Emma's Diary

G

gossipgirlfan

New member
Hi,

This is actually an old account of mine that I found and I'm truly disturbed by the old posts I wrote and all the nonsense I was thinking at that stage. I don't know if I am much better now, but I feel like I am more realistic about what I can achieve and what's acceptable.

I've finally decided that I cannot do this alone, so I'm starting a 6 week fitness and diet program on Friday with this new gym in town. They give you a meal plan, and you have to sign up for 3-4 classes with them a week - things like boxercise, spinning, weights, etc. I am really excited about it and dreading it at the same time. But I'm 27 years old now, and things haven't improved, and I really, really need that support network. This will be the first step. If I still feel shitty in 6 weeks, I will also talk to someone. But this is a positive start.

I don't even think it's about weight anymore, it's about not punishing myself constantly for not living up to my extremely high expectations about what my life should be. I'm sick of being sad about it. I feel like an old woman already, that it's too late, and it's so stupid and pointless, cos in another few years I could be back on this forum and wailing that I was so young, why did I give up so easily?!

Anyway, I'm mainly going to use this diary to talk about the new program, how I'm getting on, how I feel, and all that. I really want there to be a shift. I'm ready for a new life and a new framework. A new beginning.
 
I feel ill, so probably won't go into work the next few days. Today, a guy blew his nose and threw his tissue into the place for the empty coffee packets and spoons instead of the bin right next to me, and I knew it was all over.

I'm really down at the moment, seem to be disconnected from people that used to keep me going.
 
Welcome back! I think it's great that you've come back and are making a second attempt. It's really easy to beat yourself up for a failed attempt (I've sure done it in the past), but you have to remember that it's not an easy issue and a lot of people who have any kind of success have tried a million times before. As long as you keep trying, that's the important thing.
 
Hi guys, thanks for the replies. I feel a lot better psychologically today. I went for a walk and the storms had destroyed the path so I was clambering over rocks and things, it was really fun. I am psyched for my class tomorrow, I just feel it's going to change my life. I told my friend James about it, and he said he thinks I'm going to go mad for it. I hope he's right! I'm ready to move forward.
 
Glad to hear you are feeling better :) Hope the class goes well tomorrow! Always great having something new and exciting to look forward to.
 
Thanks hon. I think so. One of the girls who did this program had the most amazing transformation ever. She started as a size 16/18 (like me) and slimmed down to a size 8. I like seeing the proof that it works. The leaders text you during the week as well to see how things are going.

I don't think I would like to get too thin, I don't think it's possible cos I have a large frame, but I am dreaming about just fitting into all of my size 14 clothes again. I always thought size 14 meant I was really fat, but I was a healthy weight, and I looked fine. Sigh.
 
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Scales, measurements, and clothing sizes are different for everyone. You may look great with a certain weight and measurements fitting into a size 14 and you could feel great too, while someone else could look much larger and unhealthy with the same details. Body frame I think has a lot to do with it, don't focus on the size 14 but on the fact you you felt good at that weight :)
 
Yeah, that's true. I'm going to get an early night tonight. Very sleepy and lethargic today. Got a takeaway earlier - blah.
 
It's D-Day! I'm in a panic! I am dreading the weigh-in, and getting measured, and filling out the stupid questionnaire of everything I've been doing wrong the last 10 years. Mostly, I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that it has got to this stage.

I'm about 2 stone overweight, which I guess isn't so bad, but I don't understand why I have this particular weakness. Why am I letting food control my life? I guess now that the day is here that I have to make changes, that I've signed on and paid money and got outside help to make changes, all of the feelings that I've been drowning in wine and chocolate are bubbling up to the surface. I'm scared.
 
Don't panic or be embarrassed! Be excited. You made the decision to change your life and today is day 1. It's a happy day. :]
 
It's true, look on the positive and look forward, not backwards. You've made bad decision, you have let it get to a point you shouldn't have, but now you are making good changes and not allowing it to get worse. Writing out everything you have done wrong over the last 10 years is a way to start fresh and put the mistakes behind you. Use it as fuel to not do those same things again and to make positive changes from here :) Good luck!!
 
Haha, I would be crying for the week if I wrote out all my past mistakes!

Well, the good news is I went to the class. The bad news is my body fat is 45%. Even the girl weighing me looked shocked. Jesus Christ! My own scales at home said it was 35%, so it was just... not what I expected. I weighed in at 14 stone 5 pounds, officially my highest weight ever, but that at least was in the ballpark of what I thought it was, and isn't as shocking. Thank God my waist measurement was 38, which I know isn't good, but at least it's under 40 and only 6 inches away from 32.

The program seems good, but a lot of exercise is expected. I think the 45% will propel me forwards though. I think I really left it to the midnight hour to do something about this. Anyway, day 1 tomorrow, no coffee/alcohol/rubbish for 6 weeks, willpower come to me!!!
 
Day 1 is here! Agh! I hope I can do it.

I'm starting the day with hot water and lemon followed by carrot and apple juice. Walk planned for 3 o'clock.
 
I've just woken up in the middle of the night after what can only be described as a fever dream about stuffing my face with bread and chocolate. The diet plan is so restrictive. I am hungry. I didn't realise the program is slightly insane but I want to do it.
 
I lost my way a bit last night. The program is fairly extreme, and I felt like my body was eating itself, so I had two slices of spelt bread with almond butter. Then I went to the shop and bought chocolate. Le sigh.

I feel under intense pressure to do everything 'perfect', and I know that's ridiculous. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. So I am going to try to not be too hard on myself. Breakfast this morning was meant to be a juice, but I had muesli and blueberries instead, because my body just cannot survive in its current incarnation with extremely limited carbs.

I want to be able to give my all in the training sessions, and I won't be able to do that if I'm starving all the time.

Also, I had a nice surprise in work today - there's a chance I might get to go to London and Germany for two weeks right at the end of the program, so there's this huge treat waiting for me at the end of it, and it might help to keep me focused.

I think I'm going to follow the plan as much as possible, but if I need to eat a little extra so I don't feel like I'm in danger of passing out, I will. The exercise side should be fine, once I get into a routine, I really enjoy it.
 
Man, I tend to avoid really extreme diets like that. Of course, I have PCOS and display some symptoms similar to hypo-glycemia so I pretty much have to eat reasonably meals at regular intervals or I crash pretty hard. I think it's a good idea to eat a bit more if you feel in danger of passing out. If you're exercising a lot, you need the fuel.

I hope you get to go to London and Germany!
 
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