Elizab3th's Diary : 'Running Away From Fat'

I haven't exercised for so long. I am too stressed out. I'm giving up on myself for a little while. I don't have my job anymore because I can't leave the dogs that long. So I live this crappy life so that my boyfriend can enjoy his. I live in squalor. I hate this. I have no concentration for homework. I am completely depressed and miserable, I refuse to go on antidepressants and I'm tired of faking this positive attitude. I don't have any money, my phone is broken and I'm forced to pay it off until I can buy another one... I don't have money. I am gong nowhere, I don't even want to lose weight anymore. There's no point. Who am I trying to look good for? Nobody notices, he doesn't take me out anymore anyways. It's been so long since I've laughed and smiled and really meant it. Life has lost all it's sustinance to me, I've lost any will to push myself out of bed - I just want to hibernate. I just want to close my eyes and pray that they never have to open, and I never have to look at this mess again. How selfish am I.

I'm hungry but I have no energy to make anything.
I'm done dieting. I put so much effort into this and he looks at me and says.. look you can lose it 'just like that'. JUST LIKE THAT? I do not bust my ass over 'just like that'. I know this should be done for me but I dont feel any closer to happiness now than when I did 20 lbs. ago.
I'm sick and tired of feeling so hopeless all the time, but there's nothing I can do about it. He wants me to not be so negative because he's got 'other things on his mind'. I wish he could have my feelings on his mind once in a while. Is it just guys? Are they all this insensitive?

It's too much, I'm too young to feel this way. This isn't how it's supposed to work.
My puppies... the unconditional love of a dog.
I thank God for them. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I am failing... because I'm quitting. It's the only thing I'm good at.

Just ignore this post. I just had to get it out there that's all.
 
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Aw Liz I'm so sorry you're having such a crumby time! It sucks when guys don't pay attention to us or all the effort we put into trying to please them! I know it won't solve the problem, but I'm sending a big hug your way!

I really hope you can find the energy to do what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy, Liz, I mean it.
 
elizab3th said:
I just want to hibernate. I just want to close my eyes and pray that they never have to open, and I never have to look at this mess again. How selfish am I.
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Woah woah woah, where is this comin' from? Your stronger than this! AND YOU KNOW IT! In my own selfish way I hope this is just a bout of PMS comin' on. But just in case its not:

elizab3th said:
I haven't exercised for so long. I am too stressed out.
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Exercise helps with stress. Maybe if your sressed out, you need to go for nice jog, or along walk. something to clear your head and reset your feelings.

elizab3th said:
So I live this crappy life so that my boyfriend can enjoy his.
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BULL-SHITE!! You live your crappy life so YOU can enjoy it, And don't let anybody tell you otherwise! If its time to take whats not working out of the picture, Out of the picture than do so and move on! But don't sit there cryin' about it!

elizab3th said:
I just want to hibernate. I just want to close my eyes and pray that they never have to open, and I never have to look at this mess again. How selfish am I
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Very selfish! Very selfish indeed. Life is a game....

Christ, I don't have the time for this right now, My Wife just got her car repossesed And Her and I have to go and take care of it. I have a 9 minute ride with three puppies sitting on lap to look forward to, And I know she's not going to find her way out of this, But I HVE to support her. Hang on, I'll write more latter.

I am very mad at you for dumping like this. DON'T GIVE UP! I''d never forgive you!!!! As the first person to welcome me here, You'll always be special to me And I'll be so alone if you leave. So stick around willya?
 
I second BA RABBIT! We're not giving up on you so don't you give up on you! NO WAY! WON'T ALLOW IT! I'm IM-ing you now!
 
I think you need to re-read your OWN post and see who is really sabotaging your efforts here. I don't mean to be cruel, but this really came off to me like a screaming pity party. There is a saying and not to go religious on you, but "God only helps those who help themselves". Its the only way I can think of to get the point acrossed to you.
 
I haven't posted here before, but after reading your last entry, I have to say something. I hope you don't feel this is out of line. If so, I apologize!

I know exactly how you feel. I went through a bout of depression 3 years ago. I never wanted to wake up either. I just stayed in bed becasue that's the only place I felt I wasn't being judged and in the way. I also refused to take medication for my depression. It wasn't until I was forced to go on a trip (it was actually a course I needed to take to graduate) that I really started to face what I had let myself become. Three days of traveling in a car with nothing but your thoughts can do that to you! What I started to realize is that I can't rely on other people to make me happy. Until you make yourself happy, you're always going to feel this way. I'm not sure what that means for you, but you need to get rid of the negative energy in your life. For me, it was my own toxic self image and a boy who made me feel like I would never be good enough.

