ALL RIGHT!!!
Thank you for all the positivity, but now that I'm down to earth, with a realistic sense of self, remember,
I'm not THAT great, I mean, I have shining qualities but I have done plenty of immoral, questionable things in my life I'm not proud of.
But I'm only saying this because I feel great right now, in fact, jovial and self-effacing in a healthy, humble way.
I went to San Jose again to visit Lucas and we had a great time, more of the same. We discussed in-depth his familial issues, and my own, not to mention others, and we touched on a subject that has no place in WLF regarding the dynamics of my relationship with my (ex?) BF:
Let's just say the BF and I got into a controversial situation 3 months into our romantic envolvement that many young couples experience, and it brought us very close--close to the point of spiritual realization. And up through that point and after, we explored the seedier sides of sensuality that calls into question power, dominance, and play. I suspect that we have conditioned ourselves to particular roles that extended out of play and into the real world unbeknownst to us. Combined with our inherent personalities and family background (if you knew the whole story you might see how this unfolds), it is no wonder that I lost my sense of self and became his shadow for a while, hating myself all the way and resenting him for being a participant in it. Fortunately, he has no power over me anymore, these past days have been one epiphany after another. Relax, folks, he has no conscious desire to control me, trust me. It is a
conditioning that I
allowed that he found nice: a hot slave-girl and he doesn't have to work at anything, that his cuteness has me whipped. But witholding affection, not answering me on questions, telling me to WAIT until HE is ready to sleep by my side again, or see me again.....this is all a sort of power-guilt trip because he's very angry with me. I know why, and it's not some big thing that makes a lot of sense, it's just behavior, my shitty behavior towards him born out of resentment of my situation and the failure of him to meet my requirements of a boyfriend. The entire thing is a headache. But that is only the subconcious side that wasn't apparent until my pseudo-pschycoanalysist came out, brought out by deep conversation with a highly sensitive, intelligent old friend.
What to do? Free myself, and I have. Knowing was the first step for me; changing my behavior was easy because he was not around. At first I was miserable and dreading the cut. Then he emailed me today, thanking him for NOT emailing HIM, for letting him alone while "the dust settles." He indicated that he is NOT going to dump me right now. I was polite, but didn't play into any kind of begging, groveling, or telling him how awful it is to sleep alone and not see him.
Because it isn't awful, I found that men are hot, sweaty, stinky things in bed and I feel glad (so far) to stretch out and say "Ah!" As for sex, I wouldn't be able to handle it emo-wise--and shutting off and fucking is probably not a good idea
right now, so I find myself saying (to myself),
"Thank you, BF, for being a dick and not letting me see you this week. I have found myself and started healing, and letting go of you, letting go of my unecessary preoccupation with what I perceive to be your irrisistable adorableness and boyish charm. In doing so, I hope that I will never get mad at you for failing me. I will become self-sufficient with my own resources and coping mechanisms."
I used to fear being alone. In less than 2 days, I realized I need it, but only after I spend time with people who truly care, for fueling up. I want to be alone and HAPPY, not alone and FRIGHTENED. And right now I can't wait to crawl into bed, nice and alone except my dear cat, and SLEEP and STRETCH!
Food: Appetite back full-force, ate sushi and had dessert and wine. Won't be surprised by a weight gain, but now is the time to pay attention and possibly track calories, now that I now have to watch it. No exercise except my noon walks to the beach for the past 2 days, but I may run tomorrow!!!!
With my THEN boyfriend. LMAO!! 