Doing well!
Well well well!
Welly welly welly welly well.
So where should I start? Ah! Weight first??
Weight is around 148 and has been 150-147 for the past 2 weeks. I'm looking good and I'm feeling better, so I'll be able to track my calories more carefully now.
Mental health was a MESS, I was so depressed and felt terrible without Nat, everyday was a depressing living hell. I surrounded myself with friends and had friends over, barely spending any time alone. I think this is one of the first days/nights I
have been alone.
Exercise was still pretty good, for a while there it was day on, day off, day on, etc. But Sat and Sun I ran for over an hour each day, Monday I weight trained and today I did Kickboe and Ab Lab. My shape is looking quite good, according to me and a lot of other people.
Valentine's Day was the best I ever had! Ali and Casey and Chris and Devin kept me company and it was fantastic! We had the best sushi/sashimi I ever had, and I had no boyfriend to let me down
Devin's really nice and I love his slight accent. He was very mindful of my declaration of celibacy and didn't force kisses on me. NO, I HAVE NOT KISSED OR HAD SEX WITH ANYONE. Yes, it was easy not to. And of course I was really happy with me and my decisions! We all ended up in my bed (futon with memory foam toppers on the floor) watching South Park that evening. Yes, all 5 of us in my Queen sized bed. I don't know how! I cuddled with Devin but kept his hands out of my clothes
Chris and I went to Japan Town in San Jose yesterday and.........I bought a REAL NINJA SUIT! It's so fucking cool. I look REAL SCARY in it, it's great! I'm missing the belt and the boots but I'll get those eventually. It was meant for this coming Halloween, a sort of impulse buy, but it's so cool looking I might wear it downtown to be an eccentric freak and amuse bystanders. Chris and I also had adzuki bean ice cream. Talk about YUM! I bought some origami and I'm going to make one of those colorful dodecahedron-type things that are actually pretty hard to make. The instructions are in Kanji, good thing Chris can still read it.
Chris is pretty depressed and I actually went to one of his shrink sessions yesterday. His shrink seemed pretty glad Chris has a good friend. Chris is terminally ill and is getting the pancreatic transplant soon. I promised to visit him in the hospital as he recovers. He walks with a cane but needs a walker, but doesn't bother. They give him all sorts of drugs for pain. We still make chocolate together.
I've been eating erratically, no real binging and I still have been making efforts to eat raw although it's getting tiresome. This evening I had a Thai squid salad that was yummy.
So the story with the BF was that our relationship was pretty rocky, and a long time ago he eavesdropped on a conversation I had with a girl friend who lives in another state, where I criticized his libido and said I may as well have two boyfriends. He was very hurt, and to hurt
me, he told me that if I was intimate with someone else, he wouldn't consider it cheating: the catch, I had to tell him about it, and if I did go through with it, he'd probably break up with me. I apologized and begged him to take it back, but he wouldn't. Then he treated me nonchalantly for a while when we moved out, saying our time living together took a toll on him and he needed "me" time. I desperately missed him and was going through a big thing; he was back in the comfort of his parents' house and was re-starting friendships with high school buddies in the city where he works; I was living alone for the first time since I moved out and had no long term friends in my city. I turned to a few other guys for comfort and didn't want to tell him; I cleaned up my act when he changed his mind about the open relationship but I chose not to tell him. Six months later (in which our relationship flourished better than it had ever been), a friend of ours told him. So that's why he dumped me, saying he'd been betrayed. I apologized profusely but pointed out his ill treatment of me and my Big Thing that was pretty much a major self esteem issue had drove me to it. We each saw each other's points of view but he said it was over, he could never trust me again. I begged for him to forgive me and take me back because everything had been going so smoothly and better than before, now it was all blown to shit. The positive side of it was that in those 6 months I had built myself up stronger than ever, so although heartbroken, I knew it was best to stay away from using casual sex as a panacea. Also, I thought, "I'm a grown ass woman and going to be 26 in six months, I can't be pulling this shit again" and I was right.
Well....we stayed in contact via email and I witnessed him go through the stages of grief as I comforted him. Although this is private, I'm sharing this with you because I think this is a good demonstration of how he loves me and what his feelings were. This was an email from Feb 13th sent to me while we were both at work:
"the whole situation, damn it all to hell. i'd give anything to have the mistakes undone, time turned back and have everything the way it was. i still miss you more than anything. which makes it so hard to get on with my life. i really thought i was doing ok - but again, it comes in waves. was just crying in the bathroom. life is fucked up. it's all fucked up. i wouldn't care so much if you weren't the best ive ever had, the one i loved more than anyone else before. that i showed my soul to. my favorite person, and i have to keep deciding to stay away. i know you'd take me back, and knowing that, i can't ignore the hypotheticals. it drives me to madness and i just want something, someone to take the fucking pain away. to hold me close and tell me everythings ok and let me cry on them. and i dont have anyone like that, at my weakest, im forced to be alone. the only person i have to talk to is you, the source of my self torment. i feel like an idiot for even writing all this."
The thing is, I feel the same way about him. The "asshole" finally realized what he had, lol. And I finally totally forgave all the mistakes he made with me, and just as importantly, forgave myself for acting like a chick with no self worth.
Well, so Saturday I got a surprise phone call: he comes over after spending all weekend with his homeboy in SJ (to get his mind off of me) while Chris and I are making chocolate, and at first he just watched me. I was thrilled to see him again, to hug him. I didn't know he was coming, but I had put on makeup and jewelry and a pretty top that showed cleavage that day (you know, to not look as terrible as I felt), and I wanted to be positive and not all puppy-dog sad-looking, so I smiled at him as I worked. Well, I guess I looked pretty enticing because he pulled me into a corner and hugged and kissed me, and of course I melted because he's the best kisser I've ever had, no one has even come close. We went into my room and talked. We really can't seem to be at peace with being apart, and it's so much torture that he forgives me and I forgive him. Of course we're not going to be "boyfriend & girlfriend" again, but we decided to take it real slow and start "dating" again, and then lay out some boundaries as they come up. Since the reconciliation, both of us are no longer depressed and in despair.
I'm still reeling, though. It's been a HARD 21 days and I'm so relieved that he knows what happened months ago, and relieved that we can work through it, and relieved that I'm so much stronger than I was back then. Also, I'm going to seek professional help myself, because I like talking about my feelings, and I think my insurance will pay for something, I need to check. But being at Chris's session made me feel good about seeking advice from an experienced person. My motives are this: to get help in strength to act appropriately when faced with problems in my relationship with not just my significant other, but friends and family as well, and to make sure I'm treated properly as well. Sounds so cheesy, but it's not easy being cheesy so...yeah.
The thing I like about fire sign men is they don't mind when I'm frank, shameless, or outspoken because they seem to like a challenge, and also I intermix it with sweet feminine compassion and consideration sort of like a dessert with chocolate and chili--spicy sweet.
I chose him because I liked him instantly. He is so cool, the reason he's moving back to NY is because he's worried about some of his friends getting on heroin. He's going to try to save the day, I approve 
LOL!! Panties: on. Mouth: kept a safe distance away from Devin's mouth (or anything else for that matter!) Hands: kept away from member, despite curiosity. I mean, really, he's SIX' SIX"! LOL!