Eradicating the fear

Old habits die hard

The title should be self-explanatory for anyone who has been reading my thread. Somehow, some way, I broke my promise to myself yesterday...bad to my old cycle.. and today, I obviously feel like an absolute walking pile of shite. I can't comprehend how it happened or why it happened- I wasnt triggered by any negative emotions, as I had had a relatively good day. Basically, I just wanted to eat all of the 'forbidden foods' I could. Perhaps its because I know I'ms tarting a new regimented eating plan this weekend. But I could probably provide at least a million 'perhaps' and I still wouldnt understand why after all of this therapy and hard work, I still havent extinguished my demons. They're still here taunting me almost every day screaming 'eat, eat'. It's like that angel/devil scenario we see is so many films and television shows where your mind is split bilaterally. Yesterday, my angel seemed to have been home sick with the flu as the bad side won out.

I feel so freaking miserable. I wasnt going to even bother posting this as I am so incredibly ashamed that it happened again after I promised myself it wouldnt. But I figured that by not posting, I would just be perpetuating the cycle of keeping my 'secret concealed'. So, I'm venturing down the new path of being 110% honest instead of the usual 99%. I'm certainly paying for the binge today as my stomach is so inflamed and bloated- look preggo. Lovely way to start the day, eh?

Well, rather than continuing to immerse myself in this self-deprecating puddle of shame and self-pity, I suppose I just need to jump back on the bandwagon. Sticking away from a lot of carbs today and tomorrow- need to be really strict in order to fit into my ALTERED wedding dress on Saturday- bloody wonderful timing.Okay, depressing posts will cease now.
 
Crazybecka88 said:
The title should be self-explanatory for anyone who has been reading my thread. Somehow, some way, I broke my promise to myself yesterday...bad to my old cycle.. and today, I obviously feel like an absolute walking pile of shite. I can't comprehend how it happened or why it happened- I wasnt triggered by any negative emotions, as I had had a relatively good day. Basically, I just wanted to eat all of the 'forbidden foods' I could. Perhaps its because I know I'ms tarting a new regimented eating plan this weekend. But I could probably provide at least a million 'perhaps' and I still wouldnt understand why after all of this therapy and hard work, I still havent extinguished my demons. They're still here taunting me almost every day screaming 'eat, eat'. It's like that angel/devil scenario we see is so many films and television shows where your mind is split bilaterally. Yesterday, my angel seemed to have been home sick with the flu as the bad side won out.

I feel so freaking miserable. I wasnt going to even bother posting this as I am so incredibly ashamed that it happened again after I promised myself it wouldnt. But I figured that by not posting, I would just be perpetuating the cycle of keeping my 'secret concealed'. So, I'm venturing down the new path of being 110% honest instead of the usual 99%. I'm certainly paying for the binge today as my stomach is so inflamed and bloated- look preggo. Lovely way to start the day, eh?

Well, rather than continuing to immerse myself in this self-deprecating puddle of shame and self-pity, I suppose I just need to jump back on the bandwagon. Sticking away from a lot of carbs today and tomorrow- need to be really strict in order to fit into my ALTERED wedding dress on Saturday- bloody wonderful timing.Okay, depressing posts will cease now.
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Do you keep a private journal? Maybe recording the thoughts that lead up to the first compulsive bite will help you learn to see slippery slopes before you're sliding? I've been journaling a lot more and it helps.
 
Yes, I do. I only wish it were that easy...But, unfortunately its not and I've come to accept that I'm healing and I'm going to relapse.. It's just when those relapses regain their frequency that I'm in trouble. So I'm trying to put yesterday behind me and be optimistic. There's little else I can do at this point.

I'm going to spend the next three days really charting out my plan for this new eating plan. I need to be entirely organized and prepared so I don't give up out of a lack of time.

I would love nothing more than to vow to all of you that I will 'never purge again'- but anyone who has suffered from this agony knows its just not that easy... that breaking this 'vow' to yourself or to especially to others makes the process that much more difficult to come to terms with. So, instead I'm going to vow that I'm going to put my entire heart and self into this new eating plan and I'm going to start taking care of myself. WHen I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm going to just take a break and not keep pushing myself. When I feel the urge to indulge in 'forbidden trigger foods', I'm going to walk away and persistently remind myself of the guilt and shame I'm presently enduring. I can't promise to anyone,including myself, that this will work 110% of the time, but I can say it will help..
 
Crazybecka88 said:
Yes, I do. I only wish it were that easy...But, unfortunately its not and I've come to accept that I'm healing and I'm going to relapse.. It's just when those relapses regain their frequency that I'm in trouble. So I'm trying to put yesterday behind me and be optimistic. There's little else I can do at this point.

I'm going to spend the next three days really charting out my plan for this new eating plan. I need to be entirely organized and prepared so I don't give up out of a lack of time.

