Daisy's Diary

Daisy Mae

Daisy Mae

New member
Here I am, on a Friday night, finally writing a post after endless deliberation. Maybe it was stubbornness that was keeping me from posting. I wanted to believe I could do it alone. Maybe it was facing the fact that there is an issue I need to resolve. Maybe it was frustration. I know what I need, and what I don't, so I get mad when I disregard that in the moment and do the things that only further contribute to my frustration. I don't know the reason, but here I am. I don't even know if this is a big moment or not. Will it really be a turning point? I have yet to find out. I'm really hope I can find that moment that finally changes things because right now I feel like I am spiraling downward despite my best efforts to stay at the top. It's getting late (I am one of those early-to-bed, early-to-rise type people) and I'm getting tired, so my goal in writing this entry is to stop filtering my thoughts and write about everything, or at least start to, and see what insight any feedback has to offer. So here we go, me in a nutshell. This is my first time being part of a community of this kind, my first time blogging in general. Since I was 12 years old "dedication to excellence" was a term I became intimately familiar with. I ran cross country (and was good too, for a time). But that was our motto - it was drilled into us then, and it has stuck with me ever since. It carries over into much more than just running. It helped me get good grades in school. It helped me get interviews for internships and jobs. I am a really relentless person, so I don't understand why this is the one thing I can't seem to conquer. For the first 2 years of college, I ran, and was still kicking butt. Then I got hurt and transferred schools (to a Division 1 school) in he same year. I was D1 material at one point in time, but not when I was broken. I tried to heal up and make the team. I healed up, but was too slow. I joined the club team and found friends, but at the same time kept myself distant, because I knew I was still pining for varsity. It took a year and a half of bugging the coach and emailing him my race times until he finally gave me a chance. It was an utter failure. I struggled to keep up in workouts. My races were embarassing. It was the snowiest winter I remember and running outside was miserable, but running inside was worse. I got hurt again in a matter of months. By the start of the spring season, I got cut. I wasn't overly upset. I knew it was coming. I went back to the club team, where I was welcomed with open arms, and I knew then that those were my true friends. But then, I didn't really have anything to work for. I could just run for fun. It was a needed mental break and I cannot say I regret it (during that time, I began dating my boyfriend of now 1 year, who was also on the club...more about him shortly :) ). So I ran for the fun of it. Even though I always strove for excellence, I have ALWAYS loved running. It is playful, liberating, wild, empowering, adventurous, and has connected me to some of the most important people in my life, as well as given me nearly every one of my favorite experiences. Anyway, after college graduation (last spring), I moved across the country to start my new job as operations engineer. I have to laugh - it totally fits at least one side of my personality. I can prioritize tasks like a sorting machine, and am quick and reliable on the job. I can handle a lot at work, and even in the 3 months (6 if you count my internship last summer), I have already distinguished myself as a contributing member of my company. But it consumes my life. I'm working 11-12 hours a day, and sometimes trying to take a couple work-related classes after work to hone my skills. I am an exempt employee, meaning, I don't need to take lunch breaks, so if there is work to do (there is ALWAYS work to do), I do not take lunch break. I just eat at my desk. Though I'm going to various meetings and talking to people around the building, much of my job involves sitting in front of a computer. So even though I'm mentally toasted by the end of the day, I really haven't done anything physical. To reiterate - I LOVE being active. I don't just do it to keep in shape. I have always been someone who bikes everywhere because I prefer it to driving, I run because it allows me to see new places, I hike, I camp, I love water (oh yeah...there was a year of competitive swimming thrown in there, when I was injured and couldn't run), and if there is anything I haven't tried, I'm usually ready to give it a whirl. But recently I've been getting off work, calling my parents/brothers/friends/boyfriend on the way home, since they are 3 time zones away and if I wait I will not be able to talk to them, coming back and A) reading because I also love doing that and am too tired to do anything active, OR B) cooking because I want to learn how to do that eventually, OR C) dragging my butt through a run or maybe getting myself to the gym. There's hardly a combination of these. In other words, I have no balance. That's the week-day routine. Weekend routine: get out of the city (I'm now living in LA and am very much not a city girl) and go run in the mountains. I do this every weekend. Sometimes I camp and stay out all weekend. Sometimes I come back and do one location Saturday, another on Sunday. I usually average about 15 miles at a time, but the distance has been increasing. I ran my first 50k about 5 weeks ago and loved every second. This weekend, I'm supposed to run my first marathon, and its a race across the desert between horses and runners. (Like I said, I have 2 very different sides...the down-to-earth, A+ prioritizer, and the somewhat wild adventurer who usually bites off a little more than I can chew (ha ha ha...appropriate pun for this entry), but finds a way to make it work). My running has been suffering, and it is making me less happy. The stress at work has led to a lack of control, and I've gained weight. I'm less active during the week, further adding to the problem. The things I love, I can only do on weekends, so my weekends become packed and, even though it is a mental vacation to go burn energy, it's also tiring. Then there's the personal relationships. I have awesome relationships with my parents and brothers. Love them to pieces. My boyfriend is wonderful in every way. He's so genuinely caring, and willing to put in crazy amounts of effort to make distance work. We both agree that we are doing a pretty good job so far. As cliche as it sounds, he loves me for who I am, not what I look like. But jeeeeezzzz.....how great would it be to see him next and look every bit the outdoorsy adventurer I long to be (and am on most weekends)?? I don't only want to lose weight for him. Honestly, he does not even know it is something I am concerned about (while Im sure he would be open to talking about it with me, it just is not something I have brought up ever). Past struggles taught me to keep my mouth shut and I haven't talked to anyone about it in years. So basically, not his fault that I haven't said anything. That's on me. But I'd rather just show up slimmed down and toned up next time I see him than talk about it beforehand. I also want to do it for myself. Added weight makes running and hiking harder. Seeing as those are 2 things I love more than almost anything else, I don't want to do anything that keeps me from doing what I love. Gaining weight keeps me from enjoying the great outdoors to the fullest extent I can. And finally, I just want to be confident in my own skin again. I want to look in the mirror and still see that girl that is committed to excellence, not a wired, stressed-out, has-been who is hanging on to the remnants of a figure she had, but slowly hiding herself in her own skin. I want to excel at work, in relationships, in health and fitness, and in life. Any ideas on how to find this balance? Sorry for the rant, but I am really looking forward to any feedback. I keep hoping for turning points. Maybe this can be the day I make one.
 
