// disco's diary ;;

discolemonade

discolemonade

New member
7 Jan 08

Well it's 6:18am here. I haven't gone to bed yet. Lately with me it's been either a) I sleep all day or b) I can't sleep at night. I think it has something to do with my moving into the bedroom downstairs, and how there's no natural light down here... anywaysssssss...

I've been doing pretty good so far. But my mom went grocery shopping and brought home some of that stupid addicting junk!food for my little brother's lunches. Which by the way is stupid because every time I come home for break I swear the kid gets bigger....

I slipped and ate some cupcakes. Which just makes me feel even worse about the fact that I didn't exercise today (yesterday, whatever). Sometimes I feel like I can do this and I'm so pumped and then I mess up and I get so down on myself. People have lost over a hundred pounds... in all honesty I could lose fifty pounds and be happy, but even that number seems so out of my reach. Looking at all the before and after pictures motivates me but it also makes a small (but loud) part of me think that it's so ridiculously out of my reach.

Tomorrow, or later today, whatever you would like to call it... I definitely have to make up for the mistake I made earlier. Some intense working out is needed, and I need to stay away from the crap that's in the cupboards. It will be so much easier to stay on track when I'm back at school (17th) and I have a real gym to use rather than our gazelle and stationary bike. For now though, I have to deal with temptation all the time I'm awake. Rawr.
 
I understand about the school thing. It's much easier for me to get "on track" when I'm in school than on holiday, too. Thank goodness classes start back today! :D

Sometimes I feel like I can do this and I'm so pumped and then I mess up and I get so down on myself.
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Everybody screws up. If you read anyone's diaries on here, you'll see that even the most committed people still give into temptation from time to time. The way to make it a lifestyle change is to make slip-ups the exception instead of the rule. ;)

Congrats for starting a diary, and good luck!
 
08 January 08

Well it's 4am and I can't sleep anymore. I had a terrible, awful nightmare and now I'm wide awake and hungryyyyy. I don't think I ate enough yesterday because most of the day was spent sleeping (since I didn't fall asleep until 10am) and then I was only awake for dinner and a snack.

Today I'm supposed to meet my best friend for a loooonng walk at 'our park' which is a cute little park behind a church that next to no one knows about. We've been going there to hang out randomly since high school, and I'm excited to see her since I don't get to see her that often.

Anyways I told her about how I'm trying to lose weight and she jumped on the bandwagon, too. It's always easier, imo, to go it with someone rather than alone. Sure we go to different schools but we call each other almost every day. We're hetero lifemates... hahaha.

I really can't wait to go back to school - new semester, new beginnings. This past semester was just terrible... my brother was hurt in Iraq in September (don't worry he's doing great!), I went through something really terrible personally, I got mono, I pledged my sorority [pledging is always stressful!] and it just SUCKED! I was constantly stressed/worried/whatever and the only thing that I had to look forward to was coming home for winter break to see my brother, sis-in-law, and 2 y/o niece. But holidays with my family require large amounts of alcohol to retain sanity....

That being said I really think this semester will be better. I need to get a job, which is fine cos I don't have classes Tuesdays or Thursdays, I'm moving into a new suite with my friends, I'll be celebrating my 20th birthday and I'm going to become a gym rat! "Free" gym! Woohoo! Yay for hidden fees of tuition!

Anyhow, I'm feeling great and I put together my gym playlist on my ipod so I'm all set.
 
You have a gazelle and an exercise bike, nice... *envy*. I have to make due with only a couple workout vids I burned. I've seriously got to get some kind of home fitness equipment, and exercise bike would so awesome.

Good luck to you. :)
 
I can't do the bike. I get bored. Elliptical is my machine of choice. Gazelle isn't too bad but I feel like it doesn't do enough! Workout videos are fun, I like taebo cos I'm a dork like that ;)
 
[cont]

I did 45 min on the gazelle while watching Grey's Anatomy and the time flew by. Got all sweaty so I took a shower and then I vegged out for awhile, and it really got me thinking..

I have something really important to tell you all about. And you might think it's weird that I feel comfortable posting this for strangers to read but I find it hard to tell my family, but... let me explain.

In my first post for today I said I had gone through something personal this past semester. I don't think that says very much about what happened, and I feel like this affects me in every aspect of my life now so it's relevant to trying to lose weight and combat stress eating and maintaining a completely healthy equilibrium, mind body & spirit.

