERVOUS!

Crazy things happen to me, I swear. This girl who was my 'best friend' in college completely severed relations with me the summer after we graduated and suddenly contacted me this past weekend- now we're catching one another up, etc. but i feel a bit strange as she entirely cut me out of her life and it hurts me. I feel so torn as its so great to be back in touch but she kept in touch with others and not me. Oh girls!

Loads of work to do today- crazy crazy- Have a great day everyone!
 
Crazybecka88 said:
I'M DOWN TWO POUNDS- YAYYYYYYYYYYY! I finally feel like I'm making progress! I feel great, for a change. Have to go on the news today to advocate our upcoming fundraiser- SO NERVOUS!

Crazy things happen to me, I swear. This girl who was my 'best friend' in college completely severed relations with me the summer after we graduated and suddenly contacted me this past weekend- now we're catching one another up, etc. but i feel a bit strange as she entirely cut me out of her life and it hurts me. I feel so torn as its so great to be back in touch but she kept in touch with others and not me. Oh girls!

Loads of work to do today- crazy crazy- Have a great day everyone!
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TAKE THAT, FAT! TWO POUNDS OF YOU, GONE! Go Becca! :D

Friendships are really puzzling sometimes!
 
Blancita said:
Hey sweetheart :). I just asked my question because I hope for you that one day you'll realize its OK to binge but its not OK to purge. Binging is the least of your problems as compared to purging (issues starting with the throat and stomach and who knows what else). Your worthy and beautiful despite binging (and purging of course) and despite gaining some weight from your binges. Does that make sense? That's the view from someone not experiencing what you are inside. But you're working on this already so I'm not trying to rush you or anything. Anyway, surely you've heard it all before, but I just wanted to throw in my perhaps unwelcome two cents about my hope for you.
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Your 'two cents' are more than welcome! Thank you so much for your kind words- I really do appreciate it. I realize that the purging is the most serious of the two and was the first issue I need to resolve. I can't function after I binge unless I know I'm getting rid of the food so I just need to avoid the former to inevitably avoid the latter. That's the gameplan- Hope you're having a great day!!
 
Crazybecka88 said:
I can't function after I binge unless I know I'm getting rid of the food so I just need to avoid the former to inevitably avoid the latter.
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You're plan sounds like its working great for you. However dear Becka, you CAN and WILL one day be able to binge or overeat AND function without any purging. That has got to be the true goal because (coming from experience) sometimes its just impossible to avoid overeating or even binging, despite our best efforts not to. Sometimes its on a special occasion like Christmas or our birthday, other times we just have the munchies, while others eat when depressed.

But overeating isn't necessarily that unhealthy for your body, depending on the frequency and I KNOW you can control your frequency and keep it to a bare minimum. Keep that in mind, overeating is not in itself harmful unless done all the time and when not counteracted with days that are on the healthy side of low calorie-wise to balance out the weekly calorie intake and thus avoid weight gain.

Anyway, good luck on the news. That IS nerve racking!!!! Let us know how it goes :).
 
Blancita said:
You're plan sounds like its working great for you. However dear Becka, you CAN and WILL one day be able to binge or overeat AND function without any purging. That has got to be the true goal because (coming from experience) sometimes its just impossible to avoid overeating or even binging, despite our best efforts not to. Sometimes its on a special occasion like Christmas or our birthday, other times we just have the munchies, while others eat when depressed.

But overeating isn't necessarily that unhealthy for your body, depending on the frequency and I KNOW you can control your frequency and keep it to a bare minimum. Keep that in mind, overeating is not in itself harmful unless done all the time and when not counteracted with days that are on the healthy side of low calorie-wise to balance out the weekly calorie intake and thus avoid weight gain.

Anyway, good luck on the news. That IS nerve racking!!!! Let us know how it goes :).
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I know that some day, I will conquer and extinguish this 'beast' that lives inside of me.. It just takes time, unfortunately. It took 7 years to develop into a full-blown e/d and will probably take double that to rectify these habits. But I'm en route!

The news was fine. I hated the way I looked [surprise surprise] and my face looked like a bloody 14 year old balloon. I know i'll be praising myself for having such a youthful countenance in twenty years but i'm 23 and my face looks 14 [my boobs don't, mind you:)].

