Cory's Quest for a Healthier Life

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Thanks Mr. Vee! Lately I've been trying to horseback ride when I'm not feeling great emotionally, but recently my barn has become the only barn that gives lessons without requiring you to own your own horse and we've had a lot of new people migrate here from other barns as their policies changed. It means there are fewer open spots for me to hop in whenever I want. Last summer I was riding three days a week. This summer I'm lucky to get two, just because there aren't any open time slots.

Today was pretty good. My mom and I did a lot of gardening and went to a nursery to pick out plants. This involved quite a bit of walking. I also did good with food today. We did eat out for lunch, but I picked a reasonably sized plate of food rather than the absolutely huge burrito I usually get. We had an eggplant and beef curry for dinner. Also, no soda today. This is day one of me being soda free.
 
Today was pretty good. I was pretty damn active. Yard work literally all day and then I went and rode at the barn. I might actually die in my sleep tonight I'm so worn out. I admittedly ate a bit more than I probably should have....but it's a holiday and my mom made a bunch of really good food. I am a second day soda free, but I fully admit I'm probably going to have a couple fingers of whiskey before bed so I guess it kind of evens out.
 
Another good day. I did really well with food. Had a big salad with grilled chicken and some raspberries for lunch. Dinner was steak with mashed parsnips, sauteed vegetables, and another salad. I actually hadn't intended to each the salad initially, but my calories were too low today and I just love salad. Watermelon for dessert. I also got my 10,000 steps in. I had also intended to go to zumba, but that didn't happen. I've found that it's generally a bad idea to participate in an activity that requires jumping around for an hour if there is diarrhea involved. 3 days soda free!

Also, I have to rant a bit. When I was at work today I heard three or four women talking in the next cubicle over. They were talking about someone who works with us (I don't know this woman personally, but I know who she is). This woman has a weight problem. Enough so that it has started to impact her mobility. The women talking about her were being SO. MEAN. Saying things like, "If I weighed that much I'd kill myself", "She's so disgusting", and "Did you see what she ate for lunch today? It wouldn't kill her to skip a few meals." It made me really angry. I almost butted in on their conversation to tell them off. They don't know her life and why she is the way she is. Shame of these grown ass women acting like catty judgmental teenagers.
 
That is disgusting. I find when women get together they can be mean & vicious. When men get together they seem to have fun. Very sexist I know. Obviously it's not true of all men & all women, but.......
Well done on the good day Cory!
 
Great job today!
People can be very judgmental. I try to live by the saying of 'live and let live'. As long as what someone else is doing doesn't affect me or hurt other people I try not to judge them for what they do. I'm sure I do still catch myself judging others, but I try to stop myself when I do.
 
Cate and Mystic, I just don't understand why people can't leave each other alone. Her weight isn't hurting them any and it really isn't any of their business.

Today was really good. Oatmeal with strawberries for breakfast, a falafel pita wrap for lunch, and an omlet for dinner. I got my 10,000 steps in and went horseback riding. The only hiccup is that I'm sitting here eating about 10 lbs of watermelon. Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but it's a lot of melon. It's one of the few things I can have in front of me and just not stop eating. I guess if I'm going to mindlessly eat something there are worse things than watermelon to do it with.
 
I bought watermelon the other day and was so excited to have it, and it didn't taste good at all :( That's one of the biggest reasons I hate buying fruits and such! It can look great, but taste terrible!
 
Mystic, there's a trick with every fruit. With watermelon, it's all about the sound it makes when you knock on it. The deeper the thunk the better the watermelon. Of course, I am that annoying person you see who spends 20 minutes riffling through all the produced until I find the best one.

A little nervous about today. There's a going away party at work and I was spontaneously invited out to dinner tonight. I can't decide if I should try to navigate both events and try to make good choices or if I should say to hell with it and make today a cheat day. I tried to make fruit salad for the party at work, but everyone said they wanted brownies instead. So I made brownies. The only other things I know for sure will be there are biscuits and gravy, sausage patties, and bagels. None of which are particularly low calorie. I have no idea where we're eating for dinner tonight, but there isn't a single place in town where it's easy to make a good choice on the food. Either way, I intend to get all my steps in if nothing else.
 
Ok, today went both better and worse than expected. I did way better on food that I thought I would, but I didn't get all my walking in due to weather.