Hi Daisy and welcome to our part of the forum! You are obviously a perfectionist, which is not a bad thing, but maybe this is a point in your life where you need to learn that "good enough" exists as well and is actually good enough. Giving your all in every single area of your life is hard but doable (for some of us) when you´re in school/college, but once you start working full-time more things get added (especially if you´re trying to keep up with loved ones long-distance instead of just sharing some of your activities with them) yet the days don´t get longer. You say you´re good at prioritizing tasks? Apply that to your personal life. You only have so much mental/physical energy to expend; use it wisely. And maybe, just maybe, start something silly which doesn´t have any practical application and which you´re absolutely rubbish at in order to learn to deal with not having to be perfect to have fun. And maybe to get to know some more people in your new city.

Feel free to disregard my opinion, of course. I really hope you´ll find a way that works for you!
 
Hi Daisy & welcome to the forum. Oh, honey, your life sounds way too stressful for me to even get my head around. I once lived in the "rat-race", but it;s like another planet away from how I live my life now. Good enough can be good enough, as LaMa suggests. No-one is perfect. I don't even know what perfection is. It's usually an unreal concept or perception. We all need to find a balance in life. I think it's the biggest challenge. Work is not the be all & end all. You are meant to also have fun, "smell the roses", make mistakes etc. Life is so very complicated, but it should be enjoyed. I am glad you have such good support from your family & your BF as I think being loved & loving is more important than the work you do. I know that's a concept outside many people's mindsets. I am not driven to earn lots of money. I have had lots of money over my lifetime, but, to me, it's value has shrunk in comparison to my personal relationships. Money is just money. Love, on the other hand, is invaluable.

Self-esteem or lack of it is usually the reason most of us become over-weight. If we all became more sure of ourselves & our rightful place in the world & learned to accept that we are all OK, then there would not be as many over-weight people. You will be fine. Have confidence in yourself. Tell your BF how you feel. The biggest mistake you can make in a relationship is not communicating. Cheers, Cate.
 
