Emily on a Mission

Went out for some drinks with friends last night. We didn't go too mad but I was still up till 3am. :(

There's a spin class on at 12 that I am contemplating going to. It's only 30 minutes so it's relatively painless and then I can do a bit of shopping afterwards.

Made the chilli for dinner last night - chilli is just so yummy. Especially washed down with a glass of red. ;)

Doing a road race next weekend so I'm changing my routine around a bit this week and going for a few runs instead. Hopefully weather stays dry for me.

Ok, better get some breakfast into me. Porridge and 1 slice of toast is the plan. Will make some chilli for dinner again.
 
The mission is failing. :( Had porridge for breakfast, fish and quinoa for lunch, but supplemented these healthy dishes with 3 mini muffins, a cookie and a small slice of tiramisu. Access to sugary shit is a disaster for me! Oh, I forgot about the latte and caramel slice I bought on my way home from work. Now I'm contemplating going out for a burger. Wah!

Really tired today and that is why I am reaching for the shit food. No matter what, I am going to be in that bed tonight at 9 o'clock, burger or no burger!

Having a really down day today, just hate everyone. Every time someone comes over to my desk at work to ask me something, the guy who sits next to me feels the need to get involved in my conversation. Like, doesn't even let me respond to the request before he butts in. Nearly lost the plot with him today but managed to control the anger.

Anyway, that's the update for now.
 
I find that I do significantly worse on both exercise and eating well if I go out drinking. Hangovers make me lazy and sluggish and reluctant to do things. The best solution, as unpleasant as it is, is to give up the night out drinking.

Do you have any other hobbies or activities that you could start scheduling for Friday and Saturday nights so you're not tempted to go out on the town? That's what I've started to do, and it worked this weekend at least.
 
You're completely right Baboon. The weekend approaching, there is no reason for me to go boozing at all, but then Friday rolls around and I feel like I deserve a drink. I feel I need to be strong enough to not need to fill my every moment so that I don't stuff myself with food or drink.

Today hasn't been good foodwise. I'm not even going to get into it. But I'm definitely getting in some gymtime tomorrow. I need it.

The day went really well but the evening has soured a little bit. The rain isn't helping.
 
EmilyB said:
The mission is failing. :(
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Allow me to speak from experience...

As long as you continue to keep yourself an active member on this forum you are NOT failing. In no way, shape or form are you failing right now.

Nobody is perfect. We all have shitty days. We all have shitty nights. Weeks. Months. Years. But, NONE of us are failures. We are all here for one reason - to get healthier. And, as long as we keep working together to achieve that goal, we can never be considered failures.

I started my weight loss journey years ago but I'm still not where I want to be. I've had my ups and downs, but I'm not a failure. Neither are you.

You can do this. One shitty day is one shitty day. Keep it that way. You have the tomorrow, you have the next day. You have the next month, year, decade, etc...you have your whole life. One shitty day is just one shitty day, not a lifelong failure. You are not failing - you are fighting. And, you should be proud of that. All of us are.
 
EmilyB said:
The mission is failing. :( Had porridge for breakfast, fish and quinoa for lunch, but supplemented these healthy dishes with 3 mini muffins, a cookie and a small slice of tiramisu. Access to sugary shit is a disaster for me! Oh, I forgot about the latte and caramel slice I bought on my way home from work. Now I'm contemplating going out for a burger. Wah!

Really tired today and that is why I am reaching for the shit food. No matter what, I am going to be in that bed tonight at 9 o'clock, burger or no burger!

Having a really down day today, just hate everyone. Every time someone comes over to my desk at work to ask me something, the guy who sits next to me feels the need to get involved in my conversation. Like, doesn't even let me respond to the request before he butts in. Nearly lost the plot with him today but managed to control the anger.

Anyway, that's the update for now.
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HOLY!!! This was my previous desk neighbor. He would always butt in and it was so annoying! Doesn't matter if it was personal matters or work related. He would gain the attention of whoever was talking to me and it was so rude.
 
Hi guys. Thanks for the messages of support. I took a little sabbatical from the mission but I am feeling good again and like I can get back on track.