In other news, there might be a new horse at my barn that I can lease. It all depends on how his feet shape up. He's lame right now, but it's also VERY apparent that he hasn't had good hoof care in quite some time so we'll see how he's doing once the farrier comes and fixes his feet up. He seems really sweet and is built like a mack truck. He's a prospective lesson horse, but they actually want me to ride him a bit first to see if he has any craziness in him before they put inexperienced kids on him. If I can lease him then it means I'll probably ride three or four times a week instead of once or twice. Yay more exercise!
 
Having a little bit of a rough time at the moment. I don't talk about my PCOS much in terms of how it affects my body image, but I'm really struggling not to collapse face first into a plate of brownies right now so I think I'll make a post here instead. For those who might be reading and don't know, PCOS has a myriad of symptoms and the two most visible generally are weight gain (duhn duhn duhn) and hirsutism. If you can't read between those lines, it a big part of why I'm fat and it makes it so I can grow facial hair that a 15 year old boy would envy. Not a full grown man, but definitely a pubescent teenager.

To be honest, I moderately dislike the weight. Generally, you can still be considered feminine and be heavy. I can eventually get the weight off if I'm determined enough. I HATE HATE HATE the hair. It's so awful. I think other women here might understand this better than the men. Imagine, as a woman, having to shave every goddamn morning so no one will see your unsightly lady beard stubble. And I do have to do it. Every. Single. Day. Like a man. It's like a little chip out of my self-esteem every fucking time I get up in the morning and do it. You might ask, well why doesn't she try something else? I have. I've tried almost everything you can think of. Plucking isn't feasible because I have too much hair. And the hair is deep rooted enough that plucking it out makes my face bleed. Waxing does much the same, with the added benefit that you have to let the hair grow out to a quarter of an inch before you do it. Laser hair removal and electrolysis don't always work in cases of hormonal hair growth. Trust me. I've probably shelled out $4000 in the last five years on that and it didn't make a lick of difference for me. So what am I left with?

The shaving.
The stubble.
The crippling fear of having a man spend the night with me because I'm afraid he'll wake up in the middle of the night and accidentally brush my gross stubbly face and be absolutely repulsed.

Every six month or so I furiously google ways of dealing with PCOS associated hair growth in the hopes that maybe I missed something the last time. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll find something magical that will keep me from turning into Grizzly Adams. But I never do. This is one of those times. I can tell myself, "At least I don't have cancer, or MS, or *insert any other horrible disease*." It seems so shallow and vain to be so upset over something having to do with my appearance when there are so many other worse things that people endure. But I'm still sad. I still feel ridiculously unattractive. I still think about it in public all the time. "Did I get everything? Is it noticeable? What if a anyone spontaneously touches my face?" Yes. I consider random people touching my face throughout the day because this shit makes me fucking bat shit INSANE and all my googling has shown me is that there isn't jack shit I can do about it.

Alright. Brownies averted. I'm going to fucking bed so I can get up in the morning and shave the hair off my face. Again.
 
Oh Cory that sucks! I'll stop complaining (to myself) about the odd hair I'm starting to have grow, now that I'm a "woman of a certain age." I hate it, but it is nothing in comparison to what you must go through each day.
I just went searching for some information & wondered if you take birth control pills & if they help you at all. You have probably tried most things already! Poor thing :(
One article( from https://www.asrm.org/BOOKLET_Hirsutism_and_Polycystic_Ovary_Syndrome_PCOS/) said this-
"Hormonal treatment frequently is successful in temporarily correcting the problems associated with PCOS. If treatment is stopped, however, symptoms usually reappear. If you are not trying to conceive, birth control pills may be your best hormonal treatment. Birth control pills decrease ovarian hormone production and help reverse the effects of excessive androgen levels. However, birth control pills are not recommended if you smoke and are over age 35. If you also have hirsutism, your physician may prescribe spironolactone, alone or combined with birth control pills. Rarely, GnRH analogs may be used to decrease ovarian androgen production."
You did well not to fall face first into those brownies Cory. I could not make brownies & have them in my house. It would not be possible. Not at all! You're amazing! xo Cate
 
Outstanding job sharing your pain instead of trying to kill it with brownies. I wish I had some magic solution for you. All I can offer is that I know peoples reaction to your condition would not be as bad as you have made it in your mind. Mature sensitive people are accepting of the fact that no one is perfect and everyone has their unique set of issues and insecurities. Sure there are people that have it worse, but that doesn't negate your right to be upset by your struggles. You chose very well and showed your strength. Keep making positive choices and take control over what you can change in your life and work towards accepting the things that are outside of your control. This may be something that you already do, but I think you could benifit by talking to people in your life about it.
 
