Elizab3th's Diary : 'Running Away From Fat'

Good morning, m'dear. I've decided it's a good morning, and so now everyone has to agree, I'm the princess, right? So please smile today, sincerely, and just for me (and you) because if you have a friend (and you do - lots of us!) then you always have something to smile about. Also, I have 3 dogs and that's at least 3 things to smile about. I had to get my dogs kennels for when I go to work because they eat the couch if they're left alone for more than 20 minutes (literally EAT the couch, as in chew, swallow & poop out). So I know what you mean, but you can train them to tolerate, ignore, even enjoy this by going out for a short time, then slightly longer & longer until they understand that no matter how long you leave for, you're coming back. There's a good dog training book that I bought in case you're interested, it's Kathy Santo's Dog Sense. Don't subscribe to the newsletter though, it's $15 and it's pretty much all covered in the book. I'll send you my copies of the newsletters if you want, I'm mad at her newsletter service for completely blowing off my totally relevant questions.

Oops, I did it again, I rambled in your diary. Sorry, but also... cheers!
 
Ok Get Out Of That Bed Today You Can And Will Do This Do Not Give Up Now!!! Dont Make Me Come Hunt You I Am Afraid Of All Them Animals Up There Lol
 
NothinToLose said:
why can't you live your puppies at home while you go to work?
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I know I have to leave them at home, it's just the fact that we live in a very bad neighborhood and not only do the crackheads around here make so much noise, the kids from the school across the street skateboard every damn day and they drive the dogs nuts. One of them isn't mine - she's a cockapoo and was raised very poorly by Sean's brother, to the point where she bites if you pick her up! I can't say much that's his dog, we've tried so hard to get him to stop treating her the way he does and she's quite vicious and likes to start fights with my Homer. Homer is a lot more calm. And when Sean and I move out of this hell-hole he will be happy confined to a small room but for now it's too late to start... if Maggie gets to run free because Sean's brother is irresponsible then how does Homer feel sitting behind a doggy gate? So I watch them for now. We've already gotten complaints because our apartment is right next to the door of this place and you can hear everything. It's just too hard.. plus - the last time I left them for 8 hours they drank all the water to the point where it was bone-dry and I just felt terrible.
NothinToLose said:
I know people like that are rare, but you CAN find them. I did.
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You know, I thought I did find him.
Paulab_5 said:
I second that. A lot of people think that admitting to depression is like admitting weakness but I couldn't disagree more.
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I know it doesn't make me weak, but as stupid as it sounds - it makes me wrong. I'm an extremely stubborn person and I fight with myself everyday and I think I'm getting better, and about a week ago I was ready to get some help but then my mom suggests it and - everything goes out the window. It's like it's out of spite or something. And I can't help feeling this way - I don't want to feel this way... I do things without thinking just because I can't control my feelings.
And I guess I just answered my own question on whether I need it or not.
But God the last thing I want to do is gain weight again.. and that's another thing holding me back, I know it's not a practical reason but if I go backwards it will just plunge me deeper.
Paulab_5 said:
He was an amazing person with so much to offer and so much to live for, but he couldn't see past the rain.
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I feel like that's me. I don't think I could ever go so far to off myself, but for other reasons... my family, my pup, my boyfriend. It's mainly them I wouldn't want to go through that pain of losing me. But then I think they'd get over it. Either way... any suicidal thought in my head has just been that - a thought. But I guess who knows when I'll go through another 'spell' and think otherwise..... But I think that that's me. I know I could have so much potential but, it's hard. I'm still working on high school because of the stupid mistakes I made a couple years ago and I feel like I'm too behind. My homeschooling place gets pissed off because I don't do my work fast enough but - I can't concentrate. I look at the page and the words and I could read it top to bottom 3 times and still not remember what it said. And it's grade 11 crap! I'm 18 - I'm a smart person.. why the hell am I stuck with this crap? Why is this work so hard for me? I did it two years ago and did awesome (other than the fact that I was kicked out for skipping classes.) I want to be a nurse. I want to work on THAT. I'm got so much to do before I even get to touch that stuff though that I feel it's tooo far away. I don't see it happening. I don't see myself wearing the uniform and doing the IVs and that... but I want to. And you'd look at my life and go - what could possibly be wrong? But there's lots. I can't even explain it.
B A Rabbit said:
If you could start fresh in the morning with a brand new life that only you controled, Not THEM what would you do different than today?
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I wouldn't be in this situation. And I'd get to sleep in. Do you know he expects me to wake up when he does like I'm a stay-at-home mom or something and then go back to bed all nice and happy after he leaves. Okay, that would work if I was staying-at-home with kids but I had to work today. Well had to. I can't - I can't go o work right now and pretend to be happy.
So I guess I should do something about this soon because it's running my life.
If I had control.. I don't. I have no control I have no car or no job and I depend on everyone else.
missprincess said:
Also, I have 3 dogs and that's at least 3 things to smile about.
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My dogs.. my dogs.. I just love them to death and they've already gone through one couch. We will be getting Homer a big cage so he can go to work with Sean and sit outside - they do siding. But we're so racked for cash right now that we just can't do much for them unfortunately. It'll only be a couple more weeks until some money starts to come in but still it's been like this for so long and I just hate this situation. Oh but my dogs are a heaven sent. They rock my world and I love them to bits. I spoil them too much.. me and my mom.. she calls them her granddogs. And you are the princess so I guess this is a good morning.. or afternoon - I slept in.

