Wednesday December 30th = feeling like shi*
Wednesday December 30
1:01 AM
Crap, I had typed a long and meaningful paragraph, but I lost it by clicking on the wrong thing, now i dont feel like writing it over again, and instead I feel like sleeping.
well, I guess I might as well, Tired, would be the word of the day. I'm really dizzy, and I think it might be from the fumes of the cleaning products that I used while cleaning the bathroom, its so beautiful now, you can it food of the floor. But im sure that wont last for long, as seven people in the house make sure it always goes back to the discusting way it was before I cleaned it.
Ouch, actually my head really hurts, and my finger tips are dry - again, the cleaning stuff, I should of worn gloves. Although I doubt there are any in the house. Right now, my room is clean and I have a warm mug filled with green tea and a bit of hunny, welcoming me to drink it. One thing that always makes me feel better, is silence and tea. No matter how hard my life and life in general might get, as long as I get a chance to mull it over in a silent place - a comfortable place, with my always cold fingers wrapped around a round mug of steaming tea, I know things will be okay. I've been dizzy with school aswell, applying to university might be one of the hardest things I've ever done, because I dont know what im applying into. The problem is that all these years of concintrated on one particular school, and program, and now that I have to put 2 more options after the first, its become a strange thing to do. Because none offer the same program, and that would be that I would have to choose another program or settle for something less than the program - ouch this is making my head hurt even more, alright thats enough of university. One thing I want to get of my chest, well there are a million and one things that I want to get off my chest, but Ill start with this. I feel very ugly, all the time. No matter what time of day, I wake up, and start the day feeling like no one will ever want me, I feel so distraught because of it. I feel like the shortest, fattest, thing that if anyone were to look at, it would only be because they had nothing better to look at. I really don't know why I have such a self-loathing atitude, I want to say, that my mother played a role in the way I feel, she always makes me feel guilty, angry, and pathetic, insulting me, and hurting me without
-- you know what, i left for about an hour, and Ive gotten really tired,
im going to head to bed, good night