LaMaria, I really like your idea about finding something else to try. There are a few things I've wanted to do, but (not surprisingly) just haven't found the time. I don't know how I would also take classes and keep up with the ever-improving, ever-changing world of engineering, but maybe that is something I can make a point of doing, even if its once every other week or something. Its also a bit of a money issue right now...as a recent college grad, I really need to watch my spending and keep a tight budget for a while. Any suggestions of cheap, fun activities?
On Saturday morning, I almost didn't go to the race. I thought about staying home, hanging out at the beach or something. I'm sure that would've made for a fun afternoon, too, but I had also been excited for this race...I mean, how many chances do you get to race horses across a desert? I called my boyfriend, either so he could talk me out of doing something stupid, or so he could give me that boost of motivation I needed. He told me if I would regret not going, I should go do it. I would regret it. I knew I would. So I packed up my camping and running gear, filled up the gas tank, and headed out. THANK GOODNESS I DID. When I got to the end of the 2-track road,where race participants were said to be camping, I found the coolest, nicest group of people ever. We sat around the campfire, getting to each others (although most of them already knew each other from previous races), swapping running stories, laughing, and having a good time. Then we climbed in our tents and slept under billions of stars, all visible in the perfectly clear night sky. Even the Milky Way paved from one horizon to the other. It was a cool, breezy, perfect night.
In the morning, I woke to the sound of an alarm going off in a nearby tent, followed by "Ughhhhh....I don't wanna run 30 miles..." (There was a 50 miler, a 50k, a marathon, and a 10 mile race). I was signed up for the marathon (that's the distance the horses were running and I wanted to be able to run with the horses!) I laughed to myself. Turns out I'm not the only tired runner, apparently.
I could talk forever about every detail leading up to the race, as well as the race itself, but I don't want to bore anyone. There's just something that happens in those moments when you are tired and you feel a bit of a disconnect between your mind and body, possibly from dehydration, but sometimes just from being out there (I drank soooooo much water, and still had a close call with getting dehydrated at one point). The race directors did an amazing job of setting up aid stations, though. Every 4 miles there was an aid station with water, a carbohydrate-replenishing drink, salt tablets, and food of all kinds, and occasionally, there were unmanned aid stations with just water. I don't really like to have solid things when I'm running, so I usually bring along a couple packets of gu and a packet of Mama Chia (if you're into distance running at all, I really recommend this stuff. Easy to digest, tasty without being too sweet, no mess, and packs a punch when it comes to energy). Anyway, the first 11 miles were relatively easy. There was a decent climb, but not quite long enough to sap your energy too much, as long as you kept yourself in check. Miles 12-19, on the other hand, were straight up to the top of a mountain ridge. By this time, the sun was high in the sky and the miles were starting to add up. I hadn't trained in the heat, either (at this point, I'd forgotten that I really hadn't trained at all in the past 2 weeks). I made the mistake of thinking I had enough water in my pack and didnt account for the fact that I'd be drinking more while going up the mountain (more energy out means more water is needed to keep those muscles from cramping up), so about halfway up, I had to start rationing my water. I wanted to drink it all SO badly, but I didnt know if there was an aid station at the top, and if there wasnt, I'd be in a dangerous situation without water. Sparing the details, there are few sights as sweet as the view from the top of that mountain ridge (and yes, there was an aid station!!)
The 7 mile stretch down the mountain to the finish was a celebration the whole way. I was smiling to myself, enjoying every second of it, loving how my legs felt. I think I may have even laughed out loud at one point (heat getting to me??)
In my limited experience with trail races, I've learned to love the finish for obvious reasons, but mostly because of the humbleness of the whole thing. You come to the finish line and...that's it. There's a small group of people there to pat you on the back and hand you either a glass of water or beer, but that's all. There might be awards, or not, but it doesn't matter. The people who run these races aren't there for prizes.
By the time I had packed my car for the drive home, I'd made new friends and actually had someone tell me "Welcome to the family." (This was a very small race, not your typical marathon where you are lost in a sea of other sweaty people and you are nothing more than a bib number with an associated time). How special is that?!
I apologize for the rant, I just realized I kind of went off for a while there... but this is the reason I want to get everything else back under control. I want to be able to do what I love, and eating unhealthy and not taking care of myself during the week really doesn't help.
So I guess my questions are what's worked for you? Have there been things you've done that have really made a difference in helping you control what you put into your body? And what are the things you find motivating? (feel free to write an equally long novel!)
 