The point is that you deserve to be happy and if that means you need to be completely selfish, then that's what you need to do. You're exactly right, you are way too young to be dealing with these feelings. I hope I don't offend you by saying this, but it sounds like your boyfriend is so self absorbed that he's not thinking about you and your feelings at all. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or can't go back to the way he used to treat you. It just means that maybe you need to start doing things for you instead of for him. I promise he'll take notice of that and maybe start taking an interest in your happiness again.

You have come so far and have been such an incredible friend and supporter to so many people on here that no one is going to let you give up. Do this for you. Do this because it'll make YOU happy. You're worth it! This may not mean much, but you can talk to me anytime you want. I hope you start to feel better. I know you can!
 
Unfortunately this is not PMS. My life is so complicated and there are so many things that I've held inside my whole life - they haunt me when I sleep. I am incredibly depressed, that's the real story. I have gone day by day pretending that I enjoy this life and they way I'm living - I'm not living for me.. I wish I were. I've given up a great job because I have puppies to look after at home and as much as I love them to death I wish that my boyfriend could help by taking a day off here and there. I'm 18 - I shouldn't have to be a stay-at-home 'mom'. As for the exercise, I know it helps with depression... I find I feel a lot better after a good workout. When things get this bad though, I get sick - I make myself sick. I cry so much sometimes that I can barely breath. Then the dogs get all excited because I'm making high-pitched noises... haha. But it's not so easy to pick your butt up off the chair when you feel like you're in a 'hole'. My childhood was a nightmare because I had no friends. Children can be so damn cruel and do you know why? - Because I was short.. the runt. Then in Junior High, I was the first one with boobs. It was an all-girls school and they don't take nicely to early bloomers. It's taking it's toll on me now, because I'm so self-conscious it eats me up inside. I'm not myself. Don't think this just popped up out of nowhere. I've been holding it down for so long.. and while my boyfriend isn't an asswhole.. he's just a guy. And I've learned that guy's will never notice the little things that girls do. I know I can't rely on anybody else to make me happy - happiness comes from within and only I can make/break my mood. But when I say I live in squalor I mean it. This house is so dirty and it's not my place, they ditch me here all day long expecting me to watch the dogs and clean up after they walk around the house with their work boots on and it's so overwhelming. I don't smoke but I'm forced to take it in hour after hour. And clean up their butts because they put out their smokes on the desk and on the coffee tabe and I'm the Biatch because I mention it. I know who's sabotaging my efforts - I've lost any care for myself. I try to do good and I get stepped on and pushed around and it's as if I have the worst karma in the world. I've tried so hard this past month to help myself but everyone seems to want to sabotage my efforts.. or else it's not good enough for them. And YES I'm not doing this for them but it's not easy to perform your best when everyone's booing at you. Let me have my pity party - is that not what a journal is for? Or am I supposed to hold my feelings in towards you guys too? I know what everyone's saying - it's the words I've used to help other also, but it's so hard to take your own advice. I don't know one person who hasn't said something hypocritical in their life. There's just certain circumstances that keep me in this situation. Whatever the case be - I feel like I'm a lost cause. Please don't answer this with .. negativity. It seems like everyone is. Unless I am the problem. You know what? I must be.. or else you guys wouldn't react this way. Maybe this is a screaming pity party - but what's wrong with that? Maybe I'm screaming for help.
 
I'm sorry your down hun. I have been too. But we can't stay down, we have to keep going! They say true success is falling 9 times and getting up 10.

Lets lean on each other girl! I'm here for you :D
 
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Believe me, I know where you are coming from. You can have a screaming pity party all you want to!
 
Hey, it IS your journal, and you CAN say whatever you're feeling, no matter what, without being judged. I'm holding my hand out to you, to help you up, but you've gotta want to get up. I can't tell you how to fix your life, and I won't try. You're trying to do too much I think..be everything to everyone, and it won't work, it shouldn't have to. You're worth taking care of, and we just want you to see that. Some times life sucks and we cry for what seems like eternity, and then we open our eyes and see again, that it's not the end of the world, it's just time for a change. Please don't give up on taking care of yourself. If you do this for YOU, you're the one who benefits. It sounds obvious, but thinking about your own sanity is very important. Take a deep breath, and then another. Close your eyes & decide to get rid of negativity. Don't forget, I'm still here to help if you want.
 