The very first day back at school I met a guy through a mutual friend. I was interested in him from the get-go, and we hung out almost exclusively for the first week or so. Most of it was just spent hanging out and watching tv, shooting the shit, playing video games, sometimes having a few drinks but nothing big... well, one night I fell asleep while he and his roomie (our mutual friend) were playing video games and eating after they had a few. I was woken up and told I could spend the night if I wanted to, which was fine with me.

Anyways... we might have ended up spooning and kissing and whatnot but I told him explicitly that nothing was going to happen. Not only did I want to get to know him a lot better before things got more serious but, it was also that TOM. He said it was fine and that he understood and we went to sleep. Or at least, I did. What it all comes down to is that I was woken up by him rolling me over and getting what he wanted from me. I probably could have done more to stop him, but he was a bigger guy and I didn't want to wake up his roomie (my friend) and go through the awkward embarrassment of it all and... I shouldn't be trying to justify anything, the fact is I said no.

I really, really really want to tell my parents. Or at least my mother. Because lately I've been really touchy and sensitive for no reason when I'm home and we argue about everything. They get that I was stressed, obviously with everything happening with my brother and then with my getting mono and trying to do well in school, but they don't really understand the extent of it. I would cringe every time I saw this guy on campus from then on. He acted like nothing had happened and would ask me how classes were going, try to bum a cigarette off of me, w/e... he even made jokes about 'having me' around people he knew I was friends with. Sometimes he'd even text message me out of the blue and ask me to come over, which frankly just made me sad and nauseous. I'm a pretty outgoing, stubborn and independent girl and I'm not afraid to call anyone out on their shit - except I was too afraid of him to ever say anything aside from, "you're a jerk" and walk away. I didn't report him. I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it, because there was always that little piece of me that thought maybe it was my fault and I didn't want to ruin someone's life. I was checked out at the health clinic and everything was fine, but I know it still affects me even when I pretend it doesn't.

I can't sleep with anyone else in the same bed anymore. My best friends usually always sleep in my bed with me when they crash at my house, or if I'm staying at a friend's apartment I'd share a bed.. I can't do it. I can't fall asleep. I try so hard, but I just... stay at this anxious level the entire time and I can't relax. Not even when I'm intoxicated. Even then I still know somehow.

I just want my family to know why I've been acting so weird. I want them to know so that they understand where I'm coming from sometimes. But I'm so afraid that they're going to say, college boys will be college boys, or, maybe you shouldn't have put yourself in that position, or something like that... which will devastate me. I'm so conflicted about it - it hurts because I want to tell them, and it hurts because I'm so afraid that they won't be supportive about it. I didn't tell them before because my brother was seriously injured in Iraq and everyone was more concerned with that. I didn't tell them when I was home for Thanksgiving because everyone was still concerned with my brother. And I couldn't tell them at the beginning of this break because it was so close to Christmas and my brother came home and... I just feel like maybe they'll think I want attention or something along the lines of that. I kind of told an older cousin without mentioning the word 'rape' (instead I told her a boy took advantage of me) and she pretty much said everyone makes mistakes, boys want sex and that I should move on and quickly changed the topic.

I'm not sure what to do. For mothers out there... would you want to know? Or... what would be the best way to tell her... we weren't close until I left for college last year, and then I started to tell her lots about my life. Ever since the incident though I haven't told her much...

Thanks and sorry for the depressing topic. It really is therapeutic for me to tell somebody, even if it's somebody I don't know.
 
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I'm so sorry that happened to you... what happened was rape... you didn't consent.. while you didn't make the wisest choice - you still didn't consent... Period... doesn't matter if you were stinking drunk giving him a lap dance... you did not consent...

Do talk to your mom... it will probably help... and it couldn't hurt... I'm sure she'd want to help - you don't have to name names but she'd want to share your pain -and it would probablt help you move on from it...


I would also consider getting tested for STDs as well - that boy clearly has no respect for other people so protecting himself or others would be the furthest thing on his mind i'd bet...
 
Thanks, Mal. It's nice to hear some support from someone, even if I don't know you personally.

And yes, I took care of things in the health center. Thankfully I'm clean. But that was also an embarrassing thing that I didn't need to go through.
 
good girl for taking care of yourself... Better off being a little embarassed than not knowing and always wondering... STDs and worse are too easy to come by... and you really have to be careful...
 
Yeah, I know all about being careful. Unfortunately I didn't have much of a choice. I discussed telling my mom with my best friend tonight, and she's been through a similar experience... anyways we're both too afraid to tell our mothers because of the negative things they might say. I don't know. I'll figure it out.