Day 5 of SBD- I dont' feel any different but I'm going to stick with it for the full two weeks and see what happens. Weight went up 3/4 pound but I'm not worried as I'm so well versed in the logic of weight fluctuation! Working all day then home to change and bartending from 5-3am- NO fun! Busy weekend ahead. Take care everyone x
 
Crazybecka88 said:
The news was fine. I hated the way I looked [surprise surprise] and my face looked like a bloody 14 year old balloon. I know i'll be praising myself for having such a youthful countenance in twenty years but i'm 23 and my face looks 14 [my boobs don't, mind you:)].
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We ALL hope for this combination luv :).

I'm sure you looked great on the news. I hope you taped it so in a few years you can look back and re-think that description of yourself. I'm proud of you for having the *b-lls* to go on there.
 
So I had to have a biopsy on a few moles today- bit scary but rather routine for the most part. Super busy at work and spent far too long doing things for the wedding! Check out my website with all the details- i promise to finally post photos this weekend!



Have a great day everyone!
 
Becka- I've decided that the forum isn't the right format for me. I'm going to start a private blog or offline dieting journal since, as I mentioned, issues are coming up as I stay away from junk!

Thank you so much for your support these past few weeks. I will visit your diary still so I won't be gone!
 
Well, I too will be cutting down my appearance on the forum. No particular reason other than I began to obsess about posting! No other weight loss as of yet but I'm trying my best to be patient. Really long and busy weekend. Exhausted now. Hope everyone is well!
 
Crazybecka88 said:
Well, I too will be cutting down my appearance on the forum. No particular reason other than I began to obsess about posting! No other weight loss as of yet but I'm trying my best to be patient. Really long and busy weekend. Exhausted now. Hope everyone is well!
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I enjoy reading your posts, but I hear ya on the time. Usually when its nice out and I'm busy outside, I dont have even a second to go online for a few days. But I find it fun and informative when I get the free time.
 
Yes, I've been MIA but I have been sticking to this new eating plan and thus far, I feel great. Lack of sleep has increased my hunger but I'm trying to cope with it as best as I can- I'm just so bloody tired! I only did 8/14 days of the first phase of the SBD as my stomach was very ill from lack of fiber and I couldnt take it any longer. Thankfully, two days into the Phase 2 and my stomach feels fabulous. I signed up for the SBD online to build my meal plan- we'll see how it progresses. I'm going to give it to Memorial Day and want to lose AT LEAST a pound a week- we'll see!

Everything else is fine. Really busy. Andrew is wonderful and I've been immersed in 'wedding land' as of late. Working Fri and Sat at the bar so come sunday, i'm going to be knackered! There is supposed to be a band, however, so perhaps I'll actually make decent money! Have a great day everyone!
 
Lost another pound- yipee! Most of the friends I've made on this seem to be disappearing- where are you guys!!!??

Things are great today. Had a rough few days of arguing w/ my other half and family matters but I'm feeling worlds better today. My fiance sent me this beautiful black dress in the post- that made my day yesterday! I just have to remind myself that an incredibly exciting and bright future lies ahead so I just need to cope and deal with the present until that point. How is everyone today!?
 
OOH Presents are always nice - very good :)
I just have to remind myself that an incredibly exciting and bright future lies ahead
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that's a great thing to remind yourself of :)

have yourself a wonderful day
 
I am here Becka. I've taken to poking around in other threads but not saying much. And at the moment, I have left my cyber diary for an actual notebook to keep track of things. A few weeks ago when I signed up, I thought I was ready but I wasn't. And then I started to panick that I was letting everyone down because I wasn't losing weight, while on the alternative I wasn't losing weight because I was panicked (read: obsessed) about having to give up treats and unfortunately, instead of eating a real lunch, I ate oreos as lunch everyday for a week. Granted I didn't gain weight and I finally felt satiated. But I felt bloated and like I was all backed up.

But yes, I am here and I make a point of it at least every other day to read up on your diary. I'm glad things are going. I'm glad that you can see how starting the next chapter of your life is going to be scary (with moving out of the states and all) yet the pros of the situation are so much more rewarding, fulfilling and happy. Sometimes when you're changing yourself (be it a weightloss, career change, etc) it's good to also have a scenary change. Less likely to have triggers of old habbits.