:) No time for a novel right now but: wow, what an amazing experience! Thank you very much for sharing.
About cheap activities: I used to go to a 5€ BJJ class meant to attract more women to the sport and I just signed up for free writing classes organized by a psychologist who want us to use writing (or photography) for mindfulness purposes for a study they're conducting. Found both through facebook. People offer stuff at reduced cost for all kinds of reasons but you have to keep a look-out. Maybe your new friends have insider tips for your area?
 
I'm not sure if I should keep posting on this thread, but I like the idea of keeping my thoughts and feedback in a consolidated place to look back on, so I'm just going to keep adding to it.
So.... chocolate is a trigger. Work is stressful. Therefore, chocolate after work is a recipe for disaster. I often find a meal I like and eat only that for a week straight or so...at least until I run out of supplies for that particular meal. Some people are really against this, but sometimes I feel like you shouldn't mess with a good thing. I found a good thing that I've been having for dinner this week (whole wheat english muffin topped with guacamole (the kind with minimal ingredients, avocados and some spices), egg whites, goat cheese, and sweet chili sauce, with spinach on the side. I feel like it has a good balance of everything (protein, healthy fats, veggies, and carbs), and it looks beautiful, like the kind of thing people would post in an instagram photo or something...problem is that I had chocolate in the cupboard, so I went for that after dinner :( I would've done so well had I just been satisfied with what should have been a very satisfying meal. It's times like this that I feel like I totally let myself down. I need to train myself not to crave junk. I know the motto is "everything in moderation," but even moderation can make me get used to having sweets. I want to stop completely, so I do not even think about wanting sweets after dinner. That way, if I ever do have something for dessert, it will feel like a treat, not something I am simply used to getting. I sort of prepped for tomorrow...I had chicken that needed to be cooked, so I did that. I'll ration that out for a few meals.
My thoughts feel jumbled tonight, but I think I might have a goal: Find the right combination of foods for a price that isn't outrageous. I realized even groceries are more expensive on the west coast than in the midwest. Being healthy is costly!! Any tips on what foods to get that are healthy, but won't break the bank?
 
Don´t worry too much about eating the same thing for a week, 100 years ago that was more norm than exception and even those meals often had less variety than ours. Cheap stuff that works in bulk? Potatoes, eggs, dried beans and pulses, any fruit and veg that´s local and in season. Onions can be bought in bulk cheaply and they keep for a long time. These guys have some... interesting videos on the subject:
 
Wow that video was really creative...and the guy was entertaining! haha I don't think I'd be a fan of that chicken though...things with bones in it still freak me out. I know, I know, I should really get over that one. Tonight I wanted to write about the highs and lows of the day. Maybe if I document them it will either help me stop doing some things or motivate me to continue doing others. So here we goooo....highlight: I woke up with a really yummy smoothie I've enjoyed making, made with greek yogurt, almond milk, frozen bananas, flax seed, chia seeds, powdered peanut butter, and cacao powder. Lowlight: I didn't work out this morning. I don't even remember my first alarm going off, so I must've needed the extra hour of sleep, but I wanted to start waking up early to exercise so I had more time after work for other things (maybe trying some new activities!) Highlight: I drank green tea. Lowlight: I had a cookie for a snack (but highlight(ish)...it was homemade, and a "healthy" version, with avocado in place of butter). Highlight: I had a healthy lunch: salad with spinach, chicken, dried cranberries, light shredded parmasan, baby tomatoes, and avocado with a basalmic vinagarette). Lowlight: I also had a piece of chocolate. Highlight: I went for a run after work. Lowlight: the outside edge of my foot started hurting, so might have to take it easy for a couple days (I really put my feet through the ringer this weekend). Highlight: had dinner with a friend who recently moved to the area and had a kale salad with chicken (and saved enough for lunch tomorrow!) Lowlight: also had a beer. Highlight: biked to and from the restaurant. Highlight/lowlight: I still wanted something sweet after dinner, and had no chocolate or junk in the apartment (conveniently), so I had a spoonful of peanut butter. Not the kind with added sugar. Just straight up peanuts. No sense in ruining a good thing when peanut butter is already way too yummy for its fat content :/ So that's that. I have a long way to go. But at least for every lowlight, I could counter with one highlight.
Just out of curiosity sake, what time are people willing to wake up to work out? And what kinds of morning workouts do you like to do?
Also out of curiosity, what are some of the "highlights" of other people's days? Maybe it'll help give some ideas I can incorporate into my own routine?
 