On a better note I did some belly dancing video, tae bo and some pilates tonight! Wooo.
 
do you think you would feel better if you confronted the asshole who did this? I mean really practiced what you would say with a good friend and then said all the things to him you've wanted to say?

I think you may feel better in the long run, letting HIM know what he did was wrong, and making him remember it for a long time!!!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
 
discolemonade said:
[cont]
I have something really important to tell you all about. And you might think it's weird that I feel comfortable posting this for strangers to read but I find it hard to tell my family, but... let me explain.

........

Thanks and sorry for the depressing topic. It really is therapeutic for me to tell somebody, even if it's somebody I don't know.
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Hey girl,

First off, I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. You joined while I was still in Hawaii spending time with my family. So... I read the above post and believe me, I had somewhat of the same situation happen to me when I was 22 years old. (I'm 29 now.) I went from being a pretty outgoing person to keeping everything to myself, arguing with my parents constantly (unknown to them, of course) even to the point of suicide due to extreme depression. (Yah.. the latter really sucks.)

I kept the whole thing a secret from my parents for almost a year until I hit "rock bottom." (I was 225lbs. I was doing horrible at work. I stopped spending time with my family. etc) I, like you, worried about having them judge me and whatnot. That was my reason for not telling them for soooo long. When I finally did tell them, a lot was taken off of my shoulders. My secret was out, my parents were aware, and I needed help. I found a rape clinic that offered free, confidential counseling. It took me some time to find myself, but thanks to the support of friends, family, and the counselors, I eventually did.

All in all, I believe you should speak to your mother and let her know what happened. She may get angry at first, but that's just natural. Parents hate hearing that their children have been hurt, so don't take it personal. I believe the sooner you get this out, the sooner you can start healing mentally, emotionally, and physically. (weight loss) Wishing you all the best, girl.

-Sheryl
 
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CindyB said:
I think you may feel better in the long run, letting HIM know what he did was wrong, and making him remember it for a long time!!!!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
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You can be as vindicitive as you want, but let's be realistic here. She can probably talk to him until she's blue in the face about what he did to her and honestly, he's more than likely to deny it or even worse, call her out in public. However, if this happened just recently, she can report it to the school.
 
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for the responses I've gotten since I've been out of the loop. I just moved back into school and I'm getting everything settled. New semester, new dorm room, the asshole transferred back to his old school... fresh start!

I almost told my mother while I was home. There were a few times when I almost blurt it out because it seemed like an appropriate time - but I always wimped out. I'm just terrified of being judged. I think she noticed something was wrong, however, cos towards the end of the break she started making more of an effort to spend some time with me. We went to see a great mother-daughter flick, Juno, but I really didn't want to finish that with a, btw so I'm not pregnant but... kind of story.

Anyways I'm slowly working up my courage to tell her. Perhaps the next time I go back home for a weekend, or maybe for spring break, I'll tell her. I've been feeling a lot better lately... maybe it has something to do with the weight loss, or I'm just keeping myself busy with watching what I eat, but being back here at school kind of brings back memories.

I could never approach the guy and tell him what he did. I know what he would say, and I don't want to hear anything from him. I've removed him from my life as much as I can, and now I just want to try and forget him.

But in order to do that I need my family to know. Sigh.

Sheryl, I really appreciate your feedback. I'm not sure if I should go to counseling - they do offer it at my school for free, but I think that I could probably work it out by myself if I had everything out in the open. I'm sorry you had something similar happen to you... it's devastating. I'm glad you've been able to move on though and I hope I can do the same.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!
 
Hey Disco. I like your name:) Great job on the 14lbs lost. Your doing terrific.

I was reading thru your diary and just wanted to say that I was really sorry about what happened to you. That really sucks. There are some really great people on here who can offer great advice.

I saw Juno a few weeks ago and I loved it. Very very good movie. Funny as hell too. I actually went to go see it with my little bro. He really liked it too.

Take Care and look forward to seeing you on here:)

-Sam
 
Hi disco :). Well that is tragic and makes us readers very very angry at that creep. Its scary that he's out there preying on unsuspecting girls. Its important to remember and somehow try to internalize that what happened to you isn't your fault, and if people judge you they are truly not understanding what happened. I put myself into so many ridiculously crazy situations as a young girl and I'm just lucky no one ever took advantage of me. Its natural to fall asleep and want to snuggle with someone and kiss and stuff. That doesn't mean you agreed to more, whether you would've liked to or not cuz you're obviously smart enough to know better than to jump into something too quickly. I would think your mother wouldn't judge you, but then again we dont know her. I only hope she gives you the support you deserve. Good luck on your weight loss journey sweetie :).
 
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