I would love nothing more than to vow to all of you that I will 'never purge again'- but anyone who has suffered from this agony knows its just not that easy... that breaking this 'vow' to yourself or to especially to others makes the process that much more difficult to come to terms with. So, instead I'm going to vow that I'm going to put my entire heart and self into this new eating plan and I'm going to start taking care of myself. WHen I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm going to just take a break and not keep pushing myself. When I feel the urge to indulge in 'forbidden trigger foods', I'm going to walk away and persistently remind myself of the guilt and shame I'm presently enduring. I can't promise to anyone,including myself, that this will work 110% of the time, but I can say it will help..
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Yes, vowing to give it 100 percent effort (outcomes, who knows) is all we can do! Success is getting up one more time than when we fall.
 
Hey you! I'm sorry to see you've had a rough couple of days... :( ((BIG HUG))
You had a lot of posts that I missed so I hope I cover it all... :)

Ok, it really really stinks that you're feeling so down lately. I know you were making such fantastic progress with your body and now that you're stuck in the same place you're feeling horrible. Everyone who has ever tried to diet knows how you feel! It's hard to lose weight and hard to change your lifestyle so as not to gain back weight that you lose. Try not to be so hard on yourself! You're doing an amazing job! To tell you the truth, I was losing at least a lb a week the month before I signed up for this site. I was down to my lowest dieting weight of 212. I thought for sure that being on this site would help give me that extra push but, as of yeserday my weight was 224.5 up three from Monday even. My stomach is bloated and I feel like a cow but I keep trying. Dieting is full of setbacks and you need only to tackle them head on. My weight gain over the past month or so is because I stopped taking laxatives. So there, now you know my little deep dark secret. I have been addicted to them for over 2 years and getting off of them was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I immediately gained weight and now my entire system is messed up. I don't go the bathroom regularely anymore because my body is dependant on a laxative. Now, I'm having to try and bring my body back to normal and it's hard. Don't you think I've wanted to just take laxatives to get over this? I'm just saying that if I can stop doing that you can stop purging! You're just hurting yourself in the end. It breaks my heart that you continue getting sucked into this vicious cycle. All that happened is your stomach felt worse the next day so next time you have the urge just think of how you feel afterwards. Maybe you can stay strong and not do it. Just keep yourself busy for 10 minutes when you have the urge and see how you feel... maybe you can talk yourself out of it. :) I want more than anything for you to be as healthy as you can be. I really hope you can figure out what is making you so bloated each and everyday because I know how uncomfortable that can be.

So please don't feel badly about falling back into old habits! It's hard to break the cycle even if you know what you're doing is bad. Just know that you CAN do it and you WILL get through this. We are all here to help you and will support you throughout your entire journey! I hope that today is treating you better and you feel amazing because that is what you are... simply AMAZING!

Talk to you later. :)
 
glittergirl said:
I have been addicted to them for over 2 years and getting off of them was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I immediately gained weight and now my entire system is messed up. I don't go the bathroom regularely anymore because my body is dependant on a laxative. Now, I'm having to try and bring my body back to normal and it's hard.
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Hey Glittergirl, I hope you are working with a doctor on this! Good for you on ending your addiction to laxatives!
 
glittergirl said:
Hey you! I'm sorry to see you've had a rough couple of days... :( ((BIG HUG))
You had a lot of posts that I missed so I hope I cover it all... :)

Ok, it really really stinks that you're feeling so down lately. I know you were making such fantastic progress with your body and now that you're stuck in the same place you're feeling horrible. Everyone who has ever tried to diet knows how you feel! It's hard to lose weight and hard to change your lifestyle so as not to gain back weight that you lose. Try not to be so hard on yourself! You're doing an amazing job! To tell you the truth, I was losing at least a lb a week the month before I signed up for this site. I was down to my lowest dieting weight of 212. I thought for sure that being on this site would help give me that extra push but, as of yeserday my weight was 224.5 up three from Monday even. My stomach is bloated and I feel like a cow but I keep trying. Dieting is full of setbacks and you need only to tackle them head on. My weight gain over the past month or so is because I stopped taking laxatives. So there, now you know my little deep dark secret. I have been addicted to them for over 2 years and getting off of them was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. I immediately gained weight and now my entire system is messed up. I don't go the bathroom regularely anymore because my body is dependant on a laxative. Now, I'm having to try and bring my body back to normal and it's hard. Don't you think I've wanted to just take laxatives to get over this? I'm just saying that if I can stop doing that you can stop purging! You're just hurting yourself in the end. It breaks my heart that you continue getting sucked into this vicious cycle. All that happened is your stomach felt worse the next day so next time you have the urge just think of how you feel afterwards. Maybe you can stay strong and not do it. Just keep yourself busy for 10 minutes when you have the urge and see how you feel... maybe you can talk yourself out of it. :) I want more than anything for you to be as healthy as you can be. I really hope you can figure out what is making you so bloated each and everyday because I know how uncomfortable that can be.