Sounds like a good day all in all, your lowlights really aren't that low. I refuse to get up before 5:45, but I've seen people get up at 5 to get a workout in :eek:
 
I refuse to get up before 7am :blush5: I agree with LaMa. Your lowlights & highlights seem fairly well balanced.
 
I have to be in to work around 6:30, so its been hard getting up, exercising, getting ready for work, and getting there by then. I'm thinking about biking to work starting next week, (I'm about 5 miles away), so its a breath of fresh air on either end of the work day, and is more efficient, since by the time I'm done with my workout, I'll already be at work! (They have showers there that I can use so I don't stink all day :) ). It probably would take a similar amount of time as driving, anyway, because of the traffic. Except I feel guilty because I've been having to give a coworker rides to work on occasion. His wife just got a part-time job and they only have one car. Not sure what he would do if I started biking instead. Today, overall, I think was an improvement from yesterday. I still got hungry before lunch and had a clif bar (I should've had something less dense on hand), but I had kale and chicken for lunch with carrots sticks for an afternoon snack. I had to drop my coworker off before I could come home after work, so I got back late and was already hungry for dinner. This is the pivotal point in my day. Either I give in, take a rest, and make dinner, or I go do something -- run, gym, bike ride, anything. I was just about to walk out the door...and my mom called. So I talked to her for another half hour. I thought about not walking out the door after that, but jumped on my bike and rode to the gym. I did core exercises today, and had some fun with planks. Planks are so fun because there are so many variations! You can listen to music and almost dance while planking (you might look a little ridiculous, but its still ab work, and it makes it much more entertaining...probably for the people around you, as well). So I put on some tunes, assumed plank position, and let my body move how it wanted. This ended up including something that resembled a yoga flow from plank, to holding a pushup position, then back to a plank (did this quite a few times), then alternated between tucking my knee to my chest and extending it behind me, doing some side planks with hip dips, going back to the plank-to-pushup-stance (I really like this one...makes me feel strong, and the confidence boost really helps with motivation), then during the "resting" periods I rolled back and forth across the tips of my toes, kind of dipping my hips side to side. It's silly, fun, and it kept me moving and enjoying the gym sesh rather than just trying to get through it. I still want to work on what I'm snacking on throughout the day, and the overall number of calories I'm taking in. I have a feeling it's more than I think, which is ultimately keeping me from my goals. I'm bummed because my foot is still bothering me, and I'd had another weekend of hiking and running planned, but maybe this is the sign that I should stick around the area and try some new things. There's a self-defense place only about a mile away that looks like fun, but might be out of my budget, and there's also a canvas painting place (I could probably just get the supplies and try this myself, without the added expense of a class and instructor), but I might also start thinking about Christmas gifts this weekend. I know it seems way to early, but my favorite thing about Christmas is making gifts for friends and family (especially my brothers). When my middle brother was in high school, I made him a scrapbook every year with all the pictures, newspaper clippings, and other artifacts from his cross country season. These scrapbooks were all-out, too...we're talking so big I had to get extra pages to put in them after they were filled. It takes a long time, so I always had to start a month or two in advance. He always knew what he was getting, but he loved them, so it was ok. Now, my youngest brother is in high school, also running cross country. Since I'm on the other side of the country and can't be at all his races to support him (though I did get to make it back to the midwest last month and got to see one of his races!), I want to make him a scrapbook too. Hopefully it will encourage his enthusiasm and give him something to look back on later on in life :)
It's getting kind of late, so I should head to bed, but goals for tomorrow: Get sleeeeeeep (My first meeting isn't until 8:00 am so I get to sleep in!) Streamline what needs to be done at work so I can start my weekend and have some fun, use the healthy foods I got this week to make an actual dinner that I can spread out over the next few days, do an actual workout if my foot is feeling ok (rather than going for a straight run, throw in some intervals or tempo work isntead), otherwise, find another form of exercise, and at elast one new thing - I'm not sure what it'll be yet, but I'll write about it tomorrow :)

Thanks LaMaria and Cate for the support. I've been looking forward to reading your responses this week. It has really helped keep me excited for this process, and made me more aware of my actions throughout the day. I hope both of your journeys are going well!!
 