I feel like everything in my life is so good right now. Work is going really well, I have lovely friends, nice housemates, getting on well with my parents. I'm running out of excuses to not get my ass in gear. And yet I am resisting that burning desire to change every.step.of.the.way.

Like, today I had an okish breakfast (a cereal mix, I feel there's just too much sugar in them, but not a disaster), healthy chicken and quinoa salad for lunch, which I just find so satisfying now, but then ate roasted and salted cashew nuts and a 100g bar of chocolate for my dinner. So I have a full, uncomfortable feeling all evening, and would have felt so much better just eating dinner like a normal person!

But, look, on the bright side, I haven't suddenly put all the weight back on. I mean, I'm plump, but my body is perfectly fine. I look good enough. But enough is not what I want. I just know if I could stop the binge attacks, my weight would drop easily and I would be on fire.

I really want a relationship but while I have these food and body issues, I won't allow it to happen. I just can't start going to restaurants, ordering takeaways, having casual drinks, all the stuff that goes along with dating while I feel like this. The whole thing will be an ordeal. And I know I won't have the space I need to get over this thing for good.

People say once you have an eating disorder, you'll always have one, BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! At one point, I hated anyone seeing me eating anything unhealthy, I still don't love it, but I'm so much better. I'm so much better but there's still a problem there!! I want to be free. I really do.
 
EmilyB said:
Hi guys. Thanks for the messages of support. I took a little sabbatical from the mission but I am feeling good again and like I can get back on track.

I feel like everything in my life is so good right now. Work is going really well, I have lovely friends, nice housemates, getting on well with my parents. I'm running out of excuses to not get my ass in gear. And yet I am resisting that burning desire to change every.step.of.the.way.

Like, today I had an okish breakfast (a cereal mix, I feel there's just too much sugar in them, but not a disaster), healthy chicken and quinoa salad for lunch, which I just find so satisfying now, but then ate roasted and salted cashew nuts and a 100g bar of chocolate for my dinner. So I have a full, uncomfortable feeling all evening, and would have felt so much better just eating dinner like a normal person!

But, look, on the bright side, I haven't suddenly put all the weight back on. I mean, I'm plump, but my body is perfectly fine. I look good enough. But enough is not what I want. I just know if I could stop the binge attacks, my weight would drop easily and I would be on fire.

I really want a relationship but while I have these food and body issues, I won't allow it to happen. I just can't start going to restaurants, ordering takeaways, having casual drinks, all the stuff that goes along with dating while I feel like this. The whole thing will be an ordeal. And I know I won't have the space I need to get over this thing for good.

People say once you have an eating disorder, you'll always have one, BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! At one point, I hated anyone seeing me eating anything unhealthy, I still don't love it, but I'm so much better. I'm so much better but there's still a problem there!! I want to be free. I really do.
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I don't really know what to say to this. I mean, on one hand I want to tell you that it would be smart to postpone any relationship until your health can afford the setbacks involved with going out on dates - your health should come first and I think it would be smart to get your physical health under control before you ventured off and started a personal relationship. On the other hand, a relationship can work wonders when it comes to getting healthy. A partner can offer love, support and encouragement. They can even join in your adventure right along with you.

So, I can see the pros and cons. I think you just have to ultimately decide what you want more - a healthy body or a relationship?
 
EmilyB said:
I really want a relationship but while I have these food and body issues, I won't allow it to happen. I just can't start going to restaurants, ordering takeaways, having casual drinks, all the stuff that goes along with dating while I feel like this. The whole thing will be an ordeal. And I know I won't have the space I need to get over this thing for good.
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Omg, relationship weight is no joke. I put on 15 pounds in 3 years -- 5 pounds a year isn't much but it adds up over time. It was much easier for me to lose weight when I was single but I'm lucky because he completely understands and supports my decision. I'm going to start compromising with a Saturday cheat meal.
 
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Ha, well, it's not like people are pounding down my door with offers, so I think I can put the relationship question to bed for a while.