So please don't feel badly about falling back into old habits! It's hard to break the cycle even if you know what you're doing is bad. Just know that you CAN do it and you WILL get through this. We are all here to help you and will support you throughout your entire journey! I hope that today is treating you better and you feel amazing because that is what you are... simply AMAZING!

Talk to you later. :)
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Wow. yet another woman who has 'lived my life'. It's funny [funny as in ironic]- Until I came to this site i had never met anyone who abused laxatives like myself and then suddenly I know so many of you. Well, i can assure you that you are not alone in your dillema either. I've been goingto a gastroenterologist to attempt to 'fix' my stomach problems, most likely induced by my decade long abuse of laxatives. He has put me on multiple drugs, none of which have helped in the slightest. I started this healing process falsely believing I could entirely kick my decade long addiction and never relapse. I suppose I have reevaluated my thinking and realized that relapses will occur from time to time but frequency is what is key. Thanks so much for your support and courage for telling your story, Holly!

I'm hoping my usual dedication and commitment will transfer over to my eating/fitness on sunday when i begin the SBD. No sugar starts there and I just need to stop giving in to temptation. I need to focus and stop hurting my body. I'm so tired of having cravings all the time- its so discouraging. I want my control back. Actually, I just want my life back.
 
Crazybecka88 said:
I'm hoping my usual dedication and commitment will transfer over to my eating/fitness on sunday when i begin the SBD. No sugar starts there and I just need to stop giving in to temptation. I need to focus and stop hurting my body. I'm so tired of having cravings all the time- its so discouraging. I want my control back. Actually, I just want my life back.
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I do think the cravings will pass eventually once you are junk food free for a while! When I quit smoking I was an obsessive maniac, like most people quitting, for a while. Eventually the feelings of health and self-control become more appealing than the temporary highs that never satisfy.

As the saying goes, one is too many, a thousand never enough!
 
You will get your life back because you will succeed! My mother in law did the sbd and had great results. So GOOD LUCk to you with that!

To help fix my stomach problems I am going to do a colon cleanse. It was expensive but is supposed to have great results. If it works like it's supposed to I will let you know. Maybe that's what you need. Something to rid your body of toxins. I hate taking prescriptions and really wanted to find a natural way to remedy this problem. Hopefully it will work... it's a month long cleanse and I am going to start tomorrow. I will keep you posted. I just hope it can help fix some of the damage I caused to my body for taking laxatives everyday for over two years.

I agree with you how it's so strange that there are a lot of people out there with similar problems. Whenever I was in high school I became aneorexic and lost a lot of weight. I guess between killing my metabolism and a lot of other personal issues that's how my weight became out of control. I'm working on fixing that now because I never want to go back to how I was before. Blacking out and shaking all the time just isn't becoming and neither is being 328 lbs! Man, where is the happy medium so you and I can vacation there! LOL

GOOD LUCK with your dress fitting this weekend!

Be strong with your dieting you WILL succeed because you are a strong beautiful woman who deserves nothing less than to be happy!
 
That so true -its rethinking attitude towards food.. 21 days to form a habbit!! this syas me who keeps breaking the routine : S xxx
 
I just joined, but wanted to say hi. So many of us struggle with addictions but most are good at hiding them if we want. Its just sad that your stomach is so screwed up at such a young age. I can relate about the binging part, but luckily for me I'll usually go heavy on healthyish foods so the damage isn't as great. In other words, I'll allow myself to eat way more than I want or need and I know I'm out of control, but I'll control the type of food to an extent (unless skinny H's snacks are lying around). And then I'll get a few days, usually at the beginning of the work week, where I'm just sick of food so I'll cut back for a few days to even things out. I purged about 3 times almost 20 years ago in college and luckily it never took hold. Thankfully, but we all have our issues darling.
 
glittergirl said:
You will get your life back because you will succeed! My mother in law did the sbd and had great results. So GOOD LUCk to you with that!

To help fix my stomach problems I am going to do a colon cleanse. It was expensive but is supposed to have great results. If it works like it's supposed to I will let you know. Maybe that's what you need. Something to rid your body of toxins. I hate taking prescriptions and really wanted to find a natural way to remedy this problem. Hopefully it will work... it's a month long cleanse and I am going to start tomorrow. I will keep you posted. I just hope it can help fix some of the damage I caused to my body for taking laxatives everyday for over two years.

I agree with you how it's so strange that there are a lot of people out there with similar problems. Whenever I was in high school I became aneorexic and lost a lot of weight. I guess between killing my metabolism and a lot of other personal issues that's how my weight became out of control. I'm working on fixing that now because I never want to go back to how I was before. Blacking out and shaking all the time just isn't becoming and neither is being 328 lbs! Man, where is the happy medium so you and I can vacation there! LOL

GOOD LUCK with your dress fitting this weekend!