Side planks to planks to push ups is an awesome series :) I'm always happy to see people have fun with planks as they help with so many things! I'd say go for the biking; yes, it would probably be a temporary inconvenience for your colleague but I'm going to assume his wife didn't make her decision to start a new job based on your availability. Biking your commute is great for stress reduction.

Have fun on the weekend and enjoy those healthy meals :)
 
:iagree: with all that LaMa said. Your gym session sounds awesome. Go you! Biking your commute is a great way to add energy expenditure to your day & an excellent way to de-stress. Your brothers are lucky to have such a thoughtful sister daisy. What a great idea. When do you find the time?
 
I try to start early, so in theory if I do have some time before going to bed, I can put a page or so together (it helps to kind of plan the pages at least a little bit first). Since the scrapbooks highlighted the cross country season, it usually ended up being 1 race per page (and multiple pages for larger races with more pictures and artifacts to put on the page). During the seasons, I kept it in mind, so I had everything ready for when it came time to put it together. I saved all the pictures I'd taken, and asked parents of other kids if they had any to share, I cut out newspaper clippings, saved the results sheets that were handed out by the coach the following day, saved race bibs, flags from the finish, even leaves off the ground of some of the races. That way, I was armed and ready when I actually started putting things together. Of course, there was always a trip to Michaels or Joanns to get supplies, but it is also really cool to make your own supplies. So many of the stickers and things are generic. Rather than buying the big block letters that you can never fully use anyway because you always run out of one letter before the others, I use the money on a cool pen so I can make my own lettering. The great thing about scrapbooking is that you really can't mess up! However you decide to put things on the page, it just gives it that much more of your own personality. But when it came time to actually making the books...yikes. One year, I literally spent days on end leading up to Christmas in our basement. The floor was COVERED in supplies and rather than put everything away, I just covered it with a blanket so he couldn't see. It was pretty comical, because he knew exactly what was under the blanket, he just didn't know what it would look like at the end. Another year, I was on the swim team and we had to stay an extra week at school for training, so I used that extra week of no classes and nothing to do but swim to scrapbook. Once I get in the zone, I pretty much keep going until it's done. It's really fun for me though, so it doesn't seem like work. This year, I don't know how my schedule is going to shake out in the few weeks before the holidays, so I'm going to try to start early (I told my mom to start gathering pictures and whatnot now). It just absolutely kills me that I can't be there to watch the youngest brother. I'm not normally an emotional person, but I had a little breakdown today when he called me after his race to tell me how he did. I wanted nothing more than to be there. He was there for every one of me and my other brother's races, or other involvements. Granted, it was normally because he was little and didn't have a choice but to go with my parents, but I feel like I am missing all his endeavors and achievements and it's a mixture of guilt, nostalgia, and plain sadness. I fully admit it, I miss the kid. I know there is nothing that can be done about it - it was inevitable that I would leave eventually. I didn't expect to move thousands of miles away, but even if I had been a few hours' drive away, I still wouldn't be able to be there for everything.
Today I worked from home. It is a luxury sometimes afforded on Friday's when there is not a ton going on. But that means I didn't do my usual morning hike or run that normally happens on days off, because I had to be available in case something came up that needed my attention. I noticed that the day was much more emotionally taxing. There's something that puts my heart and mind at ease when I can get out of the city and into the mountains. I took a long bike ride (about 2 hours) in the late afternoon, and that helped, but it still wasn't the mental vacation I get from immersing myself in nature. On one hand, this makes me want to flee to the hills. On the other hand, I should probably learn to cope a little better. A conversation came up with my boyfriend that I didn't really expect. It wasn't explicitly stated, but it hinted at having a place together one day. It is going to be at least another year before we are able to be in the same location, but after that he's looking for a job at least relatively close to me. If he is able to find something in the immediate vicinity, it would make sense to eventually have one place instead of two. I'm not ready for that right now, though. I told him so and we are both on the same page there. Except I always pictured myself married before moving in...maybe that's still old fashioned. Anyway, we still have a while before it is going to really be something to consider. It will come up again though, I am sure, so I don't want to be "not ready" for it forever. While I can see him enjoying hiking, I think he would burn out if we went every weekend. (I will never, ever get tired of it...ever). So I'm going to have to learn to find a balance, and be able to cope with emotions and whatnot without making a bee-line to the hills before the rest of the world wakes up. I'm a work in progress.
So all in all, today was good, though there were a few setbacks. I had oats for breakfast, which kept me full until lunch, got a few lessons of my class out of the way, finished up work, had a big-ol-healthy salad for lunch, went on the bike ride, made a homemade (healthy version) pizza (spinach, chicken, parmasan, artichoke) that will last me a few days for dinner, and turned down drinks with some friends (A...tired. B...money. C...drinking calories. D...don't want to be groggy tomorrow. I think that's enough reasons to just stay in). Buuuuut.....I made the mistake of having chocolate covered almonds after dinner :/ I didn't get too out of control, but it was just enough to feel like I slipped off the rails after an otherwise healthy day. I'll try to do better tomorrow. Not sure how tomorrow will pan out...hiking plans fell through (we realized we needed a permit to go to the mountain we were planning on summiting, and the next one isn't available for another 2 weeks), so it is the first Saturday in a long time that I don't plan to wake up early. Instead, we planned for a smaller hike Sunday. So, until tomorrow, my friends! Goodnight :)
 