Today was pretty good foodwise. I had porridge for breakfast. I had a caramel latte - not so good. Had chicken and quinoa salad for lunch. Almonds and a banana. A cookie and a Jaffa cake. I cooked fish chilli when I got home. Absolutely yum.

It's 19:44 now, I have nothing planned for the evening and wondering how to fill that time. Very bored with my evenings lately. I'm getting to work too late to go to an exercise class so it's annoying. My friends are antisocial during the week. It's a disaster. I need to buy a few new books to read I guess but reading is not very appealing after staring at a screen all day. I have lost all interest in TV. Hmm. Something to think about I guess.
 
I don't believe that once you have an eating disorder you will always have one. I think one can be completely recovered. It just takes a lot of work. Retraining the brain and creating new neural pathways. Do you like science? This is a cool book about the brain (and it can be applied to all sorts of life stuff): The Brain That Changes Itself
 
Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I am going to buy it this weekend. I love everything! Science, maths, even though I'm not particularly good at them, I understand enough to get a kick out of it.

Had a great night out with some work peeps. Food was ok. Drink was bad.

To be honest, I want to science my brain out of the good and bad division. It's good for you to take a break and get drunk with people and be honest every so often. And have a fucking laugh!

I had a gym class earlier and I actually have abs my friend! Not as well defined as I'd like, but they are there! Some random man tonight told me I was really pretty and that was cool. I just want to own those compliments, instead of feeling like they're a fluke.

Anyway. Weekend is a write-off. Monday, Monday, so good to me.
 
Weekend continues to be a write-off.

I'm getting a mani-pedi tomorrow, first one in my life, very excited. According to Legally Blonde, it cures all ills.

Kind of feeling excited about life again. I am writing a short story, the deadline is Monday, might finish it now and do the edits over the weekend.

Do you ever have crazy dreams about people out of nowhere and all of a sudden they feature heavily in your waking life? Hmm.

Anyway. No exercise today. Scone for breakfast. Roast for lunch, which was lovely. Toastie for dinner. I can see the flab gaining ground. Bad flab.
 
Well, at least you are feeling excited about life and writing a story. And getting a mani-pedi, of course, will just intensify this high on life.

Have a fun weekend.
 
Thanks DR.

The weekend is panning out as predicted. Feeling a bit bloated but wore a pretty dress out tonight and my waistline is still more or less under control. Shook my booty on the dance floor but at the same time drank copious amounts of alcohol.

In conclusion: Nights out with friends are good for the soul but not for the body. I am so dehydrated. Last week, I had Tuesday and Wednesday of epic nights' sleep, and on Thursday, my skin was so replenished. But then I went boozing Thursday, Friday, tonight, and my eyes are sunken in, forehead wrinkles are thriving, and I feel physically exhausted. I hate it. I hate this feeling.
 
Back on track today! Went to the gym after work, I feel amazing after it. Like, I feel tired, but that good, healthy kind of tired where your muscles have been used and are happy with you and your endorphin levels are back in balance and you just feel great. Plan to go again tomorrow evening.

Food is ok at the moment, still struggling with sugar. But it's a new month tomorrow, so a fresh start once again.

Got a dress for a party at the weekend, bought it in a 14, which I am borderline, but thank God it fits and actually looks pretty cool. Phew.
 
EmilyB said:
Got a dress for a party at the weekend, bought it in a 14, which I am borderline, but thank God it fits and actually looks pretty cool. Phew.
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Nice! Well done!
I feel really good after a game of golf. Tired in a healthy way is great.
 
Hit the gym again today. Planned to do 2 classes but could only muster up the energy for one. I figure sleep is just as important so now I'm home early and will be in bed before 10.

Had a pretty good day in work. Not much else going on really.

I definitely feel like I've put on some weight so going to have to get diligent with my diet again. A man in work has been trying to lose weight since around Christmas and already lost 20 pounds. What the hell?! If I lost 20 pounds, I would look flipping amazing. It seems so easy for men.
 
Other people losing weight is a great motivation. Any update from the last few days? Hope you're doing well and if not, hope you're back on track soon!
 
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