DIARY FOR A NEW LIFESTYLE

Sarah, thank you for the support! I had a terrible day, I crashed completely. Had nothing done (wrote 3 sentences!!!) and overdosed on sugar and other crap...I know, I'm ashamed...I guess you're right, I needed a break, and I didn't take it, so I crashed. The problem is I can't afford to waste any more time, I have to send my application by Jan. 7th and I still have a lot to do (I stopped the gym about 2 weeks ago because I'm working at night), after that I can rest.


I'm just getting so frustrated with this application and so stressed, I've had 2 professors mail me back saying my topic was very interesting, but they both keep telling me how competitive getting into their university is, it's like they're almost telling me not to apply, I got a mail today, and the professor was very positive about my topic and ended his mail with "we're very selective but that's no reason not to apply"!!! what do you mean no reason not to apply? I've been working on this application for 3 months now, it's not like the application is 1 letter of interest, it's a whole, complicated package that's taken me 3 months to prepare and I'm still not done!


ok, obviously I'm stressed. I'm going to calm down now. Sleep it over, wake up tomorrow and clear my mind and start fresh and keep my mind focused on the deadline, and as soon as my application is in the mail I'm going to take 2 days off to spend with my son, and pamper myself. (then I have final exams, not mine, but my students) and then on January 18th, I'm free!!!
 
Hey issakova,

I'm sorry you are under so much stress...the best thing I can tell you is that this too shall pass...and I hope it passes the way you want, and I don't know your spiritual condition...so I'm certainly not going to preach...I would tell you to consider say the serenity prayer and really mean it with this application in mind: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference"...

You might also remember that if you don't take care of yourself and your health...nothing else will matter...so, what if the application is not accepted...then you will just have to try again..it may sound like the end of the world to be "not accepted"...but it's not...many of us have had to do things more than once to get the desired outcome!

I don't want to put a defeatist attitude on it...certainly you need to do everything you can to be a successful candidate on this application...but don't neglect yourself in the meantime!

If you can't go to the gym..then hit the streets on a nice brisk walk for even just 30 minutes...and take care of yourself!

Take care and good luck!
 
Hey issakova!


Your gonna pull through this, keep your head up and your eye on the prize. And like scbibhouse said, try not to neglect yourself.
 
I just wrote a whole entry and it was deleteed before I submitted it!


So here I go again, both re-writing the post, and re-starting the diet!


I have been WAY off the wagon for the past 10 or 12 days, I've lost track. Way off means I've been eating anything and everything, with total lack of control. I hate when I do that, I feel so helpless, like I have no willpower. It really feels like an addiction. The more I eat, the more I want to eat, and I just can't stop myself. I probably put back the 2kilos I've lost, I haven't dared to weigh myself, but I can feel it.


I'm really tired of always falling into the same pattern, I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't stick to a diet, that I can't make it work, sometimes it really feels like I don't want to make it work, like I'm eating to punish myself, I don't even try to stop myself.


Anyway, I'm starting again. I keep falling, but I will keep getting back up. I have no choice. Looking like I do is just makin me feel miserable. I will track my calories and try to stay lower carb. but I will NOT obsess about it, because when I do, it always backlashes. I will try to stay around 1200 cal/day. I will also try to exercise when I can.

I still have a lot to do eventhough I managed to mail my PhD applications (yayyy!!). Have finals this week, then grading, then my film and packing the house for our big move. I will try to better manage my time and stress and take it one day at a time.


I downloaded an app to track my calories because I think I've totally lost persepctiev on what constitutes an average portion. I realized the past week that I eat more than anyone I know, I eat more than my husband!


Voila, so here I go again.


Note to self: no food is worth how miserable I feel about myself right now.
 
Day 1 (8 January 2012)


Breakfast: 1 toast with honey

Lunch: spaghetti bolognese

Dinner: 2 beef hot dogs griled, tomato and cucumber salad

2 digestive biscuits


TOTAL: 1260 cal. 90 carb.


I'm measuring everything, I will do that until it becomes intuitive.


First day was ok. I was hungry for more immediately after meals, because I'm not used to such small portions, but I wasn't ravenous, It was more our of habit I think.
 
Day 2


1260 cal, 70 carbs


Lunch spaghetti bolognese, 2 digestive biscuits

dinner 3 egg omelette with ham, half tomato, 5 olives and 1 pickled chili
 
Day 3


Had dinner planned so fasted during the day. Went to indian

restaurant I guess I has about 2000 cal. Chicken biryani, black daal, popadums

And small bit of dessert (white creamy thing)


Day 4

Also fasted to compensate. Then omelet with hot dog and tomato+digestive biscuit

860 cal, 55carb
 
Day 5 was good, 1200 cal, under 100g carbs


Day 6 is today and I binged....I know exactly why. First I didn't chose the right foods, had KFC, small portion so I was under my cal, but it was a bad choice. I was home all day, didn't see or speak with anyone, got some mails from work that pissed me off and frustrated me, got a text from my hubby that really pissed me off, so I was:


Bored

pissed off

sad

frustrated


Recipe for disaster. I def. went over 2000 cal today, and I just feel worse than I did before the binge. Of course.
 
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