We´re all works in progress, hon. That´s a thing to accept. I could never tire of hiking, but when I´m out and about I definitely notice more women on the trails than men. Maybe it isn´t high-energy (hah! tell me that again after 8 hours of climbing) or cool enough? I left home for college when my little sister was 7, and I really missed her even though I was there pretty much every weekend. Then I left the country when she was 13 and while that was the right decision to make for me as a person I hate, hate, hate not having spent more time with her (or, later, my nephews, but especially my little sister) during her teenage years. And she definitely resented being the only one left at home a bit. I think she´s only starting to understand now (she´s 24) and I am so sorry for that. But it still would have ruined my life if I had stayed in our village.
 
LaMaria, wow that really must have taken courage to leave the country! I want to go abroad on a vacation or volunteer trip or something one day, but moving to a different country would be incredibly difficult. It takes a strong person to be able to do that, and in entries I've seen of yours since I joined, you definitely seem like a strong person.
Had a low moment today. I slept in until 7am for the first time in months, and continued to lay in bed until about 7:30, which was nice and relaxing. I made a smoothie with some new vegan protein mix I got (I'm not vegan, but I do like to read nutrition labels and this one had the fewest ingredients, while still providing the same amount of protein as other powders). Sometimes the sheer number of ingredients listed on a nutrition label is astounding. And kind of intimidating. I thought once...would I even be able to make this if I wanted to? If the answer is "no," I really think twice before getting it. I'm not a great cook/baker or anything, but when there are ingredients I can't even pronounce, a little red flag goes up. Unfortunately, this doesn't always stop me, but awareness is at least a step in the right direction. But the low moment...I've also used every combination of clothes I own to go to work, and was starting to feel like I might need a new outfit. I didn't particularly want to spend money, but my mom convinced me I should go get something nice to wear. So blame my mother, but I went to the stores. I tried on a few outfits and thought every single one looked awful. Didn't feel good in anything I tried on. I left the store empty-handed and feeling frustrated (I really am not a shopper, so this isn't entirely uncommon, it would just be nice to feel good in something I tried on. It looked good on a mannequin!!) Then my mom called. She was out shopping too, with her twin sister, my aunt. We all decided to go shop for shoes (she's a shoe-aholic, but I love her enthusiasm). So I sent pictures of shoes I was trying on and we ended up each getting a new pair. I had to laugh - it was the first cross country shopping trip I'd experienced, but it boosted my spirits a bit after the failed attempt to find clothing I liked.
-Break-
I took a break from writing to go do something outside. Last weekend one of the other runners said he enjoyed running down the sand at the beach - not the wet, hard-packed sand, but the loose, deep sand that saps the momentum of every step. I thought he was crazy, but I wanted to try it out. Plus, my foot has still been bothering me, so I wanted to find a way to run without hurting it further, and thought the sand might work. So I biked the short distance (just 2 miles) to the beach, then ran from one pier to the other (2 miles) in the loose sand. It was tough, but actually pretty enjoyable, as long as I kept my thoughts in check and didn't allow myself to become impatient with the slow pace. On the way back, I decided to run at the water's edge (not sure how this will affect my foot, but I guess I will find out tomorrow), for a total of 4 miles of running. All in all, it was a good run, and I can see why a seasoned ultra runner loves running in the sand- you have to stay aware of your steps, while not allowing yourself to become frustrated or mentally fatigued. In long-distance running, it is tough to stay mentally engaged, while also being comfortable with any soreness or tiredness that may arise. It is a difficult balance to strike and when you find that sweet spot, wow is it wonderful!