But I am the Queen. :) Queen Elizbeth. Thanks Everyone who wrote to me. I really want to help myself now that I take a look at it - this is running my life. It makes me do things I wouldn't normally do. I need to suck it up and just go get help but God...

ANd OMG RedNeckWoman and Beagle.. I'm so sorry - my sound was off and I was writing this post.. come back if you're still around.. :)
Okay.. I think that's a lot of writing for now...
 
hey elizabeth,
glad to see that you are back....first of all, you have a lot of people here helping you and giving you sound non-judgemental advice. i know how it is to feel stuck in a situation, to feel lost, to feel depressed and to feel like you can't do anything. i am a depressed person. i take medicine and go to therapy. i actually need a very high dose of zoloft to make it as a 'normal' (or somewhat) person ;). BUT, i am so much happier.

my grandfather was a miserable person. yelling at everyone, just miserable....well, he found out at 70 yrs old (b/c they didnt have the meds then) that he was severely depressed and that was why and we always wonder htat if only he could have had some years of happiness with some meds then how happy everyone would be but most importantly himself...

i know it is hard to succumb to the fact of possibly needing medication and i am probably one of the most impatient and stubborn people out there, but sometimes you just have to step up and say, i'm not perfect, i'm not going to try to be perfect, i am going to live my life, live my day, enjoy what i have, work through my consequences, my uneasiness, my unconfortableness at home(if you cant find a differnt solution right now) and focus on getting through school so you CAN be a nurse and you can achieve your goals....

depression got me down so that i wasnt motivated anymore. you dont want that to happen. it is a hard funk to get out of....AND suicidal thoughts, even though they are thoughts, are SERIOUS business, and i think you know (which is the hardest part to admit) that you need to go talk to somebody (non-related) and vent and scream and holler and figure out if you need some meds or whatever is right for YOU. Care for yourself. You only live once and you shoud live a long prosperous wonderful life. You have the world at your fingertips, you just need a little non-family guidance is my 2 cents...as that is what helped me a while back....

good luck & we are here for you. remember that. i HIGHLY recommend a doctor visit and to concentrate on putting yourself FIRST in the priority list. It is not easy. But, don't quit. You sound like you are an amazing person and with some guidance, you will be the Queen Elizabeth that YOU admire...and that is what counts.
 
Elizabeth, all I am gonna say is, if you need to, PM me. There has been lots of advice given and i second every single word so there is no sense in saying it over if you've heard it already. I sincerely hope you are able to find your way out and won't be afraid to talk to someone that can truly help. Depression is a serious problem and suicidal thoughts ( even if they are JUST THOUGHTS) make it that much more so. Don't quit! You can kick, scream, spit, and holler but don't quit! We are all here for you any time you need us. PM's take only a second if you need one of us as soon as we "arrive" to talk, to help, to get advice, or anything else. DON'T give up!
 
To be honest, I'm kinda bad with words of encouragement, but I hafta say, as cheesy as it sounds, your uber long post says a lot for how your trying to work through it... and everyones right, we're all here for you! I think your an amazing person who has encouraged me a lot in the past, and without you, the forum wouldn't be the same :)

as for nursing- I would loooove to get into that to, but I hate hate hate studying, lol... I'm almost 24 and have taken about ohhh, six semesters off of school, lol. I go for a sem., then take two off, yeah, seems a bit backwards, but I'll finish one day, and thats all that counts :D
 
Elizabeth, I'm glad that you're back and thinking this through. Please take care of yourself. Depression can mess with your head, and it may be the reason why you cannot concentrate on studying at all! The way I see it is there is nothing wrong with helping yourself out and doing whatever it takes to succeed, and if that means helping your brain with balancing emotions, then so be it! The main thing is that believe that you have the control and the power to make positive changes in your life! You cannot control acts of God, or other people's choices/thoughts/actions, but you CAN control how you react to adversities. You can do something about them, find a way out, turn lemons into lemonade! Be resorceful! Don't give up, but instead look at it like a puzzle, look from different angles at the problem.

