Cerella, you amaze me with your thoroughness! Ha ha! Makes me feel like I'm entertaining someone with my vents 
I like that, trust me, better than making someone sick. It's just hard right now and I'd rather get it out, otherwise it could come out in bad ways...like hooking up with random jerks or somthing.....
Thanks for all the kind words, everyone!!!
I'm blessed to have people I've never met be so supportive just the same, and not just in weight loss Wow how melodramatic!!
Well, today I went to a WEDDING and ATE too much
BLEH!! I had
candy and it made me feel ill. The dinner itself was salmon, rice and asparagus, which was delicious and nutricious. But I ate too many rolls becuase they were good and warm, and had too much champagne and wine, which spurned the roll-eating. I know this, don't forget it, but drinking alcohol makes some of us inclined to over-eat bread, both of which are high-calorie and not nutritious. DUH!
Bummer...
But the wedding was fucking awesome, the weds were high school friends and they both do competitive lifting, the bride can deadlift 315 lbs
She's Aremenian and the wedding was at an Armenian church in Oakland, and of course, I love Oakland, the Bay, I'm ghetto at heart, although I understand the socio-economic hardships and wouldn't necessarily want to live in an actual ghetto...I still think Oakland has a wonderful vibe to it, one that if I tried to explain people would just disagree with me
Anyway, I am in a coffee shop and this evening we're going to San Francisco to party a bit. Drinking water, trying to stifle the urge to munch mindlessly, which is difficult after a day of drinking and eating, ya know?
Perhaps I should mention the BF.
So Friday I had dinner with my friend Suke. Even the damn bartender knew something was wrong, and bought me a beer--pretty transparent, eh? My dramatic ass. *waggs head in shame* Anyway, Suke and I talked and talked, we're good friends and I never knew he cared so much, and he also told me about his own issues with a girl he's in love with. Well I went home to go to bed, and I turned on my laptop to check email before bed (what an addict!), and as I was reading Lucas's email about how it was probably best to leave the BF, I IMed L. because his IM was on. Low and behold, it was BF on the other end (he was over at the old house with Brian and London, Brian is there until the 15th).
I wish I could post the conversation, but it's proably too private. Bascially he said he loves me, hw missed me, he was mad, but he was wondering if I wanted his company that night. It hurt so bad, here I was trying to affirm my declaration that I don't need him, and I can suffer through the agony of not having his company, his kisses, his touch, his sweet nothings....i cried and cried while I typed because I didn't want to say yes or no. Our convo went on and on, I guess I can put snippets:
"you dont have to say yes
i wont be offended
i'd like to see you, sleep with you, smell you and snuggle with you, and not be all pissed off or anything"B]
"I want that too....but I don't know if it is healthy for me...I don't know if I should"
"if it doesn't seem like something that should happen then i wont come over, dont worry!"
I IMed very evasive things, and told him I was just sad and crying. I couldn't bring myself to elaborate, and I didn't feel like he deserved to know my headtrips, my pain, my anguish. I was still honest, though. I was just plain sad.
"look i understand if you'd rather not have to make a decision one way or the other
i can level with the idea that you dont want to invite me oer, but you dont want to turn me away, (or something?)?
like if you think its not going to be constructive or pleasant for whatever reason, it's ok and i love you and i'll see you as soon as you want to"
I asked him what he really wanted. I wanted to be sure of what the fuck he was doing.
"i want to come sleep with you, and snuggle with my chubbuns"
"Chubbuns" is a variation of the nickname I gave myself for him to call me when I was heavier, "Chubby Bunny." Actually, I would have been Chubby Bunny on WLF not Curvie Girlie, CG was my second pick because CB was taken but I've never seen the bastard! Anyway, I like it, and he uses it as enderament, although mostly he jusgt calls me Bunny. I was a bunny for Halloween, after all
Uh oh friends showed up, gotta go!! BBS
Seriously, though, the cops in this town (my hometown, not Oakland) are bored and crazy--abusive. Nothing better to do. Santa Cruz cops are cool, trust me!