After I finished the short run, I saw one of my friends on the beach, and I couldn't bear to leave without a swim! We ran into the waves to cool off, letting ourselves be knocked over by the foamy white water. It was so fun!! By the time I biked home, I was sandy and sopping, but happy.
When I texted a picture of the beach to my dad, he told me to keep enjoying the little things, like being able to swim in October without freezing, and being able to climb mountains any given weekend. My dad is one of the most level-headed people I know, and he has righted my course so many times in life he will never understand how I much I take what he says to heart. He's a man of few words, so a simple "Love ya" goes a long way.
Tonight, I had another smoothie for dinner. And (I hope this isn't a mistake)...I'm making pumpkin bread. There's something about it that is so homey, and I've been pretty homesick lately. I just can't let autumn pass without keeping some traditions of the midwest. There's no changing leaves and apple orchards here, so the least I can do is make yummy bread. I put a healthy spin on it too- instead of using oil, I'm using applesauce. The only ingredients are pumpkin puree, applesauce, brown sugar, egg whites, whole wheat flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, ginger, and salt, but I did add crushed pecans and chocolate chips to make it more exciting. So not completely healthy, but not entirely unhealthy?? Also having a relaxing night in, watching the baseball game with my boyfriend, and catching up on some reading later. Tomorrow, it's another hike in the wilderness.

I did some math. I want to lose 20 pounds. If I create a 400 calorie deficit each day, it will take 8.75 days to lose 1 pound. So 20 pounds is 175 days. Why does this seem so daunting right now???? Ahhhhhh!!!!! How do those people lose 10, 15, even 20 pounds in a month???? What needs to happen during this half a year so I actually make progress???
 
Thanks for your kind words, Daisy. I don't think there's a lot of difference between moving abroad and moving to the other side of the country. Not having your family and friends near you, not knowing that one perfect little shop where you will find exactly what you're looking for, geting lost near your own house at first... it's all the same. Combine that with your first full-time job and it's no wonder things get though sometimes. You are doing great, and I personally am madly impressed by your ability to tun two miles in loose sand. That would kill me!
 
LaMaria, you could do it! It's just a matter of getting from point A to point B. Starting small (that may mean 10 steps of running every minute or so until you get there), then just working your way up to a longer distance. Eventually, you realize you are physically capable of a lot more than your mind allows, so even when your mind tells you to stop (mind did, quite frequently), you just take a breath, realize you aren't actually going to die, pick a point in the distance, and keep running until you get to that (then when you get there pick another point ;) ).
This morning, I went on a hike with a good friend/coworker. It was cool, misty, and beautiful. Moisture in the air is always a welcome thing when living in Southern California. It makes me miss rainy days. Afterward, though, my foot hurt again. I really want it to heal up soon. I need my feet for entertainment/exercise!
I think I need to start counting calories. Maybe treating weight loss like an equation will yield better results. Because right now I am spinning wheels and getting frustrated. So goals this week: ride my bike to work (at least for tomorrow to see how it logistically fits into the rest of the day), count my calories, and come up with a deficit of 400 each day. So easy to write, much more difficult to do :(
 
Now I miss the sea... But you´re right: we´re (almost) always capable of a bit more than we think. Counting calories works, just make sure you don´t go down too low. Perfectionists are at risk of that, especially when they already are (or have been) heavily into exercise. Keep giving your body what it needs and I hope your foot will heal up soon. If not, please see a doctor :grouphug:
 
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