Hey Girl My Pc Froze Up On Me I Really Hope Your Ok! You Can Always Count On Me I Want Ya To Know That! Dont Give Up On Yourself Cause I Will Never Give Up On You I Love You Like Your My Family And I Hate Your Hurting So Bad And Dont Think It Cant Get Better Because It Can!!
 
That's my number one problem - it's so hard for me to stop and take 3 deep breaths and maybe if I did more often I wouldn't snap at people so much, that's not the kind of person I am or want to be! I always elevate stupid complications and one small thing sturns into a full day of misery.
 
Hi, girl, I am sorry you're having such a rough period in your life. Depression is a very tough thing to battle on your own. If you don't feel like you're making progress with it - go to a doc and try some mild antidepressant. It did help me A LOT! I also hate taking drugs, but sometimes taking drugs is better then leading a wreckless lifestyle, to which depression may lead. It sounds to me that besides depression you are very frustrated with your current situation, and sounds like you need some change. I have a question: why can't you live your puppies at home while you go to work? Most people that I know who have dogs leave their dogs for 8 hrs so they can go to work. You can confine them to one room where its safe if they need a constant eye. Otherwise no dog owner would be able to hold a job.

I realize that you may just need to vent, and that's fine, this is what this diary is for, but it sounds to me like you need some change in your surroundings, and I hope that you will make those changes. You have the power to take charge of your life and make it anything you want it to be.
If your close partner or friends do not treat you with uttermost respect you deserve, you should talk to them or move on. This sounds cold, I know, but all in all you deserve the most loving and supportive people around you, and if that is not what's there, it is time to look for loving and supportive people. I know people like that are rare, but you CAN find them. I did.

I also hope that you would do some soul-searching and realize that you're a beautiful, deserving person full of potential. When you make this your belief, your core, then whatever happens outside, however people treat you, will not affect you that much because you will know yourself, and you can overcome whatever life throws you.
 
elizab3th said:
... and going into the chat room by yourself an coming up with as many swear words as possible to see which ones are blocked... by the time you're through you really do feel much better..

just make sure you're alone :)
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Hehe!! A couple other members and I actually did that the other day! We were laughing our a**es off!! :D
 
NothinToLose said:
Hi, girl, I am sorry you're having such a rough period in your life. Depression is a very tough thing to battle on your own. If you don't feel like you're making progress with it - go to a doc and try some mild antidepressant. It did help me A LOT! I also hate taking drugs, but sometimes taking drugs is better then leading a wreckless lifestyle, to which depression may lead.
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I second that. A lot of people think that admitting to depression is like admitting weakness but I couldn't disagree more. I think anyone who can admit something isn't right, has a tremendous amount of strength! People go to the doctor for all kinds of physical reasons, what's so wrong with going to the doctor for emotional ones? There is such a bad stigmatism associated with depression but it doesn't mean you are crazy or weak... it means something's out of balance and you need to get it back in balance... maybe you can't do that alone. SO WHAT!?
This is going to end up being a long post but this is something that is so important to me. People don't have to feel this way!
I have two friends who, had wonderful lives. Great spouses, nice jobs, beautiful kids... but it was like, while the rest of us had sun everyday, they always had rain. People who don't understand depression would wonder how they couldn't be happy... they even wondered it themselves frequently. I convinced one of them to see a doctor and with a simple little pill every morning, she can make herself get out of bed and live and enjoy her life. She is not a zombie. She still has all the feelings and emotions the rest of us have but within reason. She doesn't have extreme highs and lows anymore... her life is balanced. Does she like to admit she needs the meds? No, but none of us do. It's something only those closest to her know about.
As for my other friend, the day he decided to put the gun to his head, he left behind a loving wife, two young kids and countless friends and family members who will have to live with the loss. He was an amazing person with so much to offer and so much to live for, but he couldn't see past the rain. I'll bet if you could ask him, he knew he had a lot to be happy for, which just made "the rain" all that more confusing. Maybe you're not "this bad" but the bottom line is, if you go through these periods of rain often, you may need to talk to someone. There is no shame in that. :)
 
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elizab3th said:
Maybe I'm screaming for help.
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And maybe I'm just trying to help.

If you could start fresh in the morning with a brand new life that only you controled, Not THEM what would you do different than today? ;)

Liz, I hope you feel better soon, It breaks my heart to this stuff. I'm sorry I didn't get to post eariler. (if you'd like to see why, you can read about it in MY journal)I'd be really interested in hearing your answer to the above question.
 
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