For example: Ask you BF to make a containment for dogs. If he is handy, its a piece of cake, and may be cheaper then buying. Plus, when you go to work, I bet the day of work will pay off the cost of dog crate. Also, don't worry about them too much. If they fight, they will work it out, if they drink too much they will learn to drink less as they get used to you leaving/coming. I think that working in a salon with do wonders for your soul - you'll get out of the house, will be meeting TONS of new people, and it will distract you from bad stuff, PLUS, will give you extra cash that you need so much. Working has also ALWAYS helped my self-esteem, because it makes me feel needed, professional, like I'm able to help people and contribute to society. Its a great feeling of pride. You may meet some people who may offer you a better job later, and you'll get a car and will be able to move to a better place.

Sorry for the long post, I should stop with advise now. I just want you to see that there is a way out of any situation, and you CAN take control of your life. The scenario above may or may not fit with who you are, but
the point is that you can make adjustments in your life to make things better for you.

I really wish the best for you, and things will turn out ok, I just know it! :)
 
Liiiiiiz! *poke* I see you online! I can't stay online right now cuz I gotta get to bed, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Let me know if/when you get a new phone so I can give you my number :)
 
BIIIIG *sigh* of relief...

I want everyone to know.. I'm okay. Sean and I had a long talk (well after the shouting died down....) and he ended up crying and spilling all these things that I never would have thought he feels and - it just put a lot into perspective. I have been hard to live with but I used to think that he didn't care and he just (you know) went to work and sluffed it off. But he doesn't, and he's probably just as depressed about the situation we're in as I am. And yeah it shouldn't make me feel better, but it does. I'm not alone - and now him and I are in this together. And I really want to push myself to be happy not only for my sake but his also. I haven't realized the whole time I'm trying to get attention from him I'm been pushing him to 'snap' also.
I think that I still will pick up a light antidepressant if my doctor OKs it.. or maybe just St.John's wort like RedNeckWoman said.. but only to have on hand in case I wake up in a funk.
I feel like a load is off though. We both just cried and I feel like a big sigh of relief because.. we both know this doesn't have to control our life, especially because this situation will change. I just have to give it time. I think I can be myself again.
Hey does nobody notice that those deli sandwiches from mcdonalds are worse than the burgers? Hmmm... makes you wonder what other 'healthy' things companies are trying to pon off on us.

I think I need more Lean Cuisines..
Anyways, I'm sorry I've kind of skipped everyone's journals lately but I'm ready to get back on track - starting Saturday, I wasnt to give myself a day to rest - plus I still can't put all my weight on my foot (long story) and so I think another day to relax will be best. The last couple 'days off' were not relaxing. THANK YOU EVERYBODY. From the bottom of my heart, I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have everyone's pieces of advice, I've taken them all into consideration and your caring posts have really meant a lot to me. You guys are sincere friends and many of you feel like family to me.
My new avatar? It's from last year - my skinny little face will be my motivation when I'm on here. Plus I got my ticker back - I think seeing how far I've come helps me out.. I don't think i'm going to weigh myself for a while.. maybe around the 5th.. well that's not long at all but it gives me a chance to start back up again and hopefully counteract the backwardsness I've been up to.

I'll come check everyone out again. No more long grueling posts - I promise :)
 
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I AM SO GLAD you are feeling better and you have had a talk with your BF and you know that you're on the same page! This will mean a lot!!!

Just as a warning - if you do take antidepressants - its not like advil, you cant take it only when it hurts. You have to take it for at least several month (3-6) every day, and then whean yourself off it slowly, because just stopping abruptly can screw up with your system. Your doctor will tell you exactly how it works. But it DOES help to deal with life and your emotions.

I'm happy you're back and feeling better! :)
 
I'm glad you had your talk with Sean... sometimes it feels so good to get all the feelings out in the open, doesn't it? If it makes you feel any better Josh and I have gone through situations like that, where we are both holding in feelings and then it just all comes rushing out at once. Definitely not the best way to have a relationship, but I guess its better than keeping them pent up forever :) At least now that you both know where you stand you can start working from there.
 
Hey Girlfriend Glad Talking To You Helped! I Told You He Was Stressed 2 Probably! Lets Rock Girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Jess393 said:
I love your hair to, I have crappy hair...sad...
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hee hee thanks hun - i cheated though because I just came from the hairdresser's in that pic. haha. but shhhhh.. nobody needs to know!

If you don't work or go to school do you still qualify for TGIF?
 
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