And aren't men wonderful? I had an amazing weekend with my boy and on Monday I almost started a "people appreciation" thread because I felt like screaming from the rooftops how amazing my boyfriend is and I wanted other ppl to either appreciate themselves in the thread or appreciate someone who means so much to them. But I held myself back because I didn't want to seem dorky... anyway, have a wonderful weekend if I don't get to talk to you.

xoxo!
 
brunettegoddess said:
I am here Becka. I've taken to poking around in other threads but not saying much. And at the moment, I have left my cyber diary for an actual notebook to keep track of things. A few weeks ago when I signed up, I thought I was ready but I wasn't. And then I started to panick that I was letting everyone down because I wasn't losing weight, while on the alternative I wasn't losing weight because I was panicked (read: obsessed) about having to give up treats and unfortunately, instead of eating a real lunch, I ate oreos as lunch everyday for a week. Granted I didn't gain weight and I finally felt satiated. But I felt bloated and like I was all backed up.

But yes, I am here and I make a point of it at least every other day to read up on your diary. I'm glad things are going. I'm glad that you can see how starting the next chapter of your life is going to be scary (with moving out of the states and all) yet the pros of the situation are so much more rewarding, fulfilling and happy. Sometimes when you're changing yourself (be it a weightloss, career change, etc) it's good to also have a scenary change. Less likely to have triggers of old habbits.

And aren't men wonderful? I had an amazing weekend with my boy and on Monday I almost started a "people appreciation" thread because I felt like screaming from the rooftops how amazing my boyfriend is and I wanted other ppl to either appreciate themselves in the thread or appreciate someone who means so much to them. But I held myself back because I didn't want to seem dorky... anyway, have a wonderful weekend if I don't get to talk to you.

xoxo!
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Heya love,

Don't hold back! Exhibiting appreciation for those in your life is oen of the most liberating self=esteem boosters there is! I too have the most incredible man in the world and I tend to shout it to the hills on an hourly basis- I'm so happy you're happy- great relationships are a rareity these days!

As far as the eating, I don't need to tell you that having oreos for lunch is not the healthiest alternative, despite the absence of weight gain. It's all that sugar! Not to mention, that's clear cut sign of bingeing, which, in my opinion, often culminates into something far more serious. If its three/four oreos and you really enjoy it, that's obviously fine- but a half of a box and eating until you feel ill? Not the best for your mental health [or physical for that matter]. Look, as you know, im "in recovery from my eating disorder and its been a very long journey thus far. Therapy didnt work out as I had planned [my therpist is an egotistical, arrogant prick who I loathe] and I've relapsed many times so far. But i've kept going and every time I've given in to temptation and eaten those 10 cookies, I've awoke the next morning feeling disgusting but motivated to ensure that this cycle comes to a stop someday. I know that offering you any source of cliche advice would be futile so I'll simply say that I'm here to talk should you ever need someone to evaluate, validate or make sense of your thoughts/eating/what have you- i'll message you my email.

AS for me, busy week this week and an even longer weekend ahead. Feeling crampy and bloated but its TOM AGAIN so I'm trying not to thinkabout it! Time to get to work- have a good day everyone!
 
Bump in the road

Well, there is a great reason I've been so absent as of late- I've been doing horribly with my diet and binging, etc. So, rather than wait another day, I signed up for LA yesterday to eradicate and put a stop to this vicious cycle. All the way down 16 pounds and then i just blew it for a week and ate like a bloody gorilla. I hate fad diets but what I have always liked about LA is that I feel obligated to remain faithful to my eating plan b/c i know i will have someone else viewing my weight a few times a week. Hopefully, this will be the push I need to get things back on track. I hate feeling this way. I feel so gross, even though i can finally fit into my designer skinny jeans [hip hip hooray!]. I'm not going to adjust my weight loss ticker until tomorrow as when I weighed in yesterday it was almost directly after a big binge, so, naturally, my weight was way up. I want to do this right!

Onto other matters, to coincide, or perhaps explain this eating behavior, the past two weeks have been hell. My dad and i werent speaking; my best friend and i were fighting; work cancelled my big fundraiser that I had invested the last 5 months of my life in due to financial reasons. And thats only the beginning. So, i'm ready for a fresh start to a new week on Sunday.

Bartending tonight and tomorrow, which normally elevates my mood thanks to my incredibly entertaining regulars and other clientele. It's only 9:30 but it feels like i have been at work for days- so ready to get out- I miss talking to all of you- Hope everyone is well and to hear from you soon xo
 
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