Be strong with your dieting you WILL succeed because you are a strong beautiful woman who deserves nothing less than to be happy!
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Hi Holly- thank you so much for your kind words and support- you're an incredible woman, you know:)

The dress fitting went really well, actually. I felt beautiful wearing it- an experience that I have not felt in years... Unfortunately, my mum's batteries to her camera had died so I devastatingly did not get a photo! But i'll be trying it on again next month so the photos will be delayed!

The weekend was lovely, as I had a lot of bonding time w/ my girlfriends at Cape Cod. I had today off and have managed to get a lot accomplished. Started Phase One of South Beach today and feel very positive and optimistic about the future- finally! Really exhausted so I'll write more tomorrow. Thanks again for your support ladies:)
 
Blancita said:
I just joined, but wanted to say hi. So many of us struggle with addictions but most are good at hiding them if we want. Its just sad that your stomach is so screwed up at such a young age. I can relate about the binging part, but luckily for me I'll usually go heavy on healthyish foods so the damage isn't as great. In other words, I'll allow myself to eat way more than I want or need and I know I'm out of control, but I'll control the type of food to an extent (unless skinny H's snacks are lying around). And then I'll get a few days, usually at the beginning of the work week, where I'm just sick of food so I'll cut back for a few days to even things out. I purged about 3 times almost 20 years ago in college and luckily it never took hold. Thankfully, but we all have our issues darling.
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Hi there- Welcome to the forum! I realize that we all have our issues and unfortunately, my eating disorder is just one of many in my life. And an addiction or obsession with food is commonplace in today's society. Expressing my addiction and publicly fighting it have created such a strong foundation lately. I hope this forum does the same for you- welcome:)
 
Sam_UK said:
Whats this SBD? Do you want to step things up a gear? xx
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Hiya Sam-

It's just the good old South Beach Diet. I realized in rereading the book that I pretty much live in the second phase effortlessly so I'm going to follow it in an adaptive manner- I don't want my eating to be entirely regimented but I realized that I do need some structure. How are you doing! I've missed talking to you!
 
GainingME said:
Becca, how's it going?!
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Heya love-

Apologies for being MIA- very, very long weekend. My great aunt is very ill so we stopped at her place on the way home from Cape Cod and I basically was in the car for 10 hours yesterday. Thankfully I had today off to reorganize my life:) Started the SBD today and am feeling super positive about life! Extremely chaotic week ahead of me that I'm slightly dreading but will try to just move from one priority to the next- I don't know how I get myself into these things- How was your weekend? How are you doing?
 
Crazybecka88 said:
Heya love-

Apologies for being MIA- very, very long weekend. My great aunt is very ill so we stopped at her place on the way home from Cape Cod and I basically was in the car for 10 hours yesterday. Thankfully I had today off to reorganize my life:) Started the SBD today and am feeling super positive about life! Extremely chaotic week ahead of me that I'm slightly dreading but will try to just move from one priority to the next- I don't know how I get myself into these things- How was your weekend? How are you doing?
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Welcome back!

I've been faithful! I even didn't use ketchup with my 99 percent fat free turkey burgers! Instead, I used chopped tomatoes.

What is hard but worthwhile is that I've been stuffing some feelings down (about friends, family, etc.) all these years, and they are surfacing now, but I am not bleeding my strength with sugar so I'm ready for dealing with them.
 
Sorry to hear about your great-aunt Becka.

This is probably a stupid question reflecting my lack of understanding of this issue. I was wondering if your method to avoid purging is to focus on not overeating so that you wont purge or is the focus more on not purging -- no matter what you've eaten?
 
Blancita said:
Sorry to hear about your great-aunt Becka.

This is probably a stupid question reflecting my lack of understanding of this issue. I was wondering if your method to avoid purging is to focus on not overeating so that you wont purge or is the focus more on not purging -- no matter what you've eaten?
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No question is a stupid question. i've been going to therapy since November to battle this so I'm not attempting to do it 'entirely on my own'. It's been part of me and my life since I was 16 so I'm well aware that I could utilize the external assistance. I'm not a full blown bulimic in that if I don't overeat, I won't EVER purge. It's a binge/purge cycle that is my problem. If I eat sweets or what I have come to recognize as my 'trigger foods', I purge. But I have never purged on healthy foods or very small portions of unheathy foods. Thankfully, it never reached that point. That's not to say that I don't have a serious problem, of course.

I've found that I need to avoid my trigger foods 110%. No ifs ands or buts- I can't just have a small sliver of them, as my brain sets off this immediate reaction to binge. So I'm slowly learning how to avoid bingeing, which, in turn, eradicates any potential purging.

Onto happier matters..sun is shining today! But I have loads of work to do- have a great day!
 
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