Cate, in answer to your question: I'm currently on metformin for the insulin resistance, birth control to regulate hormones, and spironolactone to block extra androgens. Each pill has actually helped a lot. My sensitivity to carbs and sugars is much less than it used to be, my periods are more regular than they were, and in general I'm MUCH less hairy (like on my arms and other body parts). None of this has helped with my face though. It's just something I have to live with. It's possible that once I lose enough weight and my hormones are well and truly regulated that laser or electrolysis will work, but I need to get there first.

Quercus, for the most part I can be pretty objective about it and I only go through periodic bouts of craziness. As long as I maintain, it really isn't that noticeable just to look at me. And like you said, everyone has something about themselves that they are really insecure about and don't like. I mostly get paranoid about it when it comes to potential romantic endeavors. Logically I know that more guys than I think would probably be quite understanding about it, given that it's associated with a medical condition. Insecurities don't have much to do with logic though, huh?

So...I lost 4 lbs this week. Super psyched about that. I know at least part of it was the fact that I was somewhat dehydrated when I weighed, but even if half of that was due to dehydration it's still 2 lbs. It's really nice to be going the other direction again. Also, today marks the close of my first full week soda free. Feeling really good about that.

On a slightly different topic, I have a friend at work. Without trying to sound insensitive, me being a person who also struggles with her weight, this guy has a big problem. If I had to guess, I'd say he was a bit more than 400 lbs. He tries to make good choices with food and exercise, but he just has no clue what he's doing and he won't listen to anything I say (even though I have been quite successful at dropping weight, this last semester not withstanding). He's been trying ever since I started working my current job three years ago and has actually gained weight in that time. I don't think he understands actual serving sizes and does not take condiments into account. For example, I watched him horph a whole bag of baby carrots with an 8 oz tub of ranch dip. That's like a 600-700 calorie snack right there. Throw a gallon tub of spaghetti on top and you're fucked. Now he wants weight loss surgery because he hasn't had any success. I think it's a bad idea because if he hasn't changed his habits, then the surgery won't work for him any better than what he's been doing and any success would likely be temporary. Unfortunately, there is no polite way to say, "You don't need surgery. Stop eating for 4 people."
 
I am so sore this morning. Went on a hike with some friends yesterday and my calves are KILLING me. You want to know what I learned? Don't skip cardio for six months kids. :p
 
So...I lost 4 lbs this week.
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Outstanding work.

On the PCOS my sympathies as that can't be easy to deal with. I had an unbelievably bad case of stasis dermatitis on my lower legs up until I got to about the 275 pound mark and it was a nightmare despite in the grand scheme of things seeming like a minor thing. I lived in a place where the average temperature was above 105 degrees 4 months out of the year, and I never wore shorts.

Ultimately though, you're instincts were right in that taking a swan dive into a plate of brownies doesn't fix anything. You can dip your toes in half a brownie every now and then if you like though. :)

Good job on coming on here to vent instead. Thumbs up!!!
 
Thanks Mr. Vee! I'm really hoping to see a lessening of my symptoms with weight loss (like you did with your dermatitis). Unfortunately, it seems to be very much a crap shoot. I've read account of women with PCOS who lost weight and the excess hair disappeared, but other accounts where it was a continuing problem. We'll see what happens.

Today did not go as expected. It wasn't a bad day, but it didn't wind up being a good day either. I had intended to walk a few miles, do zumba, and eat some leftover chicken stew. That would have put me at a pretty big deficit today. I did get my walking in. However, I woke up this morning and already knew I didn't want that chicken stew at all. It would have been the third time in two weeks that I had eaten it. So, I wound up buying some food from a bistro. Fish, sauteed spinach, and mac and cheese. Not a bad choice, with the exception of the mac and cheese. I also bailed on zumba. I went home to change into gym clothes and discovered my roof was leaking. Badly. So now I'm waiting for the emergency contractor to come out and deal with this shit storm. I still have a caloric deficit, just not as big as I had planned.
 
Oh dear! Sorry about your roof, hope it's fixed quickly!
 
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